A/N: Another favorite DA couple of mine. I love Hawke with Isabela as well, but Merrill is so cute and innocent, how can I not have her with Hawke? They are so adorable together.
Disclaimer: I do not own DA or any of the characters, whatsoever. Rights go to their respective owners.
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A rather large, priceless vase smashed against the wall, a deafening crack followed by the broken pieces littering the ground. Claire Hawke stood mere feet away, breathing heavily with exertion and struggling to hold back her grief and anger, tenuously hanging by a thread. Hands clenched, turning even whiter at the force. Short, shaggy black hair covered her vivid blue eyes like a veil, shielding them from view. She shut her eyes, not wanting to see the evidence of her misplaced emotions. The shattered fragments of the (once) priceless vase reminded her too much of her own broken soul; fragmented heart.
Lips dug deep into a firm pink lip, coaxing blood forcefully to the surface. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the remains of her family, now as dead and gone as the famed Hero of Ferelden. Except her family would not be mourned by strangers, and no statues would be erected in their honor. No, her loved ones would not be remembered, and would slowly fade away into oblivion with the rest of society's deceased. It is my entire fault, she thought bitterly to herself. If I was stronger, better, they could have been spared. But alas, it still happened. Her father, dead three years before the Blight knocked on her doorstep. Then Carver, her brash, reckless brother whom both infuriated and charmed her. He was killed while fleeing, an ogre ripping him to shreds along with their mother's heart. Bethany, her beloved sister, was basically led to her death. If she was not allowed to tag along on the expedition…she would not have been forced to turn into a Grey Warden. Now she would either die a horrible, painful death at the ends of her countless enemies, or she had thirty years tops to survive before she had to commit suicide of sorts, or she would be forever tainted and slowly lose it.
Her mother…Claire swallowed the lump that had taken root in her throat. The image of her mutilated mother, stitched up and reminiscent of Frankenstein's bride, haunted her far more than she cared to admit. She had let that bastard Quentin take her mother, murdering her and fashioning her into the image of his dead wife. She had failed her mom; her family. They counted on her saving their lives but every single time she had only disappointed them. The normally cheerful, optimistic Champion could not contain her overwhelming emotions. Failure. Weakness. Cowardice. Claire bared her teeth; eyes bloodshot from lack of proper sleeping. "I am not fit to bear the title Champion of Kirkwall. It is but a name, a name thrust upon me before we actually participated in the fighting. Now, look at me…I have lost everything…EVERYTHING…that made me the person I am. I cannot even recognize who I am anymore. I do not know who I am."
Claire's eyes clenched together, hot tears burning a path of grief and bone-shattering pain. Her head dropped onto shaking hands, body trembling. She lost herself in a sea of remorse and guilt, the tide threatening to overwhelm her.
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Merrill stopped at the Amell mansion, thin body shivering at the brisk cold air. She wrapped her arms around herself, wishing she had worn something thicker and warmer than the thin clothes she had on. The Dalish elf would have normally thought to bring some, but her thoughts had been on one thing, one person; Claire Hawke. The noble, kind-hearted warrior had swept into her life, a vision in armor and strength. She had stood beside her when the rest of their group hadn't; she had protected her from the ire of Fenris, and Anders, both of whom detested blood magic in any sort of form. They could not seem to understand that Merrill did not use the forbidden magic because she liked it; she did it because it was the only way to save her clan, her family. Claire alone understood just how powerful the emotions behind her actions were. But now…now her beloved champion was all alone, just like Merrill was. No… she has me. And even if she does not want me, or need me…I will always be here.
Steeling her nerves and trying to be the person Hawke needed her to be, she knocked on the door leading to the woman she loved. Minutes passed before the door slowly opened, revealing the kindly dwarf Bodahn. The normally talkative and caring dwarf looked haggard and sad, dark circles hanging underneath his eyes. A frown stood in place of his usual smile. "Hello, Madam Merrill. I am sorry, but Madam Hawke is not…well at the moment. If you would, maybe come back at a later time? Maybe she will be…in better sorts by then." Well, now I know Claire is in bad shape. I must go to her. "Bodahn, I need to see her. I must try to help her, if I can. She has been so, so good to me…I want to repay the kindness." Bodahn still looked unsure, wary of disappointing Claire or even angering her in her precarious state. "Bodahn…I…I love her…. Please, I must see her. I must make this all right."
The dwarf finally nodded, eyes hardening in determination. "Yes, go to her. The master deserves some kindness of her own. Protect her, Merrill. Give her something worth fighting for; worth living for." Merrill locked eyes with him; understanding passing between them. The young elf slowly nodded affirmation, and the trader turned away and walked back to the kitchen. Merrill turned her eyes upward, pass up the staircase. She took a deep breath, gulping audibly. Her feet took her towards her heart, overriding her fears.
The elf stopped before the large oak door, knowing Claire lay beyond. She knocked; waiting. When no answer was forthcoming, she took hold of the knob, opening the door with a creak. She gasped as she saw the state of disarray the room was in, finally settling down on the object of her visit and worry. Hawke was on her knees in the middle of the room, face in hands and weeping. Seeing her warrior broken by grief and the weight of the world, Merrill's heart broke. This was completely unlike the champion. Merrill had to stop this, and return the warrior to her usually vibrant self. Gliding footsteps took her to the bowed woman; the Dalish elf bent down, gathering her frail body onto her own knees before Hawke. She gently grasped the warm, strong hands in her own, pulling them away and clasping them between her own. Their fingers intertwined.
"Come on, Claire; let me see those beautiful blue eyes." It took some coaxing, but Claire finally ceded to the elf's wishes, her tearful eyes meeting the concerned green ones staring into her own. "Please, Merrill…you should not have to see this. I never wanted you to witness my breakdown…." The green eyes softened, one dainty hand going to a pale cheek. "Feeling grief is not something to fear, or be ashamed of. As children, we Dalish teach our young that feeling emotion, whatever it may be, is an essential part of growing. Letting go is only human…er…Dalish? I…have honestly no idea. I am not used to these Ferelden ways…unless coping is different with you?" Seeing the insecurity in the sensitive elf's eyes, Hawke melted inside. "You are right, Merrill. Fereldens are told the same thing. But grief does not always follow the rulebook. Some people do not feel death as violently; others…it nearly incapacitates them. I have lost all of my family…I cannot wrap my head around it. I am well and truly…alone."
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"You still have Bethany, Claire. I know she is…what is the term…Wrey Gardens? But, she is still alive. I know she walks the path of danger, but we do as well. She may not have as long a life span, but at least she has longer to spend with you? Dying on her terms while be far easier to endure than watching her die right in front of you." Here, Merrill tenderly caressed the cheek, grazing the unique scar crossing the bridge of the warrior's nose. "And…you are not alone. Family is important, and can never be replaced. But, although I am unimportant, I am still here if you need me. Forever and always." A calloused hand covered the one on her cheek, squeezing. "Never say you are not important to me. You are the only one besides my family that I truly care about. I value you beyond compare, my dear elf. You, coming here tonight…to check on me…means so, so much to me. I can never thank you enough…" The other hand wraps around the back of Merrill's head, brushing against the dark hair curling about her neck. "But…I can think of a few ways…" Claire brought her mouth within inches of Merrill's; the elf had the urge to gasp but her words were stuck in her throat. Their breaths intermingled, embracing as though they were fated to be together. Merrill stared deep into the blue pools before her. They spoke of light promises underneath a milky- white moon, of oceans crashing against the shore, and a love that would be cherished and fanned for all of eternity.
Merrill let out a little noise that surprisingly sounded like a whimper, and Claire could take the suspense no longer. Her lips crashed against the young elf's, tongue going in for the kill. The skillful caressing of the inexperienced woman's tongue sent Merrill into a dizzying wave of pleasure. She had never before been kissed; she found she quite liked it. Her trembling hands hesitantly lifted up, entangling in Hawke's jet black hair, tightening in the soft strands. Hawke deepened the kiss even further, molding their bodies together. Heat washed through Merrill's body, starting from the areas that her body brushed up against her lovers. Teeth grazed her bottom lip; a moan bubbled out of her mouth and into the warriors. Upon hearing the blessed noise, Claire became almost frenzied in her movements. Lips tangoed and tangled; bruising intensity that transported the women into a world abound with nothing but pleasure.
Finally, after what seemed like hours lost in a shared passion, the two broke apart. Merrill had the biggest blush on her face; the largest Thedas has ever known. She had a silly grin on her face, making her even more adorable to Hawke. The Champion of Kirkwall smiled softly at the elf…her elf. "Thank you, Merrill. Since mother died, I have not been…myself. I had lost what made me…well, me. I had given up on everything. But, you coming here made all the pain, all the despair disappear. You…saved me. You saved me a long time ago. I-I love you, Merrill. I have for a long time now. You have become the reason I wake in the morning, and the reason I fight. I am ruined for all others; I could not bear to be with anyone other than you."
Merrill's eyes teared up at the confession. After being banished by her clan, she had felt unworthy; of friendship, of family…of love. But Hawke had opened up her eyes to how wonderful being in love with someone could be. Even if she could not save her clan…she still had someone in her corner, cheering her on. As the fire burned down, Hawke and Merrill were completely unaware. They had found a way to stave off the cold; wrapped in each other's arms. Even though the pain of losing her family was in no way gone, having the woman that had stolen her heart snuggling against her so contently lessened the intensity. I know you would have loved her, mom. Maybe one day you will meet, face to face.
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