Fallen

by SexySesshieSama

Based off of the album by Evanescence, the story of Iris Jean's pain and suffering as she loves and receives nothing but pain in return. SesshomaruOC Angst Dark Rape Language. Hopefully will someday become the story I plan it to be.

Fallen

This story is based off a story from my old account, telling the tale of my OC Iris Jean as she battles with herself and her love, Sesshomaru. She loves him, but he, as a demon, abuses and uses her. She changes a lot in this time period, and in order for me to write about it I have to finish what I've started, which I don't see happening sadly enough. I always thought that Fallen the album by Evanescence expressed her story so well. I've been thinking about it for a very long time, over a year, ever since two moves ago. It's a very emotional album for me, so beautiful and meaningful; if I was ever to cry over music it would be to these songs. I love Evanescence, it is my favorite band, I love Inuyasha, it is my favorite anime, I love iris Jean, she is my favorite personality, and I love Sesshomaru, he is my favorite character—here is the result. (Wow...I talk too much. Sorry.)

Going Under

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried

It was so hard, so painful. This horrible feeling had been consuming me, planted in my heart and destroying me from there outwards for so long, like a flesh-eating disease that attacked on a metaphysical level; I have only begun to notice it now, after all this time, only just begun to feel this pain that was too terrible to bear. It was a truly wretched feeling, as if my heart was melting and my soul catching on fire, acid destroying all that I was and all that I could ever hope to become, far more dangerous and deadly than anything else I had ever before experienced or even contemplated. I began to hate the cause of it, that cruel bastard, that abusive son-of-a-bitch I loved oh-so-very much.

But that's how he had been able to hurt me, my love for him, my undeniably strong love, the love that overtook every molecule of my being, and look at where it's gotten me. Following him around like the little lackey-bitch-slave that I am, to be ignored until he wants to use me, slamming me into a tree until his release, from which he calmly walks away. But I can't deny him; I can't push him away; I can't hate him. I can only collapse and cry, too weak to feel anger, too weak to feel anything by that mind-numbing soul-consuming heart-destroying madness that says it is all my fault. After all this time, all of this time with me loving him, this is what I get. It must be my fault, because he is so perfect, so beautiful, so wonderful...

A part of me feels grateful. At least I am of some use to him, my love.

Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me

At first it was all my fault. I was the one who desired him, who forced him to give in. He hadn't particularly wanted to, as if he knew what the consequences would be, what would result of it, but the dumb human slut in me wouldn't let it be. Using every power I possessed as an enchantress I had made him want me, made him need me, right there, right then. He had been long without, and his willpower was the only thing keeping him going. The need wasn't so strong that he was unable to turn it away. But once he tore my virginity away he couldn't have enough. He just couldn't. I had opened him up to something he had forgotten for a long time. He, as a dog and as a male and as a demon, couldn't stop.

I didn't want to the second time around. I was still aching from the first, the tearing of my hymen more painful than I had thought it would be. The amount of blood looked great on the insides of my thighs, hard to clean off in the little streams that were the only water we came into contact with on a daily basis. And when I wouldn't put out willingly he had taken what he desired, so great was his need. My fault, really. It hurt even worse, yet felt so wonderful. His claws dug into my flesh, opening more wounds, causing more blood to flow. As he attained his release I screamed, mingling pain and pleasure. He didn't care. He redressed quickly and was off as if nothing had happened.

I had to lie to Mother and Madeline when I returned home. I said that there was a demon whose poison made the wounds it created unable to heal by magic. Mother accepted that readily while Madeline did not, but I persisted until she let it go. She was suspicious, for she can sense truths and what I said was but a small part of the whole, and I had to work hard to squash her worry, lest she figure things out.

But after that fateful time he no longer took stock in me. It was as if I was lowered in his eyes. He ignored me, trusting Rin and Jaken and even Ah-Un more than he did me. I was nothing in his eyes but a cheap fuck. Only there for pleasure. Once, when I speaking to him with more force than was wise, trying to make him believe me, he struck me, snarling for me to be quiet. I was so scared, I couldn't stop crying, and he struck me again, fucking me until I was too exhausted to do anything but pass up and allow sleep to consume me, to allow me to forget for however short a time the nightmare my perfect life had become.

I don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once

At first I felt nothing but despair, but after a while to hide my sadness and my broken heart I grew cold and angry, even worse than my beloved sister. Every time Sesshomaru spoke to me I ignored him, batting away his attempts to help me as we crossed bridges and the like. Never were his gestures out of kindness, always were they out of belittlement, as if I was so weak, so worthless, so pathetic that I needed him to move on. Never again. I didn't need him.

He had saved me once, twice, a hundred times over. He had shown me true love, the kind that gives you wings. But that is only a fleeting facade. If not returned, true love is nothing but pain. The sweetest pain I had ever experienced. The kind I never wanted to end. Although...it was so terrible, that although I never wanted it to end, I wanted me to end so that a numbness could fill me. I no longer wished to feel anything. Life no longer appealed to me. Not in this horrid form it had taken.

But I hung on, suffering his use of me and my one-sided love. If nothing else, I wanted to show him that I didn't need him to survive, to go on. He didn't care, not in the slightest, but he looked down at me enough as it was. I was determined to live on with my head held high no matter how it hurt. Perhaps I would break free one day, show him who was stronger. He was weak compared to me, I knew...now if only I could believe myself and my half-hearted words.

Not tormented daily defeated by you

His mere presence was painful to me. Seeing him, in all his grace and beauty, seeing all that had made me fall in love in the first place. All that I now hated for what it did to me. To keep me in line, for I was growing defiant, he would beat me regularly, making sex hurt so that I could hardly walk, blood dribbling down my legs as if I was cut from within, sore and bruised in places I had never before taken much stock in, muscles that I never even knew I had aching so horribly I wanted to scream, then making me walk anyway. I was covered in scratches, blood pouring from me afterwards and when I awoke. The simplest movement caused pain to blossom and blood to flow. I couldn't go home, not in that condition, not without my mother worrying and Madeline figuring things out. Better to let them think I am dead, or at least too busy to go home. Far better that they grieve my death than discover their beloved, perfect little angel was an abused and pathetic little whore.

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

And, of course, as it always is in life, just when you think things are as bad as they can ever get, they get worse. The rapes, the beatings, they just weren't enough. Sesshomaru began to haunt me himself, his words cutting like razors, even during the act. He would sneer down at me, calling me things, rising to the surface my worse fears, my greatest worries, the things that haunted me in the night. He made them real. When I think them, they are nothing. They are dismissible. When he said them, they became everything. Undeniable, just like him. Truths stronger than the air I breathed and the tears I cried. They filled me, and refused to let me go.

I thought things were bad, but I had no idea. I wanted to die. I wanted to cease this existence. This treatment was horrible in and of itself, as was loving someone who doesn't love you back, but being beaten and raped and ridiculed by that same person...Please make it stop. Let it all end. Anything to make everything just go away. It's too terrible to bear. I'm not strong enough. Please...anything...anything but this. Not this. Compared to this nightmare Death would be so sweet...

But I was already dead. I had died a million times over. My body just hadn't admitted it yet.

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Think of life as an endless ocean. Then think of people as little rafts and boats and ships bobbing on its surface. The rafts are the less fortunate, the ones whose footing is unsure, although they have a chance to make it, to survive for that single second longer, that one crucial moment. The boats are the ones that have it okay. Some dangers cannot harm them, while others have the potential to. They can help those in the rafts. The ones in the ships are the ones with few to no problems. They can pull the ones on rafts to boats and those on boats to bigger boats, or even the ship. The ones on the ship cannot be sunk by anything but the large iceberg, making it the figurative Titanic; it can still go down. Then there are islands, the only bodies of land, that keep people safe. But the larger something is the less interesting it is, the smaller something is the harder it is, the less struggle the less meaning, the more difficulty the more pain, which is why if you stay on a ship or an island for too long you long for the raft or the sea, diving down into those endless depths, maybe to find refuge on a boat, or preferably a raft, but most likely to drown, forever to go noticed if not saved promptly.

I was once on a boat; a large one, but a boat nonetheless. Some difficulty, but not too much. Easy, but not too easy. Still interesting. My mother, my father, they were wonderful. My friends too. And then I discovered my Madeline and things could only get better. Sesshomaru was my island, and happiness over-flooded me. I abandoned it all for what seemed bigger and better and more wonderful...

Now I am a single person drowning in the wide open ocean. No one is coming to save me; no one but the island knows I'm here, and the island could care less. No matter how many times I disappear under the waves I come back up, gasping for air. This is not a good thing. It's horrible. I can't stop drowning, I can't stop falling. My hopes rise with each resurfacing as I come closer and closer to the island...only to be dashed away time and time again. It will never end, no matter how I wish it would, one way or the other.

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not (don't know what's real and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I think that, after all of this, I know what insanity feels like. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and don't even know who I am anymore. I often get confused, zoning out, and then returning in a panic, unsure of where I am and what's going on. Then I see Sesshomaru and remember everything. That's the worst part. Despite all the horrible contracting my chest does, the painful heartbeats and ragged breathing I go through when I feel lost and confused, alone and frightened, remembering everything and returning to calm, knowing all that I had been through and experienced, remembering my love and my life hurts the worst.

Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I start thinking, and sometimes I can't remember fact from fiction. My mind turns to mush and my thoughts jumble together in a confused mass of color and light. Is Madeline really my sister? Is this really feudal Japan? Is Sesshomaru really so horrible? Did he really do those things? What if it was all a dream? How do I act around him? What if I act this way and it's all been a lie? What if he really does love me and I'm just imagining things? What if I ruin the truth with my delusional fantasies? Dazed I will return to him and a single smack or thrust from my beloved reminds me of how horrible things really are. It wasn't all a dream, a terrible nightmare. It was far worse. It was reality. You can't wake up from reality.

Life doesn't seem real anymore. Not in the way it used to. I'm always hurting, crying, longing for home, never able to return, forever lost. I move ahead, numb and in pain, speaking to no one, unable to trust my own mind. Sesshomaru is my only companion, the saddest and most pathetic part of my existence.

Things swirl in my subconscious. I don't know anything anymore. One moment things were so perfect...next thing I know everything has gone to hell. Can this be real? It doesn't make any sense! It must just be my imagination. There is no way things can change that dramatically, that quickly...That terribly. It can't be possible. It's too horrible to be true.

Am I losing my mind?

I'm dying again

Pain. Sadness. Longing. It hurts, being scorned and cast aside by the one you love, even more than the beatings and the abuse ever could. My heart is ripped in two every time I feel him inside me, my mind screaming in my skull, spirit crumbling and dying, leaving nothing behind. And above all that, all that anger and all that pain, me missing him and wanting things back the way they were before I screwed them all up, I feel like holding on, sticking around. I hope for a reprieve, for this all to be a dream, for me to wake up one day in his arms, to be loved and cared for by the one I love most. One tender look, one gentle kiss, and all of this would melt away and life would be even more perfect than before.

This hope, this one little hope fighting off all despair, kills me a little more each day, for not only is it unfounded, it is foolish, and as I keep hoping for it to be real, I know it isn't. That is what makes every rape, every hit, every snarl hurt all the more. Loving him is the worst punishment I could ever put myself through. My own worse enemy doing this would be unable to make me feel this bad. My worst enemy couldn't inspire such sadness in me, such terrible longing for things to return to the way they once were.

But, in a way, he is my worst enemy. My greatest love and my worst enemy...That makes too much sense for comfort.

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)

I can't breathe. It's as if all the oxygen in the world has been taken away, leaving me to float off into space. Or perhaps I'm being smothered. This pain, it is so sweet, perhaps I will never wake up. Perhaps I will be allowed to go free, for death would be wonderful compared to this life.

But, alas, it is not meant to be so.

This is just me bleeding and hurting and dying, but I'm still alive, and although every inch of my being is dying a long, painful death, my body continues to live, I foolishly live on, and I see no end in sight.

I've got to break through

No! I mustn't let him defeat me! I will not allow him to hold such power over me! I am stronger than that! I am stronger that him! I love him, I gave everything to him—my heart, my body, my soul—and he chose to discard it, to misuse it. That's his loss. He will not defeat me! I will not be destroyed by love! I am better than that, do you hear me, Sesshomaru? I am better than you and I will not let you win! I will never let you win! I will not be destroyed so simply, as if I am nothing!

I shall not fall so easily!

...But it's so hard.

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I love you. I have always loved you. And that is the worst part of it. I have to let go. I have to move on. Death would be better. The sweetest pain I wish to ever experience. Get over this love—it is pointless. Get over it and overcome it. Return to life or seek death. Don't remain here in this horrid excuse for a middle ground, neither one nor the other but wishing for stability. Yes, he is stronger than you, aided by your bleeding heart. But you have got to break through, burst out of that horribly heavy water, rise to the surface and overcome all.

You have to, or all shall be lost.

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under

You tried to beat me, and you failed. This blood, this pain, this stolen purity—it is nothing. So go on. Hit me. Rape me. Defile me, and then spit on my unconscious body. Tell me how much of a slut I am, how I don't deserve life, how I don't deserve anything. See how much I care. I have been so broken and so tainted that you can't do anything to me anymore. You don't hurt me anymore, Sesshomaru. I have bled all my blood, shed all my tears. This love I felt for you is poison in my veins that has had it's effect. Yes, I am dead. I am dead, and the dead feel nothing. I cannot bled and I cannot cry out. You have lost, I have won.

But at what cost?

I've died again
I'm going under
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
Falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Going under
Going under
Drowning in you
I'm going under

I'm finally gone. I exist no longer. You have won, yet you haven't. You don't care that you've won. That is how little I mean. I have broken through the surface of that water, but I have no lungs with which to breath, no limbs with which to move, no blood with which to live, no will with which to care. I am a shell now, resting on half of a raft, waiting to be swept away. Dead, with my eyes still open, my mind still working. I am nothing; not a human, not a corpse. I have ceased to exist. All is finally lost.

Have your way with me. One day I will disappear. But my death will be passive. I no longer care; not even enough to hate you. So little is left that I can't even kill myself. I'll just wait. Soon an answer will come. An answer to all my prayers.

Until then, use me, abuse me, rape me, hurt me. Do us all a favor and kill me already. My mind, my heart, my spirit, and my soul are all long-gone—I gave everything to you to do as you would with and you did. By destroying me. There is nothing left. My human body is just too stupid to realize I'm dead yet.

Never can I stop the talking. This is not a oneshot. Sorry it is so long. Hope it's not too repetitive. I hope that the ending isn't too rushed, or the beginning too drawn out. I suppose this makes sense to me and only me. Please review, especially if you want more; I thrive on reviews, they are my water. And I use that water to douse the flames of nasty people. I also use that water to drown those who attempt to flame. I don't own Inuyasha or Evanescence, although I wish I did. Tell me what you think. (I think I was going to say something else, but I forgot, as usual. Sorry.)
Sesshomaru fan girls, I love him too, don't hate me. I am madly in love with him. After all, I am Iris Jean, who's point of view this is all in. And you can't even say that you can't see him doing something like this. So don't even play. You know I rock and that you want to review. (After all, I'm not killing you for liking him, now am I? See how much I've grown?)

NOT FIN