Wicked Abridged

A/N: I love Wicked. It's a phenomenal show, and I hope I get to see it again.

DISCLAIMER: Belongs to Stephen Schwartz, Winnie Holzman, Joe Mantello, and all the other awesome people who worked on this.

WARNING: You should know by now...there's some language.

We all know the ending of The Wizard of Oz: that ugly witch gets melted, and everyone's all happy.

Yeah, fuck that ending. This is the real shit. Get ready to be blown back on your asses. This is what really went down.

ACT I

Scene 1

All those motherfucking Ozians are all, "Whoo! That creepy, homely witch is dead! We're saved!" And then Glinda comes in riding her bubble machine (?) and is all, "Yeah, party hard, you simpletons! Throw your hands up, they're playin' your song, and the butterflies fly away!"

But then some dumb fuck is all, "Hey, Glinda! Weren't you that witch's friend at one point?" And everyone's all, "Gasp!" And Glinda's all, "So what if I was?" And everyone's all, "Louder gasp!"

And Glinda's all, "Shut the fuck up! It's story time! I'm gonna tell you what happened!"

Scene 2

Flash back to Shiz University. Yeah, I'm talking COLLEGE! Frat parties, nonstop booze, and all that shit! Galinda's pumped!

Wait...why is her name Galinda? Well, don't ask stupid questions. I'm getting to that.

So Galinda's all, "Yeah, I'm the shit, bitches!" And then there's this Munchkin named Boq, only he's kind of tall for a Munchkin. So...wouldn't he just be normal? Whatever, it's Wonderland, I mean Oz...NOTHING makes sense!

So anyway, Boq is in love with Galinda. But she finds him creepy, and gives him the finger because she's hot and shit. Then Elphaba - yes, the witch, because she has a name, too - comes in with her sister, who's a cripple. And cue the world's smallest violin!

Well, Elphaba's dad is the Head Douchbag of Jackassville, because he treats Nessarose, her younger sister, a lot better. Hell, he even gives her sparkly TOMS shoes to show that he likes her better! I mean, she gets a pair AND a kid in need does, too! Wow! If that's not nepotism, I don't know what is!

Galinda and Elphaba get thrown into a room together, because Madame Morrible is a sick, twisted motherfucker who likes conflict. And to make it even MORE awkward, Elphaba is let into Morrible's special sorcery class, and Galinda isn't! Oh, no!

Scene 3

Elphaba's all, "YES! I'm gonna be normal now! In your face, motherfuckers! There's a new bitch in town!"

And...yeah, that's it. That's pretty much it.

Scene 4

Elphaba and Galinda hate each other, but everyone likes Galinda because she's pretty and blond and popular. You know, the stereotypical shit that goes down in HIGH SCHOOL. Only this is COLLEGE. Oh, fuck it! It's Hogwarts, I mean Oz!...NOTHING makes sense!

Scene 5

A fucking GOAT is teaching a class. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. A GOAT. And these kids' parents are paying HOW MUCH to send them to school? But fuck it! It's Narnia, I mean Oz...NOTHING makes sense!

Scene 6

But, oh no! Dr. Dillamond is in trouble! His animal sense is tingling because all the talking animals are losing their power to talk...kind of like in real life! So Elphaba's all, "Oh, it's okay! The Wizard will fix EVERYTHING!"

Scene 7

Enter our male asshole of the night: Fiyero. He's a prince, and he wants to have fun.

Scene 8

Fiyero and Galinda are both equally matched in the hotness department, which makes Boq pissed. Then Fiyero decides that no one is having fun, so he goes, "I'll give these bitches a party. Bitches love parties!"

So they all decide to have a party. Boq asks out Nessarose, only because Galinda pretty much cons him into it, because she wants to be with the bland hotness that is Fiyero. Nessarose is all, "Omigod, I can actually feel NORMAL! You know, because I'm in a wheelchair and shit!" And Elphaba's all, "Something's rotten in the state of Denmark, I mean Oz!"

Galinda gives Elphaba this ugly-ass hat, just because she can! And then everyone gets hammered and stoned at the party, and somewhere along those lines, Elphaba and Galinda becomes friends. Cue the AWWWW!

Scene 9

Galinda decides that she's going to marry Fiyero, even though he totally doesn't know yet. Oh, my God! How completely charming and not creepy as hell in the least!

Then we learn that Elphaba is green because her mother drank some green liquid shit while Doing It with some random fuck who wasn't her father. So the next baby the mom had was obviously a big fucking deal. The dad made her chew flowers to make the baby normal, but that fucked up her legs, and the mom died. Wah, wah, waaaahhhh.

Scene 10

Galinda lightens the mood with her bubbly, cheerful makeover game! But this...accomplishes nothing. Oh, what a surprise.

Scene 11

Dr. Dillamond's arrested for being an animal, and the class gets taken over by some random dumbass who has a caged lion cub. Elphaba becomes pissed, so she uses her magic to kick ass, and she and Fiyero carry the lion outside.

The two are strangely drawn to each other, even though they've only said five sentences to each other AT MOST. But Fiyero's all, "Oh, right, I've got that blond bitch! Fiyero is out! PEACE!

Scene 12

Elphaba is emo and whines about not having a hot guy.

Scene 13

Morrible randomly shows up and says, "Hey, the Wizard wants to see you!" And Elphaba's all, "HELLZ TO THE YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

The next day, Elphaba and Fiyero share an awkward goodbye. Because Dr. Dillamond called her "Glinda" all the time, Galinda changes her name to impress Fiyero, who isn't paying attention to her. To make her feel better, Elphaba invites her along to the Emerald City.

Scene 14

They shop and shit. Hooray.

Scene 15

The Wizard's all, "Yeah, I'm evil! I hate animals! Get out here, whore!" And Morrible comes out! OMG she's, like, the Wizard's WHORE! EW! Old people sex!

Scene 16

Anyway, Elphaba gives some random-ass monkey some wings because she can read this ancient book thing. But she realizes that it's wrong. So she says, "Fuck you, Wizard! And you're little whore, too!"

Scene 17

To cover up all the shit that's been going down, Morrible is all, "Yeah, that crazy-ass green bitch is a witch now! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Glinda's all, "Just apologize, for fuck's sake! You can still live the lie you always wanted to!"

And Elphaba's like, "Fuck you, bitch!" So she enchants a broom to fly, and Glinda ALMOST joins her in her rebellion, but pulls out at the last minute because she's a pussy. Of course.

And all of Oz is all, "Oh, shit! We're fucked!"

And Elphaba's all, "Yeah, that's right, bitches! I'm a badass motherfucker! WHOOOO!"

END OF ACT I

A/N: The next half will be up soon. Like I said, I love this show. No disrespect to anyone.

Reviews are appreciated, please!