"Happy Birthday!!" I chirped, with as much exuberance as I could muster. It's amazing how much of an effort I had to put into sounding like myself.
"I brought you some flowers, balloons, and of course a cake! So, yeah, I brought you roses, I mean you don't have a favorite flower, so I just brought you one of my favorite types of flowers!" I grinned at my own rambling. He would definitely find that amusing, he would tease me mercilessly over that, and yet still let me know that it is one of my most enduring qualities. I smiled at the thought.
I carefully placed the flowers before me and sunk down into the grass. I laid the miniature cake beside me, along with a stuffed animal with the balloons tied around it.
"I..." the lump formed in my throat and I could barely utter the words. "I miss you."
I let the silent tears spill down my cheeks. It was a beautiful release. Carefully, I reached out before me, letting my purple tinted fingernail trace ever so slightly over the letters engraved into the cold, hard stone.
Derek R. Morgan
"I miss you so much." I whispered, as I let my hand fall to my side.
I admired the gravestone before me. It was impeccable and no doubt about it, it was the epitome of Morgan. It was sturdy, simple, and sufficient. Initially the others wanted to go all out with elaborate calligraphy, meaningful quotes, and innumerable adjectives that could be used to describe him. His mother and I were able to talk them into keeping it simple, keeping it to Morgan's liking, the way he would have wanted it. There was one word that we all agreed on, one word that we felt summed up Derek Morgan the best. That word was "hero" and even that didn't do him any justice. It was a word that was used multiple times during his Eulogy five years ago.
I shook my head rigorously. I tried not to think about his funeral often, think about the days leading up to his funeral. I fought it with a vengeance but it was inevitable on days like today. Days where I could feel him, feel his presence and his lack of presence all at the same time. I recalled all the painful memories, all the images of his funeral, everyone dressed in black, except me of course. I had a little color, Derek would have wanted that. I recall the fact that a key member of our team couldn't bear to come, out of guilt I suppose.
I remember those last moments where he was normal, that we were normal. They had been wrapping up a case. He called me and after giving him the information he needed, we had our usual exchange of flirting and terms of endearment. He was in the middle of cracking another joke at my expense when he stopped midsentence. I remember him calling after JJ, asking if she was alright. I remember the sound of wind whipping as he ran in her direction, the thump as he knocked her down, the sound of gunfire, my screaming into the phone frantically, the horrific sound of Morgan's gurgling as the blood filled his lungs.
The tears continue to rush down my face as I recall all the painful memories. The stress of that phone call sent me to the hospital as well. The next time I seen Morgan, he was in the hospital bed, recovering from another surgery. The others were outside of his room and Reid had just come out of his room, his eyes red and swollen but guarded. I brought to him the very thing that kept him alive for that short time. He smiled at me, he told me so many things, but most importantly he told me how much he loved me. Those would be the last words he said to me.
"Mommy, why are you crying?" the question snapped me out of my thoughts.
I looked into the little girl before me, her concerned brown eyes probing mine, impatiently awaiting an answer.
"Mommy's just sad, sweetie. I'll be fine." I smiled at my little angel, pulling her into me and stroking her dark hair.
She was my saving grace, and in a way she was Derek's saving grace to. He was so elated when I told him I was pregnant. He spent hours stroking my hair, his fingers splayed across my extended belly. He would murmur into my stomach, telling her what football teams to root for and what music to listen to. Our last phone call consisted of him teasing me once more for my craving for Chinese food. I had wanted him to bring me some when he returned.
I was eight months pregnant when the stress and my hysteria drove me into labor. I was delivering my daughter, in those exact moments Morgan was having his final surgery. The moments before he died, I brought her into his room and placed her in his arms. He was ecstatic, even through the pain. He was able to hold her those few moments before he succumbed to his fate. He fought hard to hold on, just to see her, and he did. Typical Morgan.
"Morgan, why don't we let mommy have a minute." His voice didn't sound as boyish as it used to be. No questioning the fact that Dr. Reid that Spence, had matured in the past few years. I'd like to think that his last moments with Morgan left an impression on him.
I couldn't help but chuckle as my little girl sighed and pulled away from me, bounding towards Reid.
"Okay Daddy, but you have to read me something!" she raised her eyebrow, waiting for a response.
"Of course Morgan. What are you in the mood for today?"
She paused for half a second before responding "Tennyson, please!"
Reid smirked, he took her hand and his and they made their way back to the car. He turned back and we exchanged a loaded glance, before little Morgan pulled his hand, towing him behind her.
"I love you Derek" I whispered softly before leaning in and placing my lips on the cold stone. "Goodbye" I untied the balloons beside me and released them into the grey skies, gathering the rest of my belongings I glanced back at the tombstone longingly before falling in the footsteps of my family.