I know, that I said to myself I won't do this anymore, but I couldn't help it. I would do everything for you and I still live with that burden of blame on my chest. I don't know, if I am ever going to forgive myself, that I left you when you needed me most.

So here I am, back in Arcadia in 2008. I am not sure how will I handle it. Coming back here has might been a very bad idea..

I told mom, that I can't move away with them right now. I stood up for you and for myself. For both of us.

Surprisingly, she understood that you need me right now more than anything. I won't fuck it up this time. I promise.

It's evening and the music coming from the stereo is aloud, because you don't want me to hear your heavy sobs. Seeing you like this is tearing my heart apart and giving me the worst goosebumps I have ever experienced. Until today, I never fully understood, how much pain you must have felt. But I see it now and I swear If I knew it in advance, I would have rather stabbed my eyes.

I'm sitting on the bed right next to you and your face is buried deeply into the pillow, which is fully soaked with your salty tears. I stroke your hair and I am all quiet, because I'm trying to choose my words wisely in my head, but nothing is coming over my lips. I can't tell you, that everything will be alright, because I know it won't be. For a very long time.

I've lost the track of time. I don't really know, how long we are in your room, laying almost in the same position. The CD plays over and over, but I don't listen to it anymore. Heavy rain blurs your window with trickles of water, meanwhile the darkness is slowly swallowing what's left of the daylight and otherwise, the house is all quiet.

You are catching a breath and you place your cold hand on my thigh, you're finally looking into my eyes and asking me a childlike question - How long will it hurt. I don't want to sound like a grown up teenager, which I truly am, so I comfort you with a cliche, that your pain will go away one day and it takes as long as it takes. It hurts me gravely, while I place my hand on yours. I would like to stroke your hand with my thumb, but I am very insecure. I don't know if I should. You snuggle to me as an injured cat and you try to find a consolation in my embrace. I want to hold you tightly and kiss you softly all over your punk head, as I use to do always when you are sad and because I love you so much. I think that would be strange acting for you. I rather hold myself back.

I feel your breath is trembling much less than hours before. Your eyelids are all swollen and you can't keep your eyes open anymore. Before you finally fall asleep, you squeeze my hip strongly. You thank me for not leaving you and being here for you. The moment you utter last word, your body becomes heavier and your mind finds a peace.

I'm looking at you, resting on me and just being. Now I know, we loved each other already long time ago.

Big salty tear is rolling down my cheek and I have to swallow my sob.