Disclaimer: I have been informed by the Evil Queen herself that neither I nor anyone else "owns" her but rather that she owns everyone and everything and has allowed the creators of Once Upon a Time and people at ABC to call her and her subjects theirs.
A/N: 100000% crack. I made a post on tumblr about this silly idea and somehow people convinced me to write it so... yeah. Enjoy! Or don't. Reviews are appreciated.
The grip of the witch's magic is slowly choking the life out of her and she finds herself wondering how a simple lunch at the diner led to this. Zelena's smile is simply — well, wicked as the blonde struggles against her magic. She realizes now that perhaps declaring herself the Savior and therefore not an amateur for the second time may not have been the best decision she could have made when the woman now choking the life out of her made an entrance. But, well, she's always been the 'react first, think later' type. Most of the time it seems to work for her, but unfortunately there are other times where it doesn't. This may be one of the worst of those times yet, as she's pretty sure she's about to die. Which would be just wonderful considering she would be leaving her son an orphan, as she had been most of her life.
Well, perhaps that's not entirely true, he does still have Regina, even if he doesn't realize it. Perhaps dying would be worth it, simply for the opportunity of that conversation to take place. She can almost picture her son's face when he hears that yep, the mayor of this small town changed his diapers years ago, that she's his mother, too, as well as the Evil Queen whose sister, the Wicked Witch, was responsible for his birth mother's death.
No, actually, she's pretty sure she wants to be around to see that happen. Which is why she most definitely does not want to die. She really should have just called Regina the moment the witch walked in, but it's a bit late for that now, what with these magical restraints and the life being practically drained right out of her.
The front door bursts open then, the annoying little bell moving around frantically and practically screaming in the process.
"Get your hands off of my wife, Greenie!"
Oh, apparently she's luckier today than she thought she was. It turns out someone else took the initiative to call the (former?) Evil Queen. In a different situation, she may have been a bit irritated that someone else had taken to calling the mayor for an update, but considering the circumstances, she can't find it within her to feel anything other than relief. Especially since — wait, what? Did she just — did Regina just call her her wife?
The blonde's eyes snap wider than they already were, as impossible as that may seem, and she wonders if maybe the lack of oxygen is finally getting to her. That is, of course, until Zelena turns to her sister with a grin as the queen speaks again.
"You're going to kill her if you don't put her down this instant!" She crosses her arms across her chest and adds with a grumble, which she somehow manages to make look as regal as everything else she does, "We haven't even had our honeymoon yet. I mean really, how incredibly inconsiderate of you."
"Oh, I'm so very sorry Queen Queen, you're right, I should have realized." She loosens her magical grip on the Savior then, simply keeping her frozen in place instead before cackling at the queen's reaction to her new nickname.
"You think you're clever, do you, Green Green?" and the mayor smirks in victory as her sister scowls.
Zelena then points towards her sister but before any words can leave her lips, the blonde behind her, having caught her breath, makes herself heard "wait a minute, did you just call me your wife?!"
"Oh, yes, well..." the queen waves her hand in nonchalance, "I suppose I should have mentioned that sooner, but as you well know, all magic comes with a price."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Your new memories, dear. Your now-ruined happy ending." And she seems a bit disgruntled that her gift of a happy ending was, as she said, ruined, "We are bound in marriage because of it, that was the price."
"Wait, so you mean... but... how... I don't... We never said any vows... I mean... I jus—"
The queen then raises her hand in order to stop her babbling, "when I held your hand, you remember what I said, don't you? Those were our vows. We are married. I apologize for not mentioning it earlier, it slipped my mind."
"It slipped your mind? What the hell Regina! How does something like that —"
"As enjoyable as this little lover's spat happens to be," Zelena cuts her off, "I do believe there are more pressing matters at hand. Such as, where it is you've kept your —"
"More pressing matters? Excuse me!" the blonde spits out, "your jealousy is definitely not more important than me being apparently married!"
"There's that inflated sense of self-worth once again" Zelena adds dryly.
"It may have been useful to know when I was considering marrying —"
"A monkey," Zelena laughs. "Oh yes, dear, I know."
"Someone else." She clenches her teeth, "I was going to say someone else."
"Quite a wife you've chosen for yourself, sis." she says it in a teasing tone, and if they didn't know any better, the other people observing may have thought them to be ordinary siblings in that moment. But the people hiding behind tables cowering in fear (and yes, there's a stench, so at least one observer must have peed themselves) make it clear that these two are far from ordinary.
"Yes, well, she is the spawn of the two idiots. I knew when I married her."
"Hey!" three voices say it in unison, apparently the two idiots were there all along, meaning that Emma was not the only one insulted. Good.
"Oh, is that why you didn't give a shit about the lion tattoo?" Tinkerbell cuts in, "because you're married and gay?"
"Yes, dear." Regina grins at her fairy friend, "I only daytime drink with my Emma Bear." Robin seems to fall into a coughing fit at that, and Granny is quick to hit him on the back a few times. When the coughing subsides, however, her hand continues to linger, massaging instead. Robin says nothing, shocked into stillness.
"Emma Bear?" the blonde asks in disbelief, "Really?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, would you have preferred Emmapuss?" and she drags out the 's' sound.
The blonde's cheeks flush before she giggles — yes, giggles — and replies "yes, actually. Yes, I would, pookie."
"Pookie?" Regina's face contorts to an expression of clear disgust.
Emma bites her bottom lip and shrugs, the look from her wife is quite... frightening, so in a quiet voice she amends, "Gina?"
Regina nods then, as if to say 'much better' and the blonde grins at that. The brunette licks her lips in response, scanning the blonde's body with her eyes.
"Wait! Wait! This... this is crazy! I didn't sign up for this! I'm a sheriff! I can't afford a hot classy wife! You sign my paychecks! That is completely... we can't be married!"
Regina raises her brow then, giving her the look. She hasn't signed the blonde's paychecks in a year, and she's pretty sure Emma has done quite well for herself money-wise in that year. But really, if that's the only issue she has with being married to the Evil Queen, she can easily fix her wife's salary.
Zelena lunges towards the Savior suddenly, hand outstretched prepared to plunge into her chest when Regina flicks her wrist, freezing her in motion. "What do you think you're doing?"
The witch lets out an aggravated huff before saying "why, taking your wife's heart, of course."
"First of all, sis, my wife's heart is untouchable."
"She's right," Emma cuts in, "Cora tried, and oh boy did she ever fail."
Regina glares at her wife briefly before continuing, "Secondly, I no longer have time for your games. I believe it's about time my wife and I consummate our marriage."
A loud squeak is heard from the far end of the diner then, and yep, it's Snow. Her hands are clawing at her own face in horror as her husband attempts to calm her down. But at Regina's last words, even he is struggling to keep from squealing. The queen grins maliciously at the sight.
"I don't care what you have time for," Zelena retorts, "I—" and with a simple flick of the wrist, the witch is engulfed in purple smoke. When it dissipates, Zelena is nowhere in sight.
Regina flicks her wrist once more, removing the magic her sister had used on her wife. She then stretches her arm towards the blonde, making a 'come hither' motion with her finger. Emma grins before taking her wife's hand and pulling her into a kiss. Right there, in the middle of the diner, in front of a group of very confused citizens of small town Storybrooke, a burst of magic erupts as the two share their first kiss.
They pull apart breathlessly and through her panting breath Regina suggests "shall we take this somewhere more private, my dear Emmapuss?"
The blonde grins but before she can make her response, her mother's shrill voice penetrates the air.
"IT'S PORN!"
Regina chuckles, enjoying her former nemesis' response far too much, "I do believe that's the point, dear."
"Yeah, and I've seen this one thing that I'd really like to try where —" the blonde's words are cut short by a slender finger on her lips.
"Some things must be kept private, my dear wife. But yes, I have a few things that I myself would like to try." And she's scanning her wife again, unashamedly undressing her with her eyes.
"Oooh yeah!" Emma hoots, "the Savior's gonna get laid today."
Regina rolls her eyes and grabs her wife's arm then, "You're an idiot."
"Maybe, but I'm yours."
Regina suppresses a chuckle before adding "And take that ridiculous thing off of your head."
"You don't like my beanie?" she pouts, removing it slowly, "I have like fifty more in the car..."
"Why on earth would you need so many of those hideous things?"
"I was trying to hide the fact that I'm gay from my parents!"
"Oh, dear," she shakes her head, "you truly are an idiot."