A/N: Hayyyy. Tis Julz. I saw this is in a dream and I laughed at it…so I thought that you might laugh too! :D Totally random…don't even ask cuz I has a twisted mind… Kate also helped modify a few things…we made the last part up togethaaaa mwah!

Baseball Adventures (Bella's P.O.V.)

It's been about 5 months since Edward left me. I was running around the school parking lot, trying to avoid the kids poking my fat with sticks. Since I had no one to impress anymore, I stopped shaving my mustache, legs, and armpits, and I stopped bathing. I never exercised any more so I gained a lot of weight. I cut my hair into a crew cut so it wouldn't bother me anymore.

It was just after school and the kids poking me left to go home. I just sat in the middle of the parking lot plucking at the flowers that were growing out of the middle of the cement. The sky rumbled and I knew that a thunder and lightning storm was coming. A downpour started and I ran into the grass to play in the mud.

"Bella," the velvet voice in my head said.

"EDDIE!" I screamed out in my man voice.

"Bella, my man friend, return home. The storm will hurt you."

"NEVER!" and I jumped into my car, my fat jiggling in the process. I curled into a ball in the back of my truck and waited for the storm to stop. It didn't matter how long I was out; Charlie wouldn't miss me. But then I heard a crack. But it wasn't an ordinary thunderclap. No lightning followed it. It took 15 minutes for my slow mind to work out what it was.

"VAMPIRES!" I screamed to myself. With great difficulty, I climbed to the front seat and drove to the clearing.

I parked my car and waddled into the clearing. Just as I hoped, there were the Cullens playing baseball. And there was my Edward playing pitcher. I saw Emmett sniff the air and clutch his nose.

"OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL!? I ONLY KNOW IT FROM ONE PERSON AND THAT WAS-" and they all turned in my direction.

"Hey everyone!" I screamed at them. I ran, tripping every five steps, over to Edward. "Eddie!"

"OHMYGOD BELLA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE!?" He yelled at me. I giggled and kissed his eyebrows. I missed those… "That's it…this'll get rid of you for good!" he roared. He held me from the top of my greasy head and the bottom of my reeking feet and curved me into a ball. Jasper, who was at bat, screamed,

"YEAH! PERFECT TARGET, BRO!"

"What are you doing to me, Eddie?" And he threw me at Jasper. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I bellowed, still in my manly tone, fat jiggling in the process. Jasper hit me with the metal bat and I went hurtling up and over the mountains and into the forest in back of them. My spine was broken and I twitched on the forest ground. In a moment, the Cullens were all standing over me.

"What should we with it?"

"Change it?" Emmett mocked.

"Nah, she has disgusting blood. Plus, I don't wanna put up with her for the rest of eternity." Edward stated.

"Eddie!" I sobbed.

"Shut up you disgusting man rat!"

"Yes, my queen."

"Well, what do we do with it!?"

"Let's take it to the hospital. I'll fix her up!" Carlisle chirped.

"Then who'll claim her?"

"Charlie!"

"Nah, he threw her out of the house for being too manly. She lives in her truck now." Alice told everyone. I shrugged in agreement.

"Edward can claim her." Rosalie hissed.

"OMFG NO WAY!" Edward screamed and tackled Rosalie.

"Children…" Esme soothed and held out two lollipops.

"WOOT!" they hopped up and sucked on the lollipops happily. I sobbed.

"FORGET YOU GUYS!" I screamed at them, and I crawled into a knuckerhole, cracking my back a little bit in the process.

"No, Bella wait!" Edward sang.

"Eddie! You want me!"

"Erm…sure…now lay down in front of me." He ordered. I chuckled.

"Ooh, eddie…you want to take our relationship to the next level? And in front of your family!?"

"Oh God, no!" Edward sobbed. He pulled out a hand ball and started bouncing it off of my stomach.

"Ice cream, ice cream, cherries on top! How many girlfriends do I got?" My tummy swallowed up the handball. "none…" he said in a sharp tone. "You can leave now Bella." So I crawled back to my knuckerhole. Before I went in, I looked at Edward.

"Feel free to visit me in my knuckerhole soon…I'll be waiting to advance our relationship," I purred. I jumped into the knuckerhole. I eavesdropped on the conversation happening outside of the knuckerhole.

"Well Edward, you don't have any girlfriends but you've definitely got a boyfriend!" a squeaky voice called.

"Jakey!" Edward called. I heard a loud smooching sound and I heard the other Cullens run off.

"Hey baby," Jake replied. I poked my head out of the knuckerhole to see them. "Ugh, Bella is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo clingyyyy. It's making me jealous and it's making Winston maddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!" Jake patted his eyebrow to make it feel better, for Winston was growling.

"Oh honey poo, it's okay. We can kill her together!" I gasped in horror. I'm not ever coming out of knuckerhole.

"Wanna go to Candyland?!" Jake asked Edward.

"hmm…well, I'm like soooo bloated right now and I cannot take the extra carbs. So how's Wednesday for ya?"

"Wednesday's good! But there's something I wish to ask you…" Jake got down on one knee and pulled out a black velvet box.

"Edward Cullen, will you marry me?"

"ZOMG YES. LOL." Edward screamed. As I watched Edward and Jake frolic into the sunset, i felt my manly tears pour down my face.

"rawr." The grass told me.

Fin

A/N: Heyyyys. Once again, we do not support Jakeward, it just adds onto Bella's problems. Pleaseeeee reviewwwwwwwwwwww… we loves you!