A/N: This is a sequel to Sorrow Waited, Sorrow Won. Could be read as standalone, but I think they work better together.
Rafael woke to the sound of his phone buzzing next to his head. He ignored it, rolling over, when guilt struck him hard in the chest and he chanced a look at the clock on his side table. It was just after 8pm. He was supposed to meet Sonny for dinner at 7:30. There was always an understanding that one of them would possibly be late, but they always called if it was going on half an hour. Always. It was their unspoken rule. And he'd just broke it.
His phone started buzzing again, and he stared at it as it lit up on the pillow beside him, whirring away, Sonny's smiling face filling up the screen. He felt sick as he flipped it over so he wouldn't have to look at it.
He knew he should get up. He knew he should tidy himself, apologise to his boyfriend, and make his way to the restaurant as quick as possible.
Instead, he buried deeper into the covers, wishing his bed would swallow him whole.
When his phone started vibrating for the fifth time, guilt forced him to sit up and take the phone in his hands. He almost answered, his thumb hovering just above the green button, ready to swipe, when an indescribable, overwhelming fear screamed from his gut, up into his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He dropped the phone back down, his head hitting the pillow at the same time, a small, frustrated moan leaving his mouth.
This was pathetic, and he knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to make any kind of decision. The guilt of ignoring his perfect, sweet, kind, understanding boyfriend and the reservation he had made for their 6 month anniversary (though he knew Sonny would never say as such - Rafael would tease him relentlessly for that level of sentimentality) was opening up inside his stomach, filling him with the all-too-familiar sense of worthlessness - he wasn't worthy of Sonny and he knew it. But the stupid, debilitating fear of picking up the phone, of changing his clothes, of heading out that front door, out into the world full of other people was overwhelming. So the guilt and the fear waged war inside him while he sat paralysed, a mere spectator to the most pathetic shit-fight imaginable while the rest of the world moved on outside his apartment.
He remained curled up on his side, internally debating, long after his phone stopped buzzing. Even without the reminder of his guilt, he still felt it deep in the pit of his stomach, and every time he thought of Sonny's face his stomach swooped, the guilt piling on tenfold, and all he could do was bury his face into his pillow with his eyes tightly shut as he tried to convince himself to just send him an apology text, if nothing else.
What he wanted more than anything was to go back to sleep, the lingering effects of his earlier migraine still making him feel disoriented and sleepy, but his dark cloud had settled and it wouldn't let him rest.
Rafael didn't hear the lock on his front door click, but just as he thought he could hear footsteps, a soft voice called to him from his living room.
"Raf? You okay?" Sonny called to him tentatively.
He felt he could cry then, but he didn't. He stayed still and quiet, paralysed now with shame, regretting ever giving Sonny an emergency key to his flat.
Sonny appeared, silhouetted in Rafael's door frame, the smell of Chinese food wafting into the room ahead of him. He had to squint to look at Sonny from the darkness of his own room with the light from the rest of the house behind him.
"I can go, if you like?" Sonny whispered, which caused the corners or Rafael's lips to twitch upward. There was no need to whisper.
"Stay," he said softly, motioning for his partner to join him on the bed.
Sonny placed the bag of food on the dresser before planting himself delicately next to Rafael on the bed, extending his arm above Rafael's head so he could scoot closer, resting his head on his chest, listening to his heart beat.
"I was worried," Sonny whispered against his hair. "Thought you were… I dunno, you could have been dead. I was worried you were."
Guilt caused Rafael to physically flinch, and he tilted his head upward to kiss Sonny's jaw. It sounded just a touch over-dramatic, but in their line of work, over-dramatic was sadly all too real more often than not.
"I'm sorry." It was all he had. It wasn't enough, but what more could he say?
"Nah, it's okay. Just… maybe text me next time?"
"It's… yeah, okay."
How could he explain that sometimes, it wasn't that easy? How could he explain the pathetic state he'd got himself in, unable to move, or even bring himself to send a text? He knew it was ridiculous, and saying it out loud would feel even more ridiculous. He'd given Sonny so many reasons to leave him - it would be just one more thing on the already too-high pile that would eventually drive him away.
"I dunno, maybe… We gotta have a plan in place, yeah? A 'the world is too much right now, but I'm alive' plan. I dunno what yet, but we'll think of something."
Rafael let out a shaky breath and squeezed Sonny's free hand in his own. It was times like these that he felt so inferior, and yet so lucky. He shouldn't be surprised anymore, but the depths of Sonny's acceptance and desire to work with him without complaint always astounded him.
"I see you brought food," Rafael said, smiling now as he lifted himself off the bed.
There was no point wallowing in his idiocy. Especially not when there was someone to bear witness, and not when that someone's very presence made him feel so much lighter.
"Yeah," Sonny said with a laugh, hopping off the bed and scooping the bag up as he passed. "Brought my favourite movie, too."
He held up his copy of Terminator with a waggle of his brows, and Rafael rolled his eyes, grabbing the bag from his hand to go serve their food up.
"What, Terminator not your style?" Sonny teased, snaking his arms around Rafael's middle as he tried to serve their food.
"Do I look like the kind of person who enjoys Terminator?" He huffed, shrugging Sonny off him as he feigned annoyance.
But he wore a smile as they sat too close together on the lounge, and though he'd never admit it, he rather enjoyed watching Terminator. He figured it had more to do with Sonny's excited commentary than anything else, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.