Author's note- As I write this, the first New Epi in 3 weeks is being aired, for some lucky yanks;-)
I thought I'd better post this before it becomes redundant . So, for the part of the world population that still hasn't gotten any- enjoy.
- This story presumes Owen has hurt Cris, without meaning to. And he feels so guilty, he feels they can no longer see each other.
Just Stay
It had taken a few of these incidents for her to realise, he was really going to try and stay away from her. End what they had together.
She felt panic flash, followed by anger. But when she started walking, it was with purpose, nothing else.
If he thought she'd just let this happen, he had another thing coming!
***
Finding him in an on-call room, she closed the door behind her with a relatively loud noise, making sure he was awake. It worked, he shot up and sat to attention. When he saw who it was, he body relaxed, before seeming to ready itself for what was to come. Shoulders pulled back, arms resting on his thighs, he folded his fingers together before looking up at her.
Now that she was here, she took a moment before she spoke the thought that kept pushing itself to the forefront. "I want the forty years".
She saw him blink, but he didn't avert his eyes when he replied, "me too".
She was very careful to keep her voice and emotions calm, clear. "Really?, is that why you're avoiding me now?". He looked down, just a moment, and when he looked up again there was pain in his eyes, "I hurt you". "I didn't mean to, but I did", he swallowed furiously, face flushed. "I'm a risk, I can't be around you, not like this".
She nodded, not moving from where she was standing, close by the door. "So, you thought the forty years would be stress free?". He didn't answer. And he was avoiding her gaze.
She took a deep breath, and pushed her clenched fists into the pockets of her lab coat. Straightening her back she turned to him, hesitated for a moment, and then sat down opposite of him. Like the night she had told him about her father's death.
And when she met his eyes, that memory only grew stronger.
***
"Seven months ago, in my before; I was in a church. Getting married to the Head of Cardio of this hospital. She paused for a second, to take in the shock on his face. "He left". "He left me, as good as in front of the altar". Body rigid, his own hurt and shame forgotten, Owen's mind was working overtime. "Married?!", Head of Cardio?".
Everybody here must have known. Another man that had left her, him leaving Beth. He felt his insides drop as he realised how painful meeting Beth, and that whole situation must have been for her. Her face, as she told him Beth deserved better, came to his mind again. But even then she'd stood by him, didn't refuse to see him.
She was watching him now.
"The being left thing, was not a good combination with the whole dead-dad thing", she said it flippantly, but didn't try to hide the pain in her eyes. He winced, and moved, as if to reach out to her. He stopped when she went on, "Having all my colleagues on the first row, was really fun as well, you know how I like to share, we had fun for months". He knew that she must have abhorred the whispers and looks, tried to tell her without words, how sorry he was.
Cristina wondered at herself, how could she feel so calm, telling him all this? She still felt the sadness, but somehow it was a dulled pain. Better, now that he was the one listening. They never broke eye contact. "That's when I promised myself, it would be a straight road to Cardio Divinity, no more relations or distractions". He could tell how serious she had been, from just looking at her now. "I asked for Rockstar Dom, and strictly casual sex", that got a grimace from him. She shook her head almost indignantly, " That's what I asked for, and instead…
There was another pause, then, meeting his eyes again; "…instead, I get real love".
She said it in an almost neutral voice, confirming what she'd long known to be the truth.
Her tone becoming much stronger and sharper, she added, "I'm not a helpless, dumb little bimbo, I'm not attracted to psycho- wife beaters".
She spoke with emphasis now, "This is my choice, not yours, if this is really about me being at risk". She saw his eyes narrow at this last remark, but carried on. "I know exactly what the risks are, and right now, I think I have a lot clearer perception of what will hurt me". In an attempt to joke, she winked, "I have inside- knowledge you know".
He had relaxed some, his expression softer, but the unrest was still in his eyes.
Pulling up her sleeve, she exposed the cut, angry red, bruise forming. 'This will be fine in ten days, I won't be if you do this".
She had been so calm, but now her eyes were full of tears, still, she didn't look away.
"Don't leave me", "Not you".
***
Of all the words she knew she'd never utter. These were the darkest, most hidden ones. The ones she could hardly think, not without grief, shame, anger, despair. She hadn't said those words since the night her father died. But she said them to Owen, because, ..? Because she feared losing him more than saying it. Because she wasn't ashamed, because they belonged together, needed each other. And she knew he felt it too.
***
His eyes had calmed, the traits of his face suffused with tenderness now. The world outside these four walls had stopped existing, as he found himself once more sharing this understanding with her. It seemed that whenever they had the courage to show themselves for who they really were, all else fell away. And only they two mattered in this universe
He reached out and placed a warm hand around her face. Drawing them together for a long, warm kiss, holding her as close as humanly possible.
When they broke apart to breathe, he kissed her cheek, and whispered, "I'll get better soon, I promise".
Shocked, she drew away from him, he still wanted to do this alone?!.
Seeing her expression, he held her face in both his hands, "I'm not leaving, I'll never leave, not as long as you want me", he laughed, mocking himself; "I'm not that crazy".
She relaxed and he let his hands drop down to his sides, "That's why I need to get better soon". But she shook her head, "You'll get better when you're ready", she wrapped her arms around him, and let her head rest against his shoulder. "Just stay".
And he held her, buried his face in her curls, breathing in her scent. That's how they stood for a while.