The cries for help grow louder and far more desperate as I pass through the over furnished living room. Such an elegant place, the victors' mansion. Still, a memory of the capitol, I would have it bombed. But at this point I kind of have a bad taste for bombs.
To be placed in the victors' mansion is something of a bitter sweet achievement. Congratulations, you've been successfully broken down to an animal state so that you may survive; you can live in the fancy house.
It's not all bad though. The most beautiful girl in the world lives here. Katniss Everdeen. My catnip. The thought brings me back to that childhood memory… A scream interrupts my pleasant flashback.
"Help me!" I know that voice.
Where is she! My eyes dart across the room. No sign of her anywhere. It doesn't even look as if this room has been touched. Curse this fucking place.
"Katniss!" My voice desperately reaching out for hers.
Bread boy better not be the cause of this- The strong smell of blood hits me in the face. I follow the scent to the dining room. It's not long before I see it. A puddle. On the floor. Handprints on the walls. It looks like the studio of a cannibalistic artist. Horror floods my face as I realize who the blood must belong to. Panic sets in. This cant be happening.
"PEETA STOP! Why are you doing this?!" Her breath is labored; she's been running. Judging from the scene she has lost a lot of blood. She doesn't have much more time…
"Who ya gonna call? Haymitch? I'm sure he's drunk of hiss ass. Gale? Last time I checked he abandoned you and left you for dead. No one cares about you. No one can help you sweetheart. You've got nowhere left to go. You killed my family. Now I kill you. Fair deal, right? Good."
The words are cold and heartless followed by a dark laugh. All this more evil than I would imagine Peeta being capable of. They are close.
"Gale…Why did you leave me…Why did you abandon me Gale?! I needed you! I need you! Come home… It'll be okay!" Katniss sobs her last words.
"Enough." Peeta retorts.
I'm too late. As I enter the kitchen I see her limp body fall to the floor. He nonchalantly steps over her and starts cleaning his blade on the table cloth.
"Katniss..." My voice cracks.
My knees buckle. I begin to tremble. My body seems to have taken in what just happened much faster than my mind. Katniss… She needed me. I was her last hope. I was supposed to be here to protect her. I abandoned her. Yet she still called out for me. I was still the last face she envisioned before...
"Oh. Hello Mr. Big shot. I didn't even notice you there. I guess it's not shocking that you stood by and let this happen. I mean, that's all your good at. Standing to the side while Katniss suffers. Right? Smooth move." Peeta laughs.
He gestures to her body on the floor "This. This is what you came for? You decided to come and change things. Of all times. Hoping that she would leave me for you, and forgive you for everything? Well. Even if that were the case. She's a little dead now. Check out your luck." He makes a mock sad face.
"Oh poor Katniss was always conflicted. Even with you gone. Do you know how fucking annoying that is? To have to share someone's heart. Oh. Well. I suppose you do. Just join her asshole. So this damn thing can finally come to an end." The boy with the bread, as Katniss always remembered him, drove the knife into my heart and ended the drawn out love triangle.
As the life drains out of me and I begin to fall forward I hear him mutter softly. "Here's a fun fact for the road, the venom left my system before the capital was even bombed. You killed Prim and sent Katniss straight into my arms. Thanks buddy. But she really was such a bore."
Peeta's evil laugh continues to ring in my ears as I'm jolted awake from my nightmare. This one was by far the worst. I think to myself, as I watch my body tremble, shake, and convulse on impulse. I shakily take a gulp of my whiskey, a habit I picked up from being around Haymitch for a short time. It was a way for dealing with life and all the bullshit that came with it.
It was just a dream but Peeta's words still pissed me off. At least in reality I know he loves her. That's one thing I feel can be sure about. Knowing Katniss has someone who loves her and cares about her. Even if it's not me.
I make my way to the balcony. This waxing moon over district you makes my mind wonder. Where is she tonight? Another question I ask that I already know the answer to. She's in bed. With Peeta.
I glare at the brown liquid, famous for making the pain go away. What a load of shit. It doesn't really help at all.
The way my emotions are running lately is strange to me. I'm usually in control. But right now I definitely am not. This becomes evident as I my sadness turns to anger without warning.
After beating hole in the walls with my head and my fist I'm sure I've lost it. With the last bit of my dying rage I heave the bottle at the wall. As it shatters to a million pieces so do my hopes of ever being happy again.
Without warning my knees buckle and tears begin to fall. First softly, "I didn't kill Prim…" Then with force, "I DIDN'T KILL PRIM!" But no. I couldn't prove that. Nor was I sure who I was trying to prove it to. Myself, or Katniss?
I was in the briefing room, I gave ideas. Sure. But Coin twisted it. This was her doing! I had nothing to do with it. I didn't know the plans until they were already being executed! Even knowing the truth I cant face Katniss. I know I hold the blame. I didn't stop Coin. I couldn't save Prim. I failed Catnip. And I accept that.
"But I didn't abandon you!" I find myself breaking the silence. "I merely did what I thought would make you happy. With both me and Peeta around you would be a wreck. You would be confused. Your heart would be torn and I just couldn't do that to you. That's no way to live. For any of us." I do my best to justify my mistakes to the quiet darkness. "He makes you happy and he takes care of you. And he does it well. I'm a big boy. I'm mature enough to realize who the better man is."
After a long pause, "I only want you to be happy. I hope one day you realize this. And I pray you don't hate me for it. I love you Catnip…"
Those last words were swallowed up by my pillow. Fortunately, the sleep doesn't last long. I'm shaken awake with a new sense of purpose. But as I rise I become instantly aware that my adrenaline rush is gone. My head hurts and my hands feel broken.
"Holy fuck." I groan as I stumble to the bathroom. Paying little attention to the scalding water, my gaze is focused on the drain, watching the water was away my dried blood, regrets, and failures. Today things change. I hope.
Dripping wet I half walk half slide to the sink and wipe away the fog, only to be confused by what I see. This man in my mirror is a stranger. There is a pain in his eyes that is unfamiliar. His eyes, even, are unfamiliar. They are hazy and dull. Something only heartache and alcohol can cause.
It's been 4 long years since the last time I saw my bestfriend. Catnip was my foundation. She meant the world to me. Without her I have simply been lost. I think it's time I find myself.
"I should shave." I say out loud to break the silence. I at least want to look presentable when I ruin her day.
At the train station dozens of different looks are shot my way. Some pity me. Some accuse me of the events that happened. The lives that were lost. Some are just confused. Why do I have the nerve to show my face after all these months of being holed up drinking my life away. Instead of facing their looks, I simply turn my gaze to the ground. I'm not sure why things are the way they are. The answers these people want I simply cant give them.
There's the whistle. And the trembling earth. With one last silent goodbye to my poor excuse of a life, I board the train, in search of a new one.
Hours pass. Several of them. I don't sleep though. The ride to District 12 is actually a scenic one. I enjoy looking out the window and seeing the country still working together to rebuild. Striving make a better life for all of panem.
I can't help but think how selfish I've been. Wallowing in my own self misery when I could have been outside helping these people. The rebellion is something I contributed to greatly. I should have been here this whole time fixing the damage dealt to the districts. But alas, no need to pile on more regrets. I just need to relax.
The closer I get to 12 the faster my heart starts to beat. I still get nervous every time I see her. She has this beauty that you never really get used to. I begin to question what I'm doing. What will I say. How can I get her to forgive me. Do I even deserve to be forgiven?
I slap myself out of this train of thought. I'm just gonna go in there and say what I need to say. If she accepts it great, if she doesn't, I'll at least get to say I tried. I don't expect anything. It's not like I'm going to waltz in and steal her away. I'm very aware of the life she has made in my absence. It may hurt, but I need to respect that.
Even so. I cant help but wonder what it must be like. To gaze into those beautiful eyes. To put my lips to hers. To kiss my innocent angel as Peeta has done so many times before. The past is the past though. I don't care what she's done. I have a hunger only she can satisfy. Nothing else matters.
I shudder at the thought of finally being able to hold her. District 12 is cold as hell. It's definitely cuddling weather. She will need a real man to keep her warm at night.
I step off the train and I'm swarmed with even more looks. But these are different. None are angry or accusing. They are all just sorrowful. As if they know what I have lost. And they probably now I'm not going to like what I see when I find it.
I'm prepared for that. Before I reach her house I'm cut off by Haymitch. Not as drunk as usual. A compliment.
"Well look who it is." He says flatly. He's got that same look in his eyes. "Long time no see boy."
"How you holding up old man?" I joke.
"I can sit here and chat weather, relief effort, or any other news you'd like to use to beat around the bush. Or I can take you where you want to go so you can do what you need to do. No one is stupid. We all know why you've come back." He has always been one to cut right to the chase I suppose.
"Follow me." It's more of an order than an invitation.
"Where are-" I start.
"Look son. Go down this road about half a mile. You'll find what you're looking for. Do what you gotta do. You've been gone too long. Much too long." He turns away and starts heading home.
"One more thing Gale." He adds. "Don't kill him." And with that he disappeared in the winter fog.
"I'll do my best." I mutter under my breath.
By the time I reach the house the sun is setting. A winter sunset isn't the prettiest thing in the world. I guess the ugly gray storm clouds don't help too much. It feels more like the aftermath of a gruesome war than a cheerful winter wonderland. Perhaps that will change.
I ring the doorbell, entirely unsure of myself. My confidence was gone. My self assurance was gone. I was weak and exposed and not ready. But I stood my ground. The door swung open and there stood Peeta.
He glared at me, and I glared at him. The tension could slice your throat. We were like two wolves determining who would lead the pack.
"Mellark." I acknowledge him.
"Hawthorne. Come in." He scowls, knowing he cant turn me away. "Let's talk. It's been a while."
"That it has bread boy. That it has." I follow him in and shut the door on my old pathetic life. It's now or never I suppose.