A/N: Hello, my fellow Kingdom Hearts fans. I decided to translate my 10 year old KH fanfic into English (FINALLY) and yes, the theme is Christmas. I originally wrote this as a Christmas fanfic on a Finnish Kingdom Hearts forum and I couldn't wait until autumn to start releasing this. I want to keep publishing something now that my other fanfic for another fandom is on indefinite hiatus and I thought that translating and publishing this story would be the best thing to do. :)
I do not own these characters nor the locations they are in. Those belong to Square Enix and Walt Disney Interactive. I only own this stupid storyline. :D
Christmas In The World That Never Was
Chapter 1: Plans (I'm Going Crazy!)
The mighty leader Xemnas sat on a arm chair only suitable for his status in this organization. He looked at the other members – excluding Xigbar, who still hasn't appeared – who were sitting in their chairs that only represented members' weapons' colors. Of course, there were few others present in the conference room as well. They were keeping an eye on the Organization XIII to make sure they wouldn't make anything stupid. Their guests didn't sit anywhere. They stood on the sidelines.
Everyone was quiet; usually everyone was babbling nonsense and Xemnas had a hard time to make them listen to him – and he was supposed to be their leader for heaven's sake! Not even Demyx was playing with his... sitar, was it? Of course, the mighty leader was very glad about it because he secretly hated Demyx's music.
"Stop looking at me like that, Xemmy", Demyx finally said. "It's disturbing..."
Xemnas really hated that nickname. It was almost as bad as the other one Axel had come up with and even just thinking about them made him furious.
"How many times have I told you to not to use that nickname in the last eight years, Demyx?" he asked.
"Exactly 2,920 times", Xaldin said as he put his Hello Kitty pocket calculator back into his pocket.
"It's a great hobby for Xemnas", Larxene piped up. "And I truly love it when others suffer", she added, smiling.
"This madness has to end!" Xemnas interrupted as he shot a death glare towards Demyx, who had eventually started to play something on his sitar.
"Excuse me, but what was the subject of this meeting?" Zexion asked.
"It was Christmas", said Roxas from underneath the table. He was sitting on a stool that was so small that he couldn't look anyone straight into face nor could nobody sitting around the table see nothing else but a bit of his head.
"Christmas is stupid and we won't even get presents", Saïx told everyone.
"I bet we do", Axel said.
"Explain."
"Because we deserve it."
"Ask Lexaeus to be the Santa Claus then, Axel."
"He's way too quiet to be Santa!"
"Axel, coulda plz shut up, y'know?" Vexen said. "I was just about to figure out why we're so obsessed with Christmas."
Axel only snorted as a answer.
"I'm just gonna say at once that I'm not going to get the Christmas Tree", Zexion informed them.
Xemnas sighed, and laid his forehead against the table surface. "This isn't gonna work out... What have I done to deserve this?"
"I don't know but I have a perfect idea of what we could do", Vexen told everyone, grinning like a maniac.
"And what could that be, another one of your weird experiments in the basement, Vexen?" Larxene said.
"A Christmas Party", Vexen said.
"What, no!" Xemnas yelled. "You're supposed to be a scientist!"
"I think his idea is awesome", Axel said.
"Obviously the rest of your gang of criminals agrees?" Xemnas asked him in a mocking tone.
Zexion, Axel, Roxas – who's head only hit the edge of the table – and Demyx nodded.
"In that case you can make plans for the party then", Xemnas said, grinning. This stupid club was too easy to lure into doing something he wanted.
"What the hell?!" Axel said, looking livid.
"Of course, everyone else will help you. Although since I'm the leader, I don't need to do anything."
"By the way, when will my awesome silver chair be finished?" Roxas asked from underneath the table. "I don't want to stay here all the time. Your feet smell bad."
"Why don't you just stand up then, Roxas?" ased Luxord while going through his cards and then turned his attention to Marluxia. "Wanna play some poker, Marluxia?"
Marluxia looked at him suspiciously.
"Oh, c'mon!" Luxord said. "I promise I won't cheat like I did last time. You did lose all your money after all, right?"
"Exactly and I have no interest in losing the 50 munny that I stole from Zexion's wallet yesterday..."
"Oh, so it was you who did it", Zexion sighed. "My munny's not safe here anymore..."
"Ah, finally some peace", Xemnas said once he had ended the meeting in the conference room and was walking through the empty corridors of the castle the Organization XIII had built for themselves.
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Why did I agree on having a Christmas party here? Since when have we been celebrating Christmas?!" he murmured as he went. He noticed that the walls already had Christmas decorations on them. When had they been put on anyway?
"Also, why in the hell can't I open my door?!" he murmured when he reached the area where his room was located. Sadly, the door was stuck and didn't open. He was sure that this was Axel's and Roxas' doing. Those two were always doing pranks on everyone!
"I hope someone takes you two to a insane asylum and never lets you out...!" he said as he tried to open the door by force.
That was a mistake – the door flew out of its frame into Xemnas' room and the mighty leader himself crashed into the wall on the opposite side of the corridor with the door handle in his left hand.
"You miserable little...!" Xemnas shouted once he had gotten over the surprise.
"What are you shouting here for?" asked Xigbar, who was standing in the middle of the doorway. He was holding his gun.
"What are you doing here, Xigbar?" Xemnas asked.
"I'm not sure. I just somehow found myself in your room", he answered and stepped into the corridor. Xemnas was horrified at the sight of the messy room – also, there was nothing but a huge hole in the wall where the window was supposed to be located.
"I wish Vexen would lock down that damn closet where he keeps those explosives of his so that stupid group of Axel's wouldn't destroy my room!" Xemnas ranted on as he took a step away from the wall behind him. The wall had a pithole on it that was shaped exactly as Xemnas' profile was.
"What gang?" Xigbar asked. "Axel has a gang? Awesome. How do you join it?"
"How am I supposed to know? Go ask him!" Xemnas said as he entered the ruins of his room. Xigbar shrugged and walk away. As he went he cursed at few Dusks that had frightened him, followed by a sound of gunshots and his laugh.
"That guy has went crazy..." Xemnas murmured as he climbed into his bed – or mattress, which was pretty much the only thing that hadn't been destroyed yet – and snuggled closer to a pink heart shaped pillow. He fell asleep while sucking his right thumb.
When Xemnas stepped into the conference the next day, the first thing he saw was Naminé and Roxas talking to each other. There was nobody else present in the room. Xemnas closed the door so loudly that it scared the two youngsters to the point that they screamed for horror.
"What the hell?!" Roxas yelled, looking furious.
"Big Foot, you don't have enough status to talk with Naminé", Xemnas told him.
"And what's this status I have again?" Naminé asked. "I don't have a rank, Xemnas."
"I'm confused now", Roxas said.
"What I meant to say is that you need to stop taking bombs from Vexen's lab, kid", Xemnas said.
"Or what?"
"I will fire you", Xemnas said.
"Xemnas, why are you throwing threats at Roxas?" asked Xaldin, who had appeared out of nowhere. And before Xemnas could even answer him, other members of the Organization came in one by one.
"Xigbar asked me how to join Axel's gang. What's going on here?" Saïx greeted everyone as he sat down.
"I believe it's Christmas making him behave in a very disturbing way", Xaldin said.
"When did DiZ come here?" Roxas asked, pointing at the space behind Xemnas' chair.
"I just walked in. You're all blind because you didn't see me", DiZ answered, turned around and joined Naminé, who was sitting on a windowsill and drew something on a huge paper pad.
"Who the hell told Xigbar about my gang?!" yelled Axel from the corridor.
"I know I didn't", Demyx answered. "What about you, Zexion?"
"I don't talk about stuff like this with other people, Demyx", dark haired boy answered.
"What if it was Roxas then?"
"I doubt it."
Trio walked into the room and looked around, spotted Roxas – who was looking at Naminé like a lovesick puppy – and and walked to him.
"Roxas, would you like to tell us who was that idiot who told Xigbar about our gang?" Axel asked.
"Not me. Maybe it was Xaldin?" Roxas answered before returning to worship Naminé.
"I'm not even interested in anything you do", Xaldin said. "My bet is on Marluxia", he added while pointing at pink haired man who had just walked in.
"Marluxia, what the hell have you done...!" Axel began.
"Wait, what have I done again?" Marluxia asked, looking confused. He dodged Axel's attack that came his way. Redhead's chakraim went through the wall. They were all able to hear a feminine scream that followed it.
"Axel... It was nice knowing you", Roxas said.
"You think I'm scared of the Electric Shock Lady? Nonsense", Axel shrugged.
Larxene came into the room, but unlike Roxas had predicted, she didn't attack Axel. She just went to her chair and sat down. Soon after that Luxord, Xigbar and Lexaeus came in as well.
"Oh hell no", Axel said as he saw Xigbar's expression.
"Alright then!" Xemnas said and sat down to his chair. "Now that we're all here –"
The door to the conference room reopened and Sora, Kairi and Riku came in. All of them were wearing Christmas Elf hats and they were laughing. Luckily, they went quiet the moment they saw Xemnas' murderous glare and joined DiZ and Naminé. They took their memos out of their pockets and Xemnas could only regret that he had awoken that morning.
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted", Xemnas said and shot another glare towards the trio of friends. He then turned his attention back to the Organization. "Since you have already started to decorate the castle with Christmas decorations, we should just continue at it and get this over and done with."
"Who's gonna get the Tree?" Zexion asked at once.
"We'll decide that via lottery", Xemnas decided. "And our annoying guests will join this too."
"HELL YEAH!" Sora yelled.
I really, really hate this kid, Xemnas thought.
"Sora, shut the hell up", Riku said. "Christmas turns you into this annoying little kid."
"But it's Christmas, Riku!"
"I know, and I'm not gonna get the Tree."
"You're such a coward", Sora said grinning.
"I'm not gonna get a smelly tree. My fabulous hair gets ruined", Riku said.
"LE HAIR!?" Marluxia said. "Nobody cares about your ugly hair!"
"Oh hell", Larxene said, "Hair can't be the most important thing in your life, Marluxia."
"Could you all just shut up?!" Naminé yelled. "I can't concentrate!"
"You can decide the pairs then", Xemnas told her. Ha, this means I don't need to do anything. I can just sit here and –
"Are your brains on vacation, Xemnas?" DiZ interrupted the mighty leader.
"Oh hell, don't you dare to start critisizing, too", Xemnas sighed.
"Okay then", Naminé said. "Vexen, Demyx, Sora and Zexion can go get the tree –"
"I just said I don't want to go get the tree, woman!" Zexion protested.
"Deal with it, Zexion", Naminé said. "As for the presents, I'd say Larxene, Xaldin and Axel can go buy them for everyone. Make sure you keep your money away from Marluxia though. Also, since you'll probably have to carry a lot of stuff so Xigbar can join you as well."
"You're a cruel woman, Naminé!" Axel propested.
"And the rest of you will decorate the castle. Of course, that doesn't include me since I'm an artist under a influence of inspiration", Naminé said, ignoring Axel completely.
"How can you be so cruel?" Axel asked.
"Ask Roxas."
"Roxas?"
"I'm not telling you anything because she'll erase me from existence somehow", Roxas said.
"Shut up and move!" Xemnas told them. "We don't have much time and nobody's interested in your discussion!"
"Fine, fine. Don't be so overly stressed over this, dude", Axel told him as he and others walked out of the room while Sora sung carols.
"I guess we should continue with decorations then", Xemnas said as the door to the conference room closed behind the group.
"I think we should clean up first", Riku said.
"But that's gonna take us the whole night", Luxord protested. "I can't play poker now."
"I'm not sorry about that", Xemnas told him. "Now, get to work, people!"
Everyone stood up from their chairs and walked out of the room. Xemnas turned around to face Naminé, who was now working on a painting in a trance.
"You need to clean up the place, too, Naminé", he told her.
"But I said I'm not going to do anything", Naminé answered as she used red paint so fiercely that it splashed on walls and on the floor as well. And she didn't care.
"You're gonna do exactly what I tell you if you're gonna be invited to the party, Naminé!"
"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see then", Naminé said, grabbed the painting with her and walked out of the conference room looking pissed. Xemnas noticed the trail of paint following her and groaned. It's gonna take forever for them to clean up the carpet in the room.
"How am I supposed survive this madness?" Xemnas murmured.
A/N: Here's chapter one. Next one will be written in Xigbar's point of view and will be posted later this week. Hopefully. :D
Also, I have to tell you that Xion nor the characters from Birth By Sleep aren't going to make an appearance in this story because this was written years before 358/2 Days and Birth By Sleep were released. But if I write more of these parody stories, these characters will definitely be used. :)