A/N: This was written for the Artina Fic-a-thon for Kleenex Cow. The prompt was "He knows they're all supposed to be a team on this, but Artie's new plan for having a high enough sexual promiscuity quotient to get on the Glist has nothing to do with Kurt or Mercedes (circa Bad Reputation)" Here's my take. Hope you like it!
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN LEAVE IT TO BEAVER… I'M JUST NOT THAT OLD, YET. I ALSO DO NOT OWN GLEE. IF I DID, THE MOST VALUABLE THING IN MY APARTMENT WOULD NOT BE CHEMISTRY BOOKS, AND I WOULDN'T BE WRITING FANFICS.
Artie Abrams looks at himself in the mirror, and wonders how he's gotten himself into this mess. He's the only person in the boy's locker room changing into hammer pants, the only guy in the school in the awful things. Artie has had the mental debate many times about whether or not Kurt Hummel counts as a guy. On the one hand, there was that time when Mr. Shue made the whole club do boys verses girls mash ups, and they'd all gotten hopped up on Vitamin D. Kurt was less than modest when he changed, and Artie had accidently seen his outline. It isn't Artie's fault that he's at crotch level for most people… and Finn Hudson's knees. On the other, Kurt actually knows designer labels better than may girls Artie knows. And he has an at home facial dermabrasion kit. Artie knows because he heard Kurt bragging about it to Mercedes. What kind of guy needs to exfoliate?
Whether or not Kurt is a guy does not dampen Artie's hatred of the stupid pants. They were hard to put on. And, he doubts they will do anything to make the glist. Artie loves Kurt and Mercedes in the way one loves their slightly insane, but still wonderful cousins, (Glee puts the fun in dysfunctional family.) but that doesn't mean he thinks that singing in the library will gain him entry into that exclusive club of nine, ranked on the Glist. It's a measure of sexual promiscuity, not the ability to find ridiculous costumes at a moment's notice. Artie has his own plans to make the Glist, and they don't involve Kurt, Mercedes, or Brittany. They also don't involve hammer pants. Actually, they don't involve pants at all.
Tina Cohen-Chang is focused on the steps she and Brittany carefully worked out during Spanish. Tina normally is a good student in Spanish. She sometimes confuses the use of ser and estar, preterite and imperfect, and albóndiga, abrigo, and abogado, but she does okay. She probably should pay attention today. On next week's test, she will accidently tell Mr. Shue that her mother is a meatball who wears lawyers.
She feels like someone else, dressed in the baggy pants and jacket Kurt produced from practically nowhere during lunch. This other girl doesn't care what anyone else thinks, except maybe a cute guy with blue eyes and a shy smile. Even then, she does what she wants, whether or not he approves. She's a strong, empowered woman, and totally comfortable in her body.
As Tina pushes him out of the library, Artie works on finding the courage to ask her to come home with him. Its not that this is a strange or radical event. They often go home together after Glee for a bit to study or hang out.
They don't normally go into his room, and shut the door. There are a few reasons for this. First, Tina's parents are big sticklers for keeping the family rooms and the public area separate. Artie has never actually seen the upstairs of the Cohen-Chang house. His parents have no such prohibition, but Tina seems to have inherited her parents need for keep the bedroom private. Artie also feels the need for privacy, partially because he sometimes forgets to shut his bathroom door. There is nothing romantic about any teenage boy's bathroom… except maybe Kurt Hummels. (This is yet another reason why Artie question's Kurt's guy-ness). The slightly clinical nature of Artie's bathroom does not help its case.
Secondly, there's the fact that his word vomit to Tina. Sometimes, when he's alone, he hears the words, true as they are, echoing through his head.
Third is sex. Artie doesn't want to do the nasty… its just too messy. Between Quinn's baby drama and his college age cousin's stories, Artie knows he isn't ready. That doesn't mean he's a total prude, he just doesn't want to do anything that might hurt his relationship with Tina … or you know, result in spawn.
Forth, there's his family. His parents will disapprove in their quiet way. He'll get another awkward sex talk from his dad. His mom will disappear deeper into the fantasy world that has helped her cope since the accident. The one where she is June Cleaver and he wasn't injured… he's just naturally really short. His thirteen-year-old sister, Bex, is too curious for her own good.
Fifth are Tina's parents. Most specifically her dad. Artie isn't sure how he feels about his new relationship with Mr. Chang. The two have know each other since Artie's accident, Tina's father being the head of the physical therapy department at Lima General. He knows the full functionality of Artie's penis in all its gory details, having been involved with the medical evaluation. The only thing more embarrassing for Artie than going to a sex talk with his doctors when he was fourteen was having to face on of them as the father of his girlfriend. Awkward.
"Want to come over this afternoon?" Artie asks.
Tina smiles at her boyfriend, and leans down to speak into his ear. "Love to, but first we have to get out of these ridiculous outfits." She breathes so lightly that no one will hear. It tickles a little, and Artie thanks his the person in charge of such things that the boom box is covering his lap.
Kurt takes the boombox as the couple heads off toward the locker rooms to get back into their regular clothes. Artie gets his clothes from inside the gym, then smiles at Tina. "Help me?" He asks, lightly, his lap full of khakis and a white shirt.
Tina smiles. "Sure, where to?"
Artie directs Tina to the unisex handicap locker room. The door falls behind them with a thud. It seems like an invitation to Tina. They've already skipped one class, why not miss a few more. And, listening to Artie sing always makes her a little hot and wet.
During the last period of the day, Brittany tells Quinn about their little adventure in the library. Quinn smiles, encouragingly. She saw Kurt on the way to his Trig class just a little bit ago, and Mercedes stopped by her locker to ask how she was feeling. Of course, Brittany is in English. But… Artie is supposed to be in English, too, and there's no sign of him. Quinn hopes Sue Sylvester hasn't found him, and decided to punish him for the leak of her "Physical" video.
Quinn gets a bathroom pass from the teacher. Its surprisingly easy. Mrs. McHale, her teacher's wife, had twins last year. Quinn can't imagine carrying two babies. The little girl inside of her presses on her bladder enough as it is.
She wanders the halls, vaguely in the direction of the gym, locker room, and Coach Sylvester's office. No sign of Artie, his wheelchair, or blood on the walls lined with trophy cases filled with the massive cheerleading trophies. He's not near the boy's locker room or the gym either.
Now, the baby is doing a tap dance on Quinn's bladder. She has to pee, NOW. She goes to the handicapped locker room. No one uses it during seventh period. She knows, because she used it to change for Glee once, when she didn't want to risk the girl's bathroom was too crowded and she didn't want to risk Coach Sylvester's venom in the locker room.
"Damn!" Tina speaks the word into Artie's ear as the door creaks open. The one she's been exploring with her very artful tongue. Shivers are still running up and down his shirtless back. His dockers, and both shirts lay abandoned somewhere on the wooden bench.
Tina feels Artie's response, a gentle squeeze to her breasts. Through the thin fabric of her tank top, it feels like Artie is giving her a massage. He's sucked on them already, the sensation driving Tina wilder a million times more than him singing. And, every time Artie sings a solo, she feels herself get Happy. She's wearing her jeans, at least, but they're unbuttoned at the top button. Her bra lays with Artie' clothes.
Quinn pulls the door shut behind her as she leaves the little locker room. She practically runs to the girls bathroom. God, if she makes another Glist, Artie Abrams and Tina Cohen-Cheng are getting ranked right up there with Santana, Puck, Brittany, and herself.
A/N2, the Spanish: When I studied in Spain, we all got Spanish words confused. Both my best friend's roommate and I had trouble with the words for meatball (albóndiga),coat (abrigo), and lawyer (abogado) confused, leading to a confusion simillar to Tina's. The best, though, was the day my best friend got the words for nun (monja) and female monkey (mona) confused and spent half an hour telling her Senora that the monkeys in the convent at our school got any bikes left on campus after the students left.
Please R & R, P & TY.