Disclaimer: If Harry Potter was mine, perhaps I'd be able to convince my mother that I really don't need to fill out those college apps after all. Alas, I'm still filling them out. Oh, and I don't own "Ghostbusters" either. Bummer.
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- For those really annoying people that you can't really help but fancy
and the friends who help you through it. -
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Of Parchment Thieves and Dangerous Doodles
***
Thunk.
Remus looked up, searching for the source of the sudden and seemingly random noise that had startled him out of his review of Arithmancy before dinner.
He didn't have to look far.
Lily Evans was sitting across from him, her face flat on the table and her lovely red hair spilling around her, fanning across the table top.
"Er…Lily?"
"I need your help." Her voice came out slightly muffled, as she apparently deemed her situation dire enough to require melodramatics that did not permit her to raise her head from where she had plonked it on his table.
"With what, may I ask?"
"James."
"James."
"Yes. James."
"May I ask why?"
"Is there any chance that if I say no, you'll help me anyway?"
"Not a particularly good chance, no."
"Ah. That's rather bothersome, isn't it?"
"Yes; yes, I can see how that would be slightly irksome."
"Indeed." There followed a moment of silence, in which Lily continued her rather intimate acquaintance with the table top and Remus continued reading, occasionally flicking a page of his book.
"Remus?"
"Hmm?"
"I suppose I might tell you after all. I do need your help something dreadful."
"Oh?" A long-suffering sigh met his ears.
"Yes. It's utterly horrific, so prepare yourself for something quite shocking."
"Alright."
"James…" Another sigh. "Has stolen my parchment."
Here Remus deemed it necessary to glance up from his book to stare at the redhead in disbelief. "…Beg pardon?"
"Yes. I know. It's quite horrid."
"…Right."
"Remus!" Lily wailed, raising her head to stare at him, utterly dejected and slightly irritated that he was not taking the apparently ghastly situation as seriously as he should. "James has stolen my parchment! I don't think you're grasping the gravity of the situation!"
The third years two tables over were staring. Lily was ignoring their blatant ogling, instead fixing Remus with a heartbroken, pleading, indignant, pouting glare. It was a special talent of hers, he mused, fusing so many contradictory emotions into one single facial expression. It had utterly fascinated Sirius their third year.
"Sorry," he grinned, not bothering at all to hide the fact that no, he wasn't really. Apparently, it was indeed, quite apparent.
Thunk.
"Lies," Lily proclaimed sadly to the table top. "All lies. You're not sorry. You don't care. You don't give one flobberworm's slippery backside that I'm miserable and wallowing and my world is about to end." She lifted her head to stare balefully at him with wide doe eyes. "You don't love me, Remus."
He burst out laughing, abruptly turning it into a coughing fit when Madame Pince turned to glare at him for daring to disturb the peace and quiet of the nearly empty – save the two of them and the third years – library. When he turned back to Lily, she was glaring at him again.
"Er, right; sorry." He cleared his throat. "So, James has stolen your parchment?" he clarified, struggling to keep his face straight. Lily nodded emphatically. "Odd. He hasn't really done things like that since fifth year." She hesitated, biting her lip a little, no longer meeting his eyes. "So James stole your parchment?"
"Yes. Precisely." He stared at her. "Well, perhaps "stealing" is the wrong way to phrase it." He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I gave it to him, alright?" she snapped, abruptly slumping back in her chair and crossing her arms. He looked at her amusedly. She petulantly avoided his gaze and instead faced the still-staring third years, crossing her eyes and sticking her tongue at them (while still managing to glare, he noticed with admiration). They hurriedly turned back to their own work.
"Lily." She faced him, her lower lip sticking out in a pout that would put Sirius to shame. "What happened?"
Her lip trembled almost comically, and then…"Ugh! I don't know! We were leaving Charms and he asked to borrow my notes, as he'd missed half the class because he was late because a first year got a Pepper Imp stuck up his nose during break and the kid was utterly hysterical and James had to calm him down and then take him to the hospital wing, and I thought nothing of it at the time so I pulled my notes out of my bag and gave them to him and then I went to my dormitory to do my homework and I was pulling out all my papers from the day and that was when I noticed that I was missing…a rather important piece of parchment…and the only logical explanation is that it was mixed in with my notes and I gave it to him by mistake!" She wailed at the end of her impressive speech and thunked her head down to the table. Again.
He raised an eyebrow. She raised her head and glared. "Don't even," she hissed. "I taught you "The Eyebrow"." Sirius had nicknamed her signature look in fifth year and it had amused her so much that she often brought it up in random conversations during awkward silences. He smiled innocently, shrugging his shoulders. Her eyes narrowed.
"Can I ask why this parchment was so important?" She suddenly began fidgeting quite a lot.
"Well, it might have hypothetically contained some rather…private, highly-classified information that, if placed in the wrong hands, could spell the end of the world as we know it." He stared. "Or something like that."
"The end of the world as we know it, hmm?" he mused, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. She nodded eagerly.
"We're talking a disaster of biblical proportions…Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!" The third years were now quickly packing up their things and edging away. Madame Pince, who had been coming over to scold Lily for being so loud, abruptly made a face and turned around, walking quickly in the opposite direction.
"Might one ask what this information was?" Lily looked distinctly uncomfortable.
"Well…" she hedged. "One might…I suppose…"
He laughed, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Lily, what's wrong?"
She wailed, not for the first time, and buried her face in her hands ashamedly. "I had doodled all over this parchment in Transfiguration this morning instead of taking notes!"
"'Doodled' as in drew little pictures."
"Yes, Remus, doodled as in drew little pictures." Her voice was muffled again.
"…And why is that so problematic?"
Lily sighed, her face still hidden. "I may or may not have drawn the name of the person I may or may not fancy all over the page." Remus chuckled. Lily had good reason to be worried. Though James didn't just hex for fun anymore, it had to be slightly scarring when a boy that you couldn't stand – who was coincidentally utterly enamored of you – hexed your first crush during second year.
"So?"
She lowered her hands. "So?" She stared as though he were a three-headed hippogriff. "So?! What do you mean, So?!?"
Remus cocked his head to the side, eyeing the slightly hysterical girl before him. "Lily, you've never had a problem confronting him before. Just ask him for it, and if he refuses, then hex him and take it back."
"Ah, Remus, my dear furry friend," she sighed dramatically, becoming eerily calm almost comically fast, considering how worked up she had been seconds before. "If only it were that simple. You see, I have this slight, trifling little issue with hexing people I fancy."
"…"
"What?"
"…"
"Remus, you're scaring me."
"…"
"Merlin's pants, Remus, say something!"
"You fancy James?!" She squirmed.
"Er…maybe."
"Finally! That's fantastic, Lily! He's been hoping for that since fourth year." She avoided eye contact. "So why is his having the parchment a bad thing?" Silence. "Lily?" More eye-contact avoidance. "Lily…"
"Yes?" She still wasn't looking at him.
"You were planning on telling him that you now fancy him, right?"
"Of course, Remus." She looked suddenly shifty eyed.
"…Really."
"Mm-hm. Yep. Absolutely. Totally."
"That's not really fair to him, you know." She did look at him then, scowling like a child told it had to apologize for biting its playmate, but he stared her down. After a moment, her lip trembled, and she wiped furiously at the angry tears that had sprung to her eyes.
"Sodding Merlin's sagging left buttock – "
"Lily!"
She ignored his scandalized tone. "You're supposed to be on my side, Remus! You have to help me! I don't want to fancy him!"
He stared at her, feeling torn between fond amusement and something akin to disgruntled frustration. Lily was one of his closest friends, but James was too, and he'd been attempting to woo her for four years, constantly putting his heart out on the line and taking the risk (although Remus had to concede that she had never been overtly mean in her rejections, and James had been quite cocky in fifth year, so she had been perfectly within her rights to call him an arrogant, smarmy little toady). And she simply proclaimed that she didn't want to fancy him?! Could she really be that thick? He stared at her, puzzling it over, and she stared defiantly back, her lip still trembling in her pale, frustrated face.
He cocked his head, looking at her and considering. This was Lily Evans.
Lily Evans, who in first year during flying lessons, had immediately gone thirty feet in the air the second they'd been given permission to kick off the ground, had attempted a loop-dee-loop in spite of the fact that she didn't know how to fly, had promptly fallen off the broom and broken her wrist, and had laughed, instead of crying like a normal person. Who had answered, when James asked why she was laughing, that the wind and the speed and the freedom were too exhilarating to allow her to care about something as trivial as broken bones.
Lily Evans, who in second year when a group of sixth year Slytherins had taunted her and called her all sorts of unspeakable things had stood her ground and grinned at them and cheerfully accepted her detention from McGonagall when those Slytherins turned up at the Headmaster's office in what Flitwick had described as "the most powerful Jelly-Legs Curse he had ever seen".
Lily Evans, who in third year had calmly walked up to the Shrieking Shack on a dare (from Sirius) when every other third year (save the Marauders) and quite a few fourth years were too afraid to, and declared that it seemed like a rather pleasant place.
Lily Evans, who in fourth year had come into the hospital wing as Remus lay recovering from the full moon the night before, unceremoniously plopped down on his bed, handed him a chocolate frog and notes from classes that day, told him that she knew his secret, and declared him her favorite boy ever, because he was kind and funny, knew who The Ramones were, always had a handy supply of chocolate that he was always willing to share, and was the only boy who would ever truly understand PMS.
Lily Evans, who in fifth year had made prefect and screamed at James in the Great Hall to "TAKE THE FIRST YEAR OFF THE CEILING, OR PREPARE TO LOSE HIS ABILITY TO EVER ENDANGER THE HUMAN RACE BY PASSING ON HIS BESPECTLACLED, MESSY-HAIRED GENES, SO HELP HER MERLIN", but had laughed harder than anyone else (including James and Sirius themselves) when Sirius and James had turned her into a gremlin and, instead of getting upset, had spent the day creating all sorts of delightful mischief.
Lily Evans, who in sixth year had promptly ignored the fact that her best friend of nearly eleven years had betrayed her and instead held her head up high and proceeded to march unashamedly about the school in her mismatched, crazily-patterned knee-high socks while charming teachers and students alike and excelling in all her classes.
Lily Evans, who on their first day of seventh year, despite the fact that she was Head Girl, had engaged in a full-fledged prank war with Peeves in retaliation to one of his tricks, to his utter and complete delight. Who had cheekily smiled at McGonagall when receiving her week's worth of detentions for said war, and had received a smile in return.
Lily Evans, who was known for her wicked sense of humor, dazzling wit, and tendency to mislead second years when they asked for directions to their classrooms.
Lily Evans, who had asked Peter to the Christmas Ball immediately after Parkinson, that vile Slytherin cow, had cruelly mocked him about his hopelessness with women, and had declared him the best dancing partner she'd ever had.
Lily Evans, who didn't hesitate to take James' ego down a notch or two, but also never hesitated to give him reasonable credit when he deserved it before going back to bantering and arguing with him like nothing had ever happened.
Lily Evans, who never had a problem listening to James rant for over an hour about her faults, but immediately hexed him when he started rapturing about her many merits and calmly told Slughorn that no, she hadn't known it was against the rules to use magic on other students, and when had they established that rule? and she was terribly aggrieved…and had gotten away with it.
Lily Evans, who was universally adored by everyone, even Peeves, who didn't like anyone (she was the only student he never caused mischief for, and he could often be found trailing after her, talking to her in earnest about Merlin only knew what), and Sirius, who had never before liked a girl platonically yet had declared her the "best bird he had ever met" halfway through sixth year.
…Lily Evans, who had been convinced that the only way to get Alice and Frank to realize their love for each other had been to lock them in a broom closet until they admitted it…and had done so before Remus was able to stop her.
…Yes, yes she could be that thick.
"Lily," he sighed, rubbing a hand across his forehead. "What on earth do you want me to do about it?" She grinned at him, her eyes persuasive and eager, her voice earnest.
"It's nothing, really. All you have to do is keep James from reading the notes, find the parchment, and then steal it while he's not paying attention whilst I sneak down to the dungeons and whip up a steaming hot batch of Aitnetroma. It should be a synch for a Marauder."
His brow furrowed. "What in galloping Godric's name is Aitnetroma?"
"The opposite of Amortentia," she stated matter-of-factly. "I'm thinking its effects will trigger the opposite reaction in a person that Amortentia would; in which case, once you get the parchment, problem solved!"
He sighed again, pushing back his hair, which despite his youth was riddled with strands going prematurely gray – due to, no doubt, his incredibly ridiculous friends and their seemingly never-ending desire to skate dramatic, sexually-tension-laden circles around each other for the rest of their lives. "Lily, there are several problems with your "solution"." Her eyes narrowed dramatically at the use of his air quotes. "For one, James is also a Marauder, and far more practiced in the execution of stealth than in the planning of the measures which require said stealth, unlike yours truly. Secondly, he's probably already found the parchment. And thirdly, Aitnetroma doesn't exist." Her shoulders slumped, and Remus couldn't help the little pull at his heartstrings at the distraught look on her face.
"I don't know, Lily," he muttered, resting his hand gently on hers. "Maybe you're looking at this whole "fancying James" thing from the wrong perspective. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you haven't exactly been known to be the most level-headed when it comes to relationships."
"And what's that supposed to mean?!"
"…Lily, you locked Fred and Alice in a closet until they admitted they fancied each other."
"So?"
"…They were in there for five hours, and they're both so shy that they couldn't look at each other without blushing for at least a week!" She rolled her eyes, waving his protests away with a flutter of the slender hand that she'd written notes to herself all over, as, he knew, was her wont.
"They never would have told each other if I hadn't…urged them on, and I still maintain that the blushing was just a side-effect of new love. Besides, look how happy they are now!"
"You do realize that you're basically proving my argument for why you should tell James, right?" he asked gently, watching her closely.
"That's…that's entirely different!" she spluttered. "Franks and Alice are…well, they were utterly in love, and everyone except them could see it, and they're so similar, anyways!"
"Is that what this is about? The fact that you and James aren't similar?" he said cautiously, knowing that something more than a stubborn unwillingness to let go of a grudge towards his friend was bothering her.
"Sort of," she answered, more seriously than he had seen her all evening. "It's just that…" And she trailed off, her gaze fixed on something over his shoulder that he knew she wasn't really seeing.
"You can tell me, Lily."
"I just…" Her eyes were big and vulnerable, and she suddenly leaned forward and began to talk, her voice raw and urgent. "James is one of those people that knows where he's going, how he's going to get there, what he's doing with his life. Once his mind is made up there's no swaying him." Her eyes flashed up to him. "Remus, he's been telling me that he's going to marry me since the end of fourth year, and even though I know he's always been joking when he said it, he's a commitment kind of person. And I'm…" She trailed off again, but Remus understood what she meant. Lily Evans was predictable in only three things: her staunch loyalty to those she loved, her frequent and very vocal arguments with James, and her unpredictability. "I'm the most commit-a-phobic person you will ever meet! I have no clue what I want to do once I get out of here! Hell, I wear mismatched socks because I can't decide which ones to wear in the morning!" Remus glanced under the table and saw that her knee-highs were, indeed, mismatched. Purple snitches and giggling turquoise daffodils. How cute.
He looked back up to her, and was surprised to find that she looked scared. He had never seen Lily Evans look scared. Cheerful, mischievous, proud, happy, upset, shocked, confused, pained, drunk, and mad as hell, sure, but never scared. Squeezing her hand gently, he met her gaze with a smile. "He's not going to drop you like a hot broomstick just because you've got a different grasp on the future than he does. He knew that when he fell for you, and you know he'll still want to be with you, in spite of the fact that you're insane." He let that sink in, and watched as her eyes brightened momentarily before dimming again. "What now?"
She heaved a sigh and pouted. "I still don't want to fancy him."
"Why not, Lily?"
She grimaced. "Would it be petty of me to say that I didn't want to seem like I was giving in to peer pressure?"
"Yes."
"Remus!" she whined, sounding remarkably like Sirius when he wanted something. "That's not the right answer!"
"Well, then do something about it and I won't have to tell you the truth!"
"Merlin, I hate it when you're all logical," she grumbled, standing and picking up her bag and walking towards the exit.
*****
That's it; it was settled. His friends were all mental, and there was absolutely no hope for them, so he was just going to check them into St. Mungo's right then and there. Because, seriously? No hope. Not a single one.
He had dimly realized this when Lily had stormed into the Great Hall in the middle of dinner, strode up to James, shrieking about the first year she had found bouncing around the dungeon ceiling like an over-inflated balloon, and after a ten-minute all-out yelling match (during which James vehemently denied responsibility for the crime, Sirius and Peter exchanged high-fives behind James' back, and the whole school watched – half gaping in shock and half grinning at the parries of mental wit being exchanged), she had abruptly yanked on his tie, pulling his face down to hers, and proceeded to snog him senseless. After a minute or so (during which the whole school stared, this time entirely out of shock), she had pulled back, grinning madly.
"I s'pose that explains the parchment I found in the midst of all those Charms notes today?" James asked, grinning but looking slightly dazed, his hands still cradling her waist. "The one with my name doodled all over it?"
"What? Oh, no. Silly James. Those weren't my notes. I'd borrowed them from Remus earlier today." And with a cheeky grin she tapped him on the nose and flounced back out the hall just as suddenly as she'd entered, winking openly at Remus on her way out, accompanied by gales of laughter.
Bloody. Mental. Still, he supposed, watching as James ran after her and she ambushed him just outside of the doors, jumping on his back and proceeding to embrace him tightly, looking more cheerful than he'd seen her in a while, that was Lily Evans for you. And he was pretty sure that no one – himself included – would have her any other way.
*****