Hara-Kiri
Chapter 1
A sharp mind, weak emotions, body full of scars The deadliest combination known to man by far Mistakes will always be made, fools will never learn Lovers will always be tempted, humans will always yearn
A bleeding heart, mandatory sadness, a decaying soul A world of hurt, years of stress and pain, a body not whole Friendship is near, while love is much farther Thinking is rather easy, while meditating is harder
Tossing and turning, insomnia, face full of tears Paranoia, extreme loneliness, mind full of fears Low self esteem is required, self doubt is a must No friends, no allies, no aquaintances, no trust
Depression is a disease, warm embrace is the medicine Love runs through the veins, but darkness runs within What's the point ? Eternal suffering is due This is my life. To be continued...
As I put my pen down for the last time, I reflected over the last 4 years and how its changed my whole state of mind. My heart. My soul. My entire life. I took the little that was left in my bottle of gin and guzzled it down feeling lower than Ive ever felt before in my life. See, theres a lot more about me that meets the eye. People see me on TV and see a jubilant human being and are so ignorant of the truth. But it wont be long now as I was planning to end all my sadness, all my grief, and all my frustration tonight.
In this story Im about to tell, you wont see Victoria, the maniacal so called diva that the stupid idiots of the WWE portray me to be. But as Lisa Marie Varon, the real life self-destructive case made by years of ridicule by the fans. By the wrestlers. Years of madness and rage and despair. Its strange how another persons opinion can have so much impact on ones life. Sad thing about it is that they dont even realize it...or for that matter, dont give a shit.
Just as I was about to walk to the dresser, I heard the phone ring. I didnt know whether or not to pick it up because of the fear of who might be on the other end. Fearing they might try to talk me out of what Im about to do. Not only to myself but to the few fans and friends I DO have. To my family. Ive thought about it for a long, long time, and I always find myself wimping out. Afraid that If it happens, I mightve missed out on an opportunity. Then just recently, I thought to myself...what opportunity? I mean true Ive been the champ a couple of times, but I still wouldnt get any respect from many people. They always need to have blondes parading around in Bra and Panties matches and shit like that. Those dumb fucking gimmick matches.
All of these Diva search bimbos in the company have done little to nothing to get where theyre at. Ive worked...(sigh)Ive worked so...goddamn HARD to please everyone in the company...to please the fans...but...I dont feel that they appreciate me. Just like everyone Ive ever known in my life. The hell with this shit...i...its too much...The ringing of the phone stopped as the answering machine started to record a familiar voice.
Torrie: Lise, pick up, its me. Hun, I know youre depressed and frustrated, but you cant just hide from it, babe. Trust me, Ive been there. Hun...please pick up...(sigh)...well...call me...bye...(phone hangs up)
As the voice of one of my only true friends hung up from the other end of that phone, I once again went into that same state of mind I always have whenever I felt this incredibly low. The whole Should I or Shouldnt I? phase came into play as I opened that cold dresser drawer and looked down at the very tool that could either be the key to my salvation or a bitter and cowardly retreat. Either way, it would be the very thing to put all of my negative thoughts and emotions to rest...permanently...
My hand trembled as I felt the cold, hard steel in that drawer. I hesitantly slid my fingers under the piece as my sanity was at a standstill from so many fragile emotions running wild. I carefully picked it up and just simply gazed at it. Just glaring as if it was my only purpose. My destiny. In a twisted way, I almost admired it. The fine craftsmanship. The gleaming finish on the chrome. The elegence in its minute size. Knowing that something so very small can change peoples lives forever. Almost like I was looking forward to using such a sophisticated device. Or not...
The two voices in the back of my head were working overtime on this night and time. The internal stuggle between honor and malevolence had begun so abruptly. It always has in this all too familiar situation. It drove me absolutely insane. It just hurts so fucking much. All of these years of being in fitness competitions and whatnot. Whered it get me? Sure I have recognition, but the price of fame is a very costly one. No real friends. No seeing family hardly...
(sigh) Why...in the hell is this...so...hard for me? Why do I even have any second thoughts? WHY?! I should just stop being a fucking chicken and end it all! End all of the suffering! All the anguish! GOD!(deep sigh)ok, Lisa...you can do it. You can do this...you know you can. The fans will get over it. Youll just be a memory...and not to too many, so the signifigance wont even be there. It was then that my mind was finally after all of this time made up. I gripped the snub-nosed tool and glared at it again...one last time before I actually used it. Well...I came in this world alone...and it looks like Im dying alone. Im not letting anyone talking me out of it. I dont care if all the people Ive ever know in my whole entire life came through that door right fucking now! Id do it right in front of them all! Ironically, just as I lifted my arm, I heard a knock at my door, but totally ignored it.
Torrie: Lisa. Open the door. Please? C'mon. Open up!
I absolutely refused to let her see me do this to myself. I didnt want to see Torrie shiver with fear and be traumatized by witnessing my death. Ill just close my eyes and get it over with. The anticipation was bone-chilling and I didnt want to get to the point where I would have second thoughts again. As the steel met the side of my head at last, I shed a tear, representing my whole wretched life as it flashed before my very eyes. The knocking got much louder as the woman on the other side of the door was determined to get in. Almost like she knew that I was in here. But Im not worried about that any more. About anything at that...(shaking)...anything at all...
T: Open the door Lisa! I know youre in there! PLEASE!
God it was almost like she knew...I mean weve been friends for a long time...she knew of my sorrow. Of my pain...my hurt...(tearing up)sh...she had been the only one there from the beginning...and honestly...I...I hate to put her through all this...but..its too much...I cant do it any more...I cant deal with it..Itd be better for all of us...not right now...but in time...in due time...
The constant pounding was deafening. I guess her pure intuition got the best of her as she surprisingly busted in and broke the door off the hinges. Funny what pure emotions can do to us...but it didnt matter now...for it would be all over in a matter of seconds. The last words that would ever slide through my shivering lips would be...
V:(whispering)please forgive me, torrie...
The last thing I saw as I was ready to do the inevitable were those beautiful blue eyes glued to me in total fright and fear as she screamed...
T: OH GOD, LISA! DONT!
Despite Torries cries, as soon as all of my emotions were sunk, I just let go and let my finger do all the work at long last...
T: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGG GHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!
I finally did it. I cant believe I actually done it...I ended my own li...wait...oh jesus...the...
V:(sobbing)the saftey was on...
My almost lifeless arm dropped to my side as the gun pounded the carpet with a soft thud, just like my tortured soul...and I literally fell to my knees and broke down right there in front of my best friend. The one thing that I thought shouldve been the easiest thing in the world for me at that moment to do was a complete failure. Every bit of pain, every bit of hurt...god...every bit of solitude, anguish, torment...all came crashing down...and I absolutely hated it...and so did she, probably a lot more than me. She had leaned down and held my limp, almost apathetic body in her arms and weeped her heart out...
T:(crying) oh god, lisa...lisa...what are you doing to yourself? What have you done? V:(sobbing)i...i...i hate it...i hate my life...wh...why cant the pain just go away?(trembling)Why?
T: shh, shh, shh...just dont talk, honey...dont talk...itll be alright...
The sheer emotional pain that went through my body at that moment was...(sigh)I...I couldnt even tell you what it was. It was just so incredibly unexplainable. I mean, I couldve been lying on the floor right now in a pool of my own cold blood while my best friend covered my lifeless body mourning my untimely demise. But instead, somehow, God had blessed me to be totally ignorant of the fact that I forgot to take of the safety on the gun...and for that...I truly thank him. Him AND Torrie, for putting up with me and caring about me so much. This really opened my eyes to a lot of things. A realization that...I could be far worse off than I am right now...the everyday hurt I feel though...itll always be there. But at least I have her to lean on, to depend on. Ive honestly been selfish...I know that if she ever became suicidal like me, I would do the same exact thing...God forbid.
Sadly somewhere in the last 4 years of my life, I had forgotten the warmth and sympathy she shared for me for years. The joy she had brought within her angelic aura and tried her damndest to bring into my life. I had been so blinded by the misery and hurt that I failed to receive it. Almost like I didnt feel I deserve it.(sigh)But...as long as theres a breath left in me, I will never let that happen again...ever.