This is set in episode 24 after Lorraine goes to Sonya's house for a sisterly talk. I'm obviously miles behind the actually story-line in the show, so I'll probably take it in my own direction. I promise the story line gets more interesting after this chapter, I just need to set the scene a bit. I'll try and update fast, because everyone loves a fast updater ;) Leave a review, what you think of it, love it or hate it. Reviews keep me going! Enjoy xox
Lorraine's POV
I wipe a single tear from my red cheek as I approach, and knock, her front door. The all-too-familiar sound of her feet pounding against the laminated floor as she rushes to answer it. She answers with a smile on her face. A smile that faded as soon as she saw me. I hear her breathing gain pace as her mind tries to figure out the right words to say. "We need to talk, Nik." I speak too quickly, as if I've been practising what to say when she opens the door. And in truth, I have been. "What about?" She sighs out, pretending like nothing's happened between us. "What I did today… I was wrong." I stutter a little, allowing the cold, dark night to invade my thoughts, jumbling them into wrong words and mixed feelings. Fogging my mind. I'm still stood on her door step, the icy wind hitting my cheeks harder than the tears that fell from my eyes. She doesn't say anything for a moment, and I consider turning around and walking back to my car. But then she moves out of the doorway, and into her lounge. I take it as an invitation to come in, and follow her.
And I watch as she stands in the middle of her lounge, running a hand through her short bobbed hair. Her pale lips trembling a little. God, how I wish I could kiss those lips. Feel her breath against my breath. Both of us fighting for dominance. But that won't happen, because I've well and truly fucked everything up. I ran away from a problem in hope that I would forget all about it, and it would make me feel better. But it didn't. It made me feel worse. Nikki coughs, a hollow cough, as if to grab my attention. And it does, as I'm flinging my head upwards, looking at her intently. "I meant what I said, Lorraine." She said with confidence. Lorraine. Urgh, I hate it when she calls me Lorraine. It sounds too professional, not intimate enough. "And so did I," I shot back, glancing at her parted lips for far too long. "I fucked up. I really fucked up, Nikki, and I'm sorry." I admit to her. She frowns a fraction, and bites her lip. She knows that drives me crazy. It takes all my strength to not kiss her there and then. "Okay." She simply states. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that I forgive you, that we should just pretend like this never happened? Because I can't do that."
"You broke my heart today Lorraine. You made me think that you, god forbid, actually had feelings towards me. And then you called us off, just like that, all because Michael found out about us." Nikki raised her voice before turning away from me, looking out at her garden through the window. That garden used to be our happy place. Some days we would spend hours in that garden, catching the sun, enjoying the summer. Sitting hand in hand. Fat chance of that happening now. "It wasn't like that." I tried to convince her. Or was I trying to convince myself? Because in my head, what I done was justified. I needed to do it for her sake more than my own. "What was it like then?" She turned back around, her eyes rimmed with tears, refusing to drop down her cheek. "I wasn't thinking straight. All I could think of was Michael knowing something about me that I don't want anyone to know." My voice wavered slightly. Nikki shook her head, biting down harder on her lip, as if to keep the words from flowing. But it doesn't work. "You're embarrassed to be gay aren't you?" Her voice wasn't soft like it used to be. It was cold, full of anger. She knows the answer to the question. The question that I've been forced to answer time and time again. Yes. I was embarrassed. Because for half of my childhood, I was the queer who had no friends. The queer who was forced to eat her lunch in the toilets because if I went anywhere else, I would get bullied and spat at. So, yeah, I was embarrassed, because it reminds me of the worst parts of my life.
"Well I'm not going through the pain of loving you again, Lo." She mumbled quietly before attempting to push past me and go elsewhere. "Nik, please." I grab her arm, our bodies so close, almost touching. Our eyes stuck in each other's gaze. Our lips only inches away. And I feel her breathing heavy, angered breaths. Her eyes are no longer filled with tears, just filled with pain and bad memories. Memories of how viciously I had ended our perfect relationship. Why did I do it? Why did I mess up the one thing I could count on to make me feel safe and happy? Because I'm a coward. I run away from things. I bury myself in deep, deep holes, away from civilisation, just to keep my dignity intact. I guess what people say about me is true; I'm a cold, heartless bitch, who cares about nothing but her reputation and businesses. Nikki quickly tore her eyes away from mine, focusing on my hand on her arm, tightly. Shrugging my hand off as if it burnt her. And to be honest, the heat between us was so intense, it probably could have burnt a hole right through us.
"You can show yourself out." She spoke with no emotion, no pain, no nothing. I watched as she walked away into the kitchen, the sudden sound of glasses and bottles clattering together. I sighed, opening the door, feeling the cold night's air against my exposed skin. And then it hit me. Why should I walk away from something so important to me? I should fight for us, for Nikki. I slammed the door shut, knowing it would be loud enough for Nikki to hear. I hear her make a sound, like a sigh but with a hint of pain. Maybe I've hurt her enough today. Maybe I should just leave. But no, I don't. Of course I don't. I walk confidentially into the kitchen, where she is stood, slumping over the counter, with a bottle of beer in her hand. I instantly know it's her pain reliever. Because I know her well enough to know when she's broken. And god, she's broken. I step forward a little, allowing her to know that I've entered the room. She tenses, squeezing her eyes shut. But I can still see the pain behind them.
And I can't decide whether I should go over to her, hold her hands and properly apologise, or keep my distance, give her the space to breathe. I decide to stay where I am; it's safer that way. "How do you manage to do this to me every time, Lo?" She spoke softly, quietly. Because if she were to raise her voice, tears of pain and hatred would stream down her cheeks. "I… I don't mean to." I reply, my voice trailing off towards the end. Nikki looks up, a tear dangling from her beautifully long lashes; threating to fall. And it creates a huge lump in my throat. A lump of regret and words I could never say, despite wanting to. "Please, leave." She stands up-right, suddenly gaining posture and confidence. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want any form of intimacy with you." She poured the remains of the beer down the drain, banging the empty bottle on the side in anger. "I'll see you tomorrow at work."
"Is that it?" I snap, frowning. Disappointment deep in my voice. I'm not entirely sure what I expected to come out of tonight, but it certainly was not this. "Yeah, that is it Lorraine. I'm sick of you thinking that you can have everything you want, because you can't, okay?! Now, get out." She spat back, really losing her temper this time. Treating me like one of her immature students. I know that what I'd done today was wrong, and I should have given us more time to sort it all out instead of running away. But I was human and I did not deserve to be talked to like that. "You know what… Fine." I grunted, quickly turning on my hot read heels, walking as fast as I could towards the door. Flinging it open and storming out into the rainy shitty weather. "You say I'm not human, but really you're not either." I yell as loud as my dry throat will allow me to, hoping that my mean words had hit her in the heart. I slammed the door behind me before racing to my car, where I sat for a few moments, drenched in raindrops and salty tears.
I speed through the city, the sound of the engine momentarily letting me shut all the mean, yet truthful, words out of my mind. But it doesn't work for long. Because as soon as I'm in the discomfort of my own lonely home, I collapse into a pile of nothingness on my once so warm bed. Today's events running in my head over and over again until I give up on sleep, knowing that tomorrow's going to be worse than today.
Leave a review to let me know what you think, and if I should carry on with this fic? x