I never thought it would hurt this much… This much too just love someone… I never thought I would have to fake a smile when I glance across the room and accidently meet his gaze. The hurt in knowing that if you had him then all the pain would disappear. All because He could make you smile and laugh when you were on the verge of breaking down and calling life quits. I used to think that the worst thing in life would be to have someone you love taken away from you, gone forever. I realize now that the worst is not that. It is to have the person you love and would die for sitting literally across the room from you, but knowing that he will never love you back, that he will never know how you feel or how much you care. The feeling when you know if you took the chance to tell him, that you would lose that friendship, because he doesn't feel the same and you know you could never look him in the eye again. The distance between is uncross able even if it is only 15ft away. That by far is the most agonizing feeling that a person can feel.
"Hey you okay?" A voice snapped me back to reality as I quickly looked up as I shielded what I was writing in my small leather journal from view. His brown eyes bore into me as he looked at me in concern. "You're hiding in the corners of my flat again."
"Oh… Umm… Yeah I'm fine, just a headache again. The quiet helps." I said quietly. He sat down beside me so close I could smell him. He always smelt so amazing… And the sweet way he looked at me all caring like just made me want to melt. Then I remembered what I had just been writing myself.
"Ahh, headaches aren't fun… Parties with Phil and I hosting are never quiet, sorry. Do you want me to get you some medicine? Or I can just leave you alone if you want?" He said with a half-smile, being a gentleman as always…
"Oh, I took some earlier, but thanks. And of course you don't have to leave. You don't bother me." I said. I really wanted him to leave because I was so close to a breakdown. I did really have a massive headache, but I didn't want to send him away.
"Whatcha ya writing?" He tried to peer into the little journal with a goofy face, but I closed it quickly.
"Oh nothing, just some stuff song lyrics and crap.' I attempted to throw him off and he looked like he believed me.
"Can I read some? You never let me see anything you write!" He whined sarcastically.
"Uh…", I wasn't too keen to show him anything since most where about him, but I quickly flipped though my little book and found a poem that wasn't too obvious of anything important. "Here" I handed him the small open book. "I wrote this one a little bit ago…" He took the book from me and sat there reading. I fidgeted as I watched him reading. It felt like an eternity before his eyes broke from the page.
"I love it." He looked up at me. "It sounds like it would be perfect if you sang it."
"You know I don't sing..." I half said, half whispered.
He laughed, "Please I have heard you sing before and it is beautiful. Will you sing it for me please?" He gave me his most pathetic little puppy dog eyes.
"No way, I am not singing you a crapy song I wrote in the middle your flat with a bunch of people." I stuttered. I hated singing in front of people even him. There was no way I was just going to start singing in the middle of his flat with all these party people around. "Besides you wouldn't be able to hear me over the other dancing music!"
Hey I will give Dan and Phil this; they throw a good party with all the food, drinks, music and people you could want. I only came because Dan practically begged me to and I could never resist him for long. Let's say parties just aren't my thing.
"Well, then let's go to my room! I got a guitar last week, since you promised to teach me. You can show me the song in there where it's quiet." He smiled. He knew I couldn't say no. He stood up and stretched his hand out to help me up.
"Uggh, fine you win…" I sighed, grabbed my book and reached up for his hand.
He pulled me up on my feet and led me past the people dancing, if you could call it dancing, to the kitchen and grabbed us both drinks. A beer for him and water for me since he knew I didn't drink. I wasn't too young. I just never liked doing it. I followed him as we swerved though people and down the hall to his room. I barely heard him mumble under his breathe, "Jesus, how many people did Phil invite…" I laughed to myself. We a couple fervently making out in the hall and another guy passed out on the floor. We got to his room and he pulled out a key. He turned to me, "I never leave this unlocked during a party. I really don't want to walk into my room and find some random people on my bed, if ya know what I mean." He winked at me.