A/N: Uh... this was a very very odd idea that popped into my head a while back. Kind of more of a crack theory than anything else. I really can't believe I'm posting this...
Anyway, Gintama is Sorachi Hideaki's sandbox, Imma just playin' in it a little.
Sometimes you just don't want to know
by: Finite Sledgehammer
"We need to talk to you, Tsukuyo-san." Otae said the words very politely, but there was an edge of warning hidden behind them. She smiled sweetly up at the ninja, her hand held steady as she gestured to the unoccupied side of the booth.
Tsukuyo carefully sat opposite the other woman, casting a lazy glance at the purple haired ninja who angrily wrung her hands through her scarf, and the ever stoic Kyuubei who quietly sipped tea at Otae's side. Around them, the diner bustled with afternoon activity, but no one paid their corner any mind. "What's this about?"
"Normally no one has to say anything about this," Otae said cautiously, some of the warning giving way to a hint of uncertainty, "largely because... er... how should I put it..."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Sa-chan huffed, slamming her hand down on the table. "Gin-san would never cheat on me! Especially not with another kunoichi!"
Otae casually punched the ninja in the jaw. "I suppose I'll just have to be blunt." Her cheery tone of voice gave no evidence of her previous action. Sa-chan grumbled under her breath and placed her glass against her swiftly darkening bruise, and a napkin over her bleeding nose.
"Gintama is actually a harem comedy."
Tsukuyo blinked. "What?"
"But, you see, we don't particularly like harem comedies, so the joke is that Gin-san doesn't know it's a harem comedy because there's no evidence of it."
"I don't follow."
Otae frowned as Kyuubei cleared her throat.
"What Tae-san is trying to say..." She grimaced and blushed slightly, "is that we all have feelings of... um... great respect for Sakata-san, but to maintain the integrity of the show, none of us will make these feelings - of great respect - known."
"Very well put Kyu-chan!" Otae beamed happily at her companion."We also make sure any new female leads of an appropriate age are aware of this... lets call it a truce."
"What?" Tsukuyo felt her jaw drop.
"That's not true! Gin-san knows I love him!" Sa-chan shouted.
"But we all know he doesn't love you." Otae said evenly. "We don't know how he feels about me, or Kyu-chan, but Tsukuyo-san... let's just say there appears to be a mutual attraction."
Kyuubei nodded sagely.
Tsukuyo laughed nervously - it must have been her first nervous laugh in her entire life. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"We don't have to play any clips do we?" Otae said ominously.
Tsukuyo grimaced. Clips would be a very bad thing right now. "Well, uh... no need to worry about me," she saluted, "I don't really um... you know, like him like that."
"Oh good. Just so long as we're clear." Otae smiled. It wasn't a pleasant smile. "That's all we needed to talk to you about."
The other women stood in unison, prompting Tsukuyo to stand as well. Kyuubei paid the bill and they ambled casually out of the diner. Gintoki chose that moment to wander unwittingly around the corner.
"Oh! Hello, Gin-san! Are you working today?" Otae asked sweetly.
"Uh, on my way back from... something." He furrowed his brow, realizing suddenly who all he'd bumped into. "Uh... what'cha doin'?"
"Girls night out!" Otae beamed.
"That's um..." he shifted his weight into something that was almost a combat stance, eyeing the women warily. He must have a very good sense of danger... or was paranoid about too many of his female friends in the same place at the same time. While the former was certainly true, the latter seemed more likely in this case. "...unsettling."
"You can join us, if you wish, so long as you dress as Paako-chan." Otae laughed lightly, but manically. She just couldn't shake her demonic aura today, it seemed.
"Ah, that's okay. You all have fun." He took a step back. "But not too much fun." Then he turned tail and ran.
"That's our Gin-san." Otae purred ominously. Kyuubei and Sa-chan nodded slowly, a glazed over yet somehow sharply focused look to their dead, dead eyes. Overhead, a few autumn leaves tumbled past on an icy breeze and the cheery sun dimmed ever so slightly. Tsukuyo shuddered, suddenly wishing she hadn't been made a regular cast member.
END