Um, hi... I never intended to write one of these things but someone mentioned that we could get taken off if we didn't put a disclaimer. I personally think that disclaimers are really stupid given that anyone who is actually published has a lot of better things to do with their time (time is money) than write fanfiction about it, yeah I said it, any published authors out there writing fanfiction about their own work feel free to prove me wrong. Anyway, if you haven't guessed already I don't not, nor is it likely that I ever will, own Glee or the people/characters what go with it. Have a nice day. Love, Det.
She had been watching him ever since he walked into the choir room, it was nerve-wracking. "What's up Brittany?"
She smiled at him "If zombies in the park really were looking for your heart they could never catch you, cause you have those hobbit powers."
Blane just threw on his most charming smile at Brittany's comment, pushing all his resentment at being called short away into that small little corner of his mind that he kept undesirable feelings in, knowing full well that one day they would come crashing out, but that was a problem for future Blaine, man he did not envy future Blaine at all.
That was the problem with Blaine, he pushed all his negative emotions into a tiny place in the back of his mind, never reacting outside of the parameters of 'perfect'. It was the result of being groomed from birth to be an Anderson.
The name Anderson holds a lot of weight in Westerville, his father's side of the family all having prominent public positions and his mother being a former model and very exotic for their small Ohio town.
His grandfather had been longest standing mayor in the towns pathetic history, his father was currently the top rated lawyer in the whole state, and don't forget Cooper the most famous person ever to come out of Westerville (they conveniently forget that there was a reason Cooper ran the hell away from it).
His family was in the public eye and having a gay son lowered their reputation too much in his father's opinion. Not to mention that his father's father had been quite outspoken against the whole gay movement of the 60s and 70s and took painstaking measures to ensure that the kind of things that were happening in New York, (i.e. The Stonewall riots) would never happen in his town.
From a very young age Blaine's father had been told that gay was wrong, sinful, evil. Blaine never really stood a chance.
He remembered when he came out to his dad the man wouldn't look at him for months afterwards, his words being directed to Blaine's mother about "that son of yours" being "an abomination" and how "it" was no longer "any son of mine."
It hurt more than any of the broken bones that the bullies after the dance could ever had hope to cause. After 6th months without a father his dad was questioned one too many times about how that "nice son of your's" Blaine was doing and decided that he had been such a good trophy son otherwise and perhaps he could force him straight again.
Blaine tried to convince his dad that it wasn't a choice and it didn't have to be a bad thing, and that society was more accepting and people were not going to look down on them for that. This of course was before the dance and before Blaine had seen the worst of homophobia. Blaine was naive back then and really thought that people could be, if not accepting, than at least civil, he had thought that perhaps his dad had been worried about Blaine being hurt for his sexuality and that was the reason he was so very against it. He tried to convince his dad that "gay is ok" for weeks.
It was to no avail as he was forced into boxing lessons, rebuilding a car, and straight camp for 3 weeks one awful summer before they kicked him out (those boxing lessons paid off).
Blaine and his father existed now in a state of quiet tip-toeing around each other, both playing 'if I can't see you, you can't see me' which he suspects was the real reason behind boarding school, not the bloody and broken state that his body was in after the Sadie-Hawkins (6 broken bones, 38 stitches, and 7 weeks in the hospital).
His mother exists now, as she always has, in the bottom of a bottle of vodka. When he had been younger Blaine's father had told him that his mother cared about them, she just had such a hard time after leaving he family in the Philippines and then leaving her modeling career behind because of a late night drunken mistake now named Cooper.
Cooper... Cooper had been his only ray of light in a lonely world that would see him persecuted for liking other boys, and then Coop left him.
He came home after having been harassed all day at school, expecting to find his big brother only to find an empty room and a cold "he's gone" from his beloved father. Cooper left nothing behind, no belongings and no note. He tried calling, texting, even e-mail, but never heard anything from his only friend and the only person he felt had ever loved him. Blaine found out where Coop had gone after seeing his commercial playing on TV late one night. Since that afternoon, since coming home and finding that room and suddenly his life so completely devoid of his brother, Blaine was broken into two. The good feelings Blaine would show, acknowledge, even revel in. He would dance, and smile, and sing silly beautiful songs about teenage dreams. And the bad emotions, the things that he just could not deal with like the hurt that his brother left him feeling, his pain at being locked into janitors closets with the mops and bleach for weekends at a time and his parents never noticing his absence, his contemplations of..., well... he chose not to acknowledge his hurt, instead he locked it up in a special room in his mind which he kept padlocked shut. Blaine broke; he gave up and just broke. That was the last time that Blaine allowed himself to hurt.
When the bullies picked on him and beat him up during lunch, and left degrading messages on his locker, and tried to kill him at the Sadie-Hawkins (because he was sure that that is what they would have done had his date's dad not shown up when he did) he ignored his gut-wrenching anguish and kept going. He kept breathing and tried to keep his positive attitude, finding small things like songs on the radio, to keep him from giving up again and going to that place where the pills in the bathroom cabinet and the knifes on the kitchen counter began to look like a good idea.
And then he looked up and he was at Dalton, he had bluffed his way into the Warblers and had friends, he might even say he was popular. He had, in his mind, tricked all these boys into liking him, he only ever showed them the Blaine that was happy, the positive Blaine. If they knew what he hid away behind that lock on that tiny room they would never like him, no one could ever like the real Blaine.
And then he looked up and there was Kurt, Kurt who was amazing and beautiful and the most wonderful boy Blaine had ever met and why in the world would that boy ever be interested in Blaine, so he did something he had not done before, never had to do before; he locked the good feeling away behind the door with the bad ones.
Blaine focused on other things, other people, people like... like Jeremiah who was closeted and slightly abusive and who he felt was more than he actually deserved anyway. But he took that too far and just like that it was over, like the the mirror in his bathroom he put his fist through afterwards, he was broken and could never be fixed again.
And then… whoa, Kurt liked him, like, liked him liked him. What was he going to do about that, Blaine was not a real person he was half a person, he only ever allowed himself to be the good and locked up the bad bits, and so it wasn't fair to Kurt to allow him to be with a lie.
But then it was Kurt, Kurt who sang like a songbird and cried at a short-lived pets passing. And Kurt who was so kind and yet allowed himself flaws (coughshopaholiccough) and GOD Blaine LOVED him and that had never happened before but love was good right? And good was Ok, right? It felt like it must be so Blaine let himself love Kurt, let himself love Kurt all the way to McKinnely. All the way to the bullying and the hate, and the room in that corner was getting more and more full until Blaine could feel the padlock straining to keep all the bad stuff inside and he had to take up boxing again as he did right when he first got to Dalton, joining Puck for late nights behind the 7/11 at the wildly illegal fight club.
He was good, for now the door was holding strong so he let himself lock away Brittany's comment, but soon, soon the door would break and it would all come out and he would be over. Thinking about it was not allowed as it was supposed to be locked behind the door with all the other bad things, so he tried not to. He just left it all up to future Blaine, man he did not envy that guy.