Disclaimer: I don't own tamora pierce. I don't own alias. I don't own captain obvious… I don't own the CIA, and I don't own joey's pizza. I certainly do not own the letters a through z, or commas, periods, exclamation points, question marks, quotation marks, dashes, semi-colons, asterisks, spaces, or any other forms of grammar that I missed. Face it. I own nothing but, um, my mind. Oh wait, no, Duke Roger owns that. I sold it to him for 3 dollars yesterday. So I guess I own 3 dollars.
Thom Among the Pages!
The man at his desk waited patiently for his children to finish. Since this man is of little importance, we will continue to refer to him as 'the man' or 'the man at his desk'. Moving on. So the man is waiting for his children to finish. Stupid little twins, they were. Like he was really listening to a word they had to say! He needed to get back to his books. Contrary to everyone's suspicions, the man is not an obsessed scholar. He is a secret agent working on decoding stuff for the CIA… I mean, the Lord Provost. Whatever the heck that is.
Okay. So.
"…and I want to be a knight and do great deeds and save people while at the same time kill people!" said Alanna.
"…and I want to be a sorcerer and bring evil guys back from the dead for plot development!" said Thom.
"…and we can switch places, father! No one will ever know, except you and the few other people we tell. I mean, we look alike and stuff 'cause we are twins," remarked Captain Obvious, otherwise known as Thom.
The man sighed and began his rebuttal. "Actually, I-"
"Ting-a-ling-a-ling ting-a-ling-a-LING!" rang the beeper/cell phone they use on the show Alias because the phone company is their sponsor.
The man looked at the screen of the beeper and sighed again. "It's the bank… I mean, it's the guy who gives me rare and valuable scrolls. Anyways, I'm sorry, dear children. Your idea for switching places is stupid beyond reason, as is your idea to tell me. If you hadn't said anything, Alanna here would've saved the world and Thom would've died because of his own stupid experiment. Now leave. That is my decision."
Before the twins could reply, the phone rang again, this time in the house. The man picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Joey's Pizza!"
"Sorry, wrong number."
"Who was it?" asked Thom curiously.
"Wrong number," said the man at his desk and Alanna simultaneously.
Thom and Alanna suddenly remembered that their plan had failed. Glaring at the authoress- Hey! If you guys weren't stupid enough to tell him your plan you would've gotten what you wanted! I'm just using your mistake as an excuse to write this- ..Glaring at their father, they stomped out of the room.
The following day, Thom rode for Corus with Coram and Alanna rode for the City of the Gods with Maude. But that's not really important. Let's skip it and go to… arriving at the capital.
Thom looked around glumly. There was so much to see here, but he didn't care. He was too busy pouting about the fact that Coram had refused to buy him a pizza.
"I want a pizza!" Thom had exclaimed when they passed the pizza parlor known as Joey's Pizza.
"Too bad," grumbled Coram. Coram likes to grumble, so get used to it.
Oh, it stung Thom's heart that Coram had not bought him a pizza. Instead, Thom conjured a pizza using his useful Gift and ate it up. It tasted stale, so Thom decided to use his Gift on Coram to warm it up and make it ready to make a pizza.
Coram was busy complaining in his head when all of the sudden Thom appeared in front of him. "How…" began Coram, when all the sudden he realized he was surrounded by Thoms on all sides. I pity him. All of the Thoms were asking for pizza.
It was too much for the old soldier to bear. Crying out to all the gods he knew, he burst through the crowd of Thoms and rode fast for the palace, Thom's laughter ringing in his ears.
Thom was catching up to Coram when George appeared beside him. "Hullo," said George. "Might you be a girl disguising yourself as a boy?
"No, I'm quite sorry," was Thom's reply. "That would be my sister. She's supposed to be here, but this crappy authoress screwed up the story to get some reviews."
Hey! I exclaimed.
"Oh," George remarked sadly. "Ah well, then. I'll talk to you later." He vanished into the crowd.
At the palace, Coram glared death glares at Thom and led him into Duke Gareth's office. Normally Thom was too proud, but now he was too scared. His fun from earlier had vanished and was replaced by true terror. Thom was a coward. He had no idea whatsoever as to how to be a knight, or a knight-in-training.
Duke Gareth looked at Thom over his stacks of books and reports. Coram bowed to the Duke and signaled Thom to do the same. Instead of signaling Thom, however, Coram's elbow in Thom's ribs caused Thom to fall head over heals on to Duke Gareth's desk. The importantly organized papers went everywhere. Coram buried his head in his hands. Duke Gareth looked with measured patience down at Thom.
"Thom of Trebond, is it? I have not even spoken one word with you-"
"Yes you have. You've spoken precisely 2 quotation marks, one dash, one comma, one question mark, and 14 words with me. Oh, and 13 spaces. Sir."
"Pert little brat!" The Duke and Coram spat at the same time. "Out of my presence!" Gareth commanded. "Now!"
Thom sighed at left the room. People these days did not appreciate perfectionists, nerds, or smart-alecs anymore. It was all too much for one little nerdy boy to take in.
Coram had remained in the Duke's office, fuming. Thom decided to find his room. Not a good idea. Thom was quickly and not surprisingly lost. Kind of. He came to a halt a few doors down from his room, seeing a boy in front of him. "Excuse me? Could you tell me where my room is?" asked Thom, apparently not noticing his name-plate on the nearby door or the fact that the bigger boy was about to push him against the wall.
The bigger boy pushed him against the wall. Thom yelped. "Ow!" he said angrily. "You pushed me! That's not very nice!"
The boy began to laugh.
"Nothing around here is funny," Thom lectured him seriously. "It's not proper to push a fellow against the wall. You should be ashamed."
The few other boys that had gathered around them joined the bigger boy in fits of laughter. Suddenly, a mysteriously obvious figure and his 4 companions came down the hall, and everyone stopped laughing.
"What?" demanded Thom. "What's so funny about following the rules perfectly all the time?"
The new boy, who had jet black hair and impossibly blue eyes, nodded to everyone else and then fell to the floor, giggling. Everyone else, with the exception of Thom, joined him.
"What… giggle… happened… giggle…"
Ralon, the bigger boy, answered sarcastically. "Highness, this nerd here lectured be on how pushing is not nice!" He burst into a fresh set of hysterical laughter.
Gary and Raoul glared at Ralon in between their hysteria. "Maybe he's right, although he is a huge nerd," Gary said thoughtfully to Raoul. "Yeah," agreed Raoul. "We don't like you, either, Ralon, so we'll just have to agree with the nerdy new kid."
Ralon glared, and then gulped when Raoul rose to his feet.
Jonathon, helpless with laughter, motioned for Francis and Alex to help Thom up and signaled Gary and Raoul to clear everyone else away and get rid of Ralon. They all happily obliged.
"What's your name, nerd?" asked Alex.
"Thom," answered Thom stupidly.
"Cool," said Jonathon. "You can hang out with us as long as you try to act cool instead of nerdy."
"Um," said Thom.
"Um," said Gary, watching Raoul beat up Ralon.
"Um," began Jonathon, "Gary will sponsor you."
"I will!" complained Gary. "Damn! Why do I have to stick with the nerd?"
Thom looked at all of them, perplexed. What nerd where they talking about? Thom decided that he would have to find out.
end chapter 1! yay!