Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor the characters associated. I do not benefit from any source of revenue due to the writing of this story.
Note: The story used to be labelled humor, but situations that couldn't be brought to a humorous light curtailed the opportunity to present it, and the story devolved into a mess of serious and untimely humor. If you can see this note, every chapter has hence been revised and most of the content rewritten. A very silly scene with Naruto vs Shukaku in the prologue will remain, as an example to what the story was like.
April 2019: I notice this story is getting a lot of clicks because of my other story, Ascendance, but it's a bit embarrassing. Here's your warning: this isn't written to the same level.
Prologue
The best kept secret is the one consistently
revealed and never believed.
"Told you I'd beat Neji," Naruto said, leaning against the railing of the chunin exam arena. Thousands of spectators from around the globe watched with bated breath as the Uchiha survivor and the Kazekage's son duked it out on the grounds below, cheers erupting every-so-often whenever a particularly nasty hit was struck - though the two were more blocking and dodging than anything else at the moment.
His teammate, Sakura, shook her head with a sigh. "I know."
"I mean, I really beat him good, huh?"
"Yes."
Naruto grumbled. "I'm going to be Hokage, you know." Besides Sakura, Ino laughed quietly.
"Sure," Sakura rolled her eyes, trying to ignore him. If she didn't feed him, he'd shut up eventually. Naruto was just wandering around after his fight and seemed intent to bother her a little bit more insistently than usual.
The crowd began muttering incessantly as things ramped up below, in the arena. Glancing back down to the fight, Naruto observed Gaara hidden within a ball of sand. "That looks uncomfortable," he muttered. Sasuke had run up the wall opposite them at some point, settled into an awkward semi-crouching stance. "What's he doing?"
"The chidori," Kakashi said, having silently stood by Naruto's backside.
"You taught him the chidori?" Naruto asked, eye cocked. He nodded. "What a waste of time," the blond said.
"Shut up please," Sakura said, arms crossed and tense. It was difficult to focus on the fight when Naruto was so loud, and she was rather interested in this one. "I want to watch Sasuke destroy the sand monster in peace."
Naruto hummed, decided to do as asked and fell silent for the moment.
"You really taught him chidori?" That was Gai, who was even louder. Sakura twitched miserably. Naruto hadn't even noticed him arrive.
"As if you can speak," Kakashi said, and gesturing to the bandaged mini-Gai besides the green-clad man. "Right Lee?"
A murmur of appreciation rippled through the crowd as the Uchiha surged down the wall and towards the ball of sand.
"That's some impressive speed," Naruto said, whistling in appreciation. "I wish I was that fast."
"Of course," Sakura and Ino rebuked, only pausing to glance at the other before placing their eyes back on to the spectacle. Gaara could evidently spy his incoming opponent, for spikes thick, large and made of sand burst from his bubble with high accuracy and velocity. It would only be due to Sasuke's sharingan that he so easily anticipated them, ducked and pushed forward into and through the sand casing.
The world paused as all eyes were set on the arm halfway through the bubble of sand. Some seemed absurdly shocked, while others - such as Kakashi - watched with a fulfilled expectation.
Then, time resumed as Sasuke was pushed back violently by a humongous arm, pulsing with blue veins of chakra and decorated with sharp claws.
"It's the one-tails," Naruto said, leaning back and frowning.
Kakashi placed a hand on Naruto's shoulder and leaned close. "You have permission."
"I know," Naruto said. "Finally."
"Hey, wait!" Sakura said. "Where do you think you're go-"
"Try not to die Sakura-chan!" Naruto said. With a grin, he stepped on to the rails around the arena and dived inside.
Sakura blinked dumbly. "What is he doing? They're still fighting!"
Naruto turned to the Hokage's box above the audience as he fell. The room exploded - a dozen ninja fleeing, two in decorative robes, and he observed as an arena made of bright purple barriers sprung up far above the crowd.
He clicked his tongue as he landed in a roll, coming to his feet. If anybody can handle themselves, it's the hokage - best not worry about it. "Oi, Gaara!"
The red-head was invisible, buried within a rapidly shifting, large expanse of sand. He grew, and grew, and grew before the blond's gaze until the behemoth was fully formed. Reaching even larger heights than the tall walls of the arena and casting a shadow that even reached the crowd, the sand tanuki was just about big enough to be bad.
"Sooo... how's it going?" Naruto asked, eye cocked. Sasuke gave him a sour look as he backed off to the edge of the arena.
"What's happening?" he asked, observing the sudden influx of fights on the stands around and through the crowd. "Is that the sand? The sound too? Why are we under attack?!"
Naruto shrugged off his glare. "The 'why' doesn't matter. Go help Sakura or something, unless you're scared you can't handle fighting a real ninja, ne Sasuke?"
He clenched his fists. "And leave you to take care of this? Sorry Naruto, but you're not as strong as you think you are."
Naruto opened his mouth ready to retort, but the option was taken away from him by Kakashi calling from the stands. "Get up here Sasuke!" The Uchiha tched and quickly made his way up the wall to his mentor, not sparing the blond a second glance.
"Good luck dobe."
Naruto couldn't prevent the eye twitch. "Dobe this, dobe that... I'll show you, duck-butt. I'm going to be Hokage, you know!"
"You!"
The gigantic sand tanuki took a heavy step that sent the surprised blond desperately diving out of the way, tumbling and reeling. "Ow..." he said, rubbing his head. "Don't be such an ass, Gaara!"
"Ant!" the raccoon roared, "bring out the nine-tails before I CRUSH you!"
"Jeez..." Naruto said, "calm down, dude. Give it a second." He took the moment to run his hands down his jacket, smoothing over the ruffled and stretched sleeves from his bouncing around the floor. The sand biju waited somewhat patiently, surprisingly.
It was then that he noticed the lull in the fighting, and Naruto realized what had happened. The stadium was huge, sure, but the Tanuki was big too - and his voice carried. "There goes that secret," Naruto muttered, clapping his hands together. "Not that it was going to last any longer anyway."
A scrawl of fuinjutsu erupted into visibility all over his skin. Around his hands, his wrists, his neck and face. Everywhere that was exposed. Then, it disappeared, and in its place roared chakra - golden in color, thick and wild, forming a cloak.
The cloak was so wild and so abrupt that even the one-tails - as large and indomitable as it was - took an unconscious step back.
He heard the quick conversations, which at this distance were barely whispers. Most ended with 'later, this isn't the time' or 'this was a bad idea.'
"It's nice to let it out," Naruto said, a wide smile decorating his face. "You have no idea how much practice I've had sitting still while perverts draw kanji on me. Ichibi, meet Kyuubi. Kyuubi shut the fuck up and do what I say." For a moment, the aura exploded outwards, tinged orange, but with a single calm breath, it receded. "Asshole," he muttered.
The Ichibi growled, moved forward and twisted - sending his large, battering-ram tail directly towards the blond. In the tanuki's mind, the blond was screwed if it landed, so he produced a monstrous grin as he passed the point of no return and the blond hadn't budged.
It made it all the more shocking when he caught it and hadn't been moved an inch.
"You have an interesting genin," Orochimaru said, watching with keen interest as the Ichibi was thrown out of the stadium shrieking, just to land on one of many vacated buildings around the stadium and producing an earth-shattering quake. "If he even is a genin."
"He was participating in the chunin exams," said the Third. Bereft of his ceremonial robes, the old man stood with arms crossed and clad in his battle armor, a remnant of darker times. "He can only be a genin."
"If you say so." Orochimaru promptly ignored it and looked the Hokage up and down with a feral grin. "I notice you expected your death."
The third grunted, and the roof began cracking. The efforts of the two gathering their chakra destroyed the structure beneath them, little by little. Flakes of the tiling gathered around them as they stared, the third stalwart, Orochimaru smirking.
"I am not going to go easy on you just because you're old."
"I was not expecting a handicap," the third said. "I may make you return to the Academy, depending on your performance."
"Please don't disappoint me."
So it commenced, loyal soldiers of both sides watching worried with fists clenched, kept away by the barriers drawn by Orochimaru's underlings. There were only so many ways this could go right for either side and with men and women dying no matter where you looked, it was grim.
Winning the battle wouldn't bring back the casualties, each sliver of advantage paid for in blood was blood irrevocable.
The street was trashed; most buildings had been toppled and deep layers of sand decorated every other surface.
"HOW ARE YOU THIS POWERFUL?!" the Ichibi yelled, sand falling from its body staggeringly quickly as it struggled to keep its form coherent. It had shrunk by such a volume that standing on an apartment building that would have previously been dwarfed by the tanuki's size now gave Naruto, still clad in his golden chakra, a significant height advantage.
The nevertheless-hulking beast roared angrily and in a desperate last-ditch effort began gathering the chakra it still had access to. Orbs of a ghastly blue and black chakra formed outwards of the tanuki, which quickly gathered to a spot above its gaping maw.
"Oh no, you don't!" Naruto recognized it for what it was, and leaped forward to put a stop to it - but too little too late, and his confident smirk was forcibly wiped off his face in an explosion of chakra he had no chance of dodging. Naruto severely underestimated the preparation time, and that very quickly resulted in a turn-around.
The Ichibi panted, chakra spent, and formed a beastly grin upon his sandy maw. "YOU'RE NOTHING TO ME, KYUUBI! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE!" He commenced laughing evilly, ready to turn around and chew on some leaf-nin.
"ow..."
"...no."
Naruto burst through the surface of a pile of rubble. "That reaaaally hurt," he said, scratching the back of his head and wincing. The glow of his cloak was still present but highly diminished. "HEY! YOU RUINED MY JACKET!"
"YOU RUINED MY BODY!"
"MY JACKET MATTERS WAY MORE THAN YOUR STUPID SAND!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"GRRRRRRRRRRR to you too, you piece of shit!"
"SERIOUSLY, JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"
Naruto just shook his head and stood up, sand falling off him and his torn jacket sliding off freely. "That was my favorite jacket, you jackass." He wiped the sand off his now naked arms with a shiver, the sand had a disgustingly unnatural texture. He stretched his arms as he gave the tanuki a look - it had gotten even smaller, and Gaara's mop of red hair was becoming more visible by the minute. "Target acquired."
The severely weakened and chakra-spent Ichibi didn't bother struggling but instead glared at the blond as he leaped up and easily pulled Gaara from the sand's clutches.
"I'll be back."
The sand collapsed and Naruto quickly prevented Gaara's stirring by applying a seal from the pouch at his thigh. "'I'll be back' my hairy ass," he muttered. "Someone will find you," he told Gaara, despite the latter's being unconscious.
Beating the Ichibi was only step one, next he should probably help with the giant snakes so clearly demolishing the village's walls.
He was tired, but people are dying. There were no excuses worth making to sit this one out.
The Leaf had more ninja, they had the stronger ninja, and they had the home field advantage.
As the last snake went out in a puff of smoke, Naruto finally relaxed. The other combatants, a group of chunin and a jounin or two, quickly left to continue the defense elsewhere - but there should only be clean-up left.
He made a clone to keep watch and sat down to catch his breath. Naruto wasn't in the greatest condition, he lost his headband at some point and he had so many scratches and scrapes that in his fatigue his healing factor hadn't yet gotten around to all of them.
But he had helped. The sheer effort of years of altering his seal and training to handle his biju, had finally come to fruition... it was immeasurably satisfying but made him sick. He had to kill people. Sure, he both directly and indirectly saved other lives for every life he took, but...
His previously orange trousers were stained a thick red, and his only saving grace was blood's inability to dye his navy shirt anything but a darker blue. It was still heavy and wet, however, and that made him uncomfortable.
He realized it was a bit childish to be so annoyed by a bit of blood when almost none of it was his. It was evidence of his victories.
"I guess I've finally proved myself, huh?" he grinned. "Gotta look on the bright side. I'm alive, the Leaf's alive, and-"
"Uzumaki-sama."
His heart dropped, even as he reflexively stood up and turned around to face the speaker - a nondescript female member of the Anbu black ops. The way she said that... 'I'm a genin,' he assured himself, 'I'm still a genin.' He knew that. Don't panic.
"Y-yes?" There's no way.
"Uzumaki-sama, the-"
"I'm still a genin!" he said, hands clenched and eyes narrowed, a thin frown etched on his face.
"The third-" she sounded exasperated.
"No."
As the woman lowered her head and bowed, his lips became dried and inoperable. "The third was killed in action, Hokage-sama."
AN:
Another fledgling of a plot bunny that keeps rearing its head no matter how many times I forget about it. Whelp! Here it is, enjoy it for me! :D
Edited 3/01/2019: Removed warning, deleted commas, replaced some wording