Disclaimer: I don't own Sailormoon. Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha, and Toei do. DIC and Pioneer are the American license holders. I don't own Julius Caesar. William Shakespeare does (although I suppose he wouldn't sue me since he's dead). I also don't own A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. Mark Twain does. Also, don't be offended if I make fun of you in some small way in this. I guarantee you I make fun of myself just as much… unless your name is Usagi.
Warning: This fanfiction contains references to inside jokes and major themes concerning a certain school play I have participated in. If you don't understand it, well, you'll live, and if you don't, I warned you.
[Curtain opens and play begins. It is the final dress rehearsal before opening night and the play is in shambles. The director decided a long while back just to let whatever happened happen and see what it ended up being. Since it was a dress rehearsal, no one could figure out why there was an audience, but the point is: there is one.]
The beautiful Usagi was resting under a spreading elm tree, one autumn day, when she heard a terrible sound and looked back.
"Who art thou that hast disturbed my slumber?" Usagi uttered indignantly.
"I bite my thumb at you. You who hast foiled my plans for the final time! Now I shalt unleash my ultimate power." A mysterious woman clad in all black robes said.
"Surely the ultimate power of which you speak is not that which summons a different monster depending on which day of the week it is?"
"That's not all it does you naughty knave…well…the color of the monster dost change with the days of the year as well!"
Ominous piano music plays in the background
"Prepare to meat thy doom!!!"
The enigmatic female thrust her black toga like garment on to the grass right in front of the tree about which Usagi had been napping, "Monster come forth!"
Suddenly a giant monster leaped out from beneath the cloak. It was green and slimy, it breathed fire, and it had one big eye…right here! (Narrator hits his forehead with clenched fist and nearly passes out from the blow.)
"SHOW ME THE STREAM," was yelled out by no one in particular.
"Wait," Usagi said looking quizzical. "Isn't this the same beast I fought last week. Yes, except that one was red, I think."
A small fuchsia sweat drop appears on the female foe's face, "Shuddup. It is not the same. This monster can speaketh and transform itself into human form!!!!"
"Really?"
"No."
"Darn, I was looking forward to a challenging battle."
"Grrrrr." Said the monster, eyeing Usagi as if she were an entree placed in front of him after having consumed a less than satisfying appetizer.
"Oh shut up," said a short boy wearing a ponytail that everyone had so far failed to notice. "You're not a flying purple people-eater, but if we took two large pieces of coral, painted them brown, and attached them to your head with wood screws, you would sort of resemble a moose."
A large flash of pink light engulfs the field
"I fightest for love and justice. I be-est the one known commonly as Sailor Moon, and thou hast ruined my off-day for the last time!"
The young boy rubbed his eyes furiously, "Was the flash of pink light really necessary?"
"You are all fools, prepare to die!" The enemy woman took out a sword and lunged at them.
"Merlin, stop him!" one of the elm tree's branches shook and King Arthur fell off it onto the ground. "I mean… Perhaps we could jog! Or, or, or…. Replace the sun in the sky and…..no, that's not it either. Oh well!" with that Arthur climbed back up into the tree.
"Did anyone else notice that King Arthur was wearing a black hat that said "JACKY" in white lace on the front instead of a crown?" asked the unidentified boy who had gotten such a small role that his character didn't even have a name and who was obviously cast only for his ability to imitate chickens.
The boy again went unnoticed.
"Prepare to die!" the commonly called "angry" but actually just "misunderstood" antagonist cried as she took another baby step in the general direction of Sailor Moon. "I seem to be saying that a lot. Is there anyway we can get that changed? Hello? Director?"
"You won't be saying anything after we get through with you," said four shadowy figures in unison. They were using pretty clear English for being German-born. "We are the Sailor Scouts!"
"Big surprise," the yet unnamed evil girl said flatly.
"Great," said Sailor Moon, nonplussed.
"I'll still kill you."
"Oh. Morgan, my dear sister," said a confused voice from the tree.
"What. My name isn't Morgan." Said the bad girl.
"Young lady, at this point in the game, we don't stop for anything. You go with whatever is said. I am tired of stopping the whole production for this sort of thing!" the furious director said.
"but…."
"Action!" The director slunk back to his easy chair and Diet Coke.
"Morgan Le Fay, I'll teach you to destroy nature and hurt innocent woodland creatures." Sailor Moon said ditzily." (Is that a word? Does anyone know? It's like the adverb form of ditzy. Anyway….)
"But I didn't do either of those things," the reluctant Morgan said in exasperation. She decided she had had enough of this inching toward Sailor Moon so on a whim she threw her sword at the magical girl's heart.
"YOU THREW A SWORD AT ME!" Sailor Moon screamed in shock.
However, before the sword could pierce Usagi's pale flesh, it was struck down by an orange rose.
"Predictable," said another boy with particularly long hair. This one, however, did have a name at some point, but no one could remember it. I vaguely recollect it having something to do with dried out bloody skin….
A man wearing what looked to be an aqua hall tapestry burst on to the scene.
"Tuxedo Mask!" the Sailor Scouts feigned in unison. All of their eyes turned to pink hearts. The boy whose name escapes me at the moment pondered over this new eyewear wondering what kind of contact lens solution could produce that effect before choosing a girl to chase over the hillside.
"Hey. How come he was cast as tuxedo Mask?" Arthur poked his head down from his branch revealing his pouty lip.
"CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU ARE ALL FASHION OPPRESSED!" the voice of the over-bearing costume designer was unmistakable. "We've got Arthur up there wearing a purple polyester shirt and a hat from you know where, and now Lancelot is wearing a piece of cloth that looks like it was randomly flung at him at the last minute. I see a dragon in green fish net hose, a slave who is dressed like she needs to leave early so she can make an appearance at a Christmas party at which flaming desserts will be served, and don't even get me started about that purple sash! [Grumble. Breath. Grumble. Breath. Exhale slowly.] Now, where's my tight gold fabric….?"
Tuxedo Mask, who would at this time like to make it known that his real name is not Darien its John W. D., trotted over to his love.
"Oh TM, are you hear to rescue me?" Sailor Moon said in that voice she only actually used in that first episode before they brought in Terry Hawks.
"Actually Sailor Moon, I have a confession to make…. I am cheating on you…. with sailor Venus."
Gasps rose from the crowd.
"Let us depart, my love," Daigle…. I mean Darien, put his arm around Venus and they walked off into the sunset together. Venus twisted a lock of her blonde hair around her finger in a very May West fashion. She wondered if Darien was trying to make Usagi jealous or he was just on crack because she certainly didn't like him. However, she went along anyway because she was tired of being a super heroine and chatting back stage seemed so much more exciting.
"Dangit. Dangit. Dangit. I knew that *Bleep* [this story has been edited for content] would steel him from me someday. She's just mad that our author cheated her out of being the moon princess. I hate her!"
"Sure, now she drops the stupid accent" noted the unnamed boy.
In her moment of heart wrenching anger and sorrow. Sailor Moon took off her tiara and threw it on the ground to stamp on it. However, she missed the ground and hit Morgan in the head.
"Wow that worked nicely. Ill have to remember that move," Sailor Moon made a mental note of thew potency of flying head gear.
"Ahhhhhhhh! You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things, you have foiled my plans again, but someday I will…" Morgan stammered.
"Dude, you were the loser. You don't get a monologue." Sailor Mercury said in her matter of fact voice.
Morgan Le Fey pulled a gun out of nowhere and pointed it at Mercury's head, "I will say what I want to, when I want to. I don't care what the script says. This is a loaded KA-47 double barrel shotgun, and its pointed at your unnaturally blue hair. You have to ask your self, 'Do I feel lucky?'" Morgan laughs maniacally, though her lips don't move due to bad dubbing
Thinking quickly, Sailor Mercury pulls a blue harp from behind her butt and lobs it at Morgan Le Fey, rendering her unconscious.
"MY HAIR IS NATURRALLY BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mercury shrieked in as angry a tone as she could muster. "And the AK-47 is not a shot gun." She finished back in her smooth know-it-all composure.
"If she had a gun, then why did she even bother with that stupid sword," the nameless boy wondered aloud. He obviously had too much sense to be in this esteemed production so a self-absorbed slave trader who looked strikingly like Elton John was called in to remove him immediately. The slave trader was then chased off the set by two insanity driven women who were both named after bodily annoyances.
Random sake-drinking lady walks across the stage muttering obscenities in French.
"Oh Arthur, where art thou? Come back! Come back!" Guenevere ran across the field dragging the curtain closed behind her.
[End Production.]
[The audience all clapped and eventually gave the show a standing ovation. It was not, however, because they enjoyed the play, but rather because they always gave standing ovations and the younger, less mature grades, made a competition out of standing first and starting the standing ovation.]
The moral of the story is don't make fun of the soldering iron of justice and sofa beds should be illegal because they have pagan roots.
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