Tallests Red and Purple had really been in overdrive lately. For the past week, they hadn't done anything but laze around snacking and command the other Irkens on the Massive to do whatever they felt like.

"You there! Bring us more doughnuts!"

"You there! Send a death threat to Planet Zaltova! They've had it too good for too long..."

"You there! Break your own wrist! ...now dance! Hehe..."

"YEAH, now, uh...throw yourself out the airlock!"

The one they had just addressed trembled. "But if I do that, I'll die."

"You dare defy us?!" gasped Purple. "To the dungeons with you!"

"Uh, my Tallest, there are no dungeons here on the Massive," muttered a tiny robed Irken who had just entered the room.

"Messenger Shmeer? What do you want?" asked Tallest Red. "And why have you not brought a greeting gift for your Tallest?"

"Yeah, where's my new kitchenware?" Tallest Purple inquired.

"Well, that's just the thing. I'm afraid you two aren't the Tallest anymore," Shmeer explained. "A guy named Cusar has just graduated from the military academy, and he's taller than the both of you. He'll be here to take your place any minute."

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Red and Purple.

"Wait, so I don't have to throw myself off the ship? And I can stop dancing?" asked the "defiant" Irken from before.

"Yeah, no, you're good," said Messenger Shmeer.

"Woo-hoo!" the Irken cheered before running off, their broken wrist flapping painfully in the air. "Hey, everyone! There's gonna be a NEW TALLEST!"

Red and Purple exchanged nervous looks.

"Surely there must be some mistake!" Red said desperately. "I mean, have you SEEN how tall we are?"

"Don't call me Shirley. And it's no mistake!" Shmeer insisted. "You can see for yourself when Cusar gets- -ah, here he is now! Tallest Cusar!"

Onto the Massive came the tallest Irken anyone had ever seen. He was nearly twice the height of Red and Purple and he had already been outfitted in the royal robes of an Irken leader. He gazed down upon the aghast former Tallest.

"I believe you're sitting in MY chairs."

Still in shock, Red and Purple moved out of the way. Cusar used both their chairs; one for his rear, and the other for his feet.

"Ah..." he sighed deeply before pointing at Shmeer. "You. You are now my royal food fetcher. Go fetch me some gelatin."

"Yes, my Tallest," Shmeer bowed and began making his way to the pantry. Red and Purple followed him.

"But! Shmeer! We can't just be...dethroned like that!" sputtered Red. "What about Operation Impending Doom 2? That's OUR thing!"

"Nooo, it's the TALLEST'S thing," corrected Shmeer. "And as of today, you're NOT the Tallest."

Purple held up a toy of himself. "But what about all our merchandise, huh? You're just gonna let all that go to waste?"

"Yep," said Shmeer. "That's worthless now."

"Forget the stuff!" Red smacked the toy away. "What about US?! What do WE do now?"

Shmeer shrugged, carrying the gelatin back to Cusar. "I'm just a food fetcher, man. You'll have to ask the Control Brains about that."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This process takes longer than I remember..."

"Shh!"

The former Tallests had their PAKs hooked up to a Control Brain, which was reading their information. Finally, a dinging noise rang out.

"Processing complete!" stated one of the brains.

"Okay, so what are our new jobs?"

"Skills: none. Strengths: none. Talents: none," read another brain. "You are two useless Irkens."

"What?!" Red said angrily. "That's impossible! We've graduated from the Irken military academy!"

"And we're so TALL!" added Purple.

The brains lowered them back to the floor. "Then let's see some military skills. Try firing a laser from your PAK."

"Simple! You just...uh..." Purple turned to Red. "How do you do that again?"

The red-eyed Irken shrugged.

"Your time as Tallest have made you both incompetent and lethargic," declared the center Control Brain. "You're unfit for ANY job."

"And you're weenies," another brain chimed in.

"The penalty for an Irken who is of no use to the empire is execution..." the middle brain went on. "HOWEVER! Because you are so tall, we shall grant you the option of exile as well."

"Phew!" Red uttered in relief. "Exile to where?"

"To the same place as the only Irken as useless as you two, of course!" snapped another brain. "Planet Earth! Where you shall reside with Zim, the food service guy!"

Purple raised his hand. "Sooo, execution's still on the table, right?"

"WAIT! We'll take the exile!" Red grabbed his partner's shoulder and murmured, "I've got a plan..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The ex-Tallest had been stuffed into a cramped escape pod, which was locked onto the coordinates of Zim's base. It caught fire as it entered Earth's atmosphere.

"Yow! Get your elbow out of my eye sockets!" chided Purple. "So, what's this plan of yours already?"

"It's obvious," Red smirked. "If that Cusar guy kicks the bucket, we regain our status as leaders of the Irken race."

"Yeah, and?"

"And who do we know who's the best at getting the Tallest killed?"

"Um...Zim?"

"And whose base are we headed for?"

"Zim's."

"Right!"

"...so, what's the plan?"

Red facepalmed. "Zim doesn't know we're not the Tallest anymore! So, we give him a new assignment; being Cusar's personal bodyguard! No doubt he'll be dead in a matter of hours! Or, worst case scenario, the plan fails and we still get to watch Zim bite the dust."

"Ooh! Good worst case scenario!"

KRRRSH!

"...I think we've landed," Red remarked. "Zim's gonna open the pod any second. Just play it cool and let me do the talking."

"MY CEILING! AH! AND MY FLOOR! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Zim's distinct voice came from outside. Soon afterward, the little Irken had forced the door of the pod open. He paused. "My...my...my...my Tallest...here? In my base?"

Red proudly floated out into Zim's living room. "Yes, Zim! It is us! Your- -"

"M-M-M-MY...MY TALLEST...HHHERE. Ohh..." Zim fainted, falling right on his face.

Red and Purple stared down at his still form.

"...did he just die?" whispered Purple.

"Reactivating," came Computer's voice. Zim's PAK shocked him back awake.

He pushed himself back onto his feet. "My Tallest! What a pleasure it is to see you in person again! Whatever brings you to the wonderful base of Zim?"

"Follow my lead," Red said over his shoulder. "Well, Zim, we've seen from your various transmissions that your mission has been going well. You've discovered all kinds of human weaknesses, haven't you?"

"Uh, YES!" lied Zim. "Hehe, sooo many..."

"And since it seems like you've got stuff pretty wrapped up here, we've decided to promote you to a new, more prestigious job!" declared Red. "And it was so important, we decided to stop by and tell you in person!"

"More prestigious? Than being an invader?" Zim's eyes got all sparkly at the thought.

"Yeah, that's right!" piped up Purple. "You're going to be the bodyguard for Tal- -OOF!" He'd received a hard nudge in the side from Red. "I mean, uhh, Commander Cusar."

"Oh...bodyguard..." Zim repeated, downtrodden.

"What's wrong? This is a great honor that we just made up!"

"I know, my Tallest...I was just hoping my new job would involve some destroying...or something along those lines."

"Well, uhhh, you get to destroy anyone who gets on Cusar's nerves!"

"Ah!" Zim brightened up again. "Well, then, it seems my time on Earth has come to an end! But who's going to watch the humans before the Armada arrives?"

"Uhh, we'll get Skoodge or one of the other non-busy invaders to do it for you. Don't worry about it!"

"If you say so! GIR!"

GIR crawled out from under the couch. "Hellooo?!"

"Get the Voot ready! We're officially leaving this wretched world behind!"

"'bout time!" GIR dashed into the kitchen and leapt down the trash can.

"Um," Zim faced the Tallest hesitantly. "GIR is coming with me, right?"

The ex-monarchs shrugged. "The more destruc- -I mean, protection Cusar has, the better."

"Ha-haaa! So, my Tallest, when will the Armada be here to CONQUER the humans?" Zim inquired eagerly.

"Uh, later. Much later," Purple said bluntly.

"Oh, but I want to be here to see it when it happens!"

"Too bad."

"Then, uh, when are we going to the Control Brains to ha- -?"

"Much, much later! Zim, Cusar needs you right NOW!"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Zim whipped out his communicator. "GIR, is the Voot Cruiser ready to take off?"

"Almost!" came GIR's voice. An explosion was heard. "Okay, now!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"GIR, can you believe it? The Tallest! Riding in MY ship!"

"I can't feel my neck!" replied GIR, who was being crushed beneath Red.

"I know, it's a dream come true! Ah, almost forgot!" Zim pressed a button on the dashboard. "Computer, be sure to tell Skoodge and Minimoose that it's their job to signal the Armada and be ready for them when they get to Earth! Make sure they don't make a mess of things, tarnish my reputation and whatnot."

"Zim, could you just speed this up?" Purple said, squished against the windshield. "There's hardly enough room in here for all of us."

"Yes, my Tallest!" Zim shifted into maximum overdrive.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Well, here we are, on the Massive!" Zim announced frivolously. "So, where is this Commander Cusar? What does he look like?"

"Ohhh, yeahhh," Red scratched his chin. "We forgot to tell you something important about Commander Cusar, Zim. Uh, he's short. Like, really, really, short. He...wears big stilts to make himself feel better. They make him look even taller than us, when he SO isn't! We'd normally be really against this, but he's so insecure about it, we let it slide. But it'd be best if you didn't mention it to him."

"Such compassion!" Zim saluted the two. "I promise to extend as much, if not more, sympathy towards Cusar as you, my Tallest!"

"Good. Now, if you need us, we'll be hiding back in your ship for no particular reason," said Purple. He and Red turned and left.

"OKAY, BYE! Well, GIR, we'd better find Commander Cusar and guard him with our lives!"

"Like how you guard that moldy ol' sandwich with your life!"

"GIR, you know that sandwich is a prized possession of mine! It was the Tallest's gift to me at the Great Assigning! And did anyone ELSE receive a gift from them? NO! That's how I know I'm their favorite."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Purple seemed uneasy. "I don't know about this...do you think we've talked ourselves into a corner?"

"Nah, these things have a way of working themselves out. Usually in some witty manner," Red said nonchalantly. "Nothing left to do but wait and hope either Zim or Cusar end up on the chopping block. Besides, when have any of MY ideas gone south?"

"Weeell..."

"Don't need to answer that."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Zim whistled on his way down the halls of the Massive. "I wonder if Cusar knows I'm coming. I hope he doesn't, honestly...I wonder what he'd be doing here instead of commanding the smeets. Oh, well, I'm sure he's just stopping for a break. From those heathens. And it must be exhausting walking on stilts all day. But that's the price small fries like him have to pay, ha-ha. I really shouldn't say such things about the guy. Oh, well. I am Zim. I sure hope lots of people bother him and I get to do lots of destroying! GIR, have you found him yet?"

GIR looked up from the floor. "I wasn't lookin'."

"Tch, you're so unfocused, GIR! I swear, if you spent as much time doing your job as you did running your mouth, I could've taken over the Earth mega-eons ago. Better fix that attitude! But that reminds me, I should call Minimoose later and make su- -"

"Found him!"

"Heh?"

"The stilt-y guy!" GIR pointed into a room. "He's right over there!"

"Aha!" Zim went dashing in there. "CUSAR!"

He was immediately blocked by the other Irkens that were present.

"Ugh...Zim, you're STILL alive? STILL?" one of them asked.

"Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!" Zim nodded.

"What do you want?"

"I have been appointed Cusar's personal bodyguard! Ask the Tallest if you don't believe me!"

The group of Irkens all looked back at Cusar, who shrugged. Zim was let through.

"Ahem! No doubt you are honored to meet me. Zim shall be your faithful bodyguard from now on! If anyone disturbs you, I have full permission to destroy them! That's how it works, see?"

"Yeah, sure," Cusar agreed nonchalantly.

Zim stuck his tongue out at the other steaming Irkens.

"GIR, come!"

GIR was immediately at his side.

"Mission BEGIN!" Zim declared excitedly.

And so, Zim and GIR began their diligent watch over Tallest Cusar. They watched him eat...and sit...and eat...and play some apps...and also eat.

Zim groaned to himself as he followed Cusar into the Massive's kitchen for the umpteenth time. "GIR...is it just me, or is this guy the laziest commander in the entire history of forever?"

"Just you!" GIR quipped, stuffing his face.

"And what's worse, NOBODY has bothered him yet! I haven't destroyed anything in so long..." Zim sulked. Just then, he saw Shmeer run by. "Messenger Shmeer? What are YOU doing here? Hey, that rhymed."

"Oh..." Shmeer looked Zim up and down. "YOU. For your information, I am no longer a messenger! I have been appointed royal food fetcher by the Tallest!"

"What's that oozy stuff you're carrying?"

"It's gelatin! Cusar's favorite! Hehe, want some?"

Zim made a face. "No."

Neither him nor Shmeer noticed GIR licking from the bowl.

"So, what are you doing here, Zim? Weren't you on some secret mission in a distant galaxy or something?"

"Yeah, I WAS, but I've taken care of that," Zim said with arrogance. "I conquered Planet Earth with such minimal effort that the Tallest had to recognize my greatness."

"Uh-huh..." Shmeer was skeptical.

"And now I've become Cusar's bodyguard!"

"Wooow. You've really moved up in the empire, huh?"

"That's right!"

"You've come pretty far from completely ruining Operation Impending Doom 1 and getting all those invaders massacred. HA-HA! HA..." laughed Shmeer. "Memories."

"Uh...haha..." Zim couldn't tell whether or not he was being made fun of.

"Well! I'm just going to take this to Cusar!"

"You do that, citizen," Zim squinted after Shmeer as he walked off. "...GIR!"

"Yes, master?!" GIR's eyes flashed red.

"Keep an eye on Commander Cusar for me. Make sure Shmeer doesn't do anything...weird to him. I'm going to go report to the Tallest!"

XXXXXXXBACKINTHEVOOTXXXXXXX

"Pin!" Purple squashed Red's thumb down with his own. "I win again!"

"NO! Aw, come on, best 3 out of 5!"

Suddenly, Zim opened the windshield. "HELLO, SIRS!"

"AGHHH!"

"Zim! Will you keep it down? What are you DOING back here?"

"My apologies!" Zim squeezed himself into the vessel. "But I was just speaking to Messenger Shmeer, or 'Royal Food Fetcher Shmeer' I suppose he is now, and he- -!"

"We don't care, Zim!" Purple cut in.

"Yeah! We don't! Just keep a close eye on Cusar and keep him safe! For all you know, he could be getting assassinated as we speak!"

"I guess..." Zim said dejectedly. "That was kind of what I came to tell you, though! I don't think Shmeer can be trusted! He was feeding Commander Cusar gelatin and being really annoying about it!"

"Gelatin? Gross!" Purple stuck his tongue out before locking eyes with Red.

"Wait, gelatin? You don't think...?" Red turned back to Zim. "Zim, slight change of plans! Forget about guarding Cusar for the moment and look into that gelatin thing. Try to find out how it's made."

"My Tallest, gelatin is made by combining p- -"

"THAT'S AN ORDER! NOW GO!"

"Oof!" Zim was shoved out right onto his face. He stood and dusted himself off. "Welp! Time for the master of disguise to do some espionage! ...too bad I left my disguise module at the base. But no matter! Zim is also the master of improv!"

XXXXXXXSOMETIMELATERXXXXXXX

"Cool. Next. Cool. Next. Cool. Next. Cool. Next...Zim, what are you doing?"

"SHOOT!" Zim uttered. "Uh, I-I mean, I am not Zim! I am an incredibly realistic statue of Zim! And I demand to be let into the storage facility!"

Behind him, GIR nodded. (GIR was piloting the moving dolly that Zim was flamboyantly posing on.)

The tired storage worker heaved a sigh before scribbling something. "Fine, just don't mention this to the Tallest."

"Of course not! PUSH, GIR!" Zim held his pose all the way into the Massive's storage room. "I'm SO going to mention him to the Tallest! That...whatever his name was! I'll get it later. Now! To look for that gelatin."

So, Zim and GIR split up. A place this huge would be the perfect place to hide something from the Tallest.
Zim marched past all the stockpiles of snacks, very tempting weapons and useless merchandise, but after almost eleven minutes of searching, he had yet to find anything.

"Come on...if I were discreetly manufacturing a revolting snack food, where would I be?" he pondered aloud. He stopped to lean against the wall, and it caved in a little. "Hoo-wha-wha? A secret passage!"

"Secret passage accessed," an electronic voice rang out. "State password."

"Password? Zim was not informed of any password! Who came up with this?"

"Classified."

"Hmph!" Zim poked himself in the forehead repeatedly. "Mmm...perhaps the Tallest integrated a clue into their speech. Sneaking it in in case anyone overheard. Clever."

"You don't have to say all this out loud, you know."

"I GOT IT! The password is 'care'!"

"No..."

"Oh...then, it's 'eye'!"

"No."

"Then, 'gross'!"

"No!"

"'Assassinated'!"

"If I just open up, will you stop guessing?"

"Yeah!"

"Fine, then." The door slid open. "Get inside me."

"Wow, really? You're quite the ineffectual security system."

"Well, some of us have a lot to see in this life. Ain't wasting it on you."

"Pff. Computers," Zim scoffed as he made his way down the passage.

After levels and levels of winding stairs, he finally reached the place that was being concealed. Thoroughly exhausted, he dragged himself into a homey little laboratory. He spent a few seconds examining the beakers and test tubes and such strewn all over the tables before ducking behind one of them when he heard a metallic sound. Peeking out, he realized that the noise had come from an elevator.
Zim smacked himself in the forehead for not noticing that, then waited with bated breath as it opened.

And the one who stepped out was none other than...

SHMEER!

"The one possible suspect! I was SO right!" Zim uttered before covering his mouth.

He covertly watched as Shmeer fiddled with some of the chemicals.

"Heh, perfect..." Shmeer chuckled. "I've still got so much to spare. Nothing can stop us now."

"AHAAA!" Zim popped up. "You're caught! Red-handed! BOIII!"

Shmeer blinked a couple times. "Caught doing what?"

"...um...well, you were talking to yourself in a suspicious manner! So fess up to whatever crime you've committed! EEP!" Zim flinched as a ray gun was pressed between his eyes.

"Zim, Zim, Zim," Shmeer shook his head. "You should know better than to sneak up on someone who hates you without any means for bargaining. For shame..."

Zim gulped.

"Hehe. But it IS pretty cool seeing you so scared for your life, so...what the heck?" The robed Irken shrugged. "I'll bite! I'll drag this out, give my little exposition dump, and then splatter your brain-meats all over that wall. Oh, wait, that wall just got new paint..." He put the gun between Zim's antennae instead. "Better! So, as you may or may not know, Cusar and I go way back. We were part of the same sect in the military academy. But unlike YOU and pretty much everyone else, we didn't want to be invaders! It sounded terrible! Being forced away from our people to live amongst some inferior race, in constant fear of being exposed, only to barely get rewarded if and when we accomplish a mission?"

"Hey, only some of that is true- -!"

"SHUT THE FRICK UP, THIS IS MY TIME! As I was saying, we were held at that awful academy against our will. The Tallest wanted more invaders for whatever their future plans were. Just to earn a chance at some job we didn't even want! So, Cusar and I struck a little deal. I, being more of a scientific guy, developed a chemical to make Cusar taller! And with it, he, being the taller guy, would become the Tallest and appoint me the highest royal position I wanted! I even kept up the diet after I graduated and became a messenger by sneaking it into gelatin. But I ain't stoppin' there! The more gelatin I feed Cusar, the taller he'll get. At this rate, NO Irken will EVER surpass his almighty height! And he and I will live the rest of our lives in luxury! Pretty clever, eh?"

"Well, I mean, I have a couple questions..."

"Too BAAAD. I got stuff to do." Shmeer cocked the gun. "Any last words, man?"

"Uhh...!" Zim's eyes darted around the lab. He didn't want this to be the last thing he ever saw! He wanted it to be his reflection, or an explosion, or...! "My Tallest!"

"Huh?!" Shmeer turned and saw them in the doorway.

He gasped, pointing his ray gun at them. At this, Zim slipped under the table and knocked over the stool Shmeer was standing on, causing him to fall to the floor and drop the gun.

"OOF!" he cried. He grunted as Zim shoved the gun into his cheek.

"Shmeer! You and Cusar are frauds!" bellowed Red. "You knew that drug-induced tallness is against the law! This empire's all-natural, son!"

"Says who?! You jerks?! The two Tallests who- -!"

"SILENCE!" hissed Zim. "My Tallest, should I kill him?"

"Nahhh," Purple waved. "I think we should let the Control Brains decide what to do with him and Cusar. Take him away!"

A small group of Irkens who had been waiting outside the room entered and apprehended Shmeer.

"Heyheyhey! What makes you think everyone's going to believe you guys?" he spat. "You can't prove NOTHIN'!"

"Oh, yes, we can!" Red pointed at his wrist. "We've recorded everything! The whole empire's going to hear it and probably make remixes of it! This is what you get for being dumb enough to vividly tell your whole backstory!"

"HA!" Zim taunted.

Shmeer's face fell. "Well...well, how'd you know where to find me?"

"Your secret passage was left open," Purple explained. "Some of the storage workers found it. And, uh...they may have also found us in Zim's ship. So we snuck down here with them to prove Cusar shouldn't be the Tallest!"

"Yeah, after you begged us," murmured one of the workers.

"What was that?!"

"N-Nothing, my Tallest!"

"THAAAT'S RIIIGHT."

"Well...well...! Well, what made you suspect me?" Shmeer asked. "I always served you loyally! Come on!"

Red crossed his arms. "Poor, naïve Shmeer. If only you'd paid the slightest bit of attention in the academy. What do you think made drug-induced tallness illegal in the first place? A pair of Irkens pulled this gelatin scam ages ago."

"Yeah, and gelatin's gross!" Purple added.

"Yeah. Any more questions?"

Shmeer was completely limp at this point. "...no."

"Finally! Take him! Shoo! Shoo-shoo-shoo!" Purple waved the group off.

"Excellent..." Red rubbed his hands together. "Now all we have to do is shove Cusar in front of those control brains and we'll be back in business...URGH!"

Zim was excitedly grabbing the hem of Red's robe. "My Tallest, I am EVER so grateful! You saved me from that backstabbing Shmeer!"

The two Tallests looked down at him in silent disgust.

"UM!" Zim eased back and smugly twirled the ray gun. "That is to say...! Clearly, I could have handled him myself!" He froze as an unintentional blast hit the floor.

The Tallests shook their heads, then turned to leave.

"My Tallest?" Zim spoke up again. The pair glanced back at him. "Um...I have a plethora of questions about this whole ordeal...but what I mean to ask is, what do I do now that Cusar's being convicted?"

"Ugh, Zim," Purple rolled his eyes. "Your skull's thicker than the hull of this ship."

"Heh?"

"Just go back to whatever you were doing before!" Red ordered. "BYE."

As the Tallest exited the lab, Zim felt something akin to sadness. He was going back to Earth...? So, he apparently hadn't made as much progress as he'd thought...
This solemn feeling hung over him as he took the next elevator.

But then he remembered.

He was an Irken invader! He had his own special secret mission! And he was going to DESTROY STUFF!

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Zim shoved some lesser being to the ground as he dashed out of the elevator.

He happily ran all the way back to his ship.

"GIR, we're leaving!" he announced.

"Hiho!" GIR inexplicably showed up and hopped into the Voot with a bunch of stuff he had stolen from storage.

Zim pressed a button on the dashboard. "Computer!"

"Whaaat?" it replied.

"Ignore my previous command! Skoodge and Minimoose don't have to do squat!"

"Good, 'cause I didn't tell them anyway..."

"THANK YOU, MY TALLEEEST!" Zim sang as they took off, blasting through space.

XXXXXXXBACKONTHEMASSIVEXXXXXXX

Tallest Red's antennae perked up. "Did you hear something?"

"Nope!" Tallest Purple replied. "Nothing but Shmeer and Cusar workin' on that new dungeon they're gonna rot in! Sure was cool of the brains to get that officiated."

"Yeah, cool...wanna go back to abusing our power?"

"You know it."

(A/N: Geez Louise! Talk about a lengthy one-shot! Can hardly believe I even finished it! But I did, and I'm pretty proud of it! I know it ain't perfect...but it's complete. *exhale*

I think this is the most crap I've ever made up about Irkens. *sweats nervously* Or plan to. I really try to avoid doing that, but I think things were plausible enough here. I think.

Well, hope you enjoyed! Please review, fave, point out any errors and check out my profile for more! Au revoir!)