Stay.
-Night.
Tears form silently in the corner of my eyes.
(Don't leave.)
Just as quickly as they formed, they're kissed away. I close my eyes, fight the tears, for I know I can't stop this. I can't make him stay.
And every time again, I promise myself, I promise to the silence, that this time I won't cry about it anymore.
But every time again I do.
(Stay.)
Heat rises to my head, my body flustered. I arch up to the older boy, close my eyes, forget about everything else. There is nothing in the world I want.
I only want him to stay.
(Stay with me forever.)
Heat.
Passion.
Moans.
Whisper his name, because it's the only time he will listen.
(Don't stop this. Don't leave. Don't go away.)
Pain.
Tears.
Screams.
The soothing sound of a hushed 'it's all alright'.
(It's not.)
And after that, when I close my eyes and lay on my bed, exhausted, he doesn't even stay to hug me one more time or something.
No.
He gets up, doesn't even bother to look up at me. He puts on his clothes, cleans up everything.
And I cry. Silently, hoping he doesn't notice, but I know he does.
(Please don't leave.)
"We should stop this," he says suddenly.
I look up, shake my head.
"All you ever do after it is cry," he sighs. "Does it hurt that much?"
"It's not that," I say.
"Then what is it, Kaoru?" he stands up.
And I look at him, dry my tears and whisper sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry because I can't say it. I can't make you stay. I don't know how.
I can't tell you.
(Don't leave.)
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" an icy look stares right through my soul. "If I'm only a reason to make you cry… then…"
"It's not because of you," I quickly say. "It's okay. I'm okay. Everything is fine. Please don't stop with this."
"Okay then," he says, turning around.
At the door he stops for a few seconds.
"Goodnight, Kaoru," he says, before he disappears. "See you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Kyouya-senpai…" I whisper to the empty room, because he's gone before I can say anything.
(Why don't you stay?)
-Cry.
The cup in my hand is fragile. Painfully breakable.
Eyes avert to his, but he doesn't even look up.
Maybe I should throw it to the ground.
Because if I do that, if I start screaming, kicking, crying, yelling, running, I know he'll know there is something wrong. If I just scream, just break things, hurt myself, hurt someone else, then he will know.
He will know there is something wrong.
Kyouya is a kind person, even though he pretends to be not. He will come and ask me this night what was wrong.
If I could only…
But I cannot do that. I simply can't.
So I place a fake smile on my face and place the cup down, giving it to the waiting girl.
(Why won't you look at me now?)
Act.
Lie.
Pretend.
Smile. Keep smiling.
Don't cry.
Don't cry, Kaoru.
(Look at me now.)
Empty.
Pain.
Scared.
Don't cry, Kaoru. Don't cry.
It's fine. Everything is fine.
(It's not.)
I want tonight to come. I want the darkness to take over. I want his shadow falling over my body. I want to feel him again.
I want him to be with me, even when he won't stay.
I want him to be there, I want him to stay.
(Why won't you stay?)
I don't want him to disappear into the shadows again, to leave me alone.
Why… can't he just stay?
-Nothing.
He leaves me nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a footprint in my heart, not even the warmth of his breath, a lingering feeling.
He leaves me nothing.
Not even a dream, a piece of his hair, his scent. Nothing. He erases all evidence that he was there, that we made love, that we were together. He destroys my heart every time again and yet, I can't tell him to stop.
I can't ask him to stay. I can't get the words over my lips, and he doesn't seem like he wants to know.
(Stay.)
Tears start to fall again and he pushes his glasses on his nose, looks at me, almost as if he is blaming me.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
I don't even believe he cares.
"Did I hurt you?" he says, when I refuse to answer.
I shake my head.
(Stay with me forever.)
"Then what is it, Kaoru?!" he turns around.
I keep my mouth closed.
"If you want me to stop, then just tell me," he says. "I don't h-"
"Don't say it."
I found a little of my voice back.
"Say what?"
"Don't say you don't need me. Don't say you don't have to do this. Don't say this isn't necessary."
He looks at me, for one moment, before he looks away, walks to the door, whispers: "I wouldn't lie to you like that," and then closes the door.
But he would lie to me like that. He always does.
(Why don't you stay?)
Dark.
Lonely.
Fear.
Cry. Cry, Kaoru, because no one looks.
(Don't leave.)
Whisper.
Hide.
Die.
Hope that he'll look back and know he won't.
(Why can't you stay?)
-Distance.
I can hear his voice. I can hear him talking to Haruhi. I can hear him say all kind of business relating things.
I'm standing so close to him, so close and he doesn't even see me. We are so close, so close we almost touch, but we don't.
That's the distance.
That's the distance that is always between me and Kyouya. Always. And I never seem to be able to cross it.
Now, in the Host Club, he doesn't even give me a look that is slightly longer then should be. Sometimes, I hardly doubt he even knows I exist here.
I want to touch him, I want him to hold me, I want him to stay with me.
But I can't. I can't tell him that.
"Kaoru?" he looks up at me, icy, cold, distant. "Is there a problem?"
And I shake my head, because talking to him is simply impossible, but before I can dash off, he grabs my hand, and leans closer.
"I won't come tonight," he whispers.
My eyes widen, but I only nod. It's no use. This is of no use.
He doesn't want me to cry anymore and I don't want him to leave anymore. But we can't say it, both of us can't. So I walk off, like there's nothing wrong and he continues working.
(Don't leave me when you weren't even there.)
Break.
Fade.
Disappear.
Be quiet Kaoru, because he might hear you if you say something now.
(Don't leave. Stay.)
Desperate.
Relief.
End.
I can't even put up a fake smile anymore.
(Why can't you stay?)
-End.
That night, he didn't come anymore. I waited there anyway, in the cheap hotel room. But he didn't show up.
He left me nothing.
Not even a warning. Not even a tear. Nothing. Just nothing.
All I wanted was for him to stay. All I wanted was for him to love me. All I wanted was him.
Why couldn't I tell him? Why couldn't I tell him? Why?
The bed feels cold under my fingertips, and the heating isn't even turned on. I feel like I'm going to freeze to death, but I simply don't care.
The only thing he left me is some memories. Memories of his lips on mine, of his hands sliding over my body. Memories of being pressed against the wall, of hushed sounds, of silence, painful silence, of noise, heated noise.
Memories of him and me. Memories of all that would never really be.
(Why can't you stay?)
I fall on the bed, cry alone, cry because I couldn't tell him.
(Stay.)
Night.
Shadow.
Moon.
Be everything you cannot be, because he's gone now.
(Stay with me forever.)
Gone.
Left.
Away.
I'm nothing now, because he's gone before I even told him.
-Love.
I used not to care. It was a game before, and I didn't even care that he always left. We made love, in the weirdest of places, and then he would leave. He would leave and he would be gone.
Gone.
Nothing would be left. Only the feeling that my knees would fail me any time, that I would just melt down by only the thought of what happened. He only left me memories, because not even he can rip that away from me.
My memories are the only thing that's left. And I swear I won't ever forget.
I love him. With whole my heart, I do. I just… can't tell him that. I don't think he wants to know. I don't think he'd care. I don't think he wants to be loved.
Host Club hours are hell, because I can't stand to look at his face, to look at the way he walks, to look at how he is so perfectly fine when I'm so perfectly broken. I can't stand the sad look in his eyes when he glances over to me, before his expression freezes again and he looks away.
At night, I don't even have a pillow that smells like him to hold close to me until I fall asleep. I don't even have a photograph where he smiles for me. I don't even have a little, worthless, stupid thing that reminds me of him.
I have nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
(Why didn't he stay?)
- Stay.
It's dark outside. The lights in the Host Club are still on. I'm still there and so is he. I pack my stuff, quick, nervously.
I want to leave, even when I want to stay with him.
I fling my bag around my shoulder, almost run towards the door when –
"Stay."
Freeze.
"W-What?"
My voice sounds like it doesn't belong to me.
"Won't you stay with me for a few more moments?"
I slowly turn around.
"Sure," I smile, before I slowly walk back, place my bag onto the ground and sit down.
He looks upon me, with these dark, dark eyes. We stay silent, but I don't care. I don't care about anything as long as he's there.
"I guess I own you an apology," he suddenly says.
And I simply stare at him, with eyes that refuse to believe what they see and ears that must've gone astray.
"For what?" I manage to say after minutes and minutes of complete silence.
"For leaving you alone," he says simply, typing further.
I swallow and look away. I want to tell him not to worry, tell him that I love him still. But at times like these, I guess I'm doomed to just sit there and say nothing.
"I won't leave anymore."
He stands up, walks over to me.
"I'll stay with you."
He kisses me, breaks away and smiles. He finally says what I wanted to hear for so long.
"Forever."
When tears start to form in my eyes once more, he gives a small jab on my forehead.
"But then you'll have to promise me something too."
Of course, merit, merit, merit. I smile through my tears, because he's back. He's back and just like he was before. And I love him for that, now, yesterday, and in the far, far future still.
"What promise?"
"Promise me you'll never cry again," and his eyes soften while he says that.
"Hm!" I nod as I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer.
And I'm sure I'll be able to keep this promise. Because, really, if he stays with me, there's nothing in this world that could hurt me.
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Yaaay! ANOTHER KyouKao from me! XD Well, I actually wrote this one a long time ago, but I disliked it then, because it was ... I don't know. I just didn't like it. But, since Demi said it was okay to take stories and squirm the into challenges and so support the club I'm in one S.H.I.N.E, I decided to post it anyway! XD
This is done for the KyouKao fanclub on S.H.I.N.E. Please join the forum, it's really, really a lot of fun! There's a link on top of my profile, so please go and take a look, okay? XD Thank you very much! This was for my own challenge, the opposite challenge, with the words 'go' and 'stay'. I thought it fitted.
Please leave a review! XD
- Jazy,
Leader of the red Squad, protecter of the KyouKao-ness -self-proclaimed title- and the girl who has to write 62 more stories to own half the KyouKao section.