A/N not quite sure what this is but it sure made me cry as I wrote it. Listen to this ( watch?v=mc97uu5REf4) while reading - it's awesome.
No one knew, no one knows, but I have always watched Harry. Always. I left him, vulnerable, unprotected, threatened, innocent. It was no fault of mine, but that's no consolation. I abandoned my son unfairly, but I have watched him. Always. His father, my dear James, is lost to me in this realm. In this world, I am neither solid nor gas, neither living nor dead. The world of the mind. I don't know where James is, and it tears me up inside to know that the two people I cared most about are lost to me. My son – lost on Earth, but always within my sight. He doesn't know I watch him. He thinks I'm gone forever. But I'll never be gone. A mother's love lives forever.
My husband – lost in this abstract world. I try to reach out to him, but he doesn't hear me. Maybe he can't. Maybe it's just me here – the mother of the Boy who Lived. I know they call him that – I've heard and seen them way down there, on Earth. I feel disgusted with myself that I couldn't have done anymore for my beloved son. I left him in the world, alone. I saw how my sister treated him – never as an equal. Always as an inferior. In those moments, my anger would be almost too much, and I'd lose sight of Earth in my madness. By the time I regained consciousness, he would have been locked in his cupboard again. I cried for my son. He shouldn't have been treated like this. My dear son. But I felt so proud of him in those rare moments he would display his magical skills, much to Vernon's disgust. My heart swelled as I realised my Harry would grow up to be an extraordinary wizard.
I saw him as he walked into Hogwarts that first day; I felt his fright. But I was filled with pride as my darling son was sorted into Gryffindor, his parents' house. I saw him sitting with his friends Ron, Hermione and Neville, and my mind was at rest that he had finally found his place in the world. I watched him over that year, and he amazed me with his own display of his inherited Quidditch talent from James. I wish I could have been there to watch him from the ground. I wish I could have told him about his father's flying. I wish he would have known how proud his mother was feeling, way beyond the clouds.
I knew of Tom Riddle's ability – his Parseltongue. And I knew that this ability had been passed on to my dear Harry. I watched in angst as my son flailed around, trying to make sense of the voices in the walls. I didn't know what they were, but I wanted to warn him. I wish I could have been there for him to talk to. I wish I could have told him to ignore his bully, that nasty Draco Malfoy. I wish he could have known how scared his mother was feeling, way beyond the clouds.
I watched in horror as a foul Dementor kissed Harry; I screamed in terror, tears streaming down my... face? Mind? Harry was the only one who heard me. I looked on thankfully as Harry finally found out the truth of my husband's dearest friend, Sirius Black. I was grateful that Sirius apologised to Harry, but once again I screamed out in terror as a hundred Dementors swooped down on my son and his Godfather. Why was this happening to him? I wish I could have been there to comfort him. I wish I could have told him that I was the one who had screamed. I wish he could have known how full of despair his mother was, way beyond the clouds.
His fourth year was the worst. I wanted to scream at the students that Harry had not put his name in. I wanted to kill the dragon for trying to harm my Harry. I wanted the merpeople to understand that Harry was only trying to help. I wanted to curse everything in the maze that stood in Harry's way. But I also laughed and enjoyed watching my son's struggles to get himself a date. I saw how much he had grown to be like his father, and I was proud. They looked so alike. The jet black hair, the rounded spectacles, the same shaped face. But when You-Know-Who returned, even I was terrified. As their wands met, I felt an odd tug and felt myself pouring out of You-Know-Who's wand, like a ghost. I took this chance to finally tell Harry how much I was proud of him; James did the same. I was glad I could finally be of help and help him get away. No one believed Harry when he got back. I wish I could have been there to comfort him. I wish I could have held him as he cried. I wish he could have known how frightened for him his mother was, way beyond the clouds.
I loved Molly Weasley for how much she was trying to help Harry. I felt angry at the Ministry for not understanding. I loathed Dolores. I despised Harry's own friends for not believing him; for thinking he was mad. But what made it all seem better was that everyone was looking up to Harry for guidance. My son was leading them. I had never noticed how confident he was at spells, and again, I was so very proud of him for doing the best he could. I was happy for him as he finally found his Cho and looked away, as a mother should, when he shared his first kiss with her. But that year was the first time I fully realised why You-Know-Who had come to kill Harry in the first place. I heard the prophecy. I wished I could warn Harry to stay away from the Death Eaters. I wished I could tell him I was listening too. I wished he could have known how concerned his mother was, way beyond the clouds.
I was the only one that knew who the Half-Blood Prince was. All the way through Harry's sixth year Potions lessons, I felt pangs of guilt as I thought of the pain I had given to Severus. I was chuffed when my old teacher, Slughorn, told Harry how much he was like me in Potions. Of course, I knew that wasn't true. I felt Harry's longing towards Ginny as she went out with Dean, and even I knew (from a mother's point of view) that Harry and Ginny were perfect for eachother. I was right. I looked away, as a mother should, when he shared his first kiss with Ginny. I watched, horror-filled, as he battled with the Inferi and aided Albus Dumbledore. I wish I could have helped him. I wish I could have been there to console him when Dumbledore died. I wish he could have known how worried his mother was, way beyond the clouds.
I'd heard about everything at Hogwarts. I'd followed the trio as they camped out in forests. I resented Ron when he hit Harry with the line 'your parents are dead. You have no family.' I felt that guilt again, that I had left my poor Harry alone in the world. I watched as Harry got closer, emotionally, to Hermione. There were times I thought they'd be perfect together. It could have gone that way, if Ron hadn't returned, and Harry hadn't remained loyal to Ginny. My heart thudded as they got to Hogwarts, and the War began. The school was a mess of curses, students, bodies, Death Eaters. Tears leaked out my eyes as I watched Severus' memories. He had loved me so much and I had been so horrible to me. I regretted all the harsh things I had said to him and wished I could find him in this realm, now that he was dead, to tell him I was sorry. But as Harry walked into the Forbidden Forest, I felt that odd tug again, and found myself standing infront of my blood-covered son, with James, Sirius and Remus around us. I had accepted the fact that he was going to die; that his life was going to end early. But I took this last golden opportunity to tell Harry that I had always been there; we had never left. But I always thought that Harry, being Harry, would not be defeated by death; he rose again and defeated the Dark Lord. He truly was an extraordinary wizard. I wish I could have been there to hug and kiss him and tell him how happy I felt. I wish I could have been there to welcome him back home. I wish he could have known how ecstatic his mother was, way beyond the clouds.
I watched as he finally made a family for himself. I wish I could have been at his wedding. Harry had always been very loyal, and had named his daughter after me. I wish I could have been the first to hold her. I silently cried to myself as I watched my grandchildren leave for Hogwarts, knowing they were about to experience the best years of their lives. I wish I could have been there to see them off. I wish I could have been there for my son in his times of need. I just wish I could have been there, for my Harry.