title: no angel, just daddy's little girl
author: m
word count: 1265
rating: pg13 for language and some implications
summary: she was supposed to look after Sammy, she promised...it's what Deanna does.
note: this was written for seimaisin's request for a genderbender of a girl!Dean and how a protective older sister would deal with Sam. there will be more because more people requested it but dealing with different aspects. And in a nice bit of irony, thank you seimaisin
Deanna was six the first time her father put a gun in her hands and showed her how to fire.
She hated the sound, it made Sammy cry, but when she knocked the can off the fence Daddy smiled. She'd missed him smiling. She could remember when he smiled a lot but not anymore. If shooting the can off the fence made Daddy smile, she was going to make sure she hit it every time.
She wanted Sammy to see Daddy smile.
---
At seven a strange man followed her and Sammy into the bathroom at a gas station. Daddy was filling up the car, she had to watch her brother. She didn't like the funny feeling she got in her tummy when the man looked at them. He wasn't a monster, she was sure, not like the ones Daddy hunted but she knew he wasn't right either.
When the man reached out for Sammy, saying ugly things about doing stuff to him that scared her, she got mad. Daddy said to look after her baby brother and she knew what that meant.
The man howled in pain when she jabbed him in the leg with the Rainbow Brite pen Pastor Jim had given her. She didn't wait to see what happened, she snatched her brother's hand and ran out of the bathroom. In the commotion she left the pen behind, she was sad about that because it was her favorite, but Sammy was crying and the man was bleeding. She knew they shouldn't be there when he came out so she stole a Mr. Big bar from the candy aisle to make Sammy stop crying and made tracks to tell Daddy.
He didn't tell her what happened when he back inside, she didn't ask, but he bought her a new pen and the backpack too so that was okay. He smiled when she hugged him then they went to get McDonalds where she got to have a real Big Mac and Daddy told her he was proud of her for taking care of her brother. He didn't say that and it was a big deal, she was afraid she'd cry but then Sammy spilled his juice and said a word that Daddy said when he thought they couldn't hear. Daddy turned kinda purple at that because people were looking but when she laughed, he laughed too.
She thought it was a good day until she thought she heard Daddy cry in the night, then she missed Mommy.
He never did that before Mommy and the fire.
---
The night after the Shtriga, Sammy woke up screaming. Pastor Jim didn't know what to do but Deanna did. She crawled into bed with her brother and told him about the three little pigs who got lost in the big woods on their way to see their grandma until he went back to sleep, curled up against her with his arms clutching her tight.
She didn't sleep that night, she couldn't, when she slept Daddy didn't come and the monster got Sammy. Over and over again and it was her fault. She was never going to do that again. She was supposed to look after Sammy, she'd promised.
She wasn't going to let them down again.
---
The sound of slamming doors echoed round Deanna's head and she gritted her teeth against the sudden wave of frustration. So much for her sweet sixteenth, whatever the fuck that was supposed to be anyway, Sam and Dad strike again... Annoyed as much as disappointed, she blew out the candles on her cake and grabbed her jacket. They were both out there somewhere waiting for her to smooth things over just like she always did. See Dad and Sammy fight, see Deanna swoop in and fix it all nice and pretty. A comment here, a pleading look there, whatever it took to patch things up and put things right.
Except this time. It was her fucking birthday and she was not Dear fucking Abby. She was going to celebrate and if they didn't want to stick around for it then neither would she.
Her fake ID of the week said she was Mary-Beth Hightower from Painesville, Illinois and she was 21, a redhead, and three inches taller than she was. Just as well, the bouncer didn't even look at it, he was way more interested in her cleavage. Upside of being young and slutty, you were never short for a drink or a hand on your ass. Which worked quite well since it meant Deanna got to celebrate her birthday in a back booth of a bar, grinding down on a hot local boy who was really, really good with his hands.
She came in late still drunk, Dad was nowhere in sight but Sam was already down for the count, a birthday card clutched in one hand, and everything else exactly how she left it.
Deanna shrugged and headed for the bathroom, dropping her coat on a chair as she went.
When she was cleaned up, she stopped by Sam's bed to take the card, rolling her eyes at the too-neat writing inside. After reading it, she laughed, dropped a kiss on his forehead, tucked him in and then fell into her own bed. Passing out sounded so beautiful so she did.
The feeling of hands pulling her blanket up woke her but she didn't move. She knew it was Dad, anyone else and she'd be freaking, but she still couldn't quite believe it. The last time he'd tucked her in, she'd been what? Eight. Surprised, she lay quietly as he passed a hand over her forehead, brushing her hair away from her face. Out of the corner of her eye, through veiled lashes, she got a look at the expression on his face.
The regret she found there left her stunned.
She didn't say anything, she lay quietly and listened as he moved around, cleaning up a bit before flopping into a chair.
The choked back sob she heard moments later cut her to the core.
---
The silence in the car was oppressive and Deanna frozen in place as they roared past the city limits, leaving Sam behind. Somewhere, her little brother was sitting in a bus terminal alone, unprotected. Every instinct she had was screaming to go back and get him, they couldn't leave him. She couldn't leave him.
"Take your brother outside, now, Deanna go!" Dad's voice, the sound of the fire raging, her baby brother held tight in her arms. Everything came back in a rush and she needed to go back. She wasn't supposed to leave him, ever.
"Your brother made his choice, Deanna," John finally spoke, his voice rough from the argument with Sam. "He chose to leave us."
He did but it didn't matter, not to her. Sam was alone, he didn't have anyone to keep an eye on him. "I know," she bit her lip, holding in the protests to go back by sheer force of will.
"His decision," her father repeated in a low mutter, almost to himself which made her wonder who he was really trying to convince. She could hear it in his voice, everything she was fighting. Dad was as scared as she was and John Winchester scared was John Winchester angry. He was furious and he was terrified. She wasn't the only one trapped in that night.
She'd promised she'd watch out for him, she'd promised.
Deanna slumped in her seat and looked sullenly at the radio.
His decision...
Wish it felt like it.