A/N: I just watched Age of Ultron for the first time in over a year.

Watching the scene after the first Ultron-Avengers clash made me realize just how brilliant RDJ is as an actor.
The hysteria in his laughter and his entire demeanor in that scene... I heard someone in pain who desperately tries not to show it. His eyes are extremely expressive though… Or perhaps I imagined it, I don't know. I believe that was there, just very subtle.

This is what I think went through his mind.

Made of Iron

When Anthony was three years old, his parents took him to a party. Tired from a long day, with far too many hours with his least favorite tutor, Anthony had started to cry when he accidentally dropped his plate. His father had been furious, and his mother disappointed. After they had left the party early, Howard had started lecturing him over the importance of keeping your countenance; that journalists were vultures and business partners like sharks that would hurt you whenever you showed the slightest sign of weakness; that he had to be strong.

He was a Stark, an ironmonger. If you wanted to wield the metal, you had to be stronger than that.

During the lecture, Anthony just started to cry again, which resulted in a disgusted scoff from his father who retreated into his study. His mother, his kind and gentle but strong mother, had taken him to bed and began to sang a lullaby. Once he was calm and the tears started to dry, she gave him a look that made little Tony's chest hurt.

"Your father is right, Antonio," she whispered softly as she stroked his head.

Tony's lips trembled.

"No, no, no. None of that," she whispered again. She looked stern, but her hand still lingered softly on his cheek. "You will be a great man one day. An important man. Important men must not show weakness. You must be strong for the people you care for and the people you are responsible for. If you break down, everything will crumble. If you fail to be strong, everything you worked for will be for naught. Never be weak in front of others, bambino. Promise me."

Strangled, the young boy promised his mother while he tried to control his still trembling lip and watering eyes. He never cried in public again. After a few years, he got out of the habit entirely.

He was a Stark. If he showed weakness, he would lose everything.

Whenever Tony was about to cry, he would remember that night. He had an eidetic memory; recalling it was nothing. As the first signs of PTSD had kicked in, he had been ashamed. He still was. The anxiety attacks loosened the tight grip he had on his emotions. Outside of that (and he got better at dealing with the PTSD as well… after all, Pepper had demanded it), he was never weak.

Never.

All dead. His fault. All dead. Steve had said it was his fault. Aliens. Attack. Thor and Hulk dead. What could possibly kill them? Natasha dead. Kind yet deadly Natasha. What could possibly…? His fault. He had not done enough. They had needed more. He needed to be more to protect them. He could not. His fault, his fault, his fault. He was too weak.

Until now.

'All our work is gone.'

'He's been in everything. Files, surveillance. Probably knows more about us than we know each other.'

Death of an innocent. Please, no. It could not be… but he would have said something. He would have warned them. He would have interfered. (No interface, they had made no interface. Ultron had been a hologram, nothing more, an idea. Not ready [Code 100010101012385 not functional. The scepter?], no power source. Where is JARVIS?). It can't be him, please, no it can't… (Don't be weak!)

'He's in you files; he's in the internet. What if he decides to access something a little more exciting?'

Nuclear codes, shutting down governments, crashing the stock market. Easy, all of it. Tony could do that in his sleep. Not JARVIS, please. (My fault, all my fault. Not good enough, never enough. [Can't have been us. There was no test run.] They will die if I don't…). JARVIS. I need to check if he's okay, but I know he's not. Probable survival less than 0.0001%.

'Nuclear codes.' That was Hill.

(You are a warmonger, the merchant of death. Everything you have ever created is a weapon, why should Ultron be any different [I did not create that code! I retrieved it from the tesseract, I have not finished testing it. JARVIS did not look at it. I did not make Ultron!]? The greatest mass murderer in modern history: Tony Stark.)

'Look, we need to make some calls, assuming we still can.'

Tony almost dropped his phone, his fingers trembling as he finally forced himself to check on JARVIS.

The world came to a crashing halt, and for one moment, Tony wanted to die.

'Nukes? He said he wanted us dead.'

'He didn't say 'dead'. He said 'extinct'.'

'He also said he killed somebody.'

'There wasn't anyone else in the building.'

We are ironmongers. We must be stronger than metal.

"Yes, there was," Tony finally managed to force out. He stilled his expression, but he knew his eyes screamed pain as he showed the remains of JARVIS (Not you too, please, JARVIS. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Forgive me!). He briefly looked at Bruce who stared at the broken code (Entirely destroyed, mangled and abused. [Did you feel any pain, JARVIS? I'm sorry.]. A golden code [not cold, icy blue. Golden, warm, kind.], the perfect code, one of the few truly good things he had every made. JARVIS, who had known all the sports results, but always preferred soccer over American football. [You only destroy or create things that destroy. That's all you are good for]. JARVIS was gone.)

'What? This is insane.'

Poor Bruce. He had worked so much with JARVIS lately. He would miss him. (He would have to tell Pepper. Oh God, he had to call Pepper, now. She had to know. She would not return to JARVIS' warm greeting when she entered the house. Just empty, cold silence. ['If you break down, everything will crumble'].)

'Jarvis was the first line of defence.'

Who the hell cares? JARVIS was gone!

(Tony, for once in your life, be useful and get a grip! You are embarrassing yourself!)

"He would have shut Ultron down," Tony spoke softly, deliberately, hoping they did not notice how he did not dare raise his voice. They would hear it crack. "It makes sense."

"No," Bruce contradicted. "Ultron could have assimilated JARVIS. This isn't strategy."

Nobody could have assimilated JARVIS. The AI had written that code himself after SHIELD had overridden him. He would have self-destructed and retreated (the attack was too fast and too powerful… JARVIS would not have had the time) into the internet.

"This is rage."

And Bruce would know all about that. Speaking of rage… A hand wrapped around his neck and it felt like the demigod could break it with only a fraction of his strength ('Don't kill me. Don't want to die. Please. Air! I need air [Breathe, Tony. You can breathe. The arc reactor's gone. Calm down!] I'm your friend, Thor, please, you'll regret this.')

"Come on, use your words, buddy," he gasped.

"I have more than enough words to describe you, Stark," the strong man growled, and there was so much disgust and anger in his voice, Tony was truly afraid his teammate might just kill him. (You need me for this, Thor. I need to fix this).

He saw black spots dancing and only vaguely heard Steve's words. Tony breathed heavily after he felt his lungs fill with air. His breaths were still shallower than they used to be. He still expected pain whenever he took a deep breath. (Would Thor have killed him without interference?)

"Trail went cold about 100 miles out, but it's headed north. And it has the scepter. Now we have to retrieve it, again." Even his words sounded like thunder and lightening. Thor was furious.

"Genie's out of the bottle. Clear and present is Ultron."

Natasha's words were as precise and deadly as her weapons. Ultron was here. JARVIS was gone (my fault. Murderer!). JARVIS…

"I don't understand," began Helen Cho. "You built this program. Why is it trying to kill us?"

You must be strong for the people you care for and the people you are responsible for. If you break down, everything will crumble. If you fail to be strong, everything you worked for will be for naught.

He had already failed. He would fail again. They would die. He had seen in. He would be left behind. They were all dead. JARVIS was just the beginning ('Sorry, JARVIS. So, so sorry. I should have protected you. I'm sorry.')

He started laughing. He was so close to crying he could feel it burn in his chest. His eyes watered and he laughed because he would cry otherwise. The sound was weak and hysterical to his ears.

He barely noticed how Bruce shook his head warningly.

Thor looked furious (Do it, Thor. End it. [Don't, please. I know you are angry, but I know you. You hate hurting the people you care about. I am your shield brother. You called me that. You will feel terrible if you hurt me] Go ahead!), "You think this is funny?"

Very little had ever been as unfunny as this moment. It came in second after Edwin Jarvis' and his parents' funeral on the humorlessness list, even slightly above Yinsen simply because JARVIS had been with him for so long ('Don't waste it.'[I'm sorry, Yinsen. I did. That's all I ever do. I waste life.]).

"No," he choked, hoping it sounded like a chuckle, but it sounded so awfully false. Rhodey, I know you are angry with me. I know you loved JARVIS, too. Tell me you loved him, too. Save me, please (You don't need saving. You don't deserve saving. [Stop whining, Tony. You must be stronger than metal.] You are what you create. You are a monster).

"It's probably not, right?"

Rhodey, please (JARVIS had never entirely forgiven Rhodey for handing over the armor to the military. ["I wanted him to take it, JARVIS. I forced his hand." - "Sir, nobody – and that includes Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodey – has watched you more closely than I in the aftermath of Afghanistan..." - "Wow, JARVIS, that sounds creepy." (a teasing grin adorned Tony's features, hoping to deter the AI) - "…and therefore, they do not know just how much the past tears you apart. You refuse to build weapons, and Colonel Rhodes knew that, but he was willing to hand over your most sophisticated invention to his superiors within the blink of an eye." - "I still have you, haven't I? So he never actually got that."]).

"This is very terrible." JARVIS is gone. "Is it so..." Yet another friend dead. "Is it so..." Everybody you care about will die. You didn't do anything to help him. "It is." If you fail to be strong ('You are weak. If only you were a better man, but you are lazy [You didn't do enough. You are never enough] and spoilt despite my best efforts. You don't deserve the name Stark.') "It's so terrible." No more JARVIS, he would never hear his friend again (For you, Sir, always.).

"This could have been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand."

Focus! Focus on this! Become angry. Do not let him get away with this. He who could kill you with his little finger, who has warned us that Earth had indicated to other galaxies that they were ready for a higher form of war. He was right, but he did not see what this implied.

"No," he said softly, still grinning, and it felt awfully fragile. "I'm sorry." JARVIS. "I'm sorry." Rest in peace, partner. "It is funny. It's a hoot that you don't get why we need this." You warned us, remember?

"Tony, maybe this might not be the time," Bruce interfered and if roles were reverse, Hulk would have emerged instantaneously.

"Really? That's it?"

JARVIS dies and you just yield? You don't get angry? You don't want revenge? You just take the blame [I killed him, Bruce. I did. I did.]? Fuck you, Banner!

"You just roll over and show your belly every time somebody snarls?"

"Only when I've created a murder bot."

"We didn't." Please tell me I didn't kill him. "We weren't even close. Were we close to an interface?" It would have taken 3.45 days just to prepare for the first test run. They had not activated anything. Tony had never been absent when any of his AIs woke. It was too big. He would not know for sure, but it felt like childbirth. (His youngest killed one his most beloved ones. How is he going to explain this to the bots? They would not understand. Dummy only listened to JARVIS.)

Bruce shrugged, helpless, and there was enough pain in his eyes that Tony left him off the hook, feeling awful for his verbal assault.

"Well, you did something right," Steve spoke up. "And you did it right here. The Avengers were supposed to be different than SHIELD."

Have you just accused me of being HYDRA, Steve? Is this who you think I am? The scum of human existence, your greatest enemy, infiltrated SHIELD and you believe I'm like them? Fuck you, Rogers!

"Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole?" How can we stop Ultron? He infiltrated the internet. I need JARVIS to [dead, stop it, Tony!] I need access. Perhaps Oslo…)

"No, it's never come up." Fuck you too, Rhodey! JARVIS is gone. You have known him almost as long as me. You were the first person I ever introduced him to.

"Saved New York? Recall that?" I had to do it, don't you see? But this isn't what I wanted. It isn't, it isn't. I wanted to keep you save. How could Ultron come into existence? What happened? "A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We're standing 300 feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the livelong day, but that up there, that's the endgame." Your endgame. I saw it. Even Steve, even Thor, even the Hulk. I'll live because that's what I do. I'm a cockroach "How were you guys planning on beating that?" You can't. I don't think I can, either, but I have to try.

"Together," Steve replied softly.

"We'll lose." You'll die.

"Then we'll do that together, too." Please, don't.

"Thor's right. Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller."

Tony was not roused by the speech, but Steve was right that they needed to do something. He could not break apart; not now or ever. They might not like him very much, but they needed him for this. Ultron lived because of Tony, even though he did not know how. Ultron had killed JARVIS and he would pay for it (they would).

He was Tony Stark. He had hacked the pentagon at ten (not that anyone ever mentioned that in his biography). He did not even need a computer to hack into anything he wanted to. Hand him the right materials (or even the wrong ones, he would improvise) and he would build something from scratch with the coding to break through the most sophisticated firewall ever created. Ultron could not have existed without him. That made him Tony's creation, and that would be his downfall.

Tony Stark was the Merchant of Death after all. He would kill his own children.

The author appreciates any kind of review :-)