All along it was a fever... A cold-sweat, hot-headed believer

I leaned my head against the cool glass of my window, the rain beating against it and on the roof. I could feel the pressure of the raindrops through the window.
My knees pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around knees, I took a deep breath.
I briefly wondered if he was coping the same way I was, compensating everyone with artificial smiles and waiting until he was out of the limelight and all alone to come undone and allow his real emotions to show.
Completely breaking contact was the right thing to do. Hopefully he will move on and find another girl and fall in love with her. I really didn't want him to, but it was what was best for both of us; He would be moving on and I would be forced to.
I didn't want to leave in the first place, but my grandmother wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, and thought that attending school back in America would be a better environment for me. Gran was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and the one thing she wanted was to spend her last year or so with me. She had a slim chance of actually surviving it, as it was caught in a late stage, but she's lucky to have as long as she does.
That was why I had to pretend I was okay, for her sake. I couldn't let her know that leaving Anubis House had such a huge impact on me. She'd insist I go back, simply so I could be happy and put my own feelings in front of her own. I wouldn't do that. I wanted to spend as much time with her as well, anyway.
A tear traveled down the length of my face; I didn't bother wiping it away. No one was here to see me in my most fragile state.
I should have known not to fall in love. I really believed it would work, but it ended without closure or even a last goodbye.

I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something." He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."

I couldn't help but replay back some of my favorite memories of him. He was my first, of everything. First kiss, first love, first...touch.

We were alone in Fabian's room at his house. We'd taken a trip down here to Yorkshire for the weekend of Fabian's birthday.
Currently, his mother and sister were out shopping. They'd offered for me to go, but Fabian and I hadn't been alone at all, being hovered around by family members (who were all lovely) coming to visit their beloved Fabes that was taking a trip back from boarding school to visit his family, of all things. Such as sweet boy, they'd say. As young as you are it's nice to know you value time with your family. Also, since we lived in Anubis House, we never were entirely alone for intimacy. I knew we were leaving the next day, and I couldn't take it anymore. The longing was burning in my chest, and it has been since ever since we've become serious.

Fabian's dad was having a drink with a few of his co-workers, leaving the house to the both of us for about three more hours until Andrea, his mother, and Gemma, his sister returned from their shopping trip.
"I'm bored," Fabian complained as he sighed from his computer chair.
I threw my hands in the air in defeat; That was probably the twentieth time he said that!
"Show me something," I said.
Fabian ran his hand through his hair. Looking absently into space as he tried to think of something.
Suddenly, his lips turned upward in a smirk as his gaze switched to me. There was a new darkness in his eyes, silently yelling to me that this was a different side of Fabian I'd never seen before and to proceed with caution.
"If you dare, come a little closer," he said, rising out of his seat.
I smiled, moving from my spot on his bed to wrap my arms around his neck.
Crushing my lips against his, I then pulled away and asked, "So, what is it that you will show me?"
"This," he whispered into my ear huskily as his hands hovered around the general area of the bottom of my shirt. He then grabbed it and pulled upward, pulling it over my head and flinging it somewhere in his room.
Only one person had ever seen this side of Fabian. And that was me. It was sexy and confident, very different from his usual shy and sweet disposition.
His thumbs massaged light circles into the bottom of my back as he kissed me, our lips moving in perfect rythme as he also led us to his bed.

I hadn't noticed that more tears were draining from my eyes as I slipped out of the memory. My brain was frazzled and I was tired, as it was three in the morning, but I was far too restless for sleep.

'Round and around, and around, and around we go. Oh, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now, you know...

My hand reached for my phone. I unlocked it and my thumbs began to punch the number I'd commited to memory into the cold screen of my iPhone. I silently hoped he hadn't broken his phone, or changed his number for any reason. Or even changed his voicemail because the pain was unbearable. I wouldn't blame him if he did, though.
I hesitated, but pressed the green call button anyway and lifted the phone to my ear. I cringed as the loud ringing of the pending call pierced through the cool air of my somewhat quiet room.
My heart was hammering as I waited for him to pick up. All I intended to do was just call to hear his voice-I wouldn't say anything of course, because then he would know exactly who I was and save my number... I didn't have any courage to change my number again.
It felt extremely creepy to call his cell phone from an unknown number, my new one, just to hear him quietly answer, "Hello?", and then hang up.
How patheitc am I?
"Erm... It's Fabian... Well, obviously, since this is my phone number and-just leave a voicemail, or don't, if you're lazy like Nina here," Fabian laughed. I heard my own giggle from somewhere in the background and then a smacking of a pair of lips, and I knew that I'd kissed his forhead, smiling widely at him. "And I'll see that I had a missed call and possibly a voicemail and call you back... Wow, I'm so awkward-um-Nina stop," he giggled,"I'll just leave you to record a voicemail-or not, if you even listened this far..." Fabian's velvety voice warmed my eardrums.
Even if it wasn't his voice at the moment, it was still music to my ears.

Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move, makes me feel like a can't live without you and it takes me all the way...

I missed him so much. I've had other crushes before, and I was pretty devasted over them. Regardless, I'd always known I'd be fine. But I've never been in love, and never felt like I wasn't ever going to move on. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't think I'll be getting over him for quite a while.
Heaving a sigh, I flipped through my phone, heading to my camera roll. I scrolled all the way up, to the very beginning of my pictures and videos. Finding right what I was looking for, I pressed play.
"Tell me you love me," my voice echoed through the speakers. I held my breath at the sight of Fabian's pink-tinted cheeks, his shiny brown hair.
"I love you, babes."

"Louder," I grinned.

"I LOVE YOU, NINA MARIE MARTIN!" Fabian shouted before he kissed me, which then caused my phone to drop. Then, I picked it up, the camera on my face.

"One more time," I smirked. Fabian heaved a dramatic sigh.

"Okay, okay... I love you," he stated, kissing my forehead, smiling at the camera for one last moment, then stopping the video.

I remembered that it was in the fifty-nine seconds of that video, that I knew I'd fallen in love with him. So funny how just the silly things you can do with someone can change your entire life... It hurt so much to watch it, but it made me feel much better at the same time. I couldn't take this anymore.

All the emotions built up inside of me. I hurled my phone at the wall with as much power as possible, hearing it shatter, and then all of the little pieces of glass hit the floor, bouncing up and down until they came to an abrupt stop. I couldn't take being miserable like this anymore. I had to move on; It wasn't healthy to stay like this. I just...couldn't.
Getting up from my spot on my window seat, I took a deep breath. I let everything go-all the loose ends, all the lingering memories. They were gone in a split second and I felt as if I could finally breathe properly for the first time since I laid my eyes on him,on my first day at Anubis House. A huge weight that consisted of love, lust, yearning, pain, and... hope seemed to lift off of my chest. I was finally free.
I was driving myself crazy, pretending that somehow we'd meet again and just fall back into our regular routine of loving each other so incredibly deeply that it was worrysome. I had to let go of it all, and face reality that it would never happen again. None of it. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long...
Never again would I love like I'd loved Fabian. Never again, would I fall in love so innocently and change so much, for the better, because of it. Never would I fall out of love with my darling. But, sometimes, life just has to go on. The wind will continue to blow. The sun will continue to shine. The planet will continue to turn on its axis. I just had to let go, mend my broken heart and live life.
However... Never again will I want someone to want me to stay more than life itself, or have wished that own self would have stayed, more than I did in the mere seconds before I forced myself to let go.

I want you to stay...

Hope you all enjoyed this. There is a 99.9% chance that there will in fact be a sequel to this, called Bruises, inspired from the song by Train and Ashley Monroe duetted together. No promises when it'll be posted, but it will be. Sorry for my absence lately.

Also, who noticed the Grey's Anatomy quote in there? Haha.

Please review with your questions if you're confused, or what you think about this. Love you all!