Loosely based on the song Between You and I, by Every Avenue.
Thanks to rippingbutterflywings for beta'ing. You are my bloodbrother. Team H&H. Syd for President. Guacamole is life.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments or Between You and I by Every Avenue.
Envy - The most denied emotion. The longing for something someone else has.
-Jace Wayland-
"The question wasn't meant to hurt you," Jace said, tugging at the ends of his hair. This wasn't like him. He'd sworn that Clary would never know the depth of his lingering affection for her. Before the truth came out, they'd been together for two years, and they went through everything together. She knew him better than anyone, and now he kind of wished that she didn't. They were in love, but everything changed the night that Valentine told them they were brother and sister. Jace wanted to know why no one told them before they slept together. Valentine let it go on for two years, before he collapsed their worlds on them. "It's just my fear of losing you," he muttered, but he wasn't sure why. Had he not lost her already? She was his sister, and it wasn't as if he could reach into his DNA and change it. Jace would, if it was possible.
"Of course I love him, Jace. Why else would I be marrying him?" Clary snapped. Her venomous tone made Jace's head hurt. Since the night that their father told them the hideous truth about their blood, Clary had been either distant or angry. There was no in-between, and at least when she was angry Jace knew she cared.
"You're settling for him because you can't marry me," Jace answered honestly. She didn't love Jordan; she was just lost.
Clary looked like he'd slapped her, and Jace knew that she probably would have preferred being slapped over what he'd said. Her lips trembled, the way they always did when she was upset. "I can't believe you just said that."
Jace sighed. He was wrong for saying that, knowing it would hurt her. She pretended she wasn't, but they both knew that she was still in love with him. Despite knowing that they could never be together, they couldn't just move on from the two years they spent with each other. "Would you believe me, if I said I was sorry?"
"No," Clary said immediately, shaking her head. "I wouldn't believe that. Why can't you just go back to Kaelie? She loves you, and I'm with Jordan now," she tried to reason. Jace wasn't sure if she was reasoning with herself, or with him. "You're my brother," she sighed, repeating the same tired line that she'd been reminding him of for the last 11 months.
"Jordan doesn't deserve you," he stepped closer, placing his hands on her hips. After 11 months, it still felt right to touch her. The pain in Jace's chest lessened when she was close to him. It was true; Jordan didn't deserve her. He'd never love her—never even know her—like Jace did. Jace knew they couldn't be together. He knew that, but it didn't mean he was okay with either of them being with anyone else. That's why it didn't work out with Kaelie, and Clary knew that.
She deadpanned, dropping every ounce of emotion from her face. This was the only time, Jace thought, that she looked like their father. "I can't do this, Jace."
Envy - The most denied emotion. The longing for something someone else has.
-Clary Morgenstern-
Clary dug her fingertips into the exposed flesh of Jordan's back while he panted on top of her. He was a nice guy and a good lover, but she still thought of Jace every time she closed her eyes. Clary was envious of Jordan and the way he felt about her. He asked her to marry him and she said yes, knowing that this was all she got. She didn't have the luxury of waiting for someone she truly loved. The only person she'd ever truly loved turned out to be her brother. Clary wasn't sure if it sickened her more that she'd been intimate with her brother, or that she still wanted to be.
She held Jordan closer, trying to absorb some of his love. One day, she hoped to feel the same way about him, but she wasn't there yet. "I love you so much," he whispered into her untamed hair.
"I love you, too," she lied. The ugly truth was that Clary didn't feel much of anything for Jordan. She enjoyed being around him and she even enjoyed sex with him, but that was nothing like love. She felt pity and jealousy for Jordan, but that was the closest she ever came to affection for him. She wanted to love him back, but there was something missing. Something caught in her throat.
Jordan grunted and kissed her deeply. It took a moment for him to turn back into himself after she'd started thinking about Jace. She couldn't do that. Clary couldn't allow herself to think about Jace, especially not while she shared a bed with Jordan. That wasn't fair to any of them, not that any of this really was.
He rolled to his side and pulled her into his chest. "I can't wait to marry you," he whispered sleepily.
Clary swallowed down the guilt and replied, "I can't wait, either."
Pride - The sin from which all others arise. A feeling of superiority.
-Jace Wayland-
Get up.
Jace wasn't sure how long he could go on like this. He was nearly done, though none of this was anywhere near being over.
Get up.
The bed shifted beside him and for a moment he forgot that it could not possibly be Clary. "Good morning, sweetie," Kaelie muttered sleepily. He rolled his head to the side with no false hope of finding a petite redhead beside him. He looked into her ice blue eyes, willing them to turn green.
Jace swallowed hard but the lump in his throat wouldn't go away, no matter how hard he tried. He thought that maybe if he kept his eye on Kaelie and backed away, she would shrink smaller and smaller in the growing distance until she vanished from his sight completely. What had he done? "Kaelie," he choked out.
He closed his eyes, gritting his teeth against the onslaught of pain in his head and the sick twist in his stomach. The last few drinks had taken over his mind, and he remembered drunk-dialing Clary before he ran into Kaelie. Jace couldn't remember what he said to her, but he knew he should ring her to apologize. Or maybe that was just an excuse to hear her voice.
"What happened, Kaelie?"
The girl bit her lip. There was no denying that she was beautiful, but she couldn't hold a candle to Clary. "You don't remember?" she asked, clearly hurt.
Jace shook his head and immediately regret the movement. His head spun and his stomach tightened painfully. "No, I don't remember." Judging by their lack of clothing, Jace knew what happened. He didn't know why he bothered to ask.
Kaelie sighed, defeated. "We made love," she said. She sat up, holding his flat sheet up to cover her chest. "You called me Clary."
Jace remained silent. It wasn't the first time he'd called someone Clary in the last 11 months. Sometimes, if he turned off the light he would forget that it wasn't her. "I'm sorry, Kaelie," he sighed. "You should go."
The girl didn't move. "She's your sister, Jace. You need to get over her." Her hand slid up Jace's arm, onto his shoulder, but he shrugged her off. "Let me help, baby."
"Kaelie, go," he whispered.
"Jace—"
"GO." Jace watched her expression and the tears that she blinked away, but made no move to stop her as she left. The door slammed behind her, and Jace thought that maybe the absence of Kaelie was the best proof he had that things got better.
Pride - The sin from which all others arise. A feeling of superiority.
-Clary Morgenstern-
Jace had been right when he said she was settling. The thing he overlooked, however, was Clary's desire to return Jordan's love. She didn't want to be in love with Jace. There was no sick fantasy about being with her brother. Clary wanted to fall in love with someone else. She wanted to feel that way again, and there was no reason it couldn't be Jordan. Still, her heart was empty of him.
She'd cursed and yelled at her brother when he drunk-dialed her the night before. "Why can't you just be my brother?" she'd cried, and he'd apologized. Clary refused to swallow her pride and told him that everything was fine. She told him not to call again until he was sober.
He was sober now, and his voice still soothed her the way it always had. Jordan was in the shower while Clary pressed her phone to her ear helplessly. "I'm sorry, Clary. I don't remember what I said, but I know I called you last night."
"Everything is fine, Jace. You were just drunk." That was a lie, though. She could still feel him in her veins. She could still hear his words; they were branded into her cerebrum.
I miss you, so much.
I miss the smell of your hair and waking up next to it.
You're so beautiful.
"I miss you," he whispered.
For just one second, Clary let her guard down. "I miss you, too."
"Can I see you?"
Clary's muscles tensed at the idea of seeing him; being alone with him. It was a bad idea, so why did she want to say yes? "Jace, we can't."
"Not like that," he said immediately. "I won't try anything. I just want to see you. There's no reason we can't be friends."
Greed - The root of all evil. Someone who wants things all to themselves.
-Jace Wayland-
Jace sat across from her in Java Jones while absently picking at the skin on his knuckles. "What did I say on the phone last night?"
Clary shifted in hear seat, sipping from her black coffee. "It doesn't matter, Jace. You were just drunk."
"I want to know."
"You told me I was beautiful," she whispered. Clary wouldn't make eye contact with him. She hadn't looked him in the eye all morning and Jace knew why. If they looked at each other they'd break. There was no way to keep up this sibling façade if they were looking into each other's eyes and letting everything come back so vividly.
"I'm sober, and you're still beautiful." Jace couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of him.
He started to apologize when Clary interrupted him. Her next words surprised him more than anything had before. "Sometimes I think you're still mine."
His breath caught, because sometimes Clary made him forget how to breathe. "I am."
She shook her head and stared at the wall over his shoulder. "You can't be. You aren't something I can have. And maybe it's just me being greedy, but I still want to keep you to myself." After the words spilled out of her, Clary slid her gaze over his face until their eyes met. Her face held nothing but fear. And she made fear look so beautiful.
"I want that too, Clary," Jace whispered. She closed her eyes, shaking her head again.
"Don't say that."
"Why?" He spoke barely louder than a whisper. It was all he could make his voice do, with all the pressure built up in his throat.
"We can't do this, Jace. Please…" She blinked several times in order to hold back tears. "Let me be happy without you." In that moment, Jace's heart shattered. He reached out for her, grasping only broken edges.
Greed - The root of all evil. Someone who wants things all to themselves.
-Clary Morgenstern-
The idea of Jace ruined her.
"You're the one who's moved on, Clary," Jace sighed and broke eye contact with her. "I want you to be happy without me."
Clary wanted to tell him that she'd moved on from him, but was not over him. She still remembered the curve of his spine and the way his muscles tensed. She knew where his skin was the softest, and he was still hers. Her hands were still learning that no one else felt quite like him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. And she was. She was sorry that she couldn't tell him she was drowning in the absence of him.
"So am I," he muttered, before taking a long drink from his paper cup.
Clary drew in a shaky breath and sipped from her own coffee. "I should go."
When Jace's hand landed on hers, in order to stop her from leaving, electricity shot up Clary's arm. After nearly a year, he still had this overwhelming effect on her. She wasn't supposed to feel this way when her brother touched her. It wasn't right. She wanted to feel disgust, wanted to pull away, but she just couldn't. "Don't go," he pleaded.
And she didn't.
Wrath - Your most destructive emotion; something that brings us closer to our primal roots. Anger is a poison you take, hoping the other person will die.
-Jace Wayland-
He growled a few careless words. "Fuck."
"Damnit."
"Shit."
Jace knew he couldn't be with Clary, but he didn't expect her to set a date for the wedding with Jordan. He stared down at the elegant sheet of paper, feeling like his insides were being torn apart. He let his blood rise to a boil.
Clarissa Morgenstern and Jordan Kyle invite you to share in the celebration of their marriage.
Jace blinked away the tears and let the page fall from his fingertips. His eyes turned to the photo lighting up his cell phone. "Fuck," he repeated.
It was Clary, in her wedding dress. She'd chosen her dress, and Jace felt physical pain from looking at the photo that Jocelyn had sent him. He couldn't bring himself to take in the details of the photo.
Clary was getting married to someone else. Jace couldn't help but remember when she'd agreed to marry him; when they'd planned their lives together.
Jace was left with more scar than skin.
Wrath - Your most destructive emotion; something that brings us closer to our primal roots. Anger is a poison you take, hoping the other person will die.
-Clary Morgenstern-
On their second anniversary, Jace asked Clary to marry him. She could still remember the way her heart rallied against her rib cage as he slid the ring over her knuckle. There was light in his eyes. There was music in his laugh.
Clary hadn't seen the light since that night, when they announced their engagement to her parents. Valentine told them the truth, and Clary wondered why he waited. Why he allowed her to date her brother, to fall in love with her brother and have sex with her brother.
What was wrong with him? Before that night, Clary could not have honestly said that she knew what it was to hate someone. But she knew then, and she would never take advantage of the word again.
She frowned at the memory. Jordan's ring weighed down her finger in a way Jace's never did. Jace's ring felt right, just like he did.
"Don't marry him, Clary," Jace begged. He smelled of beer and cigarettes, but Clary swore each time his hands touched her, she felt beautiful. He made her feel beautiful. His hands trickled lightly down her bare arm, and she couldn't stop the trembles that came along with his touch. There was glass shattering beneath her skin.
"Please don't ask me not to," Clary whispered. She felt so obliterated. "This is all that's left for me."
"You don't love him."
"I could, one day." Her voice shook when she said it. Clary knew that this wasn't fair to Jordan, but she couldn't stand the idea of having no one to hold her back from going to Jace. Jace wouldn't stop her.
"When that day comes, I'll try to approve," Jace sighed.
Clary wanted to tell him that she could hear the words that he was not saying. She wanted to say, "I hear you, brother. I know."
She wanted to shake him from the autumn leaves. She wanted to make him see that she could see what he was doing. That she could hear the most broken part of him every time he lied to her. She wanted him to know that she had always been listening.
Anger had a rather bitter taste.
Sloth - Spiritual dejection; an unwillingness to take action.
-Jace Wayland-
Startled by a knock at the door, Jace rose for the first time all day to answer. His eyes passed over the note Clary had left for him.
I've finally started to heal. You should, too. It's time.
The door creaked open to reveal Jordan Kyle standing on the other side of the threshold. Jace's fists clenched, and he was ashamed of his desire to hurt this man for making Clary happy. He was ashamed for feeling like no one else should be making her happy like that. That it was his place, and his alone.
"She's still in love with you," Jordan dispensed with the pleasantries. "Sometimes she whispers your name in her sleep."
Jace was caught off guard at this new information. "She loves you." He denied Jordan's allegation. Despite how badly he wanted to be with her, he knew that she would never forgive him if he said anything different.
"Maybe," Jordan muttered. "No one blames you for still loving each other. I thought you'd get married, one day. We're all shocked, too, Jace."
Something about Jordan made Jace feel bad for desiring something that was no longer his. Clary would never be his. She couldn't be, so why not let her be with Jordan? Jace only wanted her to be happy, but he could remember the joy in her eyes when she looked at him. She never looked at Jordan that way.
"Clary is my sister, and she's in love with you now." His heart thumped painfully when he said it, but Jace couldn't allow himself to feel this way. He dove deeper into the apathy, hoping to find some kind of relief.
He never did.
Sloth - Spiritual dejection; an unwillingness to take action.
-Clary Morgenstern-She felt herself blink, lashes so sharp against her skin, and knew what she needed to do. If only she could find the words to say it, and if only...
If only she knew how to convey what her heart wanted to say.
She kept telling herself to forget about him. Clary tried to be his sister. When that didn't work, she gave friendship her best shot. Too much had gone on between them. She still remembered the way his eyes looked when he entered her, and how he smiled when he heard her sharp intake of breath at the feeling of him. That wasn't something she should know about her brother.
They couldn't be friends if he knew the truth. That's why she left the note. Jace would never allow himself to let go if he knew that she hadn't.
That was the only time she ever lied to him. For her, it was a personal best.
Clary tried not to think about how it would feel to watch the love of her life falling for someone else. She pushed away thoughts of watching him hold her first child, and she choked back the sobs that came with the idea of Jace having children with someone else.
Gluttony - Overindulgence; the inordinate desire to consume too much.
-Jace Wayland-
Alcohol never tasted better than her love.
Jace no longer knew how to be loved. He only knew how to be touched. He was lonely, but he continued to push everyone away. He only wanted Clary, and she was not something he was allowed to have. He was a sinking ship, going under. Jace was frightfully sorry to be so drunk on the day of Clary's wedding, but he couldn't do this if he was sober.
He held his composure as Jocelyn showed him the way to the room his sister was in. "She looks so beautiful, Jace," Jocelyn gushed as they rushed through the long, undeviating hallway.
"She always does," he said to himself more than anything. "Always…"
Jocelyn's movement halted. "You can't say things like that, Jace."
"Why not?"
"She's your sister now, not your fiancée. I know you love her, but please… let her go."
Jace's heart constantly felt like it was being held in a tight fist. When he heard Jocelyn's words, the heart-gripping fist squeezed tighter. He couldn't breathe, anymore. "I'm trying."
Jocelyn nodded and opened the door to her right.
Inside, Jace saw Clary standing in front of a full length mirror, wearing the dress from the photograph. He couldn't force himself to smile as he drank in her soft curves and the subtle pout of her lips.
She wasn't happy.
Gluttony - Overindulgence; the inordinate desire to consume too much.
-Clary Morgenstern-
Jace's eyes made love to her.
He looked at her in a way that said, "You're still mine." And in a way, she still was.
Clary watched in a silent daze as her mother patted Jace's shoulder and headed out the door to find Valentine.
Jace stepped closer to her, his golden eyes burning into her in a way that he knew would make her remember. They were his bedroom eyes, as she'd always called them. She remembered the first time he looked at her like that, his eyes so bright and his smile so wide. Clary could still feel the way he handled her so delicately. And she loved him so ferociously.
It was a memory she tucked away, beneath her bed, where she gave herself to another man. His hands weren't gentle, like Jordan's. Clary knew that Jordan wouldn't make her feel the way Jace did. No one would ever compare to him.
The world shattered into pieces when the truth came out. It still hurt from when the impact hit. Clary felt like she was still picking glass fragment from the exposed skin of her chest.
"You look beautiful," Jace told her.
Her heart fluttered. "Thank you."
He sighed, and from several feet away she could smell the alcohol on his breath. She couldn't even find it in herself to be angry with him for getting pissed on her wedding day. She could use a drink, too. "Do you have any more on you?"
His eyebrow lifted, easily. "More what?"
"Whatever you've been drinking."
Jace pulled a flask from the inside of his tux, and handed it to her. "It's moonshine," he warned her.
Clary choked on the flavor. It was the most disgusting thing she'd ever tasted. "Where did you get moonshine?"
"Magnus."
"I should have guessed that," Clary laughed lightly. She tried to forget about the fact that Jace was capable or ripping her open completely as she sipped from the flask again. She offered it back to him, and he tilted his head to the side in incertitude. "I can't get drunk. I just wanted to take the edge off. Thank you."
"Whatever you need," Jace said.
She wanted to say that she needed him. She always needed him. Telling Jace she loved him was never a last resort. "I'm sorry," she said suddenly. Clary wasn't even sure what she was apologizing for.
"Why are you sorry?"
Clary took his large hand in both of hers. "I have not yet forgotten how to belong to you." She swallowed hard. "I'm trying."
Jace lead her over to the window that looked out over the sanctuary. She'd get married there in just over an hour. "Our wedding would have been a happier occasion," he muttered. Clary knew this already. When planning the wedding, she removed every song that reminded her of Jace from the playlist. She only allowed them to play songs that hadn't been tainted by his memory.
She was sure that Jordan could taste the pain in her kiss.
Lust - Love is the missing link. Lust is wrongful sexual desire.
-Jace Wayland-
The moment that Clary said, "I do," Jace's entire world, which had been held in a fragile glass house, began shattering inward.
He tried to forget her, but when they were together, the darkest piece of her pure soul soaked through his skin. She was in his veins, and even the most unclean part of her was purifying him. Jace tried so hard to be happy for them, but his own misery got in the way. He hated watching Valentine give his girl away.
As he approached her on the dance floor, Jace felt like he was walking on quicksand. He didn't know if he'd ever feel secure again. They'd planned their lives together, with bouquets of promises, and then it was gone.
Jace felt guilty for not averting his eyes when Clary looked at him. Jordan kissed her forehead and whispered something in her ear before leaving, to ask his own sister to dance. Jace's heart turned violently inside of his chest, and he reminded himself that he was in his twenties. These teenage feelings of inadequacy should have been long gone, but they lingered relentlessly. He told himself that he had better things to do than foam at the mouth for the way his little sister looked in her wedding dress.
Still, he didn't turn away.
He thought about her naked. The way her freckles disappeared under her plunging neckline and he memorized where each of them decorated the pallid skin of her chest. He knew her body like an astronomer knew the stars. They didn't forget about them during the day, just as Jace could never forget the way Clary's soft body felt pressed under his.
His hands rested firmly on her lower back, and they spun in large circles, seeing nothing but each other. Jace leaned, his breath coming out shallowly on her neck. "We would have danced like this at our wedding."
To his surprise, Clary didn't pull away. Her hands clung helplessly to his dress shirt, and she pulled him closer. To anyone looking on, this would have looked innocent enough, but Jace could still remember the way her hands fisted in his clothing when she wanted him.
Jace scratched Clary's shoulders thoughtlessly. She always liked that. He remembered the way she said she loved him first, and he fell for her. He fell for everything about her—the look she sent over her shoulder, and the subtle smell of Lemon Pledge in her apartment. He fell in love with the paint that splattered her favorite pair of jeans. Jace fell in love with the moonlight catching fire to her conflagration of hair, and all over again, Jace fell in love with her breath on his neck.
He fell harder than ever before. For a married woman—for his sister.
Their spinning slowed significantly before they stopped rotating entirely. Clary looked up at him with anticipation, and he glanced around the room to be sure no one would see when he pulled his sister out onto the balcony, letting the cool night air soothe his sticky skin. Her arms never left their place around his neck.
He tried not to think about the way they both used alcohol to like themselves more. Jace tried to focus on the way her tongue tasted in his mouth, and how some things never changed. He hadn't forgotten the way it felt to kiss her. The way her teeth never seemed to get in the way, and how much he loved it when she moaned into his mouth. He breathed in the sound.
"Jace," Clary gasped, her hands pulling excitedly at his shoulders. "We shouldn't do this." Her actions didn't match her words.
Jace backed her against the concrete wall, hiking the dress up over her hips. He lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around him. "I don't care," he growled against her neck.
Clary's hands flew into his hair, pulling him closer. "Yeah, neither do I," she decided.
His fingernails met with her thighs—digging, asking. She reached down to uneasily wiggle his pants down his hips, and Jace nudged her panties to the side so he could push into her. They sighed in unison, and Jace let the feeling of familiarity wash over him.
Lust - Love is the missing link. Lust is wrongful sexual desire.
-Clary Morgenstern-
Clary was trying to moan his name, but it came out more like a sob.
She was sorry that she never loved him this much while they were still allowed to be together. She was sorry for marrying someone else, knowing it would only bring another person into the picture who could feel the same pain that the two of them did. It wasn't fair to Jordan, and it wasn't fair to Jace.
She was sorry for letting her brother shove himself inside of her, with her back pressed against the stone wall, while she wore a wedding dress and another man's ring. She was sorry for loving it so much, and she was especially sorry for asking him to go faster.
Jace looked at her with all of the pure, unadulterated love that was trying to spill out of him. Clary stared back at him and knew. They both knew.
"God, I've missed you." Clary breathed out, and her tongue ran along his neck. He was the equivalent to fireworks between her thighs, and even when he was three shots away from starting a fight with the groom, he still hadn't forgotten how to make her come undone.
He made her feel like a phoenix learning how to fly. His hips ground harder into hers, her spine rubbing painfully against the solid brick wall. When Jace pulled out of her and her feet planted steadily back on the ground, it felt a lot like goodbye. Her thighs ached from his jerky movements crashing into her, and her heart ached because he did not smile at her. He used to smile after sex.
Clary knew that, by the end of the night, she would have the skin of two different men beneath her fingernails. She didn't smile either. The two of them entered through the door as if nothing had happened, and absently twirled into the middle of the dance floor.
Choking,
choking,
choking on all of their sins.
I feel empty now that this is over… (sigh) Love and shrugs.
-IWriteNaked