Dear Voldemort,
Now that you're supreme overlord of all the universe, I would really appreciate any help you can give as I try to take over the world. Amen.
XX
Dear Voldemort,
The newest Death-Eater recruits are balking at the Dark Mark tattoo. As a display of your awesome, please send a basilisk to persuade the imbeciles who refuse to properly respect your power. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
The-boy-who-hasn't-died is building a muggle device called weapon of mass destruction. A vision of what this is would be nice. Amen.
XX
Dear Voldemort,
I found a piece of your nose. I'm sending it to you by owl. You're welcome. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
We're working diligently on Mt. Deathmore. Which likeness would you prefer? Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
I like the way you changed your name. How would do you suggest I anagram Maria Elena Carmelita Morena Gutierrez? Amen.*
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Dear Voldemort,
If it isn't too much trouble, please stop scaring everyone. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
My snake has been a bit uncooperative lately. I heard you can talk to snakes. Can you talk to my snake? Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
For Christmas I would like a new bicycle, a Barbie doll, and Pocahontas slippers. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
I'm nervous about getting the Dark Mark. Do you recommend lotion or cocoa butter post-tattoo? Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
I have a suggestion for terrorizing muggles. Drive the price of gas up to $5 a gallon. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Are there any special qualities for the heir of Gryffindor that I should be aware of? My heritage is very important to me. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg. Amen. **
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Dear Voldemort,
Have you ever thought about making a Facebook page? I would follow you. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
So there was this one time I was at the mall with my friend and she was all like 'You-Know-Who is so freakin' hot.' Do you want her floo coordinates? Amen.
XX
Dear Voldemort,
I can't believe you killed a unicorn. Muggles are one thing, but killing unicorns is just wrong. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I want to be evil. Just like you. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Have you considered using a time turner to go back and kill Harry as a child? Just a thought. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Snipers will get you. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
Did you see Bellatrix's "Good Morning, Voldemort" video on youtube? It's awesome. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
I can't believe you're wearing black before Labor Day. Perhaps you should reconsider. People might doubt your judgment. Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
It's me, Margaret. Amen. ***
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Dear Voldemort,
Have you tried recruiting the Republicans? Amen.
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Dear Voldemort,
The British are coming. Amen.
p.s. by land.
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Dear Voldemort,
How do I get my three wishes? Amen.
p.s You've never had a friend like me.
XX
Dear Voldemort,
This little piggy went to Azkaban. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had a Dark Mark. This little piggy had none. This little piggy cried "Where where where is my nose?" all the way home.
*name from an episode of JAG
**Jeff Dunham "Controlled Chaos" quote.
***From "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret."