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Letting Go
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I wondered how he could be so stupid, as I sat there and listened to his pathetic explanation of his reasons for accepting his execution so easily. I had started tuning him out about halfway through, because I had heard it all before. He just kept going around in that endless cycle of apologies and badly thought-out explanations, losing his place so that he kept needing to start over. He was beginning to sound like a "stuck record," as Rukia had once said about Ichigo when he got flustered and began to stutter the same thing countless times. I knew he had noticed that I was no longer listening to him, but I didn't care. He couldn't honestly expect me to pay attention when he couldn't even move on from "I'm sorry."
"Akane, please, you have to forgive me. I know I should have fought back, I know how much it hurt you, I'm sorry, just-" I didn't bother to let him finish. He was still just going around in circles. "I have to forgive you? I don't have to do anything. I'm sick of listening to you tell me the same thing over again, I think I'm done here." I pushed myself up off the tatami mat on the floor, adjusting my haori, which had been become somewhat rumpled from being on the floor so long, as well as my slouched posture. "When you can say something new, I'll talk to you again."
He stood up with me, catching my wrist before I could leave. "Akane, please...I'm back now, doesn't that mean a thing? Can't you just let it go?" I shot him a look that clear as crystal told him that I didn't want to hear it, snatching my hand out of his. "Gomen ne, Hakudoushi-taichou, but I need to head back to my division." He looked at me as though I had struck him, which by now, I was quite seriously considering. He made no move to stop me this time as I left his office, but I could hear the single comment he made to himself as I slid the shoji doors closed behind me:
"What happened to us?"
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I thought about the question he had posed not only to himself, but to me as well, as I lay awake that night as I had done for so many over the years. "What happened to us," he had said. What, indeed. After he had died, all I ever wanted was for him to return, to smile at me like he always had, to laugh with me at the memories of the times we had shared so many years ago, to hold me in his arms as he always used to do when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or just for no reason at all. And when he finally did, all I could show him was anger, resentment, and hate. The man I had loved for so long just didn't appeal to me anymore, and for the life of me I couldn't understand why.
I sighed. It looked like tonight was going to be another sleepless night, and that was the last thing I needed. Perhaps some fresh air would help to clear my mind.
I shed my yukata and quickly changed into my shihakusho, slipping my feet into my waraji and loosely tying them, not bothering to make sure they were tight. I wasn't going anywhere in particular, it didn't really matter.
I paused in the doors, looking over at Touitsu and wondering if I should take it with me. I decided against it; what were the odds that I would need it this late at night, and in Soul Society, no less? In an entire city of Shinigami, no Hollow would dare show itself unless it had a death wish.
I kept my eyes towards the dirt road, breathing deeply as though the clean air could clear my mind of the thoughts that plagued me day and night. Why couldn't I free my mind of these troublesome notions? It shouldn't have bothered me so much. But the more I tried to forget about them, the more persistent they became. I had never thought it was possible to actually get a headache from thinking too hard, but lately I had started to prove myself wrong. The lack of sleep was bad enough, but being awake all night with a splitting migraine was absolutely unbearable. More than once, I had thought of asking Unohana-taichou for something to help me sleep, but I had never liked taking pills if I didn't have to, so I never did it.
I probably should have been paying attention to where I was going, and I definitely should have tied my waraji a bit tighter, because the ties snapped and I pitched over rather suddenly. I braced myself for the inevitable impact with the dirt, but before I hit the ground, someone caught me and set me back on my feet. Someone with a white captain's cloak. Someone I really didn't want to see.
"Alright there, Akane?" Upon hearing his voice, it was all I could do to keep from glaring at him. What part of "I want to be alone" was so hard for him to understand?
"Daijobu," I muttered as I leaned down to retie my waraji, groaning inwardly when I saw that the left one was broken. I lost more sandals this way, I thought, tying it in a careless knot and making a mental note to replace it tomorrow. I straightened up and turned to leave, stopping only when I heard him sigh miserably. "All you ever do anymore is walk away from me. I know I hurt you, Akane, and if I could, I'd change that. I know I can't alter the past, but I can try to fix what I did, if you'll just let me. I can't stand seeing you look at me that way...I can't repair the damage if you won't allow me to." I turned to face him, looking up to meet his eyes. For the first time since he came back, I could see the pain in those eyes, what he tried so hard to hide but couldn't keep from me. "I still love you...and if you don't feel the same anymore, then just tell me. It'll be so much easier for both of us if I know, because then I'll be able to leave you alone, to give up."
Was that really what I wanted? Did I really want him to give up, or was I simply trying to protect myself from getting hurt again? I didn't know. I had no answer to give him. "Please, Akane...if you hate me now, then just go ahead and say it. I can take it."
I didn't hate him! How could he say that? I may have been treating him badly, but I didn't hate him, never! I was insulted that he would even think that.
I did the only thing a girl in my situation could do. I slapped him across the face, hard. For every time he had ever hurt me, for every time he had ever hurt himself, for every stupid decision he had ever made, for every foolish question he had ever asked, for every doubt he had ever had in me, and for every single thing he had ever done wrong.
It took me a moment to register what I had just done, and immediately I regretted it. But I didn't look away from him, I just waited for him to respond. But he didn't. He only stood there, looking stunned. I wanted him to say something, anything, to acknowledge that I had hit him, to yell at me for it, to ask me what the Hell I did that for, but he didn't do any of those things. He just stood there, staring at me in disbelief.
"Hakudoushi, I-..." I couldn't say anything else. My mind screamed at me to tell him why I had done that, to apologize, but my voice refused to obey.
He looked away sadly. "Well...now I know. Thank you." Then, moving past me to leave, he uttered the phrase I so hated hearing from him. "I'm sorry." Then, he was gone.
I wanted to follow him, to chase after him and apologize for what I had just done, but I couldn't move from that spot. And as I collapsed to my knees and allowed myself to release my pent-up tears, I realized that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go.
-Owari-
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Author's Note: Well, I know I said I was on a hiatus, but I REALLY needed to write something. And I was proud of this, so I decided to put it up. A lot of the stuff, i.e. the death and revival references, won't make sense to most of you readers, since the only one other than me who really knows anything about it is Kaikura, and even she doesn't know the exact details, but that's not something I wanted to bother explaining. These two characters, Akane and Hakudoushi, are MINE. My two Bleach OCs, whom I absolutely adore, and put a LOT of work into. You don't like them? Good for you. Nobody forced you to read this.
Again, no damn stupid reviews (I'm STILL getting them, people, cut it out.) and no flames.
For the record, yes, they are the same Akane and Hakudoushi from my Aitou no Shinigami drabble collection, thank you for noticing. And yes, there will be a sequel to this story, thanks for asking. When, you ask? When I feel like it, and not a moment sooner.
Oh, last thing. If you were wondering what "Touitsu" is, that's Akane's Zanpakutou. It's weird, when I was designing it, I had never seen Tobiume before, and wouldn't you know it, it's initial release form turned out to look a lot like Tobiume's. Go figure.