Title: One Thought
Author: Erin Kaye Hashet
Rating: K
Feedback: Through "The Cold Turkey"
Summary: A short glimpse inside Ryan's mind during the Volchok confrontation.
Disclaimer: My name is not Josh Schwartz.
Author's Notes: My first foray into O.C. fic, and it's pretty short, but I hope you like it.
One Thought
by Erin Kaye Hashet
There are moments when Ryan feels as though his mind has been completely emptied—moments when he's dozing before falling asleep, or closing his eyes in the passenger seat of a car. Moments when his only thought is of the blessed absence of any others.
And then there are moments when an immeasurable number of thoughts seem to be crowded into an impossibly small unit of time—moments like now, as he stands here looking at Volchok, the bloody-nosed person sitting on the floor, who bears little resemblance to the monster he thinks he's been pursuing since Marissa's death.
He's felt better since that day Julie gave him the folder, and it's only now that he realizes why: it gave him one thing on which to concentrate. There was no more torturing himself with every thought of what he could have done differently, every alternate scenario that ended with Marissa still alive. He could focus on only one thing: finding and killing Volchok. Cage fighting served a similar purpose, but this was better. Now not only was he not getting the crap beaten out of him, but he could also finally direct his anger toward its intended object.
One thought. One thought has been a welcome change.
But now his mind is flooded with thoughts again.
He's been imagining the moment of vindication and satisfaction as he stands above Volchok's dead body. But it is only now that he thinks about what would happen afterward. How he'd be back behind bars, for a crime worse than anything his father had ever done. He can't imagine that Marissa would have wanted that.
And worse is imagining what it would do to the Cohens. Even after all this time, it's strange to have people who care about him so unconditionally, something he's never felt he deserves. There was a time when he would have been able to convince himself that the Cohens would be better off without him and that his being in prison would make their lives better, but now he can't. He knows that losing him would rip the Cohens apart. And Sandy is standing right outside that door. He'd never be able to bear the look on Sandy's face if he were to emerge from this room a murderer.
And Volchok, the defeated Volchok who sits on the floor looking up at him with scared eyes, the Volchok who knows that he'll be going to jail and will pay for his crime one way or another, doesn't look to him like Marissa's killer anymore. He looks like a guy afraid of life behind bars. A fear that Ryan should have as well.
When Sandy tells him he's proud of him, Ryan has to look away. He wonders if he'll ever get used to being loved, or if he'll ever feel he deserves it.
Like Sandy said, he may never get over Marissa's death, but he'll get used to it. And he may never again have that one thought that will ease the pain.
But the thought that's keeping him calm right now is of the Cohens, and the Thanksgiving dinner waiting at their house. These are the people who, for some reason, still love him despite all his mistakes, and that's a thought he can hold onto.
The End
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