Come A Little Closer
How had they gotten here? He could barely remember a time when he had felt more lost in his entire life, and he had been through a lot. Dealing with Dan as a child had been a struggle, but he had always made it through, but now, how things were now with Haley, he had never felt more distraught.
He loved her. That was the simple part, the part that he didn't even have to second guess. He had loved her almost from the moment he had truly met her, when he had allowed himself to realize that it was no longer about getting to Lucas, but instead was about being with her.
Her.
Haley.
His Haley.
The girl who had changed his ways in more ways than one; the girl who had brought him both the ultimate joy and ultimate despair. There had been times when he wasn't sure he could ever love anyone more, and to be truthful, those times vastly outnumbered the times when he felt like he never wanted to see her again.
She had left him. Left him alone and heartbroken, all because he had practically forced her to. An ultimatum. That's what jealousy and anger had reduced him to; giving her an ultimatum. He could still hear his words in the silence: if you leave, we're through. Stupid. They would never be done. He knew that. He prayed to God she knew that too. But it was more than that; there were more things to consider, to deal with, to rebuild.
He just hoped they were strong enough.
He saw her everyday at school. A glimpse of her golden hair in the hallway; a flash of her walking with Lucas or Brooke. A shy smile as she caught his eye at lunch. It was in those moments, in the silences, that he longed to grab her close, tell her he never wanted her to leave, told her everything he was feeling.
But in the next moment it was gone, and he was empty again. He didn't know if he was strong enough to be with her again. Loving her once had nearly killed him, nearly ended who she had helped him become.
Could he risk it again?
He was hardly perfect. He knew he had made mistakes, hell it had been all he could focus on in the days after she left. He had driven her away. His inability to trust her, to trust what they had, had caused him to lash out.
Ultimatum.
That word flashed in his head, a bright beacon. How had he forced that on her? There was no winning when it came to ultimatums, he knew that better than most. His whole life had been one ultimatum after another. Dan Scott wrote the textbook when it came to ultimatums. He had never believed himself capable of that with her, especially with her, but in the end something bigger had won out.
Fear.
He couldn't lose her. Couldn't fathom a moment without her. And yet, ironically, his fear of losing her was the turning point in her leaving.
But she had made mistakes as well. She had lied. She had betrayed. Or had she? Could he blame her for wanting to follow a dream, a dream he had readily helped her pursue?
Should he blame her for choosing music over him?
Did she choose music over him?
The obvious answer was yes. Of course she had. She left, didn't she? But the other part of him, the part that knew how much she loved him, knew that what she felt was more than just smoke and mirrors, but true, deep love; well that part knew that she had made a choice. Looking back, maybe it had been the right one. Otherwise, what if? What if she had never left? Would they still be at this point? Were they destined to fight these same battles, no matter if she had left or not?
These were questions he had been fighting to answer since that night she had stood on his front step, the night when everything he had prayed for was within arm's length.
Haley.
Love.
Trust.
It was possible. They were possible.
But were they ready?
She had spent weeks trying to convince him that they were worth the fight. Convince. She didn't need to convince him. He knew they were worth everything and more. But that wasn't the problem. She was everything to him. She had been, and when she had left, it had nearly destroyed him. He had been a wreck, a mere shell of a man, a boy trying to deal with the emptiness he felt, the hole of despair that threatened to close around him.
But he had had a brother. His brother. Family to rely on. And now that was gone too.
It all came down to him and Haley. Was he ready to take the step again, be with her, tell her he wanted all the same things she did, and that he wanted them now? Trust could be rebuilt, he knew that, and their love still burned, but what about his pride? Could his pride survive another beating? Was he willing to lower the one shield he had left?
He just didn't know.
It had pained him as much as her to see their beach destroyed. The beautiful wildflowers reduced to rubble in the name of progress. Progress. Something he needed with Haley.
Progress.
Progress.
Love.
Trust.
Love. Love. Love.
If he had learned anything from Haley, it was that they were worth fighting for. He knew it, he felt it deep within him, he felt her hold on his heart tighten with each breath, and he knew, knew that today was the day that he lowered his pride, and gave them another chance.
But there were things that needed to be said first.
Chris.
He laughed now when he thought of the jealousy that had coursed through him whenever his name was mentioned. Chris Keller. Hate. It was easy to hate him, it came effortlessly, and he relished in it. It was easy to place the blame on someone, to take out his anger on someone rather than on the music. Chris.
And yet, now he was paying Chris.
Paying him to help Haley.
Ironic.
She had called him on it, asking him if working with Chris was a test to her fidelity. And in a way, it was. There was no denying that the image of Chris kissing Haley, even if it was for the briefest of moments, brought hate to his eyes. And it took all his effort not to hit Chris now. But there was no denying that Chris had helped, had helped Haley reach a dream. She had gone on tour. His girl had played her songs in front of thousands, had brought her music out, and for that he would always be grateful to Chris. But he still hated him.
He wasn't clear on anything anymore. Well, maybe one thing; he loved Haley. With all of who he was, all that she had given him the confidence to be. He loved her completely.
That wasn't the hard part. Loving her wasn't hard, it came easily with everything he did. It was something he simply did everyday. Wake up, brush teeth, love Haley. Not even in that order. He loved her. Loved. Love.
He wanted her. Wanted to be with her again. To forget the heartache of the last few months, and just be together. He knew it wouldn't be easy; it wasn't worth it if it was. But he wanted it, he wanted her, he wanted them. He wanted to be a them again. He wanted to wake up next to her, to hear her even breathing in the middle of the night, to feel her warm beside him. To laugh with her, talk with her, sit and enjoy the silence with her.
He was ready, ready to be with her again. He only hoped she still wanted him.
The drive to their apartment, the one place that held all their love and happiness, as well as his misery and loneliness, was long. He drove impatiently, wanting to see her then, wanting to lay everything on the table, wanting to feel her against him, wanting to hear her say she loved him.
Parking hastily he jumped out of their car, taking the steps two at a time, in a hurry to see her then. He knocked quickly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, impatient to see her.
The door swung open and she was there in front of him. Seemingly shocked to see him. She smiled brilliantly, and he knew he'd never forget that smile. He felt his own smile mirror hers. This was them.
Haley.
Him.
Together.
He glanced behind her, searching for a trace of Brooke, a silent question.
She shook her head, understanding. "She's working." She stepped back then, inviting him in, her teeth pulling nervously on her lip. He moved past her, stepping inside completely to sit on the couch, all traces of their old room gone.
Well not entirely.
His pink wall still stood. A blatant reminder of the pain and hopelessness he had felt. His eyes drifted there, locked, and he saw her fidget nervously out of the corner of his eye.
"I keep begging her to paint over it." She spoke quietly.
"I'm glad she didn't." He found his voice. He looked at her then, really looked in her eyes, saw the confusion and hurt from his words. "I just mean, if she did, it wouldn't be any of ours, right?" He shrugged, uncomfortable, not wanting her to get the wrong impression.
Her eyes questioned, but her mouth was quiet, and she moved cautiously to sit beside him on the couch. "So, uh, how are you?" She sat still, her eyes trained ahead of her, focusing on the kitchen counter.
His mind flashed to one of their last moments in the kitchen, the moment she had told him about Chris, told him about the kiss, told him about the tour. And he had lashed out, threatening, the fear of losing her to him overpowering the fact that she was being given a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She looked at him then, her eyes sad, and he knew she was remembering the same moment. The tears, the angry voices, him walking out.
He didn't want to focus on that now. He wanted to remember all the loving moments from the apartment. The first time they had cooked dinner together, shortly after he had gotten the place. Or the time he had taught her to play NBA Live. Or the numerous times they had made love on the couch. Those were the moments most true to them, true to their relationship.
He wanted that again.
"Hales…" He turned to her, his hands rubbing at the denim on his thighs, his palms itching to grab her hand.
She looked at him then, her eyes fearful and hopeful, unsure of what he was going to say.
"I love you." The words rushed out of him, he could no longer keep it inside him. Couldn't deny himself any longer. He loved her. He wanted her. They were it.
She smiled, "I love you too; you know that."
He nodded, still afraid to touch her for fear of losing his courage. There were so many things to say, things she had to know, things he had to tell her.
"I know. Uh, I came here because I had to talk to you." Why was this so hard? Why was it hard to tell someone that you wanted them, that you wanted everything you had before and more. He struggled with his words, he had never been one to discuss what he felt, but with her it had been easy. But he struggled now.
"Okay." She leaned back into the pillows, allowing him all the time in the world to choose his words, to start the conversation off right.
"Do you think about that night?" He looked at her. Saw the briefest bit of confusion. "The night when you left."
She softened then, her body leaning forward to be closer to his. "All the time. It's the one day I wish I had to do over."
He nodded. "Me too. But probably for different reasons. I should have told you to go." Haley opened her mouth to protest, but he stilled her. "No, it's true. If I know one thing, it's that. The biggest mistake I made was ever given you that ultimatum. I hate that I made you choose. Me or the music. It was never about that. And it hurt, of course that I wasn't the choice."
"Nathan, there was no choice between you or my music. You are always my choice. My only choice. I know it doesn't make sense, but looking back, I just didn't know how to respond. Here was something I had wanted so badly, a chance to prove I was more than just the smart girl, or more than just what people expected of me. But if I had ever realized, ever fathomed the turmoil it would put on you, on us, there wouldn't have been a need to choose at all.
"You are my choice, Nathan. Always. And I know that now, I was just too stupid to realize it."
"Well if you're stupid, then I'm stupid Hales. We both messed up. And I can admit that now. I'm sorry I was so hard on you when you came back. I just didn't know what to do. There you were, everything I had hoped, and you were back, and you wanted me. But I couldn't forget. I was heartbroken, I was in pieces when you left, and I didn't know if I could rebuild myself, or if I even wanted to.
"But you never gave up on us." Nathan smiled at her, his mouth quirking up slightly. "You knew we were more important than to just give up on. To be honest, I wasn't always so sure. But when it came down to it, I loved you. No, that's wrong. I love you. Completely. It's never been a question about that Hales, I do love you." His hand reached for hers, his thumb running over her knuckles.
"But you don't trust me." She spoke sadly, the tears welling her eyes.
"It's been hard Hales. I didn't know if I even wanted to trust you. I was devastated when you left. I became someone I didn't even recognize. I barely slept, or when I did it was mainly because I had passed out from drinking." Haley's breath hitched then.
"I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, that's not what I want. But it's the truth. And that's what we need. Truth. We lied to each other, over big things and small things, and it tore away at us. It made us less. But I know we're more than that. And so, if we have any chance of rebuilding, we have to be honest."
Haley looked hopeful again, her eyes smiling. "I agree."
Nathan breathed in deeply, preparing himself. "Well then there's something I have to tell you." He turned to her, his eyes locked on hers. "I'm paying Chris to help you with you music."
She was silent, her eyes still locked on his, though her hand had grown cold. "What?"
"Brooke told me you hadn't been writing anything, that you needed help. Chris had written me while I was at camp, he told me about the tour, about how it really was just about music, about how he wanted to help. So I called him."
"Chris?"
"Yeah, I called Chris. And I asked him to help you. I've been paying for your studio time with him."
"So," she drew back, her hand withdrawing from his and he felt cold, "you asked the one person you blamed, the one person you hated, to help me?" She fixed her eyes on him, "Was this some sort of test? Did I pass? What did you hope would happen?"
"No, it wasn't a test. Well not really. Did I want you spending time with Chris? Hell no. But I can't deny that he has helped you. More than anything I wanted you to have your music again, even if I couldn't be the one to help give you the inspiration at the time." He shrugged. "And as for what I hoped. Well I hoped that you'd find the passion you felt for music again. I wanted to give that back to you."
"I don't know what to say to this Nathan. Should I be upset? Should I yell at you? Or should I thank you? What do you want from me?"
"Honesty." He reached for her hand again, felt her slight resistance before she slipped hers with his. "Even if that means you yelling at me, or throwing me out. Because more than anything, Haley, I want to be us again, and we can't do that if we're lying to each other."
"So you're telling me this to clear your conscience."
"What? No. Hales. You saw what the lying did to us. You lying about working with Chris, me lying about the HCM test. We were fighting about things we could have resolved, I just don't want that for us ever again."
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. "I don't either. I hate lying to you. But don't you see, you made a choice for me. You can't just go behind my back and make decisions with Chris, no matter how good your motives were. You all but forced me to work with him. The one person I would think you'd want me to stay away from."
"Believe me, he is the last person I like to think about you hanging out with. But I had to do this. I had to take the stigma off music. When you had left, Chris and your music became the two things I could focus all my energy on. I hated Chris, if I had seen him, I would've killed him, and in turn, I hated that he shared something with you that I couldn't; something that I didn't fully understand. I still hate him. That won't change, but I don't hate what he represents. I'm not threatened by him anymore. I had to do that for me. And I'm sorry if that upsets you."
She kept her eyes on him, the tension leaving her slowly; he felt her hand tighten on his. "I guess I can understand that. I don't necessarily like it, but I understand. Nathan, I love you." She moved closer, her thigh brushing his. "But we can't keep doing this to each other. I think you're right; the lying is what got us into this mess. We both thought we were protecting each other by not telling the truth, when all we did is hurt each other more."
He squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry about this whole thing with Chris. It stops now. But I just thought; I knew I had to tell you."
"I'm glad you did. And since you're being honest, I think I should too." He glanced at her, unaware that she too, had been keeping something from him. "This isn't even my secret to tell, but I think you have a right to know. Luke has HCM."
He blinked rapidly, the words processing. "What? I thought, he said he was clear."
"He used Keith's test. Dan was paying for his medication when he lived with him, but when he moved out, Dan refused to help pay anymore. I caught him stealing from Karen's register to pay for the medication. He wouldn't even have told me if I hadn't confronted him about it."
Nathan looked down at their hands. "So that's why you've been keeping such a close eye on him."
Haley softened. "Yeah, I was worried about him, especially with basketball starting up again. You can tell he's not 100."
"I've been treating him like shit. I keep ragging on him, telling him he's not on his game. If I had known…" He trailed off, unable to finish.
"You couldn't have. He didn't want anyone to. Karen doesn't know. Nobody does, but me. But I couldn't keep it from you anymore. He's your brother, and he's going to need you." She rubbed her hand up his arm, soothing.
"I don't know what to say."
"It's a lot to deal with. But I know he's going to need you. He loves you. I love you."
He nodded. "I love you too."
"So, where does this leave us now?" She looked at him hopefully.
He smiled, never more sure of this next step. "Together. I want us, Haley. I want to be us again. We've spent a lot of time apart, but I'm ready to work on us again. It's what I want."
She smiled brilliantly then, her hand tight around his. "That's what I want too. I was afraid I'd never hear you say that."
His eyes narrowed to her lips, and she licked them self-consciously. His eyes flicked back up to hers, saw the love there, and he moved forward slowly. His lips slid against hers, rubbing softly, memorizing this first kiss again; the beginning in a whole new series of firsts. He wanted to remember this moment always, the moment when they started fresh, the moment they chose to rebuild.
Come a little closer baby
Rebuild.
I feel like layin' you down
Love.
On a bed of sweet surrender
Trust.
Where we can work it all out
Love.
There ain't nothin' that love can't fix
Haley pressed back equally, her lips impatient to deepen the kiss, her body longing for his again. His hands moved from hers, moved up along her arms, pulling her body closer to his.
Girl it's right here at our fingertips
Their middles met and they sighed, a shared breath between them as their skin heated. He had almost forgotten how good she tasted, the subtle taste of her, the feel of her against his skin a pleasant reminder of them of old.
So come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
The air turned electric around them and he felt himself diving into her, diving into the warmth that surrounded her.
Come a little closer baby
"I love you Nathan."
I feel like lettin' go
"I love you Haley."
Of everything that stands between us
And it was real.
And the love we used to know
He wanted her, his body ached for her. Ached to feel whole again. A part of him had been empty for far too long and he wanted to be with her again, to know that they were solid once more.
I want to touch you like a cleansin' rain
She shifted beneath him, pulling him over her as she lay along the length of the couch. She felt so good in his arms, her body tight beneath him.
And let it wash all the hurt away
Her fingers trailed up his arms, her nails scratching at the muscles beneath his t-shirt. He stayed raised on his elbows, his fingers playing with the hair around her ears. His mouth continued to seek out hers, to feel her real against him.
So come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
He had missed this, missed feeling close to someone. Not just anyone. Haley. His wife, his love, his missing half. He loved her more than anyone else in the world, loved what she did for him, what she taught him, what she gave him, what she made him feel.
If there's still a chance then take my hand
She sighed beneath him, her fingers playing at the collar of his t-shirt, the cotton stretching. His hands moved to her neck, tracing lightly at her skin.
And we'll steal away
She moved to pull at his shirt, the cotton soft to the touch. She inched it up slightly, giving her hands access to the warm flesh of his back.
Off into the night 'til we make things right
He pulled back, his eyes searching out hers, seeing the soft smile on her lips. He kissed her again, his tongue tasting, slipping between her lips, his body relishing in being with her again.
The sun's gonna rise on a better day
He moaned as her hand pushed his shirt higher, her fingers grasping at his back. Her lips moved to his neck, pulling the skin between her teeth, his breath hissing out.
Come a little closer baby
He pulled the rest of his shirt off, wanting to feel her hands on his skin. She smirked at him, his fingers grazing over the skin of his chest, her nails scratching at his nipple. He hissed out another breath, smiling at the look of pleasure in her eyes before his own hand reached down to grab hers.
I feel like strippin' it down
She kissed him again. Keeping him close as her tongue circled his mouth, her mouth impatient to feel more of him all at once. It had been too long, she had missed him, missed what he made her feel, and she was showing him.
Back to the basics of you and me
He kissed her jaw, his fingers inching under her tank top, feeling the heated skin of her stomach. She sucked in a breath as his hands nipped at her sides, and he pulled her into him more, her hips cradled against his.
And what makes the world go 'round
She moaned loudly as she felt the length of him against her. His body strained, longing, as his mouth continued to seek hers, unwilling to give up the feel of her lips and tongue against his.
Every inch of you against my skin
She reached between them, impatiently, pulling her shirt over her head, wanting to feel flesh against flesh. The air turned electric around them, the power of it surrounding them as they continued to kiss, he felt himself growing impatient, longing to be with her completely.
I wanna be stronger than we've ever been
He wanted her, more than he could ever remember wanting her before. He wanted to solidify their relationship again; he wanted to be them again.
So come a little closer baby
"Nathan." She spoke softly, not wanting to break the moment.
He blinked at her through the lust. "Yeah?"
She looked at him shyly and he could see the blush working its way over her cheeks. "Do you want to go into the bedroom?"
I feel like strippin' it down
He smiled, loving the look she was giving him. He could see the love there, the lust, the longing, and he felt it. He felt her love, surrounding him, strengthening him, capturing him. "I'd love to." He kissed her again, his tongue licking at her lips.
Come a little closer baby
He stood up quickly, pulling her up beside him, leading her down the hall, before her words stilled him.
"Nathan. I know we haven't solved everything, but I love you, and I'm willing to do whatever to make it good again."
Just a little bit closer baby
He looked down at their joined hands, felt the power of them uniting again; felt his heart beat wildly in his chest. He smiled at her, his face genuine. "I am too, Hales, I want us to be good again too. I love you."
Come a little bit closer baby
She grinned; rising on her tip toes to kiss him, her arms banding around his waist. He pulled her tight against him, walking backwards into the room they had once shared, the room they would share again, and he felt love.
Love.
I feel like layin' you down
Trust.
Love.
It was all they needed.