Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
A/N: Pokemon reference in the first sentence? That's scandalous like Team Rocket!!!
Also, there's another reference in this fic to a rather awesome anime/manga series that stares Freddie Mercury...it's pretty blatant, if you've watched the series. I mean, it's the only part that doesn't make sense here...
In one of the main hallways of Hueco Mundo...
"Tia Harribel...I choose YOU to be my queen!!!"
The buxom young woman known as Tia Harribel casually brushed a strand of golden-blonde hair out of her eye as she turned to face the man who had dared to make such a ridiculous claim. As she expected, it was Barragan Luisenbarn, the Segunda Espanda A.K.A. the grumpy, old geezer of Hueco Mundo. He was surrounded by all six of his loyal fracción, each of them wielding a large wrapped package. Harribel raised a wire-thin eyebrow in confusion; just what the hell was going on here?
"Tia Harribel..." Barragan's voice was unbearably gruff, as if he had rubbed his throat down with sandpaper, "Like many of the other Espada, I have been sexually attracted to you for quite a while. As I am a king, I figured it was only proper for me to have a queen by my side so I can be more at ease while ruling my vast army. As you are the only female suited for such a job, I have decided to request your aid. You should feel honored to have been offered such a worthy position by my side...! Will you accept it?!"
Harribel smacked her palm to her face, and sighed. "You're not a king...how long are you going to remain disillusioned like this?"
"Silence! The queen does not speak so rudely to her husband!!" Barragan barked back. He was stubborn one, for sure.
"...I am not your queen..."
"Yes, you are."
"...No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"NO!!!"
Barragan sighed, and looked over his shoulder towards Choe Neng Poww. "Meh...she's a bit hard to deal with, it seems. Luckily, I know just how to win women over. Present her with the first gift, my boy!!" he ordered.
Poww bowed his head. "Yes, your majesty..." He slowly began shuffling his feet up to Harribel.
'A...gift?' Harribel thought, thoroughly confused now. Just what was Barragan planning? if anything, she hoped that these presents were good.
Getting down on one knee, Poww held the package out in front of Harribel. "For you, my queen..."
Without bothering to tell him that she wasn't his queen, Harribel tore open the box. It was...a very skimpy bra, fashioned out of rotting Shinigami skin. Upon closer inspection, the blonde realized that there were little slits where her nipples were supposed to go.
"So," Barragan grinned behind that thick moustache of his, "Do you like it, my queen?"
Poww had no time to react as Harribel's hand connected with the side of his face, sending him flying through the wall with ease. The wall crumbled to pieces in seconds, burying the large fracción and his gift underneath the rubble. The other fracción were immediately sent into a state of complete and total shock. Barragan was only slightly disappointed.
Stark's eyes remained shut as he continued to sing, his fingers gracefully strumming the tiny ukulele.
"La al al la la lala ala la la lal al la la la la..."
Suddenly, he let out a gasp, and his eyes snapped open. He tossed his ukulele high into the air, threw his head back, and screamed at the top of his lungs:
"OH MY GOD...THIS IS A NON SEQUITUR!!!!"
"Hmm...you didn't like the bra, huh? I'm surprised...no matter, though, as I have many more gifts for you, my queen," Barragan grumbled, and then he motioned for Avirama Redder to step forward.
"Alright!" boasted the red-haired fracción, "I'm gonna give it my all!!!"
Following Poww's lead in presentation, Avirama got down on one knee, and graciously offered out the box to the female Espada.
Inside the box was a gigantic necklace fashioned from the teeth of several Menos Grande.
"...I can't wear this...it's too big..." Harribel muttered sadly.
"Just gain some neck fat...I recommend it!" Avirama suggested with a wide grin.
A few moments later, Avirama was lying on the floor, his face smashed into the tiles. Tears began to leak out of Ggio Vega's eyes; if he had to go up next, he was definitely going to be killed. If he wasn't currently in the presence of his esteemed leader at the moment, he would have probably broken down into full-out weeping right then and there. Harribel was just too scary. But...why did he have to act so OOC about it?
'Please, don't pick me! Please, don't pick me! Please, don't-'
"Alright," Barragan heaved a hallowed sigh, "Ggio...it's your turn to impress the queen with your gift!!"
"...Goddammit..." Ggio muttered under his breath as he knelt down before Harribel, too afraid to even look her in the eye. Slowly, the blonde woman unwrapped the box, Ggio shaking violently all the while. What appeared to be a small book was the only thing to be found within the box. It was a guide on how to have a successful night of lesbian sex.
Like the last two unfortunate fracción before him, Ggio was beaten down, this time by being sent flying through the ceiling. All that was left on the spot he had been standing in only moments ago was a small chunk of his Hollow mask. Even Barragan was becoming a bit unnerved now; things were definitely not looking good for him...
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A few hours later...
Charlotte Cuuhlhourne let out a loud, high-pitched shriek as Harribel slammed her foot into his crotch, sending him crashing to the ground in an instant. He was the last of Barragan's fracción to have presented a gift, and in the end, Harribel had no accepted a single one of them.
"GAAAAH!!! YOU...YOU SMASHED MR. TWINKS!!!" Charlotte screamed in between heavy sobs, but a well-aimed kick to the face immediately brought an end to his wailing.
"W...W...Why?" Barragan stammered, terribly shocked by the unfortunate outcome of his "fool-proof" plan, "Why did you not take any of the gifts I hand-picked out just for you, my queen...?"
"You want to know my reason?" Harribel snarled, a dangerous glint in her eyes.
Barragan nodded. "Yes! Tell me...before I must FORCE you to become my queen!"
Harribel tilted her head slightly to the right, and crossed her arms over her bulging chest. "It's because...I don't like old men."
Barragan's self-esteem was completely shattered that day.