felinis: so among all the AUs that are widespread across fandom soulmate AUs are my least favorite. I just think they're wrong and frankly kind of creepy. Also I don't like the idea of being told I'm going to like someone and that one where once you meet you see color bothers me on so many levels as an artist. Soooo yeah... that's where this came from. I'll probably write more drabbles like this
Yuri's never been sure that any of the emotions in his head were actually his since he first hit puberty at eleven and got his soulmark. He remembers walking one moment and looking at the fountain and how in the warm sun it be nice to play in it. He remembers the faint click along with the sting from the mandatory metal band on his hand that all children were required to wear by Zaphias law. Tha loud clank as it fell on the ground and feeling his heart clench as the mark burned onto his writs.
Hanks had told him he was 'a bit of an early-bloomer' in a way that spoke of pity that curdled Yuri's stomach and the pain of that mark singeing itself and crawling in his skins burned enough that it made him cry. He's not sure why but after that he remembers feeling somewhat hollow as his fingers would rub on the diamond-like mark on his wrist. Flynn would ask him what was wrong but Yuri never had an answer. He was like that probably a few weeks feeling nothing but also feeling foreign in his own skin.
He'd stare at the band on Flynn's wrist and wonder simply if soon Flynn would also feel this.
Yuri had been scared about meeting his soulmate. He'd see the way they were, how everyone one of them looked a disturbing mix of miserable and happy. How none of them knew how to love anyone else or even could. Yuri understood that this was simply the way of the world. Everyone got a mark and nobody was left unloved.
All happy marriages.
Happy endings.
Good things.
Yuri never talked about it but the emotions or rather the lack of while his body waited on its perfect match made him miserable. It was pretty normal for children to spend months, even years, in a slump before the mark kicked in. It's part of why he doesn't remember being twelve outside of the growth spurt.
There other little things though. Moments of clarity where he would suddenly just get mad at authority or mindless frustration. The first few signs of aimless pubescent lust peeking its head at him. Just little mindless things that he couldn't attach to anyone or anything.
When he watched Flynn's eyes widen and his grin fall to a grimace one day Yuri didn't say anything about it. He didn't point out the fact that his eyes were watering or the fact that the band was on the ground. He refused to say anything until Flynn laughed morosely and held up his wrist to show that glowing mark.
"I guess I'm your soulmate." Yuri can't forget the way Flynn said those words. The way he looked at his wrist like he wanted to tear the skin off or the resigned false joy in his voice. The chunkiness to how he said it that still rattles in Yuri's ears. He remembers all of it.
But worst of all he remembers how in that moment reality snapped back in place and Flynn was at the center of it.
"That's not so bad." It was meant as assurance, but Yuri knows that's not the case.
It's not like he would never have picked Flynn out of a crowd and loved him on his own but in that moment- seeing that mark – feeling suddenly like he could breath- Yuri hated him. He was ready to scream and be angry at Flynn but then a headache rolled in and he couldn't. His misery morphed into happiness and somewhere a little voice said that he LOVED Flynn. That he would always LOVE Flynn. Nothing, literally nothing, could stop him from loving Flynn.
But he just wanted- he didn't-
Yuri's legs turned to jelly and he recalls turning into an emotional slop on the floor sobbing as he tried to will his own emotions past the mark on his wrists. He remembers looking at Flynn who was curled back in fear while Yuri's brain just fell apart and he ended up curled in ball muttering "I love Flynn" in a mantra till the fear and his own emotions fell into what it was supposed to be.
They don't speak of this for obvious reasons. They don't like to acknowledge that even the slightest attempt to rebel results in agony that always leaves them blissed out.
They're told they'll get used to it. Learn to just channel it out. That one day it will stop feeling foreign and they'll do it on their own.
And that's what he fears more than ever.
It's not real.
It can't be real.
They could still hate the mark though. They just couldn't hate each other. Even though a part of him wishes in the back of his head he could though.
Just to know. Just so he could choose. Just because he's never sure when any of it is real.
Does Yuri actually love him? He can't tell and when you're a frustrated adolescent with no control over anything- not even your emotions there's nowhere to go! Nothing to do but bite back the tears and the rage and hope Flynn doesn't notice because you share a room.