Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or its characters...
He wants to be left alone. I know, because that is what I would want. When things get too real, or are too much for me to handle, I want to be left alone. So that's what he wants. Right?
If that's right then why does everyone keep telling me something different? They tell me he doesn't really want to be alone. And that he needs me. Derek Shepherd has never needed anyone in his life. He is the healthy one, the whole one. He knows how to handle things when they are weighting down on him. He is not me.
And that's why I love him. And that's why I am here.
I went to the house but he wasn't there. In fact, none of his things were there either so maybe he really does want to be alone.
Or just maybe, if everyone else is right, he really needs me to be there for him. And I can't let him down. I won't let him down.
And it's funny, a few months ago; the mere mention of anything proposal-like would have sent me running for the hills. It would have been too much and I would have been the one who had to retreat. The one who had to be left alone.
But today, this news had a surprising affect on me. I realized I was whole. Sure, I'm nowhere near perfect. And I'll never be the ray of sunshine Izzie is, but I'm better. I'm getting better, I can be extraordinary. And I realize that I need him. And that I want to take all his pain away; to heal him the way he has finally healed me.
So I go to him. Just as I had guessed he is at him trailer, on his land—our land. The spot where we are going to live someday with our four kids and big shaggy dog. All because he wouldn't give up on this beaten and broken girl. I thought I was beyond repair, but he didn't.
I talk to him, and the words fly from his mouth like venom. He is obviously drunk and trying to drive me away. Things are getting too much for him. I have been there, but I won't let him do it. I am not leaving.
I bring up the proposal and here it comes, more hurt. He is yelling at me, but I know his anger is really all directed towards himself. He needs an outlet, and I'll give it to him. That's what you do for the people you love.
He pulls out the ring, and I freeze. But it is a good kind of incapacitation, the kind that makes your heart beat so fast you think it will rise up through your throat. And then it's gone, as fleeting as the feeling itself. And he's gone.
But I'm still here.
I'm suddenly at a loss. And for a moment I let myself slip back into my old ways and start to walk away, back to my car to give him the space he says he needs. But then I catch myself and I stop.
I know it isn't always going to be rainbows and butterflies. I am the poster-child for screwed-up relationships, and frankly if there isn't a little turmoil it throws me off. I'm still trying to get over that, but in all honesty, it is what makes me, me. So I decide to compromise, and I reach a point between my old self and the new me.
I take a seat at the rusty patio set beside his trailer and make myself comfortable. I won't push him anymore tonight, but I won't leave either. I'll be here and I'll help him overcome the inadequacy he is feeling. Because that is what he did for me, and that's what he needs. Whether or not he admits it right now, what he needs is me.
Just a little something inspired by tonight's eppy and I hope you all enjoy! This is my first thing to even attempt to write for Grey's so let me know! Reviews=Love! :)
Audra