Characters / Pairings : Uzune Hitori and Kazuaki Nanaki. One-sided Hitori x Nanaki

Rated : T

Genre : Angst, Drama

Warning : Suicidal thoughts, Holiday Star spoiler, hints of BL

Disclaimer : I do not own Hatoful Boyfriend nor the characters. Moa is the rightful owner of this awesome game and characters.

Notes : This is a gift for marty-mcstrider . Yup yup, I got you for as my secret Legumentine~ I hope you like this and I'm terribly sorry if they are too OOC or if they have some grammatical errors orz. I haven't written a fanfic for years XD I hope you enjoy reading them~

Why did I even born to this world? For what purpose? Maybe the gods were just that cruel to let some birds to live such a sad sad life like me, to be hated by others, to fail at everything. My uselessness might be one of the factors to make this world kept on going. Ah, that would be impossible. The world only needed me to be a bird that could be laughed at when they were going out, to be mocked. I hated how useless I was. I hated myself. I just wanted to disappear.

"Your plumage is so nice. It's bright and cheerful, unlike mine." It was the first time somebirdie said something nice to me, to compliment me.

"S… Sorry?"

"Ah, sorry, I should have introduced myself. My name is Hitori. Uzune Hitori." he smiled so brightly and so kindly. "Your face looks troubled, are you alright?"

Could it be just a mask? Why would anybirdie be kind to me? Was this some kind of sick joke? Maybe he didn't know who I was or maybe he did. "I… I'm fine." I wasn't. I remembered I eyed him suspiciously.

"I see. Do you live here…" His words were left hanging. He expected me to tell him my name. If one bothered to know somebirdie's name, then they actually wanted to know you better, right? To be… Friends?

"Nanaki Kazuaki. And… Yes." I spoke slowly. I wanted to at least give a friendly smile but only incoherent stutters and visible trembles came from my body when I tried to do that. Maybe I hadn't been smiling for a long time. Or could it possibly be that I was like that the whole time? Must be the latter. At that moment, I really just wanted to fly away but because it would be very rude then he would probably unite with the world to hate me. So I prayed that a hole just appeared under me and swallowed me.

I expected an insult, a mocking laugh, a sarcastic comment, but nothing of that sort happened. He was laughing, yes, but he seemed to be amused. "Well, nice to meet you, Kazuaki." he smiled.

That was how I met Hitori for the first time. The gods showed their kindness to me. Hitori was an angel they sent to me. A bird who was just the exact opposite of me, who was better than me in any way possible. A smart and nice cheerful bird who wanted to befriend me, a miserable useless quail. If he wasn't an angel sent by the gods, I didn't know what else to call him.

"I want to die, Hitori. I can't take it anymore." I finally said that to him one evening. He looked at me from behind his book. He wasn't surprised. He just smiled softly there.

"And why would you say that, Kazuaki?" he asked. His tone was as nice as usual, almost motherly if I must say.

"I'm sick of doing anything. I am useless. I am just a piece of trash. Even if I worked hard, there won't be any significant result."

"Ssst… You don't need to say anything anymore, Kazuaki." Hitori approached me and hugged me softly, giving soft soothing pats on my back. "It must be hard for you. I know how it feels. It's painful." Even if his tone were as nice and friendly as usual, I couldn't help but notice that he sounded hurt too.

He was everything I could ask for. He understood me. He was always there for me, listened to me, and talked to me. He knew that the world was a horrible horrible place. He always looked sad and his eyes were distant whenever he talked about that. Why a bird as nice as him must know the cruelty of this world? The gods sure loved making sick jokes and enjoyed watching us suffer, didn't they?

He was my light. He was my guidance through this dark terrible world. He was my savior in some way. He had always have been my savior. He always helped me. He cooked us dinner sometimes. He taught me how to cook. He taught me how to live my life, how to live in this thorny world.

"Kazuaki? Are you alright?" He was obviously worried. It was just one of our usual meetings. This café was the place we usually meet besides my apartment. Hitori said he loved the tea made here and the way they made it here was special. I didn't like this place though. Too crowded. Too many birds.

"Th… They were laughing at me again. Some of them even p… point their fingers on me." Tears already welled up on my eyes. I hated the society but they hated me even more. I hated the way they looked at me, the way they whispered to each other or laughed every time I passed them. Why couldn't they just accept me? "I want to die." I found myself whispering that. "I want to die. I want to die. If I died, nobody will look at me like that, right? I hate their looks. I would probably better off dead."

I knew the other birds were already staring at me. Stop that. Please stop that. All of you were happy now, right? I would be dead so please stop staring at me. Stop stop stop. They didn't stare anymore but they were whispering to each other again. No no no. This was worse. Stop it. Please.

"I understand, Kazuaki. It's not your fault. Society is always telling us to do this and do that. It's like we are held at gunpoint. They won't accept anybirdie who didn't live up to their standards and rules. They hated birds like that the most. I hate it all too… Just like you, right?" He slightly touched my wing, gave it a comforting grip. He looked annoyed though. I could see his resentment in his eyes. I nodded softly. I always did. You always spoke the truth, you knew everything. You understood me and I understood you. Of course I would agree with you. Of course every word you spoke was true. He then offered me a sheet of tissue. "Maybe we shouldn't be meeting here after all. Let's go to your apartment, just like usual, alright?"

At some point, I realized that we were alone, the two of us, in this world. The time we had together was the warmest and the sweetest of my life. If only it would go on forever. If only I could be with him longer. If only I could spend every seconds of this pathetic life of mine with him…

Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Was I sick? These days my heart seemed to beat faster. My stomach seemed to act funny too, it made me a little nauseous actually. Maybe I got a terminal deathly disease? Death by sickness, I could die by that. Finally free from this terrible world. B… But what if I died painfully? What if I had to suffer for hours or even days before I finally took my last breath? No no no no. I didn't want to die like that. I knew the doctors hated me, laughed behind my back because I was such a weak bird. Should I tell Hitori? I didn't want to make him worry though. The thought of him feeling that for a bird like me was sad and unacceptable. He shouldn't worry about me. He musn't. "What beautiful stars, aren't they, Kazuaki?" he looked at me with a soft smile on his face. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Maybe I should really go to a doctor.

I panicked when the realization came, when I knew what was the reason behind the weird symptoms I had been dealing with lately. No no no no no. I couldn't feel this way toward Hitori! To my friend, to my only friend! I would start act very awkwardly, wouldn't I?! I felt sick. I was disgusted at myself because I had such feelings toward Hitori. I wanted to terminate this feeling but with each smile of his or his comforting understanding words or his calming and gentle touches, he just made me fell for him more and more, deeper and deeper to the point of no return. I wanted to convey this feeling to him.

What if he rejected me? What if he was disgusted with me? Or worse, what if he hated me just like any other birds out there, in this cruel cold world? I didn't want to lose the only bird that cared for me, my only friend. Why I must be so ungrateful? My love for him would be better off silent and unknown anyway. Care and kindness were already enough to make me happy. Besides, it wasn't like my love for him could repay everything he had given to me. My love didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve him.

These days, I found myself thinking, "If I were to be with Hitori just for this short period of my miserable life, even if it wouldn't last forever, being alive might not be such a bad idea. Not bad at all."