Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight

A/N: Thought of this idea one night tossing and turning but didn't bother putting it down until I had a reminder, and an inspiration. This story will only be a few chapters, and be written all in Bella's POV. She will talk in first person, then write a story to Jacob and send it. It's based in early breaking Dawn ignoring Renesmee and shortly after the marriage. J/B

I've already written one story to you. But this one runs deeper with my feelings and actions I still wish could be done. Please read deeply into this, because it parallels my thoughts towards our past.

You still are my Jacob, and he is still my Edward as much as would like the change it. Edward and Bella's marriage is like my choice to leave with him to Florida; I'm sorry.

Dedicated to Crayon.

Please read and review :)

More than Moonlight

My pencil hits paper, the graphite leaving faithful lines of letters.

They're only words after all

They're meant to trash and repair

To rip and snare

They're meant to mend and restore

For promises and more

Yet what they are to you,

Is all your call

I felt a single tear dance down my pale cheek at nonsense drabble. The moment I promised myself I would not shed another tear for Jacob Black, was a joke. A bittersweet lie I had convinced myself of when I still saw through the heavy shade of rose coloured glasses Edward had been placed on me.

I dwindled the ring on my finger, pencil still in my hand. The stone seemed so much heavier when Jacob loomed on my thoughts. It was heavy like guilt, like regret, like a mistake I tried to convince myself endlessly I had not made.

I had made the right choice, I couldn't live without him; Edward. He was like oxygen to me. He made me feel like he was the reason for all that I had become. Without him I was lost, scared and alone no matter who stood beside me. At least I had convinced myself that. All of the emotional whiplash lately hadn't made my thoughts too clear through the last few months.

I had gone through all the motions though, I married Edward. I was planning my leave for Alaska, telling my parents, my transformation. My life was set in stone like the ring on my finger, yet my stomach was still turning with unnecessary apprehension. My nights were still spent dreaming of what I didn't have; Jacob Black.

The future I thought wasn't enough for me.

No I knew it wasn't enough, I needed more. I always selfishly wanted more.

And here yet again, I wanted more than I had; I wanted the relationship I never had.

After the discovering of this longing I had for Jacob I needed to do something with it. If I left this growing fiery desire in me, it would engulf me whole and consume every inch of my body with doubt, and emotions that Edward couldn't be allowed to see. If there was one thing I had to promise, was that I couldn't show the abundant amount of emotion I had for Jacob.

Those feelings that laid dormant for months now only growing upon realization; feelings that didn't seem to fade with time, regardless of the span. I knew if I was turned in this state of mind my love for Edward would be absolutely troubled through the rest of our eternity. Vampire's feelings were permanent and irrevocable, as my feelings would be for Jacob as I watched him die from a distance as my enemy. I couldn't bare that.

That's why I decided to wait.

This only pleased Edward more, but causing him suspicion that could only trouble him day and night. I couldn't lie, but I couldn't admit I wanted to purge myself of the feelings for Jacob.

Especially when that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I truly wanted to embrace them; harness them and bathe in all their perfection. Everything that was Jacob could cover me, smoother me in ecstasy and maybe then I would be finally happy.

But that was the last thing I could do at this point; I was married and committed.

I had already made the mistake of being unfaithful once to someone as loyal and promising as Edward. Regardless what he had done in past; left me of not, he didn't deserve what I did.

But everything that had changed me so severely had happened, with or without my consent. I was older, and with the time it had aged me in ways I didn't expect. My heart was in eclipse again, battling against the waves of the stars, gasping for breath, gasping for moonlight.

That moonlight wasn't enough to give me sight anymore; I needed my radiating sun not a reflection off of a cold hard surface.

So here I was doing the only thing I could, sitting in my old room even when I had my very own beautiful large house, writing my sad poetry and stories stating everything I wanted, everything that was Jacob.

I glanced down at the page speaking my previously written words ready to continue this for the first time, to relieve the ache bound to my heart.

"There only words after all

There meant to trash and repair

To rip and snare

There meant to mend and restore

For promises and more

Yet what they are to you,

Is all your call."

The dull whole overwhelmed me again as my pencil found the paper again, tears staining many of the edges.

Dear Jacob

I love you, this is all I can give you.

If we could go back, back before the wedding, before I thought you weren't enough, before I needed any one to be me before I decided I needed someone to be me. At a place in time where were my choice was different, and I was complete. I was someone I could be proud of, and you could too.

I would be yours.

Or I was about to be.

Sadly there isn't a place in my past like this.

A place we didn't need imprinting, or silly folklore, we only needed each other.

I felt his cold arms release me, my head lifted from a trance and I felt so alone. But that's not all, I felt so full of life. I felt alone, but living breathing and full of the life that was never meant to be taken.

Even though I was surrounded for so long by things of the supernatural nature, I was so much stronger. I had already faced the untameable, I had nothing else to fear human; despite my own deathly clumsiness.

How did I survive what happened?

Edward had looked at me, so sternly seeing the pain seething through my eyes. I was like an open book to him. The tears were only added theatricals.

"Bella," His melodic voice whispered, "Please, tell me what I did wrong. I'm sorry." He urged his ice hand finding my chin and tracing down causing the eruption of pleasant shivers. His touch was still craved regardless.

I was choking on my own breath. It was staying hitched in my throat as all I could see was your face Jacob, twisted in pain in mind. For the first time I was looking at Edward, only imagining your face. I only wanted to make it better for you. I was barely present for Edward to hurt me, thus I knew the pain would come like a land fall afterwards.

"Bella..." Edward pleaded barely catching my focus.

"I need to live." I murmured out weakly, somehow through my clouded thoughts.

"Then you will, Bella. I never want to take your life." He gushed kissing my forehead with his icy lips over and over in reassurance.

"No, I need to live, was what I meant." I sobbed, cold and hard. Edward let my face hang by itself his hand falling to his sides.

"You mean you changed your mind love." He stated rather than questioned. He spoke the words that rightfully were mine. It angered me in my mania. It was a pointless fury, but none the less it was present.

I gasped finding my words through the salty chokehold, "I may be selfish for this, for wanting it all. But I can't have it all at once. With age I will want more and more what I might have never been able to have. I don't want to sink into the depression that Rose feels, because the human I manage to keep if I turn will want what I have a chance to have right now."

"Very well Bella, do you want me to leave?" He nodded his golden orbs in pools of loss. It was tearing my edges and toying with my head, my choice.

I knew I would do this again, and again. I had to think of you, my Jacob, your pain, what you deserved. I had to fight through my emotions telling me not to hurt this selfless creature. He didn't deserve to leave me, but that, that was what was happening.

"Yes." I bit my voice inaudible. I knew Edward had miraculously heard; I wouldn't be able to say that again.

"I will never trouble you again love."

Those words were his forever. He was famous for breaking me that way as he left me, standing and alone in my own disaster. The disaster I had to face, I had to stay strong and walk through.

I could do it, alone.

But I wouldn't be alone and that is what would make me pursue my future. I had everything I needed, my Jacob.

I could keep my family, my friends the rose colour that came to my cheeks all too often, the two left feet I was given by my father, my soft malleable skin that was warm to the touch. After the storm I would have everything that made me human, everything that I had finally learned to cherish.

I didn't leave my room for a day after that.

I dealt with my own tears and the regret of losing the life that could've been mine. I fought off my destruction by the thought of the life I was given; mortality.

I knew Charlie had clued in to what had happened. I also knew he had informed Billy. It was inevitable when they were like old women with their words.

When I did leave my room, I was rugged and starving feeling too exhausted and malnourished to care what I consumed. Anything that sat around from the night before was easy picking. My prey ended up being day old pizza Charlie had consumed without my guidance in the kitchen.

Hearing my awakening Charlie modestly entered the kitchen, eye brows raised and eyes filled with concern. I knew what he feared most; what I had become before. He feared the shadow that had shaped me and everything from this point on.

"I'm fine." I spoke sternly raising the corner of my lips to Charlie's surprise. I was agitated and sleep deprived so asking much more wasn't wise.

Yea sure, my shoulders felt heavy, my heart was wounded, my very essence was hurting, but in the truth I would surely be fine, I was fine.

"If you say so kid. Jake called, he's worried 'bout you." Charlie explained sympathetically taking the empty plate from me placing it in the sink.

Of course you would be worried about me; the sun always worries about everything it shines its rays on. You already knew after fighting the storm I needed your radiating body to dry my drenched body.

"It's not like last time Dad, I did this." I concluded. I didn't need much more an explanation with the non-hovering Charlie. At the moment I was more than thankful for Charlie's characteristics.

I could only guess the thoughts through my father's head. I knew he was more than pleased about the absence of Edward despite his lack of reasoning to be, other than the fact he was rooting for Jake and I since day one. Though anyone with a sliver of common sense would question why someone would put them self through a storm they created. Why they would sit and wait for the eye of the hurricane knowing the destruction before and after it.

But this was the storm I needed to face to escape the life time of regrets and sorrows that I possibly would face. This was my chance to relieve myself of everything and maybe be happy. This also was the eye of the storm, the calm before facing the dreaded pain.

"Oh." Charlie grunted in his wordless manor and turned to continue his day knowing pressing me anymore would only be troubling.

With two of my temporary obstacles conquered my attention flickered to a shower and ridding myself of the rugged appearance I was fashioning. My hair terribly unkempt, shirt soiled with ruined make up and my face dry and rough from lack of care.

Showering was by far the easiest thing I faced yet, the thoughts of you returning to my head as the hot water caressed my naked body. They reminded me of their similarity to your hot touches and only caused shivers of anticipation to shake me.

I finally was all myself, and not a shadow of anyone or anything. I could be what I needed to be over the last three years. I was going to be with you, Jacob Black.

I was going to love you, Jacob Black.

With the final scribble of his name I picked up the multiple pages of my writing, re-read and fixing what was necessary. Then folding the unformal paper to fit into an envelope and printed his name once again on the outside.

I head downstairs knowing I needed head back to the place I owned, back to my husband.

I handed Charlie the letter feeling much like a two year old passing notes, but I knew I could never murmur the words that the letter possessed. Reading anything like that out loud would boil every insecurity my tiny frame had over and on to the surface. This was the only way to show how much I wished it were different.

This would prove to him how different I actually wanted it to be.

Please review!