Disclaimer: I don't own D.N. Angel, it's characters and all other related things mentioned below. I'm a mere fan.
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A/N: School's finally out... hooray for gaining myself some free time!^__^
Yosh! Here I go...
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Subconscious
It pisses me...
This... is fate—my cruel, cruel fate. To be scrutinizing the city from this patrol car at night—every night—to look for crime. Crime, I said? Yeah... 'heard me right. It's my duty-- well no, take that back... it's my life, actually. I've spent all my sentient years studying, then afterwards, working. And my work—believe it or not, at the age of 14—is to run after and catch a thief. And, not just any thief, for that matter—a phantom thief. But that was months ago. He's been sealed away, leaving me lonely. Hey, don't get me wrong-- it's not him that I'm missing right now; it's chasing him that I miss. Who could blame me... it had been the most entertaining pastime I've ever had in my life to run after him just every time he wishes to show off (next to painting, that is). After he's gone, I'm left with nothing but a boring, empty life. I'm not quite certain why I still go back to my school, Azumano Junior High, either. I've graduated a year ago from college... but somehow, I just can't seem to leave...
Ring. Ring. A phone call at this hour? Strange. Who could it possibly be? (checks) Wait... this is weird. Did she dial my number by accident? Oh, whatever... I guess I'd have to get this call.
"Hello?"
"Hiwatari-kun... do you have time?" a trembling feminine voice said from the other line.
"What?" I checked my watch; this is quite surprising. "Why, it's past 10pm--"
"Please... well, do you? If you aren't available, it's okay. I'm sorry for the bother..."
"NO! WAIT! Um..." and, this now, is entirely stupid. I can't be entertaining her... at least not this late at night-- not a crying girl this late at night. "I uh..." But I guess I can't take that back now. "Yeah... I guess. Where to?" I answered with a little hesitation.
"Please meet me at Azumano Park, near the fountain, as soon as possible." she said, her voice sounding a bit pleased, but still trembling. "Okay." I hung up. I found myself steering the wheel towards the agreed location. But somehow, I don't feel ready enough to see her. For some reason, I wanna stop and just go back to the quarters and finish my job. But I don't think I could do that. I've still got my sense and dignity of being a man intact. And so, here I go.
"Hiwatari-kun!" What the--?! She's in tears, and she just ran to embrace me. Where is this getting to anyway? "Harada-san, I don't understand."
"It's about Dark..."
Strike. The very mention of that name hit me hard. What the heck is this feeling? Disgust that I left my job ahead of time just to meet with a girl (who's actually insane about him) for counseling? Nah, although that's in some way true, that's just not it. Then, is it loneliness to be reminded once more of the reason of my fatal boredom right now? Hardly. Perhaps… jealousy..? Impossible. Hell, whatever it is, it's not the matter of the moment.
"What happened?" I asked after she's calmed a bit. Still not disentangling from her tight embrace to me, she replied with the same trembling voice. "I… I dreamt about him." Would you look at that? Not only that I am a counselor of a broken-hearted fan—now, I'm also a dream interpreter. This is getting more insane. "I dreamt of him once more… and—and it just hurts too much!" Now, she's no longer crying… she's wailing! Weeping because of a dream?! Sheesh. I tried to figure a way to control her—but even this brain they consider genius is simply clueless. So, here goes nothing.
"Harada-san, there's nothing to be worried about. It's just a dream--" "THAT'S EXACTLY IT!" she screamed into my face. I was stunned. She took in a deep breath and tried to compose herself once more. Her arms' grip around me began to loosen. "I—I'm sorry, Hiwatari-kun… I didn't mean to shout at you. I—it's just that… it's just that I think you don't understand." Yeah, indeed, I don't. She brought her hands to her face and had her delicate fingers wipe away her tears. "What I meant was it hurts me to think that…that I may only see him in dreams alone right now. He's as good as dead." Well, he's actually more like sleeping. Once again, her eyes were flooding with tears. She could barely continue. She was looking down at the ground, clutching her skirt with both hands. "It hurts to be reminded that he'd never come back anymore." Harada, would you stop being childish? That was his fate in the first place—to be sealed away! This was pissing me more. Is it not clear that you're wasting your tears for someone who would no longer be back? This was one of the few times that I wanted badly to shout at a girl, but I just can't do that—not to someone as immature as Harada. That would just upset her more. "I…" she suddenly looked up straight into my eyes and shouted into my face "I still love him!"
Strike two. What about that, now? Declaring your love for someone else to me? And yes, love, you say? Do you even understand what that means?! There's a difference between obsession and love—damn it! But, what am I so pissed about, anyway? With those words, I can't help but look away. I was clenching my fists while trying to keep my calm, which I found so hard to do right then. I felt like wanting to explode. This one's more intense than the first. It struck me like an arrow. Heck, what are you doing to me, Harada? I'm running out of logical reasons. Jealous? The thought infiltrated my mind again. For crying out loud, no! My mind screamed. I don't understand. However, this isn't my moment; this is hers. I won't try to become another person in need of counsel. I took one deep breath and faced her again; she and her dark auburn eyes which were drenched in pain and misery.
"It's okay, Harada-san. Calm down." I've got nothing logical to tell her. What can I say? If she was a child crying for candy, I could've just given her one and happily strode away, or perhaps, explained to her that candy isn't good and that she'd lose her teeth with it. But she isn't. Yes, she was crying like a child, but I can't simply hand Dark over to her (for I myself went through an eye of a needle trying to catch him, and it's more impossible now that he's gone) or tell her that Dark isn't good enough for her and that she should simply find someone else (surely, she'd slap me at that and leave a crater on my face because of the impact). I led her to a bench and we sat together as I caressed her back. Then, I took out my hanky and handed it over to her. She took it without a word, as she could no longer speak because of those heavy and continuous sobs. I don't know what to tell her, as I don't think she'd like to listen to anything. So, I remained silent and waited for her to speak up.
"Ne, Hiwatari-kun" finally, after what seemed like years of incessant and desperate crying "I'm sorry for disturbing you. Maybe, right now, you just want to laugh at how senseless I am, but…" she was trying to smile amidst those occasional tears that were still racing down her cheeks "I just don't know what to do. Riku isn't home, and it just isn't proper to call Daisuke at such hour. Well, I mean, he's my sister's boyfriend! And Saehara... he would surely just pretend to listen and then make fun of me afterwards. But you, I thought you'd be the only one to be listening to me attentively." I was taken aback. I looked away, struck by guilt. "However, I just realized. Maybe this isn't just worth your time. Things like this aren't for you. You live a pretty steady life, and I won't be insane to say you could marry just anytime. You've got a job, you're smart and mature—in fact, you have everything!" What's this? Is she trying to say that she's envious of my life? You don't understand what you're saying; you don't know what I'm truly like. "Not like me… I live an empty life—it's pretty stupid. I fell in love with an artwork and hoped I could spend my entire life with him. Now, he's gone, and I'm nothing but shattered glass."
I felt shock surge through my whole being. I felt for a moment that I do not know this woman. This isn't the Risa Harada I know. Where are your smiles? Your positive views of life? I've been selfish. I never knew how miserable she truly was, and it hurts me so bad to realize that. "Sometimes, I really wish I were better." Better? Who else would be better than who you are right now? Have you ever gazed upon yourself on a mirror? "I've always been compared to my older twin. Just because she's older and more mature, they all think I should be like her." No, that's not true. I don't think you should change at all. I wanted to shout these words to her, but somehow, I just can't. My tongue was simply tied. I can't find my voice. As I listen to her, I felt myself being crushed into millions of pieces. My heart pounded wildly, both in agony and anger. But what is this feeling?! Somebody tell me, please... "And now… she's got someone to love her truly, while I don't. Sometimes…" Something wanted to break free from me. I felt the desperate need to let loose something I don't even recognize. I almost didn't notice my clenched fists and teeth. What am I gnashing my teeth at? "Sometimes... I even think I'd be better off dead…"
"ENOUGH!" Strike three; that was the limit of it. Seems I can't hold it in forever, after all. And now, I actually shouted at her. She was in aghast; her eyes tell so. I felt my heart still wildly beating, and I was gasping for air. I've never felt something like this before. The feeling upon hearing her say she wanted to die was worse than all the misery and pain of the world put together. And that was enough to break my shield; enough for me to finally explode. I felt my cheeks get wet. Tears? I don't care anymore. I moved closer to her, I wiped her tears away with my own hands... hoping I could, anyhow, take her pain away with them... "Hiwatari-kun…?" Now, her eyes seek an answer. I whispered "Stop saying you aren't good enough. Stop saying nobody cares for you. Stop saying you live a worthless life. Don't say you want to give up living, and don't envy the life I live. 'Cause just now, I realized the truth about what keeps me wanting to live…" I leaned even closer to her. I wanted her to know how important she truly is. "…it's you. And my life wouldn't even be worth living anymore if not because of you. If I have to spend my whole life showing you how magnificent you are… I'd gladly do it…" At that, I kissed her. Now, I understand. I was subconsciously jealous. I was subconsciously hurt. And I subconsciously loved her all this time.
She pulled away and touched her lips; looking at me with anxious eyes. I know what that meant. She was afraid to hurt me. So, I forged a smile to conceal the pain brought by that simple gesture. "Don't worry about me..." I patted her head, trying to pretend to be fine. "...after all, to love someone doesn't mean having to be loved in return. However... " I looked away and whispered softly. "…is it possible that we stay friends after you've known the truth about how I feel..?" She smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Of course..." then, she embraced me. It hurts not to be loved back in the same way by the one you treasure, that's true... but I'd rather keep her as a friend than not keep her at all... she's after all the sole reason I still live in the first place.
She loosened her embrace around me. Then, unexpectedly, she whispered....
"I'm sorry... But... someday… I might..."
The end.
...well, not really.
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Uhmm... the story's kind of ironic, huh? Oh well, life's ironic after all... at least once in a while...;3
Sometimes, out of our conscious control, we show anger in behalf of showing how much we care.
Oh yeah... 'bout the semi-tragic ending...that's not yet it. I'd be posing a sequel... when i get it done.;)
Thanks for dropping by... please review, if it won't be so much trouble...^-^
PS: I edited some typo errors... I'm sorry for being careless!!
...and thanks to those who reviewed! God Bless!
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