The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to a party somewhere! Well little AJ is two! Time does fly by doesn't it? Just some thoughts on my mind on what her birthday parties were like. Lots of fun and cute fluff. Well maybe cute isn't exactly the right word to describe what Archer and the gang do…
Happy Birthday AJ!
"I can't believe little AJ is two years old already!" Pam said as she helped Lana set up decorations in the agency break room. "It seems just yesterday that I was pulling her out of your va-jay-jay in that airport in San Marcos!"
"Va-Jay-Jay White Oprah?" Lana gave Pam a look.
"You told me to cut down on the swears around her!" Pam pointed out.
"Vagina isn't a swear word," Lana groaned.
"It isn't?" Pam blinked. "Well how about…?"
"STOP!" Lana held up her hand. "Pam I don't want to get into a dirty vocabulary lesson on my daughter's birthday."
"Well then how…?" Pam began.
"Look it up on your God damn phone!" Lana barked.
"You said damn," Pam pointed out. "Even I know that's a swear."
"Just help me finish setting up for the party," Lana groaned. "Since Ray is out getting the food. Archer is getting AJ ready. Cyril is out with Mallory getting drinks. Or trying to prevent her from having too many drinks…I have no idea what Krieger is doing and…What are you doing?"
"What?" Cheryl's voice was unusually squeaky. This was because she was sniffing helium that was supposed to go into the balloons.
"The helium is supposed to go into your balloons!" Pam snapped. "Not your lungs!"
"I like how I sound this way!" Cheryl giggled.
"You sound like Tweety Bird on crack," Pam snorted. "I wanna try!"
"Ugh…" Lana groaned as Pam and Cheryl played with Helium. "Why did I insist on balloons for this party?"
"Okay I got the rest of the food and the cake," Ray said as he walked in with a large reusable grocery bag on one arm and a cake in his hands.
"And I've got the Birthday Girl!" Archer said as he carried a happy AJ in his arms. She was wearing a pretty blue party dress. "How's it going in here?"
"We represent the Lollypop Guild!" Pam and Cheryl sang with helium voices. "The Lollypop Guild! The Lollypop Guild! We represent the Lollypop Guild! We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land!"
"How do you think it's going?" Lana groaned. AJ laughed at the sounds.
"Yeah," Ray chuckled. "Balloons were not a good idea."
"Thanks a lot Holly Hindsight!" Lana snapped. "Ugh! There's still so much to do and set up."
"I've got this," Ray smirked. "Stand back!"
Using his super speed legs Ray managed to rush around and finish decorating the room and setting up the food on the tables. (He left some balloons and helium for Cheryl to play with.)
"Ta Da!" Ray ended with a flourish.
"Nice going Qu…" Archer began.
"Don't call me Queer-Silver," Ray gave him a look.
"No, I was just going to say Quicksilver period," Archer corrected.
"Northstar would be closer to Ray," Pam pointed out. Her voice was back to normal. Cheryl was still huffing helium.
"Yeah but Ray's not Canadian," Archer pointed out. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Quicksilver has snuck out for a night out in the Village if you get my drift."
"Quicksilver was married," Pam challenged.
"So was Ray," Archer remarked.
"He does have a point," Ray shrugged.
"Still worried that you went so fast you could have ignited the gas in the balloons," Archer frowned. "Maybe the balloons were a bad idea?"
"Once again…Helium is non-flammable!" Lana groaned.
"Awww…" Cheryl still had her helium voice. "I wanted to explode."
"Take it down a notch Gir!" Archer groaned as he put AJ down. She toddled around excitedly.
"I just wish we had some little friends for AJ," Lana sighed. "It would be nice for her to play with other children her age."
"As Mother always said…" Archer interrupted. "Other children are overrated."
"I just don't want this to turn into a repeat of AJ's first birthday party," Lana pointed out.
"Oh yes…" Ray winced at the memory. "That was not a good party…"
"Okay, in the first place…We both agreed that what happened was not my fault!" Archer told her.
"No, but it was your mother's…" Lana growled. "And Cheryl's…And Krieger's…"
One year ago…Back at the old office…
"Happy Birthday to you…" Everyone back at the old office was celebrating in the bullpen. AJ was in a high chair gleefully looking at a tiny cake with interest. "Happy birthday to you…Happy Birthday dear AJ…"
Well almost everyone.
Cheryl was sitting at her desk eating ice cream covered with her groovy gummies and her face was covered in stickers. Mallory was nowhere to be seen. Until the final verse…
"Happy Birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy toooooooo yooooooooooooooooooou!" Mallory staggered out looking tipsy. She had a bottle of absinthe in her hand.
"Oh God Mother!" Archer shouted. "You promised you wouldn't drink any absinthe today!"
"I lied," Mallory shrugged. "I just needed a little something for this…this…"
"Brown baby bastard birthday bash," Cheryl spoke up laughing.
"CAROL!" Archer shouted.
"CHERYL!" Lana shouted.
"Seriously!" Pam snapped.
"Inappropes!" Ray glared at Cheryl.
"Can you be any more racist?" Pam snapped.
"What? How is that racist? She is brown!" Cheryl spoke up. "And a bastard."
"And you are gonna get a slappin' if you don't keep your mouth closed!" Ray threatened.
"Tease!" Cheryl snorted as she ate some more groovy bears.
"Keep it up Dumb-Ass-Demona…" Lana growled.
"Unless you want to be strangled by Othello Kane," Ray added.
"Again…Tease!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.
"Brown baby bastard birthday bash," Mallory slurred. "Try to say that five times fast. Brown baby bastard birthday bash. Brown birthday bash bastard baby…Babba, babba, babba…"
"MOTHER!" Archer shouted.
"MALLORY!" Lana shouted.
"I don't wanna wear clothes!" Cheryl hiccupped as she started stripping.
"Cheryl put your damn clothes back on!" Ray snapped. "No one wants to see that!"
"Well let's not be too hasty," Archer said.
"Yeah I don't have a problem with that," Pam agreed.
"It's not like we haven't seen it before," Cyril agreed as Cheryl stripped naked and started to skip around.
"Well my parents haven't!" Lana snapped.
"Oh please! They're practically nudists themselves!" Archer shrugged.
"Wow I have to remember that chemical combination," Krieger remarked. He was filming everything with a video camera. "I thought I made that batch extra strong."
"Krieger did you make this ice cream too?" Ray realized.
Pam took a lick of what Cheryl had. "Yeah he did…"
"Did you make those orange martini creamsicles in the fridge? Because those were tight!" Mallory snorted.
"You had some of my Clockwork Orange Dreamsicles?" Krieger asked. "Those haven't been tested yet."
"Well they're being tested now," Ray groaned as Mallory giggled and Cheryl kept dancing around naked.
"Krieger turn off the damn camera!" Lana ordered.
"Why?" Krieger kept filming Cheryl dancing around. "It's just getting good!"
"There's always one person that has to get naked way too early at a party," Ray groaned.
"Oh wazzz thisss?" Mallory slurred as she staggered to AJ. "Is that a cake? I see you're all contributing to the childhood obesity problem…Great she'll fit in perfectly with the rest of America…"
"Seriously Mallory?" Lana fumed.
"Don't worry little AJ…" Mallory took the cake and AJ started to cry. "Grandmother Archer will buy you a subscription to Weight Watchers."
Mallory seemed to stumble for a second but caught herself. "Still got it…" She smirked.
Just then Cheryl skipped by and smashed the cake into Mallory's face. "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" She laughed before running away.
"No…I'VE GONE BLIND!" Mallory screamed. "And moist…"
"I so can't send my parents this video…" Lana groaned.
Fast forward to a year later at the new office…
"So I don't want your mother or Cheryl, or anyone else ruining this one!" Lana said. "My parents are still upset with me for not sending them a video of AJ's first birthday."
"Although I see their point I have to admit you made a pretty good judgement call there," Archer admitted. "I can see how a video full of racial slurs, threats, nudity, intoxication and Mother making an ass of herself would cause them to worry."
"Not to mention social services," Pam added.
"I also may have blamed you for wrecking the video camera," Lana coughed.
"That explains the angry e-mail I got from your father," Archer groaned.
"Oh good! The party hasn't started yet!" Krieger walked in grinning.
"No, but we might as well get it started," Archer shrugged.
"But your mother and Cyril aren't here," Ray pointed out. Archer gave him a look. "I see your point."
"Speaking of points I'm going to give AJ my gift!" Krieger grinned. "What do little girls want more than anything in the world?"
"Little boys?" Pam quipped.
"No! Think magical!" Krieger told her.
"A wizard with a strap on?" Pam asked.
"I'm going for unicorns Pam!" Krieger said exasperated.
"A pony with a strap on," Pam gave him a look. "You realize that's basically what I said before!"
"Not really," Ray groaned.
"You made a unicorn?" Archer did a double take.
"I wish," Krieger groaned. "But I came pretty close."
"What do you mean by…?" Ray asked. Then he saw. "Oh dear God…"
A large white pig with a gold horn trotted into the room squealing. "Dear Lord just when I think I have seen it all…" Ray groaned.
"Krieger as much as I appreciate the sentiment…Whatever it is," Lana groaned. "That's not a unicorn!"
"Hey! It has four legs, a horn and isn't radioactive!" Krieger protested. "It's close enough!"
"So what do you call that?" Archer asked. "A Uni-Pig or a Pigicorn?"
"I call her Lady Pigalmathea," Krieger said.
"Please tell me she doesn't bite," Lana groaned.
"Well she is just probably starting to get her teeth in," Krieger said. "I mean as a baby she's still using her mouth to explore the world around her."
"I was talking about the pig, not AJ!" Lana barked.
"Oh," Krieger blinked. "That makes more sense."
"Scary what you think makes sense," Ray groaned.
"But wait there's more!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"Of course there is," Lana groaned.
"What little girl's birthday party is complete without a real princess!" Krieger made a flourish. Nothing happened. "Mitsuko! Princess Mitsuko! That's your cue!"
"Sorry!" Mitsuko floated in. In addition to her usual skimpy outfit she had a gold tiara on. "I am Princess Mitsuko! Here to wish the birthday girl many, many happy, happy days! Wheee!"
Lana groaned. "And of course no child's birthday party would be complete without a provocatively dressed anime character!"
"She's a princess," Krieger pointed. "I put a tiara on her."
AJ squealed with glee as Mitsuko floated around. "Well at least AJ likes her," Pam pointed out.
"As long as she's happy…" Archer sighed. He did a double take at the table behind him. "Ray where did you get the ice cream? Oh no…Krieger you promised you wouldn't make any ice cream this time!"
"I didn't!" Krieger protested.
"He didn't," Ray said. "Those are regular ice creams."
"And the gummy bears?" Archer asked. "No wait, I don't see any gummy bears!"
"I hid those in Cyril's office," Ray whispered to Archer while Cheryl was playing with helium. "I didn't want to take any chances."
"Good call…" Archer admitted. He watched AJ happily toddle around, amused at Mitsuko's antics and the Uni-Pig. "Wait won't that horn put AJ's eye out?"
"I'm more concerned about it making a mess all over the place," Ray frowned. "Trust me on this one."
"Yeah we all remember Little Hamlet," Archer groaned.
"Relax, Lady P is completely housebroken and gentle," Krieger said as he took out a video camera and started filming.
"Hey we can do something else to have fun!" Cheryl spoke up. The helium was wearing off so she sounded somewhat normal. "I got a game!"
"Is it Where's the Glue?" Archer remarked as Cheryl got something out. "Because honestly Carol…"
"No! I got a party game at the party store!" Cheryl set it up on the wall. "Pin the Tail on the Donkey."
"AJ is too young to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey," Lana protested.
"I know that!" Cheryl snorted as she finished putting it up. "I got it so we can play!"
Everyone did a double take at what was on the wall. "Couple things…" Lana groaned.
"What did I do now?" Cheryl blinked.
"Cheryl that's not a Pin the Tail on the Donkey game!" Ray shouted. "What is wrong with you?"
"What? I found it at the party store!" Cheryl said.
"From the looks of it, the bachelorette aisle!" Archer shouted.
"How do you know that?" Cheryl blinked.
"Cheryl that is very clearly not a donkey!" Archer shouted. "That is a naked man!"
"And that is definitely not a tail!" Ray snapped.
"Trust Ray on this one," Archer said. "He would know."
"Oh…Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "Well I liked this one better. It's a Pin The Dick On Don Game!"
"Normally Cheryl I wouldn't complain about such an interesting game choice," Ray groaned. "But even I think that's too much for a child's birthday party!"
"This is already turning out to be a real memorable event," Lana groaned. "Much like all our other parties! Krieger stop filming what's on the wall!"
"Right! I should be focused on the birthday girl," Krieger admitted. "Aww she loves Lady P!" AJ was happily petting the creature.
"Yeah…" Archer remarked. "And Lady P loves that table cloth…"
"No! No! Lady P! Don't eat the tablecloth!" Krieger ordered. Lady P ignored him and was munching on the table cloth on one of the tables.
"Yeah save some for the rest of us!" Cheryl said.
"Some party this is. So far at AJ's second birthday we have a mutant pig, sexually suggestive holograms, and inappropriate party games," Lana groaned. "Maybe it's just as well there aren't any other children here?"
"Unfortunately that's not the worst that will happen," Ray sighed.
"What do you mean?" Lana asked.
"Wait for it…" Ray sighed.
"Wait for what?" Lana blinked.
"It'll come to you," Ray told her.
"Is that an example of phrasing?" Archer asked.
"Archer we have a…" Cyril walked in. "Is that a pig with a horn on its head?"
"Yes," Archer said. He looked at Ray. "Is this what you were talking about?" He pointed to Cyril.
"No," Ray sighed.
"All right!" Mallory staggered in. "Let's get this bastard birthday on the road!"
"That's what I was talking about!" Ray groaned.
"I should have known!" Archer groaned.
"Why is it whenever I want Mallory to be sober, she never is?" Lana groaned.
"I don't think Mallory Archer has ever been sober in all the time I've known her," Ray pointed out as Mallory danced around. "But she does seem a bit more soused than usual."
"This is great! Just great!" Mallory hiccupped. "Yes everyone! I am here! The wonderful Mallory Archer is here! I know you all love me! Me! Meeee…"
"Ugh…" Lana groaned.
"And here comes the entertainment," Pam smirked.
"All right!" Mallory slurred. "A Pin the Dick on Don game! Now this is a party! Oh my god! Is that a unicorn!"
"I've heard of being out of character but this is ridiculous," Cheryl blinked.
"Actually this reminds me of a few other holidays I've spent with her so…" Archer sighed. "Holidays I've tried to suppress for years…"
"Here little unicorn!" Mallory hiccupped. "You belong in the Enchanted Grotto! Come on! Come on little unicorn!"
"Even for her this is bad," Ray admitted as Mallory staggered after Lady P.
"Unicorns only go to virgins Ms. Archer!" Cheryl called out. "Which explains why it's running away so fast from you!"
"Come back! Come back little unicorn!" Mallory hiccupped as she chased the pig around. AJ laughed with glee.
"How did Mother get so wasted so fast?" Archer asked.
"She found a bottle of absinth and went for it!" Cyril said. "I couldn't stop her!"
"Yeah but a bottle shouldn't hit her this hard this fast," Archer blinked. "How did that happen?"
"Uh…" Cyril paused.
Let's see what really happened shall we?
"And another year has passed," Mallory sighed as she took a hard drink of absinthe in Cyril's office. "Another year of celebrating Sterling's…Well actually Sterling had very little to do with this. More like Lana's Choice!"
"Some choice," Cyril grumbled as he looked though his cabinets and desk. "Did you have to take my scotch too?" There were some bottles of half full alcohol on his desk.
"I needed it to get through this quote party unquote," Mallory grumbled. "Some party. A bunch of grown adults gushing over a toddler stuffing her face."
"What's this blender doing plugged in on my desk?" Cyril asked as he pointed.
"I needed it to make a scotch smoothie," Mallory admitted. "It's a pretty interesting taste scotch with…Well more scotch and little bit of absinthe."
"Wonderful," Cyril groaned.
"I remember when I used to go to real parties," Mallory grumbled. "Those were fun! Those were wild! I rubbed shoulders with the crème de la crème! And a few other body parts if you get my drift."
"Ms. Archer you promised to be sober for AJ's birthday this time!" Cyril snapped.
"I'm fine! I just need for this buzz to stabilize and I'll be fine," Mallory waved. "Besides what do you care? I would think you would be the last person to want to go to this party!"
"Why do you say that?"
"Oh come on Cyril? Who are you kidding?" Mallory snorted with laughter. "It's not exactly a secret that you still have the hots for Lana. And you're mad with jealousy at Sterling for him being the father of Lana's loins and not you!"
"Well I wouldn't go that far…" Cyril was a bit uncomfortable.
"It must be killing you," Mallory went on. "Watching the happy family. Every day. Day in and day out. Having what you wanted but you don't have because you made one stupid screw up? Granted it was a big one but still Sterling made the same screw up and he got a pass!"
"Well I…." Cyril was getting very uncomfortable.
"Once again Sterling gets everything and you get nothing," Mallory twisted the knife. Then took a drink. "Because you're an idiot. And you just let it happen because you are a weak and timid excuse for a man."
Then he saw them in his desk drawer.
"Cheryl's groovy gummies," Cyril whispered to himself.
Then the idea hit him. A very bad, evil horrible idea.
"Let me make you something…" Cyril said as he grabbed some gummies and threw them in the blender. Then poured some different kinds of alcohol into the blender. Then blended the concoction up until it was smooth.
Mallory didn't notice. She was too busy drinking. "I mean seriously. It must really be killing you that Lana chose Sterling over you! She thought he was the better man! Better than you…"
"Here have another drink," Cyril said smoothly as he handed Mallory the drugged up glass. "It will relax you."
"I doubt it," Mallory grumbled as she drank it. "Ooh…Cyril…I don't know what kind of drink this is but it has a nice kick."
"Oh it's just an old family recipe," Cyril lied smoothly. "Called a Figgis Screwdriver. Like a regular screwdriver only without the annoying orange juice."
"Well I'll be damned," Mallory took another drink. "You can do something right. Will wonders never cease?"
Mallory took another drink. "A little chewy but still better than I expected. This is actually pretty damn good." She downed the rest in one sip.
"Let me make you another," Cyril had an evil look in his eye that Mallory completely missed. "Or two. Or four…"
Back to the party…
"I have no idea," Cyril protested his fake innocence. "She was drinking a lot and insisted that I make her a screwdriver."
"Odd. She doesn't like the orange juice in those," Archer frowned. "But this is Mother so it's not like you had a choice."
"No, I didn't," Cyril sighed. "She was very insistent."
"She always is…" Archer grumbled. "Mother! Stop chasing the pig! Mother! Mother!" He went after her.
"Enjoy the Screw You Drivers bitches…" Cyril chuckled to himself.
"Mother no!" Archer shouted as Mallory accidentally knocked over a few presents.
Then she tripped and caught the tablecloth of the table that had the food. Before anyone knew it all the food was on the floor. And Mallory was face down with cake on her head.
"I'm down! Mallory's…down…" Mallory moaned before she passed out.
AJ started to cry. While Lady P started to eat the cake on Mallory's head. "Well now it's a party," Cheryl giggled.
"It's kind of like a reverse Fourth of Ju-Luau," Pam remarked. "You know? The pig is still alive and is molesting Ms. Archer?"
"Oh Mallory!" Cyril said in fake horror. "You've ruined AJ's birthday party! How could you?"
"I'd like to point out this time my pig is the well behaved one!" Krieger spoke up ask he kept filming.
"Krieger stop taping…" Lana groaned as she picked AJ up. "I can't send my parents this!"
"I have an idea," Ray said as he got out a digital camera. "Cyril go get another cake from the store."
Sometime later…
"I can't believe Lana let that idiot boyfriend of hers break the camera again!" Claudette Kane grumbled.
"At least this time she sent us pictures," Lemuel Kane grumbled as he looked at the pictures. "What's with the pig with the horn on it?"
"Were they…Trying to make a unicorn by sticking a fake horn on it?" Claudette frowned as she looked at them.
"Knowing that idiot Archer, he probably was!" Lemuel groaned.