Although this story has both Naruto and Naruko tags on it, this does not mean both characters are in the stories. There is only one Naruto and yes, she is female.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters created and trademarked by Masashi Kishimoto in the Naruto universe. They belong to their respected owners. I am not making any money off of this story. I do, however, own the plot of this story. Please do not use any of the written work as shown below without my written permission.
Warnings: Coarse language, suggestive themes, genderswitch, SasuFemNaru
Also, this story is meant to be humorous; a parody. This means that not all of the facts stated in the story are true. Many facts and details are gross exaggerations of real life as situations and/or are stereotypes.
Paragraphs in italics- flash backs, lyrics/poems, dreams, and thoughts
normal- present
Enjoy:)
Kill Me Now
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It was freezing.
It was three in the morning and Naruto was freezing her ass off.
With a shiver the blonde woman wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her legs together. Sure, she was in a large shirt and boxer shorts, but she was never one for being cold. She was always the one who had her coat unzipped in minus ten weather and didn't feel a thing. Feeling even remotely cold was rare for her.
Rolling over, she reached out for the heat radiating body beside her. Sasuke was always warm when he slept and the man was practically her very own personal heater. Snuggling into his bare chest, she then buried her face into his neck. The raven groaned in sudden discomfort, before wrapping an arm around her waist.
"Naruto," he moaned in a voice glazed with sleep.
"You're so fucking cold." His eyes started to flutter open and he rubbed them lazily before staring at her with obsidian orbs, frowning.
Ignoring her completely, the raven reached out behind her and picked up the digital clock, staring hard at the numbers before groaning with grave annoyance.
"Seriously? Naru, it's three in the morning. I have to wake up – we have to wake up at six."
The blonde woman pressed herself against him even harder, trying to stop the quivering. She had never felt so cold in her life. It felt like her whole body was devising against her. Sasuke sighed deeply before dropping the clock and wrapping an arm around her.
"I'm sorry I woke you up…" she mumbled against his chest. The young woman knew that her counterpart was a light sleeper. One tiny move in his arms and he would be awake and cursing.
He yawned in response, pulling her close before mumbling into her hair, "s-okay."
Having begun to rub her back in slow strokes, Sasuke frowned at her chilled skin. "Why are you so cold? You're never cold…"
She pushed herself as close as possible to the dark haired man, digging into that heat, before responding sleepily, "how am I supposed to know? Maybe my body's conspiring against me…"
Deep husky chuckles escaped his throat, making his chest rumble against her. Kissing the blonde's forehead the raven closed his eyes and relaxed, trying to fall asleep again. The young woman also closed her eyes, her own exhaustion causing her to be but a step away from the realm of her dreams. Her body was slowly starting to warm up and it only encouraged her to embrace unconsciousness. As soon as the blue-eyed blonde began to finally drift off, her gentle features turned into a frown.
She couldn't breathe through her nose. Sure, the blonde was never one to breathe through her nose – as Sasuke has snapped more than once at her 'annoying breathing habit' – but whenever she slept, breathing through her nose was the only way she could fall asleep.
She tried to harshly blow out the air through her nose. It wasn't runny, or making her sniffle, it was just completely clogged up from the very back. Trying once again, she exhaled noisily onto the chest of a certain Uchiha, causing him to growl in aversion. Giving up, she whined quietly and attempted to breathe through her mouth gently. It felt weird and awkward, only making her throat dry and begging for moisture. Trying to breathe through her nose one more time, the blonde was disappointed to find that it was still congested.
Not even a little runny.
It was as if her body truly was conspiring against her and put up a massive snot wall to stop her from breathing. Suddenly, her eyes shot open again.
Her nose… was tickling… every time Naruto's nose was irritated, or tickling, she would –
"A-Choo!" The blonde sneezed loudly, right into her sleeping companion's chest.
The raven immediately pushed her away violently, snarling furiously, "god dammit Naruto!"
She cringed at his angry voice, before he continued, "are you fucking sick or something? Do you need medication? Because I seriously need to sleep!"
She knew he needed sleep.
Sasuke had a major business meeting tomorrow with five of the biggest businessmen and corporation owners from all over the world. Luckily, the meeting would take place in the city, but Sasuke still wouldn't be home for at least thirteen hours. Also, it didn't help that with all the stress and fatigue he was more ill-tempered than usual. Before she could even let a word escape her lips, she was hacking brutally, forced to sit up and hold her throat from the pain.
Each cough made her throat more dry and irritated, only causing her to cough more. It was hopeless to even stop for a second. God she felt like she was dying. Soon enough, the tall, lean raven threw the covers off and marched towards the kitchen in black clad boxer brief, muttering furiously under his breath. Naruto couldn't blame him.
Sasuke was always prissy the night before he had meetings.
Especially this one.
At the young age of twenty-four, Uchiha Sasuke, along with his brother Uchiha Itachi, had inherited their father's company a little over three months ago. Usually they would attend to all company matters together, but Itachi happened to be out of town; vacationing in the harsh month of February, leaving his little otouto to tend to the massive Uchiha Empire alone for a couple days. (1)
The poor blonde continued to hack mercilessly, trying to swallow her own spit whenever the opportunity arrived, anything to help soothe her burning throat. Looking towards the door, she saw Sasuke re-enter swiftly, a glass of water in one hand and a bottle in the other.
"Here," the young man said gruffly, shoving the glass of water in her hands.
Drinking it gratefully Naruto allowed the cool liquid to run down her burning throat. Smiling sheepishly, she placed the empty glass down on her bedside table.
"Thanks, Sasuke." The Uchiha only grunted before giving her the bottle. Staring at it strangely, the young woman furrowed her eyebrows at its contents.
"Cough syrup? Like for a cold? Sasuke I'm not sick…" He raised an elegant eyebrow and scoffed, raising his fingers as he began to count of the details.
"I beg to differ. First of all, you're shivering and freezing your ass off. You're never cold, Naru. Never. Two, you're hacking like a dying cow. And three? You sneezed all over me. Just take the cough syrup dammit!"
"I told you, I'm not sick! I'm just a little chilly and my throat is dry!" Sneering, she turned her head and pushed his hand away with distaste.
The young man rolled his eyes and slammed the bottle of medicine down on the night table, mumbling under his breath how she was being too suborned for her own good again. Tiredly, he dragged himself over to his side of the large queen sized bed and collapsed right into his plush pillow. Throwing the covers over his form, the ebony-haired male turned away from Naruto and proceeded to get as much sleep as he could before waking up again.
Attentively, the blonde lied down and moved closer towards him. Dammit she was still cold! As soon as she reached the raven's pale back, he used his leg to push her away. She let out a whine and he turned to stare at her, glare in place.
"Either you take the medicine, or you don't. In which case if you don't, you can freeze by yourself tonight."
She glared back at him, barring her teeth.
"That's a bitch move Sasuke. Are you seriously going to let your wife freeze to death? That's low." The Uchiha only smirked handsomely, as if challenging her again.
"If you get me sick – don't interrupt or protest. Your sick dammit – and I miss that meeting, I'll be really pissed Naru, you know that."
She grumbled tiredly, glaring at her gorgeous husband. He may be a stubborn asshole, but she was stubborn too and there was no way that she was taking that medicine. Didn't he understand that she wasn't sick? It was just a bunch of stupid incidences that just happened to happen at the same time.
Slowly, she wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her legs together again. Anything to produce the warmth that her body desired so dearly, because Naruto knew just as well as Sasuke knew.
The Uchiha wouldn't even spare her a glance until she drunk that stupid medication.
This was going to be a long night.
Blinking tiredly, Naruto looked around the room.
The sun was pouring in through the translucent curtains right into her face. Snuggling into her pillow, she couldn't help but start to drift away again. Finally, she felt warm. Warm and so comfortable that it was as if sleeping on clouds. Worriedly, the blonde suddenly remembered she had work today.
Oh god, if she slept in again, Sasuke would slaughter her and give her another lecture about how lazy she was and the importance of skills such as 'time management'. Snapping her eyes open, the blonde quickly sat up only to fall back into her plush pillow. Her head was spinning. Her head was spinning and her body felt like it was made out of jello. Even moving her arm a little seemed like so much effort.
She just felt so heavy. She wanted to sleep and never wake up again. Looking to her left, the blonde noticed the numbers on the digital clock. It clearly read out '11:30'. Oh shit she was three hours late for work! Man, she was sooo getting fired! Forcing herself to sit up, the blonde groggily went to grab her phone off the bedside, by the clock, when she noticed the small note. Picking it up, she immediately noticed Sasuke's elegant handwriting.
Stay home, I called your work Dobe.
Take the medicine on the kitchen counter once every four hours,
Drink fluids, stay in bed, and don't burn down the apartment.
Call Karin when you wake up, I'll be back late.
Call you if I can
She glared at the words written on the paper for a moment, before sighing deeply. She should have expected nothing less from Sasuke. He never really was one for words and all the sentimental shit, but he cared about her nonetheless. She remembered back in high school when he would pester her about finishing her homework, which she did occasionally. Then when it was time for exams, she would beg him to study with her. Oh he'd help her all right- after she was literally begging on her knees and kissing his arrogant feet.
The blue-eyed beauty yawned slowly, stretching like feline. That's when she noticed the noise. There was a distinctive noise that sounded like a fan. Looking to the right, she smiled softly at the sight of a heater. So that's why it was so warm in here. It was cute when the raven tried to take care of her whilst still holding up his 'badass Uchiha' image.
Wiggling around into a more comfortable position, the blonde knew something was wrong. The weight on her body was overly heavy. Of course her limbs felt weak, but this was something else. Lifting the blanket on the bed slowly, she was surprised to see another blanket. Usually, the bed only consisted of a blanket and the comforter. Lifting the next heavy blanket, she stared curiously at another blanket.
How many blankets had Sasuke put on the bed?
Being sick officially sucked balls – was Naruto's initial thought as she laid on the couch, staring at the annoying anchorman with hazy eyes, her entire form resembling a zombie. She was too tired to even move. Everything just hurt; especially her face. After calling Karin earlier that day, she was now happily aware that her sinuses were swollen.
The red head had also reminded her to take that god-awful medication (which Naruto had secretly thrown out) and then they had talked. Karin was not only her cousin, but one of her closes friends as well. The only reason they didn't talk so much anymore was because she now was Sasuke's main secretary, seeing as he barely trusted anyone else for the job, and in honesty, it suited the cherry-eyed woman perfectly.
Karin was talkative and liked to keep things in order – organized. She was demanding, direct, and had a love for bossing people around. It also helped that she was quite fond of Sasuke, easily becoming his ruthless subordinate and following his demands to a 'T'. She was absolutely perfect seeing as Sasuke was too arrogant to deal with his own people face to face and needed someone who would respect and listen to him while being tolerable. So of course, he let Karin do all the work, not that she would have ever minded of course.
Sniffling, she forced herself to stand as she walked slowly towards the kitchen, a big dark blue blanket hanging off of her shoulders resembling a cape of sorts.
She needed coffee god dammit.
Sweet, heavenly, coffee to keep her awake and give her the energy that she desperately needed. She had a project due at the end of the week and Naruto thanked Kami that it was Saturday because she could not afford to miss any of her University classes.
The blonde woman was into business advertising – a graphic designer of sorts who did the preliminary design for things ranging from posters, web banners, to TV screens. This project was worth half her mark and she would kill something if she were to fail it. As she shuffled towards the expensive espresso machine Sasuke had bought a couple months back, she couldn't help but snort at all the fancy dials it had. Of course Sasuke, the coffee addict of the apartment, would get a machine so mind blowing and amazing that poor little Naruto could not even understand how to use it.
"Brew… is it here? No ugh… God dammit!"
This machine was seriously pissing her off. Naruto seethed silently that if she had enough energy to actually walk, she would be at Starbucks getting herself a nice hot mocha loooong ago.
Pressing another random button, the young woman practically jumped out of her skin when hot water sprayed all over the place.
"That's it!" She screamed hoarsely, grabbing the mug viciously and putting it under the knob where all the hot water was escaping from. Once it was filled to her preference, she pressed a bunch of buttons until the damn thing turned off, taking a spoon and shoveling a good two spoonful's of the finely grinded coffee beans. Stirring it petulantly, the blonde grabbed the sugar bowl irritably and dumped in more sugar then what was necessary.
She then sighed deeply, closing her tired eyes while taking a small sip of the coffee… before spitting it out completely. Glaring disgustingly at the cup, she narrowed her angry blue eyes, feeling another shiver run up her spine.
This meant war.
Groaning, the twenty-four-year-old let her eyes flutter open at the light streaming through the curtains. Although it was now sunset, the blinding orange light just happened to be at a specific angle that went right into her eyes. Nestling further within the covers, she glanced over at the digital clock, her eyes widened. She had been sleeping for five hours straight! Without any food too… She grumbled under her breath and stretched out her aching bones slowly.
Being sick was seriously starting to become a pain. All she did was sleep, throb, and sniffle. Feeling her throat burn as she started to cough, Naruto painfully added 'hacking' to the list. Reaching over for a bottle of water that sat on the nightstand, the blonde carefully drank the fluid, not even realizing how starved her throat was. She was parched beyond belief. The only thing she had tried to drink this entire day was that damn coffee. After the failed event she had immediately fallen asleep.
She sighed out heavily cursing under her breath. She was soooooo bored.
The blonde couldn't even work on her project, which was a major pain. It had taken her weeks to figure out what the hell she would even do and now that she had an actual idea, her head would start spinning after staring at the computer screen for too long.
Suddenly, her phone starting to ring irritably on the table. Moaning in annoyance, she picked up the device, not even looking at the caller ID before answering it lazily, "hello?"
"Naruto darling you sound worse then you did this morning." Whimpering, she started to cough again before speaking weakly,
"What's up Karin? That bastard not working you too hard I hope." The red head laughed lightly, speaking with great humour,
"He's in a really bad mood today. The meeting is not going well, they're all giving him a really hard time, and he's worried about you – "
"Oh really?" She interrupted, feeling quite smug, "serves him right!"
"As much as I love to torture you're husband Naru, the company needs this meeting to work. I'm not surprised that he's worried, you honestly sound like shit."
"I feel like shit," The blonde responded gruffly, whining at the tenderness in her face from her swollen glands. She's never been sick in her life before. How the hell did this even happen?
Suddenly, Karin spoke in a worried, motherly, voice, "did you take the medication?"
"Fuck the medication. I'm not stuffing myself full of drugs." The cherry-eyed woman groaned on the other side of the line.
"Please do not tell me that you threw out the medication…"
"And if I did?" She asked coyly.
"… I'll sic your husband on you."
"Kariiiiiiin!" she wailed, rolling onto her side to avoid the strong, last bursts, of sunlight pouring through the window.
"I've never been sick in my life! Why the hell would I need medication if I don't get sick," the blue-eyed woman seethed, finding this entire matter rather ridiculous.
"Because, you dumbass, you actually are sick!"
"Whatever, I just wanna sleep…" she dismissed, feeling the energy from her limbs slowly leave her. Who knew being sick would make you relentlessly sleepy. She didn't even sleep this much on a regular basis! And that was saying something.
"It's probably 'cause your body's fighting off that nasty virus." An exasperated sigh was heard from the other end before the red head spoke again.
"I would go tell you to go make yourself some tea and take the medication, but you seem really weak right now Naru… Sasuke's almost done with the meeting. Just rest as much as you can and drink lots of fluids. Water is the best."
Feeling extremely drowsy, the blonde hummed in response, yawning loudly into the phone.
"'Kay Karin, tell him not to worry so much, yeah? I'm a big girl now and he'd probably cry if he got any grey hairs."
Laughing, the secretary responded in a voice that was sickly sweet and taunting, "you're still the biggest baby I know."
Storming into the apartment angrily, the raven kicked off his shoes and loosened the suffocating tie around his neck.
The business meeting did not go well.
Not well at all.
He was completely surrounded by old moronic men who would not change their ideals under any circumstances, even if it did benefit them in a way. They only wished to talk about the political view and social ratings of what the contract would obtain making the Uchiha sneer in disgust.
More importantly, Karin had told him that Naruto really did sound sick, very sick. Placing his brief case onto the table, he unbuttoned the first three buttons of his white dress shirt and rolled up his sleeves. Frowning, he moved towards their bedroom. He expected to see Naruto right away… or at least hear her. Instead the apartment was filled with a dead, empty, silence.
"Naruto?" The obsidian eyed male called gently, pushing open the door to be greeted by the sight of his wife shivering under the covers.
Walking over quietly he noticed just how fragile she looked. Her breathing was irregular; you could hear how clogged her nose really was. Running a hand through her sunshine looks of hair, the raven frowned at how limp and lifeless they looked. As he continued to run his fingers through her hair, he let his hand slowly wander towards her forehead.
Hot. She clearly had a fever.
Sighing out irritably, he bet any money that Naruto hadn't even thought of taking the medication that he had specifically left for her. Smoothing the straw like hair from her face, he tenderly placed a kiss to her forehead before standing up to get another blanket for her. Maybe he should go make her some tea.
When she woke up it was dark.
Very dark.
The grey walls appeared to be black as shadows with images that danced across them from the moonlight that was shining through the window. She was dizzy, yet so warm… She stretched her arms out and turned her head towards the clock, reading the red numbers.
12:30
Damn she had slept long. Remembering Sasuke, the blonde looked over to her left, only to be surprised with an empty space. Ignoring the weak feeling in her legs, the blonde sat up straight, allowing her toes to kiss the cold hard wood floor. Hesitantly, she stood up, ignoring the chill running down her spine as she opened the bedroom door slowly, a smile climbing onto her lips at the sight before her.
Her big, bad, Uchiha was sitting on the couch, asleep. He was wearing black sweat pants, his white dress shirt unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows – his tie nowhere in sight. The bright glare of the TV made his pale skin even paler against messy, ebony locks of hair that brushed his eyes. Lastly, on the coffee table where his feet were propped up lay some documents as well as, to the blonde's dismay, a box of medication, cough syrup, and a mug full of tea.
Making her way over to the raven the blue-eyed woman gently sat down beside him, brushing ink coloured bangs from his face, and unfortunately, roused him from his sleep. Watching him flutter his eyes open, the blonde apologized sheepishly,
"Shit… I forgot how much of a light sleeper you are, sorry for waking you up…"
Yawning he turned to look at her, speaking in a low voice, "it's fine. How are you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"You look like shit."
"Shut up bastard!"
"You didn't take the medicine, did you?"
Feeling her cheeks burn up, she laughed lightly, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly.
"Funny story actually…I actually couldn't – ugh – find the medicine!"
He lifted an eyebrow, staring at her with the infamous -Uchiha-glare-of-doom-number-3-I-know-you're-lying - look.
"Is that so? How convenient that I found it in the trashcan."
Flinching at his accusing tone, (as well as embarrassed that she had been caught) the sick woman chewed on her lip, struggling to come up with a believable excuse, before he waked her in the head not so gently.
"Hey!" she screamed hoarsely, "I'm sick remember!"
"Dobe," he hissed in response, full out glaring at her, "Didn't I tell you that you were sick you damn Usuratonkachi? And now you're throwing out the fucking medication?!" quickly adding at the end for good measure, "you're an idiot!"(2)
"I'm not pumping myself full of fucking drugs!"
"Taking medicine for once in your life is not going to kill you Naruto!"
"I don't care! I'm not taking the medicine!"
Sighing out angrily, the obsidian-eyed man rubbed the bridge of his nose feeling a headache come out. Why did she have to be so damn tenacious all the time?
"Fine, you won't take the medication," mumbling out quickly afterwards, "for now."
Smiling at the unexpected victory, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging the young man tightly. Wishing that she could breathe in the spicy sent of his cologne, the blonde kissed his cheek, "thank you Sasuke."
He returned her embrace, frowning at how breakable she felt in his arms. Nuzzling her neck he suddenly snorted out, "you smell like shit too Dobe."
"Fuck you bastard!"
"I rather not, you're sick after all…"
"Ugh, I hate you!"
"Actually, you love me."
"Go die and rot in hell Uchiha!"
Angrily, she ripped herself from her husband's hold and stormed towards the bathroom, coughing violently before slamming the door behind her. Smirking, the dark eyed man only shook his head at how easy it was to rile her up. It was just too amusing.
That's why he loved her, after all.
Lying on the couch, bored out of her mind, the blonde couldn't help but think of how this was her second last day before she had her next class and she honestly couldn't be more happy. Staying at home for nearly three days in a row sucked… she wasn't even that sick! Not that she would ever admit it aloud, but she was so bored that the blue-eyed beauty wouldn't even mind listening to that jack-ass Sai call her dickless all day and criticize her latest projects for fun.
Man she even missed work! The local diner where she worked at was beyond awesome. Being naturally social, meeting new people and just helping people in general was enough to put her in a good mood. She even missed talking with Sakura and Ino, her fellow waitresses. As gossipy and girly as they were, they were good people; interesting to talk too. In fact, it's not like Sasuke would know if she left the apartment for an hour or two… the fresh air would do her some good!
Swinging and sashaying her hips to an imaginary tune, the young woman made her way towards the bathroom, pleased with the thought of finally getting outside.
She bundled up enough; wearing a loose, thick turtle neck with sleeves that came down to her finger tips as well as a pair of thick leggings. It was too cold outside for jeans anyways. She had then bused to the diner as fast as she could, feeling so much better just with the crisp wind in her face. She loved the outdoors.
The only thing she loved more than the outdoors was food. The aromatic scent of food that left her mouth watering and her nerves tingling. Considering the fact that she was going to the diner, she might as well buy herself some lunch. It'd be better than whatever she could whip up at home in her condition.
Finally arriving at her destination, to door chimed melodically at her arrival, causing a skinny blonde waitress with teal eyes and platinum blonde hair to check on her customer.
"Hi! Welcome to – Oh, Naruto! What are you doing here?"
The blonde coughed into her arm violently before smiling brightly, "'sup, Ino, you didn't think a little cold was going to stop me from showing up did you?"
She only smiled brightly, waving the blonde over as she sat down in one of the back booths.
As soon as the blonde was comfortable sitting, the other blonde hollered over, "yo, Sakura! Look who decided to show up!"
Turning around, Naruto waved at the pinkette waitress who came bounding over with a tray housing three cups of coffee.
"How are you Blondie?" The jade-eyed woman smiled, passing each of the girls a coffee, before smirking slyly at her. "Is there any reason why a man called you in sick today? Not that I don't believe you're sick – cause it's blatantly obvious – but you never told me you had a boyfriend."
Ino fake gasped, flipping through Sakura's magazine. "Girl that is not cool."
Sakura, on the other hand, smirked knowingly as Naruto cringed.
"Well? Out with it! I want the juicy details!" The cerulean-eyed blonde chewed her lip nervously, fiddling with her fingers.
Not that she was had to hide her relationship with Sasuke, they both just decided it was better to not brag about it. Sasuke was seen as a celebrity in the city and the majority of woman treated him that way. After all, the Uchiha had done much for the founding and growth of Konoha as a whole. She also knew just how… eccentric her friends were about her husband. She didn't want them to go fan girl on her just because of a detail.
"Well," she started off, "he just happens to be –" before breaking out into another fit of coughing. As soon as she was able to calm herself, Sakura took hand of her left hand immediately, eyeing the simple gold band on her ring finger.
"I always wondered why such a pretty ring was sitting on your middle finger at work. It seemed strange, since it looks exactly like a wedding ring".
Dammit. She had been caught. Thinking of the many ways she could handle this situation, Ino saved her by squealing aloud, "look at this! Sasuke is in the Konoha Times again!" Sakura then dropped her hand like fire, looking over at the magazine. "Oh lord, he is sooo dreamy! What I would have to be with him…"
God damn… they had already gone fan girl before she could even respond. Unable to listen to them gossip about her husband, the blonde buried her head into her arms, closing her tired eyes. The warm and familial comfort of the diner was always enough to put her at ease. She always fell asleep in here when she became bored.
Then suddenly, the two fanatics had to ruin her peace, as usual. The bell tolled again, signaling the end of their little break. Although the blonde could care less as her two friends immediately stood up, dashing towards the newest customer, she was less than surprised. It was a common fact that any 'cute boy' that walked into the diner would be instantaneously harassed by the two. Usually it made her laugh, but with her head currently spinning, she could have cared less.
Lazily, she pulled out her cell phone to check the time before frowning at a text message that she had received from Karin and from … Sasuke.
Choosing to open Karin's first, prolonging the inevitable, Naruto's eyes widened at the message upon the screen.
- Hey Naru! The meeting finished earlier today so Sasuke should be home soon. Hope you're feeling better!
"Sasuke should be home soon" sent about twenty minutes ago. Shit.
Cowering, the sick woman than slowly answered the one form her raven.
- Dobe… where are you? Didn't I tell you not to leave the house? You're SO dead when I find you sent ten minutes ago. Double shit.
She needed to get home. Fast. Before Sasuke came to the diner – since she knew that it would be the first place he would look for her. Stuffing the phone into her pocket, she was about to stand when someone slipped into the booth across from her. Looking up, her blue eyes widened at the sight of the devil himself, dressed casually with a nasty glare etched into his face.
"I find it hilarious that even after all these years you still fail to have any sense of logic what so ever."
"You bastard," she growled too tired and too sick of being sick to play nice anymore. "It's just a fucking cold. If I want to go outside, newsflash: I'm going to go outside. You don't own me, Uchiha."
The raven scoffed at her dramatic attitude as she pulled her favorite line at him. The whole, 'you don't own me' bullshit. He was getting tired of her shit.
"You really are a retard," her blue eyes narrowed at this. "How many times do I have to explain it to you? You're sick – sick people stay at home and try to get better, not ignore the problem and just make it worse."
As if on cue, the blonde want through another attack.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about," he sighed out, staring down at her without any shred of pity. "You sound way worse then you did yesterday."
"Shut up, teme!" she managed between coughs, covering her mouth with her arm.
Observing her for a moment more, the exasperated young man eventually sighed out deeply, running a hand through dark, ebony locks.
"Let's just go home, Dobe. You need some rest and I'll even make you some tea."
Having calmed down considerably, the blonde was still able to manage a small smile, taking hold of his hand.
"Only if you make me some jasmine tea." Squeezing back, he smirked, whispering a gentle 'okay' before standing them both up.
Hand in hand, the couple walked out of the diner leaving behind two shocked females. They would go through a full interrogation once the blonde was back at work. That is, if they didn't strangle her first.
Glaring at the gorgeous raven, the blonde woman couldn't help but scoff at how he tried to perfect his look in the mirror.
"Sasuke you're dealing with crabby old men, I highly doubt that they'll be checking you out or anything. Just the fact that your name is 'Uchiha' is enough for them to orgasm at the thought of working with you."
"Hn," was his only response.
Rolling her eyes, she continued to eat the disgusting porridge her darling husband had made her. She had always hated porridge. Always. His excuse was that she didn't eat healthy enough, being sick and all only adding to his point.
Picking up his brief case, the raven turned around to her one last time.
"Don't forget, this Saturday is my mother's birthday celebration. It would be good if you weren't sick for the occasion…"
The blonde smiled, rolling her eyes dramatically as she retorted, "chillax teme, I'll be healthy and kicking your ass in no time."
"Hn."
"You wanna bet bastard?"
Without receiving a response, she glared nastily and moodily crossed her arms over her chest, coughing loudly out into the air, not even bothering to cover her mouth.
"You won't be kicking anything," the young man started, "if you manage to get me sick."
Raising a neatly plucked eyebrow, the blonde woman scoffed before, purposefully, coughing into his direction only causing him to crinkle his nose in disgust.
She received –Uchiha-glare-disgust-number-5-I-can't-believe-I'm -even-wasting-my-time-with-a-moronic-idiot-like-yo u- look for that one.
"That was fucking nasty," he hissed afterwards, still glaring sharply as he put on his black leather jacket, calling out, "and don't burn down the apartment loser," along with "I'll call you later to make sure you're still breathing."
Snorting, the blue-eyed woman bared her teeth, seething, "why thank you sweetheart, that's so very considerate of you. I'm honestly touched by such overwhelming generosity."
"Have you been reading? Those are some pretty big words…"
"Fuck you!"
"We've been over this already, haven't we?"
"TEMEEE!"
And thus the door slammed shut, leaving the poor, sickly blonde boiling with rage in her seat. Giving one more glance at the porridge she sneered, pushing it out of her face.
"How do I put up with a bastard like you I will never understand," she groaned, reaching for a Kleenex and blew her cherry red nose into it when suddenly, an idea popped into her head.
Dumping the vile porridge into the garbage, she started to pull out some ingredients, deciding to make some pancakes. Surprisingly, the young mistress knew how to cook quite well.
Working at a diner for two years seemed to have its advantages after all. She could clearly remember when she had made them dinner for the first time and Sasuke kept glaring down at it as if it were the very essence of poison. It wasn't until he ate it that she could appreciate the surprise on his face. Surprised to the fact that "the Dobe could actually cook something edible."
That jerk. He always had to find some type of way to insult her.
Mixing the batter slowly, she couldn't help but think at how just plain pancakes were sooo boring. After two days of being held prisoner in her own apartment, the blue-eyed blonde couldn't help but feel a little mischievous. Taking out some apples, brown sugar, and cinnamon, she slowly cut the apples into small chunks, mixing them with the remaining spices in a small bowl. Just the thought of these in her pancakes made her mouth water.
Thinking back to the recipe, she remembered how Sakura always added in some cottage cheese to the apples. It was a way to make the texture more pleasant and soft – or some other bullshit like that.
Looking in the fridge, she searched around for the cottage cheese, positive that they had to have some somewhere… THERE!
At the back of the fridge the large container containing the cheese. Pulling it out eagerly, she mixed the contents into the batter immediately, stirring furiously. Soon enough, the frying pan was out and she was making pancakes.
While frying, the blonde couldn't help but feel that something was not right with the batter. Usually it fried much faster and cleaner; little bubbles forming when it was time to flip. This time none of that was happening… there wasn't even a light golden dusting to them! God dammit she knew she could make stupid little pancakes too! Maybe it was the types of ingredients she used?
Regardless, the blonde ignored these factors and decided to feed the black hole known as her stomach.
Pulling out a fork, she viciously attacked the pancakes, as if she hadn't eaten in days (which according to her own logic was completely true). Chewing slowly as she ate, the blonde couldn't help but shack of the feeling that something was terribly wrong… It wasn't until three hours later that it hit her. Hard.
The eggs. She forgot to add the fucking eggs.
Groaning she wrapped her arms around her midsection, the pain becoming almost unbearable. Looking over to the cottage cheese container, something she had failed to put back into the fridge, her eyes widened at another realization…
The cheese had expired five months ago… shit.
Jumping out of her seat, the blonde scrambled towards the bathroom, barley making it towards her porcelain savior before throwing up the entire contents of her stomach… well at least… most of it.
She hated being sick. She fucking seethed at the thought of even being sick.
Someone might as well just kill her now.
It was officially her fifth day of torture and things didn't seem to be taking a turn for the better.
She was currently hunched over the toilet, vomiting out her organs for what seemed like the millionth time today. Behind her was Sasuke, gently rubbing her back with one hand while petting her head with another.
His only words of comfort being, "you're such an idiot. Who the hell gives themselves food poisoning?"
Apparently Naruto did.
Heaving one last time, the blond slowly moved away from the nastiness, clutching her stomach with a death grip. It was never ending pain. Even a move in the wrong direction and she would be on the ground rolling with tears in her eyes – it fucking sucked.
The ebony haired man wrapped on arm around her shoulder, an expression of genuine concern clouding his face.
"How the hell did you do this to yourself, Dobe?"
Groaning, the young woman rolled her head onto his shoulder, the pain being nowhere close to subsiding. "I made some pancakes… and forgot the eggs… and used an expired ingredient… that had been expired for five months…"
An extremely long painful moment of silence ensued afterwards, only to end with Sasuke slapping his forehead.
"You're such a fucking idiot! Who the hell forgets to add eggs!? EGGS of all things!"
"Shut up you fucking bastard! I'm sick! I can't think straight!"
"Naruto you never think straight."
"Shut UP! I hate you!" She screamed, clutching her stomach even harder.
"Just go away douche bag! I'll deal with this myself!" Sighing at her dramatics whilst rolling his eyes, the exasperated young man brought her in closer, burying his nose into her mop of sunshine blonde hair.
"Chill out Naru, you know I'm just teasing…"
"Tease me when I'm not sick, in pain, vomiting out my spleen, or running on three hours of sleep!"
Holding her even tighter, the obsidian eyed man mumbled into her hair softly, "okay, okay, don't give yourself a heart attack."
After a few moments of comforting silence she slowly turned around, clutching onto the front of his shirt whilst nuzzling her nose into his chest. In return, he wrapped his arms around her even tighter, sighing out before resting his cheek against the top of her head. They rocked slowly, absent-mindedly, and comfortingly, back and forth and back and forth; the blonde's bout of hysteria seemingly going away.
Stroking her spine with long nimble fingers, he spoke gently, "the gala is tomorrow."
The softness in his deep voice only lulling her to sleep farther as he continued to speak, "I don't think we should go."
Grunting in disapproval the blue-eyed woman closed her eyes, a small frown etching her features. "We can't just 'not go' Sasuke, it's your mother's birthday celebration and a 'gala' in the respects of your successful business meeting. You have to be there, regardless of if I come or not."
He furrowed his eyebrows tightly, squeezing her slightly. "Kaa-san would be pissed if I showed up to her birthday without you there. She absolutely adores you after all… and I'm not just going to leave you home alone. Especially when you're more of a hazard sick then you are healthy."
He joked at the end, a smile coming onto his face.
"Aww 'Suke that's so sweet, and unlike you, to be such a caring person. Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" she joked sarcastically.
Suddenly they were both laughing, basking in the moment before she abruptly ripped herself from his hold, maneuvering herself in front of the toilet bowl before vomiting again.
Rolling his eyes moodily, the raven rubbed the bridge of his nose whilst sighing out exasperatedly, "what the hell am I going to do with you."
Glaring at herself in the mirror, the blonde couldn't help but feel queasy. She didn't like gala's… she had never liked these types of things. She had always felt out of her comfort zone – as if she didn't belong amongst all the rich people.
She had a simple yet elegant black and white dress, her mop of blonde tied back into a pony tail with bangs falling over her eyes. She wore foundation and cover up, actually hiding the pastiness of her skin from being sick. To complete her look, she wore black heels that allowed her to be just a smidge shorter than Sasuke's height, as well as a pair of diamond earrings. The necklace hanging off of her a simple blue crystal, something she had worn since high school.
"You look beautiful," the raven interjected, leaning against the door in his black suit.
"Let's just hope I don't throw up all over myself," she contradicted, the shakiness in her knees returning.
"Relax Dobe," he responded coolly, pushing himself of the door frame and walking over towards her, placing comforting hands on her shoulders.
"You took some gravel and you'll have it in your purse, just in case."
Sighing out deeply, the blonde snatched some toilet paper to blow her nose. Her cold was practically gone now, only minimal coughing and a small runny nose left to fight off. Hopefully soon, so she could start to fight of the food poisoning.
Giving herself one last glance in the mirror, she nodded at her appearance before taking hold of her husband's hand, pulling them out of the bathroom and towards the door. Letting go momentarily, she sighed whilst putting on her thick coat. This was going to end up being a very long night.
Sliding out of the car, the beautiful blonde looked at the building, losing control over her calm composure. Well damn, the Uchiha's had out done themselves this time. The fricken building looked like a damn palace and she was almost positive that they'd consider this to be 'modest'. She snapped out of her trance like state when Sasuke grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently.
"You should shut your mouth, Dobe, before you attract flies. Besides, this place isn't even that nice."
"That nice?" she gaped, staring at him with disbelief.
"Are you out of your mind?! This place looks like Queen Elizabeth lives here!"
"Tch, I doubt she'd pick a place like this."
"You're crazy!"
Rolling his eyes, the ebony haired man pulled her forward, his hand leaving her grasp to wrap around her waist instead as they neared the main entrance. He could feel her starting to tremble as they neared the entrance (and he knew that she hated these types of crowds).
Walking up the white marble stairs, they were greeted by two men standing by the huge open doors, a clipboard in one of the man's hands. Just by glancing at Sasuke, the man's eyes widened; flickering between the young , bored looking, Uchiha and the nervous looking Naruto.
"Master and Mistress Uchiha" he spoke, greeting them into the hall, "welcome."
Sasuke replied with a grunt and a jerk of the head while the blue–eyed blonde gave them man a small smile, inwardly panicking at the amount of people, rich and fancy people, within her line of sight. Feeling queasy again she couldn't help but worry about how much of a disaster this night would turn out to be.
Glancing over at her, the raven frowned and held onto Naruto's waist protectively as they weaved through the mass crowd in the gala, knowing that she was beyond uncomfortable in a place like this. He was right. Already in here for not even five minutes and the blonde wanted to explode. She could feel all those damn eyes on her and Sasuke – all those hateful and jealous eyes – but that wasn't all. Other than the nerve wracking classical music playing, the murmuring that went with it in rhythm was even worse.
"Is that the Sasuke Uchiha?"
"Who's that woman with him?"
"God he looks so gorgeous."
"Why is he holding onto her waist?"
"Is Sasuke off the market? I wanted to approach him today!"
"She looks too poor to be at a gala like this…"
"Is Sasuke just pitying her, or are they friends?"
The proud Uchiha could feel the tension in her as they walked, only pulling her closer to him in hopes of comforting her even in the slightest way possible. This usually happened whenever they went to parties and meetings. Most of the time, Naruto would stay home – projects and work being more important than this pointless gala. Although, half the time, it was Sasuke who made her stay home, followed with a harsh 'do your homework dammit! Do you want to be Dobe your whole life?' and Naruto obviously taking up on the challenge.
Glancing over at her again, he could see how much more pale her face had suddenly gotten only annoying him even farther. He brushed his lips against her ear in comfort as he spoke gently, "if you still feel like shit in an hour, we'll go home ok?"
Wordlessly, she nodded. Her insecurities growing larger with every glance and glare they received. God, she was going to throw up again. After what seemed like endless hours of torment, they finally made it to a rather large table housing at least fourty people. The blonde immediately noticed the main of the Uchiha family, the striking pale skin and raven hair being a dead giveaway. All had small approving or monotonous looks, except for Itachi. The elder Uchiha smiled at her warmly, an arm around his current boyfriend, Deidara. He was the only Uchiha who was not as pale since he had just came back from the Bahamas the night before. The other people at the table were business partners from Sasuke's meeting and they all looked absolutely unimpressed, staring at Sasuke with cold and calculating eyes.
A man with silver hair and round glasses smirked nastily, sloshing the liquid in his wine glass before asking slyly.
"Well Sasuke-kun, why don't you introduce your lovely guest to us?" The woman looked over at her husband's swift features becoming harsh before tightening his grip around her.
"Kabuto-san, gentlemen, this happens to be my wife, Naruto." Many of the men's partners for the night looked shocked; even some of the men at the table had surprised looks on their faces.
Ignorantly, Sasuke chose to ignore the stares they were getting and proceeded to walk up to his mother. The woman had smiled at her son before standing.
"Okaa-san," he greeted formally, kissing his mother's cheek before embracing her. (3)
"I wish you all the best on your birthday." Mikoto smiled cheerfully at him, before turning to Naruto. The blonde smiled cheerfully before speaking.
"I wish you all the best Mikoto-san." The raven woman laughed, hugging the blonde tightly.
"Thank you dear. And how many times have I told you now Naruto-chan? Please just call me Mikoto." The blonde woman smiled brightly, before being gestured to a chair by Sasuke. She sat down slowly, immediately tensing when she noticed who she was sitting beside.(5)
Current head of the Uchiha, and Sasuke's grandfather, Madara. Although Naruto had known the man her entire life, she worried about the two main things she knew about him.
1. The man was a sadistic bastard; and
2. He was not to be messed with. Ever. Under any circumstance.
What perfect luck Naruto had.
The elder man gave Naruto a curt nod, pouring her a glass of wine.
"Naruto, it has been a long time since I have seen you. I trust that your education is going well?"
She tried to smile without looking fake. He looked as impeccable and intimidating as ever. Despite being almost seventy years of age the man didn't look a day over forty. The geezer always had something up his sleeve... He was exactly like Sasuke -except more sadistic… was that even possible?
"It's going quite well Madara-san, I will be able to get my masters within a year or so." It was true, she worked so hard for that degree in business advertising that it wasn't even funny. The elder Uchiha gave her a small smile, passing the glass towards the blonde.
"Well then congratulations Mrs. Uchiha." She winced at the name before turning over politely to Sasuke who had conversed with his brother.
"S'uke," she whispered into his ear, staring at the wine suspiciously. "You don't think I'll get sick from the wine right?"
He turned his head to the side, examining the bottle quickly before replying in a whisper. "If anything, the alcohol in the wine will kill the bacteria in your stomach, or whatever's making you sick. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have a glass or two."
She nodded taking a small spit of the crimson liquid. She really hated wine.
The taste was too bitter, antiquated, and strong for her liking but at these parties it was the only 'sophisticated' option for her to drink. Taking another sip, she forced her face to stay calm and composed making herself look classy.
"So 'Naruto'," a voice called, "how long have you and Sasuke-kun been married?" a smooth and devious voice spoke with arrogance and disbelief in the tone.
Turning her head over, the twenty-four year old observed the man staring at her. Man he gave her the creeps. He had pale skin that seemed sickly under the light. Obsidian locks of hair reached over his shoulder, a freaky earring sticking out from it. He looked like a damn snake and she hated freaky, arrogant, snaky men like him.
She straightened her spine, placing the glass onto the table, and composed herself in a way that made her seem pissed, classy, and Uchiha - like.
Sasuke should be proud at her imitation of him. She looked right into the man's eyes, fiddling with the simple gold ban on her ring finger shamelessly. It was simple and elegant, nothing flashy or overbearing. She adored that ring with everything inside of her. The blue-eyed beauty knew Sasuke always wore his… was it so strange to believe he was married?
"We've been married for three years," she answered coldly, receiving a smirk from Mikoto as well as many harsh glares from the other women at the table with their partners. The snake like man only smirked, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
"Oh really? Strange that his wife hasn't gone to many of these gala's now hmm? I wonder why that might be…"
At that moment, Sasuke came to her rescue, sneering as he spoke in a dangerous voice, "my wife happens to still be in University, Orochimaru, and she takes pride in her studies. It would be foolish for her to waste time at these pointless gala's only boring herself to tears, when she could be studying at home. Wouldn't you agree?"
The silence that followed afterwards only caused a couple of Sasuke's closer relatives to smirk, proud of Sasuke for ending the discussion so easily. Smirking to himself, the young raven let his hand travel under the table's to grab Naruto's, giving her a delicate hand a comforting squeeze. The lazy kick he received as a response only made the raven grin at her, the blonde's smile lighting up the room. Orochimaru could only stare along with the rest of the guests at the table shocked, that Sasuke would even show so much emotion to this woman.
Dinner was a total drag, she thought glumly, sitting in her chair jadedly as Deidara and Itachi babbled on about something that didn't even grasp her attention. The fact that she couldn't even eat half of this delicious food only soured her mood. God damn it sucked having food poisoning or stomach flu, or whatever the hell she had caught. She didn't even care anymore. The only thing that mattered was that she wanted eat something and she wanted to eat it now.
Yet, instead of indulging in the fine French cuisine in attempts to satisfy the insatiable black hole known as her stomach, she was playing around with it. She felt like a child throwing a fit by wasting the food when in reality she was too afraid to try anything that might surprise her stomach with a curve ball. The last thing she needed to do was embarrass herself, and Sasuke, by throwing up everywhere.
But mostly herself.
Sighing out deeply, she crinkled her nose at Itachi and Deidara making kissy faces at each other.
They were the only ones left at the table, everyone else have gotten pulled into the bar, into conversations, or into the dance floor. Even Fugaku had surprised everyone by asking Mikoto's hand to dance. She had caught the leering smirk he had given her and shivered in disgust. She had never expected that Sasuke and Itachi got their sex appeal from Fugaku of all people.
Nonetheless, her irritation continued at her current situation. Now, not only was she sick, annoyed, and uncomfortable, she was isolated too. The blonde bet all her money on the fact that her husband's fangirls must be getting a riot out of this.
Feeling a sudden tap on her shoulder, she annoyingly tilted her head back, the ocean meeting dark depths. The man who had promised to stay by her side twenty four/seven was staring down at her with a hint of amusement. She felt his hands rubbing her shoulders as he spoke lowly, "may I have this dance?"
Snorting, the blonde shrugged his hands off, looking forward instead.
"You wish, you deceptive bastard. I'm staying right here until we leave."
Rolling his eyes at her dramatics, the raven pulled her up anyways, leading her towards the middle of the dancers, an arm secured around her waist.
"That was cruel," she breathed out, frowning as the flowed to the soft jazz. He smirked in response, pulling her closer, swaying between other couples. Glancing over his shoulder, the blonde gagged at the sight.
"What?" he ventured.
"Oh maaaan, looks like your parents are 'bout to get it on any second now. Didn't know your nymphomania came from your uptight military dad."
"That's just gross…" Sasuke sneered, looking over for himself before quickly turning back to Naruto. "Please tell me I did not just see what I think I just saw."
"What? You're dad making suggestive faces at your mom? Oh man it really does come from the Uchiha side of the family," she ventured, enjoying the raven's discomfort.
"I wonder if in forty years you'll be just like him. Utterly unsexy in every way shape and form. Then I'll be the only one who'll remember you ever even had a sex appeal."
"Shut up Dobe. You're just jealous that the majority of women in this room are eyeing me right now."
"But you only have your eyes on me," the blonde smiled, her eyes becoming brighter than they have been during these last couple of days.
He smirked, before pulling her closer and leaving a soft kiss on her forehead that lingered. "Seems like you're getting back to your old self," he joked before turning serious again. "Which remind me, how are you feeling?"
She hummed out lowly, "malnourished and tired, What time is it anyways?"
"About nine. They cut the cake at nine-thirty. Then we can go home, watch a movie and you can go to sleep."
"Only me?" the young mistress questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"I still have to clean up the loose ends from this entire situation and you know how much I hate leaving this tedious shit till the last moment."
She nodded in agreement before allowing her head to rest on his shoulder.
"That sounds great."
He smiled gently, allowing for his own head to drop into her mop of hair, inhaling the familiar sent of lavender and honey. He could stay like this forever, just with her. That is, before she opened her big mouth and ruined the moment like always.
"You know, I think I'm going to puke again…"
"If you vomit on me right now, in the middle of this god damn dance floor, I'm going to skin your ass alive."
"No," she looked up, her face becoming paler by the second. "I really am going to barf."
"Then what the fuck are you waiting for!" he growled, pulling her off the dance floor and leading her towards the bathrooms. "Go!"
She practically jogged towards the washrooms in her high heels, causing all eyes to turn not only onto her, but onto him as well. Of course she'd make a fool out of him in front of hundreds of guests. How typical.
"Sasuke, darling," his mother spoke slowly, touching his shoulder gently as she had stopped dancing with his father at the scene before them. "What's wrong with Naruto-chan?"
He sighed out deeply, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "She's been sick for the last couple of days. It wasn't until recently that she migrated from the flu to food poisoning."
"Oh my, poor Naruto…" she consoled, rubbing small circle's on her sons back. "I knew she was acting a little strange this evening. It's too bad that she's sick…"
Catching the hinting tone in his mother's voice, the suspicious raven turned around; eyes questioning at his mother's own playful orbs.
"What do you mean by 'too bad that she's sick'?" His mother shrugged, a foxy grin covering her face.
A grin that he knew all too well.
"Your father and I were hoping that she was pregnant."
Glaring down at his mother with an expression variegated between shock and anger, he rolled his eyes, burying his face into his hands.
Someone might as well just kill him now.
.
.
Footnotes:
(1 )Otouto – little brother in Japanese
(2) Usuratonkachi – 'usura' means thin in Japanese, while 'tonkachi' means hammer. A thin hammer is useless. Therefore, 'usuratonkachi' essentially means useless/clumsy idiot in Japanese.
(3) Okaa–san – Mother (formal) in Japanese.
(4) Mikoto–san – essentially Naruto is using the Japanese honorific 'san' as a way to say 'Mrs. Mikoto'. It's formal and polite.
(5) Naruto–chan – the Japanese honorific 'chan' at the end of Naruto's name is informal (showing their closeness) as well as makes it more affectionate and cute.
(August 10, 2013 update: All grammar and language has been corrected. Hopefully I haven't missed anything! If I have, do not hesitate to let me know!)
A/N: Just so everyone knows, this story is a project that I started almost two years ago; shortly after I had started Ghost Flowers. It was more of an experiment that I was extremely pleased with :P Hopefully you guys enjoy it and for those of you reading Ghost Flowers, take it as a consolation for the lack of updates Anyways, the original inspiration for this is what had happened to me in the summer. I was as sick as Naruto and that is exactly how I got my food poisoning/stomach flu virus thing. I was so mad at the time because I make pancakes almost every weekend and yes, I had forgotten the eggs and used expired cheese TT_TT Screw being sick with all the 'hallucinations' and just plain: I'm too tired to give a rat's ass about anything-ness.