Lol, Big Bang Theory goes Vampire Academy :O Written by Jess, beta-ed by Jules. We don't own shit.
Chapter 1 – Pilot
The two men walk down the hall, while the taller one babbles on,
"So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed, it will not go through both. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it left the plane, before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits."
"Agreed. What's the point?" he questions, confused. His black haired, blue eyed friend blinks.
"No point, I just think it would be a good idea for a t-shirt," he states. The brown-haired man rolls his eyes and opens the door. They approach the counter awkwardly, where a woman sits, doing a crossword puzzle.
"Hello," the shorter, brunette man says. The woman doesn't even glance up from her paper. The man leans over the counter slightly and examines the puzzle.
"One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is- move your finger, phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti," he tells her. She looks up, annoyed.
"Is this the high IQ sperm bank?" he asks.
"If you have to ask that, you're probably in the wrong place," she answers dryly, handing both men a clipboard, "Fill these out." They go to sit on the couch in the waiting room and began to fill out the papers. The taller man turns to his friend.
"Dimitri, I don't think I can do this," he states, uncomfortably.
"Are you kidding? You're a semi-pro," Dimitri says to his friend. He gives Dimitri an exasperated look.
"No, we are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm's going to generate high-IQ offspring. Think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers," Christian explains, as though it should be obvious.
"This was your idea," Dimitri states, annoyed.
"What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?" he asks.
"I'm sure she would still love him," Dimitri tells Christian.
"I wouldn't," Christian concedes. Dimitri gives him an irritated look.
"Fine, let's go then," he says to his roommate.
"What's the protocol for leaving?" Christian whispered back to him.
"I don't know," he sighs, shrugging, "I've never done this before."
"How about we just leave?" Christian suggests. Dimitri nods so they stand and creep towards the door.
"Bye," the women behind the desk says dryly. Both men look back and mumble a goodbye.
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
"Do you want to hear an interesting fact about stairs?" Christian asks Dimitri, as they walk up the stairs to their apartment.
"Not really!" Dimitri exclaims, mock excitedly.
"If the height of a stair is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip," he tells his friend anyway, ignoring the fact that he had no interest.
"I don't care. Two milli-" he trails off, "That doesn't seem right."
"It's true," Christian defends, "I did a series of experiments when I was twelve resulting in my father breaking his clavicle."
"Is that why they sent you to boarding school?" Dimitri asks, intrigued now.
"No, that was the result of my work with lasers," he answers as they reach the landing of their apartment. They stand, looking over at the open door of the apartment next to them. A pretty brunette girl, wearing short shorts and a tight t-shirt stands near the doorway, sorting through some things.
"New neighbor?" Dimitri asks quietly.
"It would appear so," Christian replies.
"Significant improvement over the old neighbor," Dimitri states.
"A two-hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition. Yes, she is," Christian replies in his usual snarky manner. Dimitri gives him a look and walks over, knocking on the open door.
"Oh, hello," the girl says, walking over to the door and leaning against the frame.
"I'm Dimitri and this is Christian," Dimitri introduces them, while Christian smiles awkwardly, "We live across the hall." He gestures behind them and Christian nods.
"Oh!" she exclaims in surprise, "How nice?"
"No!" Dimitri says, "We don't live together. Well, we live together but in separate heterosexual bedrooms." The girl grins at his awkwardness, finding it adorable.
"Well, I'm Rose," she tells the men, "It's nice to meet you." They exchange goodbyes and the boys head over to their apartment.
"Maybe we should invite her to eat with us," Dimitri suggests. Christian gives him a curious look.
"Why?" he demands.
"It's the neighborly thing to do," he defends his choice.
"We never invited Luis/Louise to eat with us," Christian counters.
"Well, we should have. We need to widen our circle," Dimitri tells Christian.
"I have a very wide circle," Christian sounds offended, "I have two-hundred-and-twelve friends on MySpace."
"You've never met one of them!" Dimitri shouts.
"That's the beauty of it!"
"I am inviting her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat," Dimitri says, starting to walk back out of their apartment. Christian follows.
"Chat? But we don't chat, at least not on-line," Christian says, still following Dimitri, who knocks on Rose's door. She opens it and smiles. Dimitri holds up the bag of food.
"We bought Thai food and were wondering if you'd like to join us for lunch," he says, still awkward around her, "It's curry based and you know what they say, a clean colon's a happy colon!" Christian leans closer to Dimitri.
"I don't think it's appropriate to mention bowel movements in a lunch invitation," he tells him. Rose smiles.
"I'd love to eat with you guys," she says, walking out of her apartment and closing the door.
"Wow," Rose says, walking over to the white-board set in the middle of the room, "Did you do all this?" She directs her question at Dimitri.
"No," Christian interrupts, "That's my board." He explains some of what's written on it to his new neighbor.
"Oh, so you're one of those beautiful minds?" she asks, sounding interested. Dimitri walks over to the other board on the other side of the room.
"I have a board, if you like boards," he says quickly, "This is my board."
"Holy smokes!" she exclaims, walking over.
"If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure," Christian intervenes.
"What?" Dimitri asks, confused.
"Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below 'here I sit brokenhearted'?" Christian retorts.
"Let's just eat," Dimitri huffs, sitting in the armchair next to the couch. Rose sits beside him, on the couch.
"Rose!" Christian exclaims.
"Yeah?" she asks, looking surprised.
"That's where I sit," he tells her.
"You can sit next to me," she says back.
"No, I sit there," he states.
"Why?" Rose is very confused by this point. Christian sighs and Dimitri has a pained expression on his face.
"In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to stay warm but not to perspire. In the summer, there is a lovely cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there," he gestures to the windows, "And it is angled in a way that I can see the TV without discouraging conversation but not get a crick in my neck. Need I go on?"
"Do you want me to move?" she asks.
"Yes," he responds. Dimitri looks at his roommate.
"Just sit down!" he snaps. Christian sits at the other end of the couch, looking uncomfortable.
"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" Rose asks, trying to make conversation.
"Today we tried masturbating for money," Christian supplies, helpfully.
"Enough about us!" Dimitri cries, "Tell us about you."
"Oh, well, I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know," she begins.
"Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality," Christian interrupts.
"Participate in the what?" she asks, puzzled.
"He just meant that's not what we expected," Dimitri intervenes on his roommate's behave.
"Oh, I know! Most people think I'm a water sign," she responds, "I'm a vegetarian except fish and steak. I love steak! I moved from Nebraska to L.A. to try to be an actress but I'm working at the cheesecake factory until I get started."
"I love cheesecake," Dimitri states.
"You're lactose-intolerant," Christian replies.
"I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea!" Rose smiles.
"Oh, anyways I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska, to be an actress and who ends up a waitress at the cheesecake factory," she says, trying to defuse the tension between the roommates.
"So, it's based on your life?" Dimitri asks.
"No, I'm from Omaha," she tells him.
"Ahh," he says.
"Yeah," she smiles and then frowns, "I should be happy but it's just so hard because of my stupid ex-boyfriend." She starts to cry and Christian mouths 'What's happening?' to Dimitri, who responds with 'I don't know.'
"Four years!" she exclaims, "I lived with him for four years! That's like as long as high school!"
"It took you four years to finish high school?" Christian exclaims, shocked.
"And now I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work!" she continues.
"Our shower works," Dimitri says.
"Would it be really weird if I used your shower?" she asks, hopefully.
"No," Dimitri shakes his head at the same time Christian says,
"Yes." Dimitri turns to his friend.
"No," he says sternly.
"No?" Christian asks.
"No!" he shouts. Christian turns back to Rose.
"No," he says. She smiles widely.
"You guys are so sweet!" she exclaims happily, earlier sorrows temporarily forgotten.
"It's right through there," Dimitri directs Rose. She smiles and walks down the short hallway.
"I think it might ruin your chances at having sex with her when she sees your Luke Skywalker tear-free shampoo," Christian says to his roommate.
"I'm just trying to be nice!" Dimitri defends, "And it's Darth Vador shampoo, Luke Skywalker is the conditioner."
"It's been some time since a woman has taken her clothes off in this apartment," Christian says, taking his plate into the kitchen.
"That's not true," Dimitri says, "Remember Thanksgiving when my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that attack?"
"That's true. It's been some time since a woman has taken her clothes off and we don't want to stab our eyes out after," Christian re-words his earlier statement.
"The worst part was when she carved that turkey," Dimitri shudders.
"You've got to see this!" Adrian says, letting himself into his friends' apartment, followed by Mason.
"See what?" Dimitri asks, starting to get fed up with everyone today. Mason takes the DVD from Adrian and puts it in the player.
"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture at MIT from 1974!" Adrian says excitedly.
"Now's not a good time," Dimitri sighs.
"It's before he became a creepy robot voice," Mason tells his friend, imitating the voice. Rose comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.
"Is there a trick to making the shower work?" she asks.
"Yeah, I'll get it," Dimitri says, walking over to her. Mason walks over quickly.
"Bon douche!" he says quickly.
"Excuse me?" Rose asks, raising her eyebrows, unable to just raise one.
"It means good shower in French, a sentiment I can convey in fourteen different languages," he explains. Rose nods and Dimitri leads her back to the bathroom and fiddles with the shower. It goes on.
"There it goes, it sticks sometimes," he says. Rose climbs in, "Oh, you're just gonna get right in." She throws the towel over the bar that holds the shower curtain. Dimitri starts to leave.
"Would it be completely out of line to ask you for a favor?" Rose asks, before he can leave.
"No, not at all. Favors are good," he stutters, "I'd do you a favor."
"Great!" she chirps, "Because my ex has my TV and I think he might respond better if I don't go to get it back."
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
"I don't see why we're doing this," Christian says as he rides in the car next to his roommate.
"Because Rose asked us to," Dimitri sighs.
"Doing her favors will not increase your chances of copulation." Dimitri ignores his friend and keeps driving.
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
The two men walk up to the doors of the apartment building and ring Rose's ex-boyfriend's apartment.
"Who is it?" a deep voice comes out of the speakers.
"My name is Dimitri," he says.
"I'm Christian," his friend butts in.
"We're here to get Rose's TV," Dimitri finishes.
"Go away," the voice says.
"We tried," Christian says, shrugging and walking away.
"We have a combined IQ of three-hundred-sixty. We can figure out how to get into a building," Dimitri says, stopping him. He walks up to the doors and pulls. He stops for a moment than pulls harder.
"I love seeing your mind at work," Christian tells him dryly. Two girl scouts walk up and ring all the bells. The door opens and they run inside.
"I wonder what their combined IQ is," Christian ponders. Dimitri glares at him.
"Catch the door!" he yells.
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
Dimitri knocks on the door of Rose's old apartment. A tall, muscular man opens it and stares down at them.
"How the hell did you get in here?" he demands, obviously realizing who it was.
"We're scientists," Dimitri says, crossing his arms awkwardly.
"Tell him about our IQ," Christian tells his friend.
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
"My mom bought me those pants," Christian states as they walk up the stairs to their apartment.
"I'm sorry!" Dimitri exclaims.
"You're gonna have to call her," his friend told him. Dimitri walks into the apartment with Christian on his heels.
"Oh my god!" Rose exclaims, "I'm so sorry! I thought he'd be less of an ass if I wasn't there."
"It was a valid hypothesis," Dimitri tells her, kindly.
"A valid hypoth- What has happened to you?" Christian demands, shocked.
"Let me grab my purse, dinner is on me!" she starts to run out of the apartment but turns back and hugs both guys.
"You two are so sweet!"
"Our babies will be smart and beautiful," Dimitri says, leaning against the door frame. Christian stands behind him.
"Not to mention imaginary," he says.
.~.~.~.TVT.~.~.~.
Dimitri drives down the road, with Christian in the passenger seat and Mason, Adrian and Rose in the back. Adrian is unable to speak because he is in the presence of a woman.
"How do you feel about Indian?" Rose asked.
"Oh no!" Christian says, "We had Thai for lunch."
"So what?" Dimitri asks.
"They're both curry based!"
"I know a sushi bar down the street that also has karoke," Mason says.
"That sounds fun!" Rose says. Mason starts singing.
"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mack daddy," Christian says to Dimitri.
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