Yeah yeah, I know I have to update Daughter of the Dawn. It's being worked on- finally. But I wanted to write a oneshot for Christmas. This was originally based around Hidan, but then when I thought about Deidara's death, I realized it fit him better. Anyways, you yaoi fans might find certain parts that you can twist to seem like yaoi. I tell you now, it wasn't intended that way. I hate yaoi, and will never write it, because I believe yaoi and yuri are wrong. But, interpret as you will. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or the movie It's a Wonderful Life. Hell, I've never even seen the whole movie, and only saw part of it once, so this is probably completely different. I don't care. Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, and if I did, Sasuke would be dead, and Deidara and Itachi would be the main characters.
Deidara was normally a pretty fun loving guy...he had his beautiful art to keep him company, and the prospects of Itachi's demise someday… and that annoying baka Tobi too, for good measure. Damned idiot just wouldn't take a hint and blow up though…
But right now, Deidara was not in a good mood. "No you baka, the red bird should go here to accent the gold bells…un! If you put all the red ones together, it gonna look like crap! You don't know anything about art, give me that!" Deidara yelled, grabbing the ornament out of Tobi's hand.
"I…I'm sorry Deidara-senpai, Tobi is really trying. I just thought the little birds would be lonely if they had to sit all by themselves on the tree…" Tobi said, his voice cracking.
"I'll give you lonely!" Deidara threw a clay sculpture of the cardinal ornament at Tobi, who ran to the corner of the room, where the bird, which had followed him, exploded. "I can't believe Leader-sama could have ever assigned you to do this. How am I supposed to make this tree art with you around ruining it?"
"I'm sorry Deidara-senpai… But did you ever think that maybe you're the one that doesn't know what you're doing?... I mean, I know you want it to be pretty, but all you know how to do is blow up stuff, and you can't do that with a tree… Where will Santa put all of our presents?..." Tobi asked with concern. "Oh, I know! I can get Deidara-senpai art lessons for Christmas!" he said brightly.
Deidara dropped the ornate crystal ornament he'd been trying to place on the tree, letting it fall to the hard stone floor and shatter into a million pieces. "That's the last straw Tobi… I tried being nice because it's Christmas or whatever, but screw it!.." And with that, Deidara jammed his hand into his clay pouch and came out with a fistful overflowing with C2 clay. His right handmouth quickly ate it and spit it back out into a partridge, which flew to the tree. "Merry Christmas Tobi. Katsu!"
The explosion resounded through the whole base, shattering windows and knocking doors off of their hinges. "Hey, I brought you guys some more… whoa!.." Kisame cried out as he entered the main room, falling to the floor, the armfuls of ornaments and lights he'd been carrying strewn all over the room.
"I explained it would be unwise for Deidara to decorate this year." Itachi remarked as he walked I behind his partner, completely unfazed by the explosion.
"Hey, last year you set it on fire…un!! So look who's talking! At least this is art!" Deidara stood back and smiled at his workmanship, while Tobi bawledin the corner..
"It was weak, and lacked a fresh pine scent." Kisame and Tobi just stared at Itachi in horror.
"Yeah, well whatever. Tobi, the tree's all yours, un. Go ahead and decorate it all you want you baka." Tobi was rocking back and forth, hugging himself and singing Christmas carols in a low voice.
"Leader's gonna kill him for this, you know. Think we should give him a heads up? I don't think he even realizes-" "No. The less we are involved the better. Leave the ornaments, we're going." "Fine…" Kisame gave a sympathetic glance back to Tobi before quickly shoveling the ornaments into a pile with Samehada, and leaving the room.
Deidara had been quite satisfied with himself the rest of the day.
When the Leader called everyone into the main room, to meet on that damned statue though, and then there was no jinchuuriki, he was pretty sure something was up.
"Everyone, it's that time of year again. Christmas Day is tomorrow, and I realize you might all have varying beliefs, but as an organization I feel it's important for us to celebrate this holiday together to show some form of unity. That and it's my favorite holiday, so I recommend you get me plenty of expensive gifts. The Christmas tree is there."
Pein pointed to the far corner of the cavernous room, expecting to reveal a glittering, beautifully adorned jewel of a tree. Instead he paused, just gaping for a moment before collecting himself. After all, gods weren't supposed to gape, and he had an image to keep up if he wanted his little slaves to keep believing in him. "Where is the tree? Tobi, Deidara, if this is supposed to be some sort of joke, I am not amused. Not to mention it cost well over $70."
"Um… well there was an accident..un. And um, the.. the tree kinda burnt, but it was all Tobi's-"
"Deidara-senpai turned our Christmas tree into art!... Now Santa won't come see Tobi, even though Tobi's been a good boy, all year!..." Tobi sobbed violently.
Kakuzu made a low sound that sounded like a sick cross between choking and crying, as he clutched at his chest. "How… how much did that all cost?... I thought we agreed on the 3 foot artificial with pre-attached ornaments?... The one from the dollar store?... And…all that money…just wasted…. I…I'm gonna rip someone's head off, I swear…. My money…"
Zetsu ran over to the spot where the tree had been. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry honey!!! I don't know how anyone could be such a sick, unfeeling bastard, but I'll never forget you, or the night we had together..." He caressed the scorch mark on the floor lovingly."How dare they even think of buying a real tree. I said we were offended, and now they go and kill her on top of it! I say we eat them, and then get her the hell out of here before it's too late."
Ignoring Zetsu's arguing halves, the Leader replied, "I was otherwise inclined, Kakuzu. Besides, Konan and I didn't think the other one was majestic enough, and Tobi was crying about not being able to decorate the tree himself. However, now we have no tree." The Leader glared at Deidara. "I would send Deidara and Tobi out, since this year was there turn to decorate, but obviously Deidara isn't able to handle such a task. Hidan, Kakuzu, you'll have to go out and get a new one. And nothing cheap and crappy, got that Kakuzu?"
Kakuzu nodded numbly, sure that he had just suffered a heart attack. When he got back later, he was definitely going to kill Deidara.
"So, wait. All we gotta do is pick out some fuckin' pine tree and haul it back here, right? Then pick out some big-ass present for you, and some lingerie or something for the chick. And then we're done with this shittin' present thing with the tree, that's it with the fucking heathen holiday, right?"
"No, Hidan actually you have to take part in Christmas dinner tomorrow, sing carols with the rest of us later, and I still haven't determined whether or not I'm going to force you to go to Mass." Pein glanced over at Tobi, crying in Kisame's arms, then turned back to Hidan. "Yes, Hidan, I think that we will all be attending some sort of Mass as well."
"Whoa, screw this shit! I'm not being damned by Jashin-sama! I'll get the fuckin' tree, and then I'm outta here for however long your pansy-as holiday takes." Hidan yelled at the Leader, before jumping off the statue and walking angrily out of the room, muttering curses under his breath.
Kakuzu ran off after him, screaming curses and something about not picking anything that wasn't on sale for at least 60 off.
"As for you Deidara," the Leader said, breaking the silence, "since you attempted to ruin the togetherness of Christmas, and the important unity which I try to foster in this organization, I think some form of punishment is in order. Two months without pay, and you will be taking on everyone else's round of chores during that time." The Leader paused as if thinking for a moment. "Also, I will be confiscating all of your clay for the time being. If you are given a mission, I'll provide you with just enough to complete it safely, but no more. I think that a little time off from your 'art' will teach you a lesson about ruining the holidays for others. You're all dismissed."
Deidara just stood there in shock for a moment. How dare they insult him like this, by stopping him from creating beautiful works of art? Konan was soon at his side, bringing him out of his stupor. "You should know never to question Leader-sama's authority, especially by trying to ruin his favorite holiday. Your clay?..." Deidara reached down impulsively, gripping the pouches at his waist for dear life. "Konan-san, if he won't give it up, don't hesitate to use force." The Leader said dangerously.
Suddenly, Deidara was thrown to the floor. "Ooh, ooh, Tobi got it Leader-sama, because Tobi's a good boy!!" Tobi laughed holding the bags of clay up like some sort of trophy. "Now maybe Santa will still come for Tobi!"
"Tobi, you little sh-"
"Deidara. The downstairs bathroom needs cleaning. Now."
"Ugh, I hate these people. How dare they insult me like that? Those retards can't understand anything about true art, they'll never be able to appreciate it…un. And it's all Tobi's fault. Now what am I supposed to do if I'm on a mission? I can't be given a set amount of clay, anything could happen… what if I need to blow up a city, or feel inspired to try something new, or I'm going to lose?... I won't even be able to go out with a bang, the way that asshole was talking….un."
Deidara sighed, staring at the floor of the shower. It looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years- and it probably hadn't ever been cleaned since Akatsuki began using the place as a base. Rings of caked in dirt and grime stained the shower floor, and the drain was so clogged with hair and old soaps and body washes that the concoction was spilling out of the drain and beginning to form it's own stain alongside the grime.
"No artist should have to be doing this..un. It's a waste of my time and creative talents! I wish I could just have a quick and glorious end already, like my art, so I wouldn't have to deal with these stupid assholes.."
"As much as I would love for that to happen Deidara, I'm going to tell you that you have the wrong mindset. Besides, your views on art are so obviously wrong, and I can attest to that personally."
Deidara jumped at the voice, hitting his head on the shower knob and giving a terrified girlish scream. A peal of ironic laughter was the reply, as Deidara grasped the back of his head and turned to the door, wide-eyed. "You always were ill-prepared. As a member of Akatsuki, should you really be so shocked and terrified when someone sneaks up on you like that? Pathetic."
"I… But you're… Sa-Sasori-no Danna…" Deidara stuttered, his voice coming out no higher than a whisper. "You died. What are you doing here? How? …And what are you wearing?" Deidara asked incredulously, staring at his old partner, a huge smile beginning to grow on his face as the shock wore off.
Sasori cringed inside at the thought of the frilly white robe with sweetheart neckline he'd been forced to wear, along with the chibi-like cat ears and the tiny, delicately feathered wings on his back. Hopefully Deidara hadn't seen those yet, so there was still time to rip them off when nobody was looking. "Shut up brat, unless you want to spend the rest of eternity as one of my puppets. I'm getting paid $200 an hour for this by the Leader, along with a full line of the newest wood products for building my puppets, so I'm willing to do just about anything." Of course, Leader or not, Sasori didn't really have a choice…
Sasori grabbed the sponge Deidara had been cleaning with, tossing it to the other side of the room. "Oh, and Kakuzu asked me to tell you that you're going to make sure the shower is spotless when we're done later, or you're paying for a new one." Sasori turned and headed for the door, as Deidara struggled to his feet, trying to contain his laughter.
"Wait, where the heck are we going anyway? Leader said I have to clean, can I just leave this?... And you still never said why you're dressed like that. The colors on the ears and dress clash Danna!..."
Sasori paused, his voice faltering. When he finally spoke, his voice was low and a bit uneven. "It's a robe, not a dress, get that straight brat. …..I'm…your guardian angel.. or something like that. Just get going, you know I hate waiting."
It was too much for Deidara, and he doubled over in laughter, stumbling as he followed after Sasori.
"Um, so why are we in Amegakure?..." Deidara said between laughs. It had been nearly a half an hour flight on his clay owl to get there, and he hadn't been able to stop laughing the entire way.
"Shut up, you'll see. Just be thankful I got some of that stupid clay of yours back Deidara and keep quiet. I told you, I'm supposed to show you that you shouldn't want to die so soon or something, even though I don't really agree with this crap… There, look."
Deidara looked, but didn't get it. "It's the Leader, so what? This is stupid, and my hair's getting ruined…"
"Konan, did Itachi and Kisame finish that mission yet?" Konan stepped out from under the awning of the building into the pouring rain. "Yes, Pein-sama, from the report I just received from Zetsu-san, they've just finished destroying the village. Itachi used his eyes too much, and couldn't burn anymore of the village with Amaterasu unless he got some rest, so it took a while. And Kisame…there's nothing he's really been able to do to help, obviously." "Fine. When Zetsu comes to make his next report, tell him he can see me directly now. And have Itachi and Kisame report back to me about the mission."
"Hey! Hey wait, what the hell?! Why didn't you send me and Tobi, I'd love to teach some stupid villagers about the true meaning of art…un!" Sasori clapped a hand over Deidara's mouth, "Shut up, didn't I tell you that already? The point in this is for you to realize why you're needed and important in the world."
"But… Leader-sama didn't need me, Itachi burned the village with those damned eyes of his." Deidara cringed at the thought of that pompous, self-assured Uchiha getting the satisfaction of destroying some village- and not even appreciating it for what it was worth.
Sasori wasn't sure what to say, and tried to think of some sort of comeback to cover his ass regarding the importance of Deidara's life. "Well… maybe the Leader doesn't need you, how should I know? But just think, without you Itachi-san is taking your jobs." "Yeah…un." Deidara commented sadly.
Sasori didn't let him think on it for too long though, shoving him back towards the bird. "We're going back to the base now."
"Wait. If you're a guardian angel or something, shouldn't you be able to fly? How come I've gotta use my clay to take us everywhere? This is all I have left! I wanted to use it for explosions…un."
Sasori glanced back at the feathery wings he hadn't gotten the chance to take off. "Well, see I don't expect you to understand, but because I'm a puppet, the wings are just for show. And even if they weren't, I'm certainly not going to haul your ass around Deidara." He said smartly.
"Oh. Fine then."
"And so I saved $500 this month, on the artificial tree, and on repairs. I would have saved nearly twice that much, if you didn't have to be such a bastard with those rituals of yours!.. But at least I finally saved some money."
"Oh, fuck off old man. At least I'm trying to save your heathen ass from eternal damnation, and you can't even appreciate it." Hidan said from his place on the floor, where a pike had been driven through his chest- and the floorboards below- and blood pooled around him like a pond.
"Not when you're destroying my floors I can't! Now get the hell up." Kakuzu pulled the pike out of Hidan's chest.
"Ow, the hell was that for?! Screw you bastard, you deserve to rot in fucking hell! I'm going to the living room!" Hidan got up and walked from the room, blood dripping in a trail behind him.
"Dammit, come back here!! Not on the rugs!!"
"I don't get it… Sasori-no-Danna…un."
"Well, without you around, the base isn't blown up every day or two, Hidan-san has a bit more time for rituals since he doesn't need to argue with you as well as Kakuzu-san, and they finally convinced Tobi that a fake tree was okay, since Leader-sama didn't see how anyone would be able to properly decorate a real one anyway with me gone." Sasori smiled smugly.
"Hmph, I could decorate a tree more artistically than you any day Sasori-no-Danna! You'd probably put stupid wooden ornaments, and make it look like a 90 year old decorated it..un!"
"I would not, I know much more about true art than you could ever hope to learn in a thousand years Deidara. At any rate, Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san are obviously better off without you… From what I've been told, there's really no change in Itachi-san and Kisame-san, so I'm supposed to bring you to see Zetsu-san next."
Zetsu was pruning himself, and what was supposedly his girlfriend, out in the back garden. Nobody dared bother him, or ask what the hell he did when he was out there, so Deidara felt a little uneasy when he and Sasori stepped outside.
"And so I just wanted to tell you that you look ravishing today. Have you done something new with your leaves?..." "It's that clay-rich dirt, and fertilizer I put down last week, don't play games. I told you the clay had nutrients she was lacking, and she just needed fertilizer to perk her up a bit. No offense of course honey, I was just telling him was all…" Zetsu fondled one of the lilac bush's branches seductively.
"Oh my God… I've seen enough Sasori-no-Danna, get me out of here…un!! If this was supposed to make me happy to be alive, then you really failed at your new job…un…." Deidara covered his eyes in horror, trying to get rid of the terrifying mental images scarring him.
Sasori was terrified too, though he'd never show it. He wasn't supposed to have emotions, and besides, he'd already lost enough pride for one day, by having Deidara of all people see him in this horribly feminine getup. He merely grabbed Deidara by the hand, and pulled him quickly inside.
"That… that was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen… Did you see.. what he was doing when we came in?! I shouldn't have uncovered my eyes, oh, the images…un!!"
"I agree, that was disturbing, but just think, with you around, at least there are less plants for him… uh, well to… There are fewer plants, and besides that, Tobi is around you more often, and less likely to be scarred for life." Sasori said awkwardly. Recomposing himself, he said, "Actually, Tobi is the final member whom you need to see. I think the impact you've made on him will appear a little more dramatic than the others."
Sasori walked briskly to the main room, where the mishap with the tree had happened earlier. Deidara followed behind, trying to keep up for fear of seeing Zetsu, and shaking his head to try to rid himself of the mental scarring he'd endured. Suddenly Sasori stopped before the doors, and Deidara ran right into him, nearly falling down.
"Alright. After this I'm leaving brat, so you'll be back where you were in the bathroom- but just in case you do decide to kill yourself or anything, I'm leaving you with some of your C4 clay, or whatever it's called."
Deidara nodded, thinking back to that horrible bathroom, and the task that lay before him for two months, as well as all he had seen while with Sasori about the importance of his life- or lack thereof. Sasori threw open the heavy double doors dramatically, and moved aside, as Deidara stepped unsurely into the room. He looked automatically to the tree the only place he would think to find Tobi in the dark and cold looking room, but found the area bare of anyone.
Turning his gaze upwards, Deidara saw Tobi standing on his designated finger of the sealing statue, looking as though he were deep in thought. He had on a strange hooded cloak instead of the regular one, and stood completely still, face shrouded by the hood.
But then he suddenly spoke, in a voice quite unlike the Tobi he knew, dark and commanding, "I see. I believe I informed you Pein-san that there should be no survivors of the village, yet it comes to my attention that 2 young children were somehow overlooked and spared, and have now been rescued by foreign-nin. You will go and rectify this situation, or the consequences will be dire. Do I make myself clear?" Tobi paused for about a minute, before continuing.
He was obviously carrying on a conversation with the Leader, yet to be speaking to him in such a way, Deidara knew he must have snapped, and was obviously looking to be killed.
"Also, I realize it is Christmas tomorrow, and that you and Konan-san had wished to celebrate, but I have given you nearly a month already to retrieve the Kyuubi, and I am not a patient man. Do you wish you people to see their 'god', and their beloved angel die? Bring me the Kyuubi's old teammate too, I think I told you that I want the boy."
Tobi turned to the tiny artificial tree down below, and suddenly it went up in searing hot, black flames. Deidara jumped back in surprise; he hadn't even seen any handsigns, or any fire come from Tobi at all.
Tobi broke the telepathic connection with the Leader, and jumped off of the statue, striding confidently out of the room, and pulling off his cloak as he went, revealing the normally designed one underneath. As he passed by Deidara, who he supposedly couldn't see, Deidara could feel the powerful evil aura radiating from him, so strong that he felt as though he was suffocating.
Once he was gone, Deidara screamed. He knew Sasori-no-Danna must be laughing hysterically at him, and that everyone had probably been in on this and was doing the same, but seeing Tobi like that, that was just more than anyone in their right minds could take.
"Okay, okay Sasori-no-Danna…un! I get it! I get it, please, send me back!! I'm important because Tobi-baka would be some evil, sadistic psycho without me around to harass!" Deidara screamed into the empty room. He waited and waited for something to happen, for Sasori to send him back like he'd promised, but it seemed an eternity passed and he was still there, in that twisted reality. Of course, it never crossed his mind that even with him around, Tobi was still a two-faced, sadistic killer, but that was for the best.
Suddenly he remembered the clay, and pulled it out, staring at it for a moment, unsure what to do. That damned baka obviously needed him as his senpai, but Deidara would be damned if he was going to stay here with all these crazies…. Without a second thought, Deidara stuffed the clay down his throat, waiting until he was sure it had gotten far enough down before saying, "Katsu!"
"Deidara-senpai!! Deidara-senpai!!" Deidara was jarred awake by Tobi's yelling as he shook his shoulders.
Deidara flinched, and moved quickly away to lean against the far wall, unsure of what Tobi might do. "W-what is it Tobi?..."
Tobi laughed. "Deidara-senpai, you're funny. I thought I was a baka. Anyway, you fell asleep against the shower senpai, but Tobi had to come wake you up, because it's Christmas morning!! Come see what Santa brought me!!!" Tobi began pulling on Deidara's arm, trying to get him up.
"I don't care Tobi-ba..Tobi-san." Deidara corrected himself, remembering Tobi from his dream, or whatever the hell it had been. "Um, actually, I do care, but I'm still a little tired so just give me a few minutes..un."
"Okay!" Tobi skipped away, and Deidara got up and followed slowly after him. It must have been a dream, and would have made perfect sense if Deidara's head didn't still hurt from hitting it when Sasori showed up the night before. But… maybe he'd hit his head and been knocked out? That could cause some crazy dreams.
When he got to the main room, there was a fresh new evergreen tree, decorated with fake money, Jashinist symbols, some kind of fish ornaments, and smiley faces. It looked terrible, but Deidara didn't care. It seemed a few of the ornaments had survived yesterday's explosions too, because Deidara could see a few charred birds and bells on the tree.
"Here Deidara-senpai, this one's for you!" Tobi said brightly, bringing Deidara out of his revelry as his shoved a present into his face. "Um… thanks Tobi…un. I uh, I guess you've been a really good boy this year, looks like you got a lot of stuff." Deidara said, at a loss for what he should say.
"Yep! See, this one here…" Tobi pulled a box out from under the tree, knocking into some of the ornaments, and causing one of the bells to fall off, ringing loudly as it rolled on the floor. "Ooh, Deidara-senpai! Zetsu-san told me that on Christmas, every time a bell rings, and angel gets it's wings!" Tobi crouched by the bell, in seeming awe.
"Hmph. Like a plant would know…un. Let me tell you the real way it goes Tobi." Deidara dug in his pockets, then remembered that Leader had taken his clay.
But suddenly, he felt something- his mind returned to the trip with Sasori, and how he'd grabbed handfuls of clay from his bird when they'd returned to base to see Kakuzu and Hidan. Smiling, Deidara grabbed the clay, forming a beautifully ornate dove. "It goes… every time art bangs, an angel gets it's wings. Un."
"That doesn't rhyme, but if you say so Deidara-senpai..."
And as the dove landed atop the beautiful clearance rack tree, the whole room lit up like, well, a Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas Danna…" Deidara whispered as he watched the tree burn and heard yells from outside the heavy doors, "and thanks…un."
I don't know, I tried to make some parts funny, but overall, I was going for a dramatic effect. Please review and tell me what you think!! It's my first oneshot- I usually write stories that are at least 10 chapters long, so having everything happen in one chapter was hard... So please review:) And Merry Christmas!!!!!