A/N: This bugged me too much, had to do it.
Things to Do
Harry Potter walked down Diagon Alley, a purposeful spring in his step.
"Things to do. Things to do today. Got a big day ahead of me. Several things to do."
Some people in the Alley turned to stare at the Boy-Who-Lived, who was talking to himself, calm as can be. The boy didn't bother with the people, too focused on the parchment he clutched in one hand. On it, there were seven items, which included the following: 1. banking, 2. pick up new robes, 3. buy owl treats for Hedwig, 4. mail letter bomb to the Dursleys, 5. get a haircut (this was marked with a question mark as Harry didn't particularly know if it was possible), 6. buy deodorant, and 7. find books on Defense spells to read.
"Got to keep on top of my life," he announced to nobody in particular. "Got to keep on top of my life, got seven things to do. Number one, banking. Number two, pick up – "
He brushed into Draco Malfoy, who had a customary sneer on his face and looked ready to say something rude about him and his mother. Unfortunately, Harry was too preoccupied with his tasks at hand and merely pushed past. The blonde boy was sent spinning into the road where a cart passed by, splashing him with dirty water.
Harry barely batted an eyelash.
"Okay, you just knocked over Draco Malfoy, keep moving you've got seven things to do!"
Upon reaching Gringotts, he approached the teller to withdraw some money. Fortunately, it was only a small withdrawal and didn't require the needlessly extensive trip down into the vaults. The teller counted out a small stack of galleons and pushed them into Harry's waiting palm.
"Okay. One down." Harry took out a Self-Inking Quill and crossed out the first entry on his list. "I got six things to do."
He turned and began walking away, leaving the goblin to stare questioningly after the boy.
"Number two, pick up new robes, number – wait a second, I got number five where number seven should be."
Harry stopped in the middle of the bank with a contemplative look on his face, much to the displeasure of many patrons. Finally, he decided on a solution.
"Number eight, switch number five with number seven." He nodded, happy with his brilliant decision.
Just then, Voldemort and three of his top Death Eaters (Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, and Fenrir Greyback) strolled into the bank. Voldemort sneered as he addressed the frozen customers.
"Good morning, everybody. This is a holdup."
People gasped and screamed in fright. Some might wonder why over one hundred bank customers were afraid of four people, but then again, the majority of the wizarding populace wasn't particularly known for their courage and bravery. In fact, Voldemort looked rather bored. He seemed to only want money, rather than killing people indiscriminately.
Perhaps he finally decided that ruling over a bunch of corpses wasn't much fun at all.
"I repeat, this is a holdup." Voldemort continued as the three Death Eaters moved into position. "No funny business, or this will happen to you."
With a wave of his wand, Voldemort cast the killing curse at Fenrir, hitting him square in the back. Immediately, everyone in the room, raised their hands in surrender. With a confused look on his face, Fenrir collapsed onto the marble floor.
Turning his wand on the masses, Voldemort issued out a single command.
"Get the money."
Lucius pushed his way to the counter and forced the teller to start filling a bag with coinage. Of course, the goblins would have none of that and, immediately, several armed goblins burst through the side doors, ornate weapons sharp and at the ready.
Voldemort sighed.
"Aw great. Now we need a hostage. Uh…" he began looking around the room.
Harry, who had remained mostly preoccupied during this entire situation, finally finished making changes to his list.
"Okay!" He announced happily as he began walking out of Gringotts.
Glancing around, Voldemort spotted Harry and turned his wand on the boy.
"You." The Dark Lord didn't seem to recognize Harry for some reason or other.
Harry raised his free hand, still clutching the quill.
"Alright, you're being held hostage. Add it to the schedule: adapt and adjust."
Lucius lifted Harry like a sack of potatoes and began to run. Voldemort, Bellatrix, and Lucius fled the building, leaving the corpse of Fenrir behind. Seeing as they knew who committed the robbery, the goblins simply detracted the stolen amount from the Lestrange and Malfoy vaults and went back to their business.
The group continued down Diagon Alley, which was now mostly empty due to everyone fleeing from the Dark Lord. Harry, on the other hand, continued on with his list.
"Number two, pick up new robes…" he turned to Bellatrix. "Excuse me, could you escort me to Madam Malkin's? It's just up this road, thanks."
With an annoyed look on his face, Voldemort turned to Harry, still not recognizing his archrival.
"Look. Maybe you don't understand the situation that you are in. You are a HOSTAGE. And I am the Dark Lord. So SHUT UP!"
Unfazed, Harry glanced around.
"Oh, there's Madam Malkin's. Thank you."
Wiggling, he squirmed free of Lucius's grasp and flopped onto the ground with a resounding thump. He stood, dusted himself off, and wandered off into the store. Voldemort blinked momentarily before following the boy, a look of outrage on his face.
Inside, he found Harry fighting over a package with the motherly woman.
"Nice try, smartass." Voldemort snarled. "Let's go."
"She won't give me my robes because I lost my receipt."
For such a normally cheerful woman, Madam Malkin was showing a rather stubborn streak.
"No proof, no robes!" The woman tightened her grip on the package.
Harry gestured at the older woman, as if to say "see?" Voldemort sighed in annoyance.
"Look, give him his robes."
Apparently forgetting she was in the presence of the most feared Dark Lord in recent history, the witch remained fiercely stubborn.
"No!"
Voldemort stared incredulously at the shop owner.
"Look, give him his robes or this will happen to you!"
He turned and shot another killing curse, this time hitting Bellatrix in the stomach. Her eyes widened in shock as she fell to the floor.
Madam Malkin stared at the dead woman now in the front of her shop. She then turned back to Harry.
"Oh, yeah! These ARE you robes! My mistake." She raised her hands in a submissive manner.
Harry sighed, shouldered his new robes, and walked out. Outside the store, he was once again lifted bodily off his feet by Lucius as Voldemort continued to terrorize Diagon Alley. Hanging upside-down, Harry crossed out the second item on his list.
"Number three, buy owl treats." He thought about this for a moment. "Hmm… Mr. Malfoy, turn right, I'm going to the Owl Emporium."
Subconsciously, Lucius began walking off towards the road to the right. Voldemort noticed this and stopped the blonde-haired man.
"No, no, we're not going right, we're going left." This caused Lucius to veer back towards the correct path.
"Ah… turn right." Harry redirected.
"No, we're going left." Voldemort barked out. "Turn left!"
Harry put on an innocent looking face.
"Could you turn right, Mr. Malfoy?"
Lucius looked between the two in confusion, though his legs continued moving.
"Look, we're going left." Voldemort whirled on Harry. "If you don't shut up, this is gonna happen to you!"
He cast the killing curse a third time, slaying the elder Malfoy on the spot. The man crumpled, causing Harry to drop alongside the body. Unfortunately for the Dark Lord, Lucius topped forwards, careening towards him before he could do anything about it.
"Uh oh," Voldemort managed out before being knocked down by Lucius's dead body.
The two fell into a tangled heap, stunning the Dark Lord in the process.
"Ugh…" Voldemort groaned.
Immediately, no less than twenty aurors dog piled the Dark Lord, arresting the elusive criminal for… just about everything they could think of.
Harry got up and noticed he was actually several meters from the Owl Emporium.
"Number three, buy owl treats, okay!" He began walking towards the store, all the while chanting his mantra. "Got to keep on top of my life, got to keep on top of my life – "
Draco approached him again, this time looking rather upset that his father was now deceased. Once again, Harry rushed past the pale boy, sending him sprawling on into a puddle of muddy water on the side of the road.
"Okay, you just knocked over Draco Malfoy again, keep moving! You've got five things to do. Number three buy owl treats."
Harry wandered off into the store.
…
A/N: I blame Shao for showing me this skit/sketch.