Daryl groaned again at the sight in front of him and looked down in disgust. Ah, hell. Not this shit again.
This time Rick pushed Andrea to a nearby stream to get her shoe wet as he grinned, but then pulled her back so she wouldn't fall in.
"Hey!" she yelped, slapping Rick in the arm as he took a step back and raised his hands against her. "You jerk." Then Daryl rolled his eyes when Andrea reached for a harmful of water from the stream and threw it at Rick. And then Daryl wanted to vomit when Rick laughed. Actually fucking laughed.
Ugh.
Glenn waved at Andrea from the distance and she took off towards the boy. Rick hung back to slow down to Daryl's pace. "Should we check the perimeter?"
Just like that. Just like old Rick Grimes, ruthless leader. Like business as usual. Like five seconds ago he hadn't been acting like some fucking kid pulling pigtails.
Daryl was sick of it.
"The hell are you doing, man?" the hunter said, and his tone was so serious that Rick actually stopped, putting his hands on his hips, confused, but waiting for conflict. Daryl liked conflict.
"What are you talking about?"
"With Andrea," Daryl said, waving a hand in the direction she went.
Rick shook his head, "I don't kno-"
"Yes you do, man," Daryl said. "You ain't an idiot and neither am I. You're married, for Christ sake."
Rick brought a hand to his forehead. He couldn't believe this was having this conversation. "What exactly is it that you think is going on with me and Andrea, Daryl?"
"Don't be playing dumb now," Daryl said. "All the fucking flirting... it's stupid."
Rick laughed, but dryly. "Daryl-"
"Look, man, I know you're Officer Goody Two Shoes, but take a pick. Ya can't have your cake and eat it, too. That's no fair to Andrea."
Rick looked at Daryl, and he didn't know why he was still fighting it, but a part of him just couldn't believe this was happening. "Andrea's a friend, that's it."
"She ain't your friend," Daryl said. "I'm your friend, Glenn's your friend, fuck, Carol's your friend. That's not what's going on between the two of you. You see that smile she gets when she looks at you? Is the same one you get when you look at her. Just fucking go for it, man, what are you afraid of?"
Rick clenched his jaw, looking away. Every inch of him implored him to end the conversation and walk away, but there was something in his chest that protested. What Daryl was accusing him of... Rick wasn't that kind of man. He was a man of honor. A man who respected his vows and his family.
"Daryl, I'm married," and he accidentally confirmed everything, and it wasn't lost on him. Suddenly he felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.
Daryl scoffed. "So leave her. Or leave Andrea alone. One or the other, boss, you can't have both."
Rick shook his head incredulously. "Yeah, leave Lori, just like that."
"Yeah!"
"Just... goodbye, Lori. It's over," Rick mocked him.
Daryl shrugged his shoulders. "If you wanna. I'd write her a letter, myself."
Rick had to laugh, because... because this was ridiculous. First of all, he didn't flirt with Andrea. Second, he was married to Lori. You marry someone, you stay with them. It was a vow. He took that to heart. "I'm not gonna leave her."
"Why not?" Daryl said.
"What is she going to do with herself?"
Daryl smiled. "Funny, I'da thought you'd say 'because I love her'. Very telling there, chief."
Rick looked down, shaking his head. This conversation wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. With Daryl, of all people.
Daryl saw the conflict in him and tried to reach out. He respected Rick. Rick was a friend. Hell, after all this time he saw him as a brother. And brothers look out for each other. "Look, man, s'not like we're gonna banish her. Carol ain't no one's woman, but we still protect her."
Rick shook his head. "I do love Lori."
"Love her," Daryl scoffed. "Do you even like her?" he added and made a face of disgust, "have you met her, man?"
Rick sighed, "I know, she can be-"
"A fucking bitch," Daryl said and ignored the warning look Rick threw at him. Daryl was a man of honesty and Lori had never earned his respect. Rick had. "You don't love her, man. You're scared of her. That's fine. Your choice, boss," he added and began to walk away before he turned around, "Just stop flirting with Andrea in front of me, it's cutesy! And I hate cutesy shit!"
Rick watched him go and with a frown turned around and threw something invisible away. Way to ruin what had been a great fucking day. Thanks a lot, Daryl.
/-
He lay in bed that night with his arms crossed behind his head. He looked to his left. Lori lay way on the other side of the bed with Carl in her arms. He couldn't read the expression on her sleeping face. After the loss of her baby he'd expected her to fall apart and go crazy, and now he was starting to realize - she never wanted that baby, anyway. Maybe because it was cruel to bring a child into this world. Maybe because the pregnancy put her at much risk.
Maybe because she knew the baby had been Shane's.
Rick was no fool. He knew that the baby was Shane's, too. He was no mathematician, but prior to the world going to shit... they hadn't touched each other in too long. Only vile words and screams had been exchanged between them (the screams mostly from her side). Only the night that he came back they finally came together and she found out too soon after that that she was pregnant. He was no mathematician, but it didn't take one.
He remembered a buddy from the old world, a cop named Robert Cooper, a rookie from his division. His wife had been pregnant once. After the loss of their baby, the couple drifted so far apart that they ended up divorcing. When Lori lost her baby, Rick thought of Robert. Worried that the same thing would happen to them.
But nothing changed because, he realized it now, they were already drifted apart. They were already dead. Their marriage... it was nothing but two wedding rings and Carl. It was the only thing that bonded them anymore.
He sighed as he thought of what Daryl said. But Daryl wasn't like him. Daryl was impulsive. Daryl did whatever he wanted. Whatever he needed to do to be... happy.
Happiness. Who could find happiness in this world, where the dead are looming around every corner, waiting for their next meal? Who could find happiness knowing they could die tomorrow, next week, or next month? No, no one could find happiness in this world. Why expect it? Why fight for it? You fight to live. Just to live.
That's what he was doing. Just trying to stay alive. Everything else was just... scraps.
/-
He was too weary two days later when once again, he went out on a scouting trip with Daryl and Andrea. He was too aware of Daryl, too aware of Andrea and most of all, too aware of himself. Daryl had accused him of flirting with Andrea all the time and Rick wondered if the man had been right. Did he? No, not really. He saw her as a... little sister. Sure, he teased her a lot, but it was just for fun. And hell, she teased him, too. And it wasn't like it was always fun and games between them. They did argue sometimes. Sometimes, when he made an order she didn't agree with, she'd speak out. She always set him straight. Lori spoke out when she didn't agree with him, too. Like when he killed Shane...
He felt a pang in his stomach and suddenly felt nauseous, as he tended to do when he thought of Shane. It was something the two of them still couldn't get over. He couldn't get over the fact that he had to kill his best friend, his brother. She couldn't get over that fact, either. Difference was, he did it because she asked him to. She asked him to, and then hated him when he did.
He knew he wasn't happy with Lori. He was no fool. But who could be happy in this new world? No one.
"You alright?" Andrea asked him and when he looked up at her he saw concern in her eyes.
He gave her a half a smile, aware of Daryl off in the distance, and just nodded, but the concern in her eyes increased like she wasn't buying his bullshit. But she walked away and he watched her go.
That cemented it. She was just a friend. Because if she was more she would've stayed and demanded he tell her what was wrong. Demanded to know, and then get pissed and yell when he couldn't articulate it. Andrea wasn't a wife. She was a friend. Daryl had it all wrong, and he moved on with a shake of his head.
/-
He knew happiness was impossible to find in this world.
But why was misery so easy to come about?
They barely talked to each other, but when they did, there was so much bile. Rick had been trying to justify it... in this new world... she was scared... she was tense... she was pregnant...
Except she wasn't pregnant anymore.
He wasn't scared. He wasn't tense. He was... suffocated.
What took over him was so deafening that he couldn't even hear her. He didn't know what it was this time. Something about his decision to expand their location and build a small town. Regroup new people. Start to rebuild society. She was yelling at him about that. But he couldn't hear the words.
It was blinding, too. Blinding because right behind her, Carl sat, watching, with tears in his eyes, and Rick just couldn't. He just couldn't anymore.
"Lori, stop." The words came out so loud and commanding that she actually did, and jumped in place. "Carl," go to your room," Rick ordered his son and Carl ran up the stairs. When he looked at her, her eyes were wide with surprise.
He didn't know what to say, honestly, he didn't. He brought his hands to his forehead and turned away from her, taking a few steps before stopping. He wasn't the yelling type. He didn't even like to argue. That was one of the reasons why she was always mad at him. Or so she claimed. He just wasn't the type to raise his voice or speak viciously.
He was kinder than that, softer. So despite the anger and the exhaustion he merely just turned to look at her with an imploring look. "Lori, what are we doing?"
The question caught her off guard and she looked at him as if he was supposed to answer. When he didn't she opened her mouth, but no words came out.
He couldn't answer the question, either. They both knew what it meant, what he was asking. But saying it out loud... saying it out loud carried such a huge weight that neither of them thought they could support.
Rick knew they had to. But he knew they didn't have to do it alone. They could support that weight together.
"Do you love me?" he said.
He expected her eyes to widen again, but they didn't. They actually softened and he got his answer. It hurt, of course it hurt. It was years of marriage, a child together. They'd been happy once, those first couple of years before Carl, they truly had been. And hell, he knew happiness wasn't to be found in this new world, not anymore, but why live so miserably? Because he knew she was just as miserable as he. Probably more so, with so many of the group members hating her.
"Rick," she said, sighing. "How are we going to survive without you?"
He stared at her with a strange look. "Lori," he chuckled, dryly, shaking his head. Suddenly what Daryl had said made so much sense. So much sense. "I'll never stop looking after you, not ever."
Her eyes filled with tears, but he also saw the relief in her eyes. He couldn't hate her. He couldn't even dislike her. He understood why the others did. But they didn't know her like he did. They didn't understand her upbringing, her history, her personality. They saw her for the bitch she was, but they didn't see why she was that way.
"I'll always protect you. And Carl. And I still love you, just..."
She looked away and nodded understandingly. We're just not in love, anymore.
"What am I supposed to do?" she said, looking at him, imploring.
"What am I supposed to do?" Rick said. "Do you really think I'm dumping you?"
"That's pretty much what it feels like, Rick," she said with a sarcastic chuckle.
He approached her and put a hand to the side of her face. "I'm not dumping you, Lori. I'm saving us. I'm protecting Carl. This is killing him. Did you not see him crying right now? We're hurting him. We're supposed to protect him, we're his parents. He's supposed to have happy memories of us, not yelling and anger."
Tears welled in her eyes and spilled. He wiped at them.
"What are we going to tell him?" she said.
Rick smiled. "That his parents aren't gonna fight anymore. That his parents still love each other, but as friends. We're still a family, Lori. We always will be."
She smiled, actually smiled at that, and he could've sworn it was the first time he'd seen her relaxed in years.
/-
He was glad with his decision to expand. Two more houses were now up, new people had moved in. Good, hardworking people and together they began to grow a little neighborhood. Rick knew it was just the start, and against the vast numbers of vicious groups out there with way more numbers than them, they were still extremely vulnerable. But it was a start.
Months after he and Lori decided to part ways, he was still mourning for the loss. After all, it had been such a huge chapter in his life. You can't just let that go. But he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Hers, too. Often now he caught her laughing, finally getting along with members of the group she'd previously never talked to.
He heard giggling in the distance and turned to see Glenn and Maggie, they were running off somewhere but suddenly stopped to kiss each other. Rick smiled. Those two. From the moment they met they made each other so happy...
He lowered his head.
That conversation he'd had with Daryl months prior still tormented him periodically. It tormented him when they were in scouting trips and unknowingly he'd tease Andrea about something and she'd slap his arm and he'd laugh. It tormented him when she was too hot and used her bottle of water to cool her neck and he found himself staring. It tormented him when there was a decision he needed to make and she'd step in and help him make the right one. It tormented him when he made her laugh. It tormented him every time she shot a walker from a huge distance and then did her little celebratory Walker Dance that he found so adorable.
But Andrea was a friend. Friends tease each other. Friends make each other laugh. Friends support each other.
He saw her off into the distance, picking apples. She had a basket by her feet and was slowly collecting more from their orchard. He was going to prove his theory right.
With a sigh, and a knot in his stomach he jogged over, and when he approached her she looked up and smiled.
You see that smile she gets when she looks at you? Is the same one you get when you look at her.
"Need any help?"
"Sure," she said, picking up the basket and handing it to him. "Here."
Rick frowned. "Why do I have to hold the basket?"
Andrea snorted. "Like I'm gonna give you the easier job."
He laughed. Score one for him. Friends make each other laugh.
He continued to follow her as she walked backwards, picking apples left and right and throwing them in the basket. She seemed so into it, so concentrated, that she never said a thing. But the silence wasn't uncomfortable. He was actually enjoying seeing all the colors from all the different types of apples in the basket. Maybe Carol could make apple pie. Oh, please, God, let Carol make apple pie.
"Ah!"
He looked up with alarm, watching her dunk something to the floor. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"A worm! A worm! Yuck!" she said, wiping her hand at her pants over and over again.
Rick chuckled. "You can kill a walker with a pocket knife, but a worm is disgusting?"
"Uggghh," Andrea said, squirming. "Gross."
Rick shook his head. "Wimp."
"Shut up."
He smiled. Score 2. Friends tease each other.
They finally reached the end of the row and Andrea sighed. "Let's take a break."
"Alright."
She found a small hill with a tree on top and slumped herself down. Rick put the basket on the grass and did the same, spreading his body out and leaning on his elbow. Andrea reached for one of the apples and began to eat, and he did the same. They stayed like that for a while, and Rick reveled in this glorious fall weather. Not too hot. Not too cold. Just perfect, and the apples were juicy and delicious.
"I like it," Andrea said and Rick looked up at her. Her hair was blowing into her face and she was attempting to get it away.
"What?"
"What we're doing. Expanding. Getting new people," she said and smiled. "Feels good. Kinda like... almost normal. You made the right decision."
Rick smiled. Score 3. Friends support each other.
"I wasn't sure at first," he said.
"Why?"
"You just never know these days," he said.
From her Indian style sitting she pushed her legs forward and kicked off her shoes, wiggling her toes. Rick watched this with amusement.
"I think... there's a lot of people bad there, doing horrible things," she said. "But I also think there's more people out there desperate to live, good people. People wanna be happy again. I know I do."
He looked at her. He swallowed the words deep into his stomach, where they pooled to create a whirlwind. And when she scrunched her nose and smiled at her wiggling toes the whirlwind picked up.
He smiled at himself.
Score 100 for Daryl. Friends don't give each other butterflies.
Rick almost laughed, almost. That redneck was never going to stop surprising him.
He didn't tear his eyes away from her and when she felt him she turned to him with a questioning expression. "What?"
He thought of Daryl again. Just go for it, man.
Without saying anything he reached up and pressed his lips to her, his hand reaching for her face. Instinctively she brought her hand to his wrist and froze for a second, but when his lips nibbled at her lower lip, she nibbled at his upper lip. It lasted just a second, and then she pulled back, looking at him with surprise.
"Rick, what are you doing?"
His hand was still on her face, hers still on his wrist and he sat up to face her. "I honestly don't know, Andrea," he said and his thumb stroked her cheek. He didn't miss the way it turned red.
"You honestly don't know? That's your answer?"
He just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
She didn't seem to like this, though, because she stood up and began to walk away. He stood up, too, ready to chase after her, but then she stopped and turned around.
"Have you gone insane?"
He chuckled. "Why?"
She gave him an incredulous look. "You just... go around... kissing people?"
"No, just you," he said.
Her frown intensified as she looked at him disbelievingly, and that stupid smile on his face. She looked at the basket and worried her face. "Oh, God. There was pesticide in those apples."
Rick chuckled as he approached her. She eyed him wearily. He stopped at a safe distance as to not scare her. "I did it because I like you."
The revelation made her face turn into an expression he'd never seen before, with too many emotions running through it, but mostly shock stood out.
Rick gave her an arrogant smile. "And I think you like me, too."
The expression was gone and she chuckled sarcastically crossing her arms. "Oh, you do, do you."
He took one step forward. "Pretty sure I do."
Andrea shook her head. "Pray tell, how?"
He gave her a cheeky look. "You kissed me back."
She opened her mouth and no sound came out for two seconds. Then, "I did no such thing."
Rick nodded with a shit eating grin. "Andrea, you kissed me back."
"No, I didn't!"
He took another step forward. She didn't take one back. "I know when I'm being kissed."
Andrea gave him a challenging smile. "And I know when I'm kissing. And that wasn't me kissing you."
He chuckled, taking another step forward. "You must've been a really crappy lawyer back then."
She frowned. "I was an awesome lawyer, and you have no proof."
"Yes I do."
Andrea challenged him with a nod. "Where is it?"
"Here," he said and grabbed her, pressing his lips to hers again and this time she took a deep breath. She stayed still for a second, but when his lips began to move, hers did, too. They nibbled at each other again, and this time she wrapped her arms around his neck, giving herself to him, parting her lips when his tongue asked for entrance and when it did she moaned. The little sound made him press her harder to him and they kissed deeper, alternating slow and fast, her fingers raking at his hair and his neck, his hands exploring her waist, their tongues tasting apples and each other. When they finally ran out of air she pulled back with a gasp, and when she looked at him again he had that shit eating grin.
"Pretty sure the judge would allow that as evidence," he said.
She scrunched her nose at him. "Oh, I hate you."
"No you don't. We went over this. Want me to prove it to you again? Here."
He kissed her again and this time she responded right away, her hands lowering to his chest as his came up to her neck and tangled into her hair. He pulled the blonde strands back to dip her head and kiss deeper, and when she took a deep breath he couldn't help the moan that escaped him. Luckily they were outside in broad daylight and not anywhere near a bed, although Rick was starting to think the ground would suit him just fine if she didn't mind.
Andrea pulled back and pressed her forehead to his. "Rick, where is this coming from?"
"Been a while coming, I think," Rick told her, his arms still around her waist, stroking her lower back. "Don't you?"
She looked down, suddenly shy. "I don't know."
"Come on, even Daryl saw it."
At the revelation she looked at him with eyes wide. "Daryl? You're taking advice from Daryl?"
Rick smiled. "Aren't you glad I did?"
Andrea chuckled, leaning into him and he kissed her cheek. "Yeah, score one for the redneck."
/-
Days later he leaned against one of the fences, watching as T-Dog, Andrea, and Carl played a game of tag. So far T-Dog had been tagged so many times that Andrea and Carl didn't even bother trying to tag each other. T-Dog was so out of shape that he was their target each time. Rick smiled.
"Aw, man," Daryl said as he came to stand next to him. "Ya got that faggot look on your face."
Rick frowned at him. "First you tell me I like Andrea, now you're telling me I'm gay-"
Daryl clicked his tongue. "I don't mean faggot as in gay, I mean faggot as in... just ey, teacher, you forgot to gave us homework."
Rick shook his head. The things Daryl came up with sometimes. He heard a shriek and looked back. T-Dog was it again. He tried to chase after Andrea and Carl. Carl lagged behind, but Andrea picked him up and ran with him in her arms, and even with the added weight T-Dog couldn't catch them. Rick grinned.
When he noticed Daryl was looking at him he rolled his eyes. "What, I look like a faggot again?"
Daryl smiled at him and shrugged his shoulders. "Naw, man. You look happy."