I'm pregnant. I found out a few hours ago. I can't believe it. How could I have been so stupid and do something like that? I hate myself for making things turn out like this. I'm carrying the child of a Luthor. I can't. I simply cannot be pregnant, there must be some mistake. There has to be. I just ruined everything for myself, didn't I?
"Are you okay?" your soft, gentle voice ask me. I can't say anything. I let myself down. Heck, I let iyou /i down, too, didn't I? You would hate me if you found out about this baby. You wouldn't act like it, but deep down, you would.
"Lana, what is it?" you ask. You always ask questions that are noisy at times, but now I realize that it's just to know if I'm alright or not. You always wanted to protect me, to make sure that I'm safe. But I screwed things up, by pressuring you to open up to me. Because of that, you told me you didn't love me anymore. Now I'm in this situation.
"It's nothing, I'm fine," I lie. I want to cry out desperately right now. I need to be held by you, caressed by you, loved by you. I always was loved by you, though. And maybe I still am. Who knows, with all the lies you told me, how do I know that your saying that you don't love me anymore isn't a lie itself?
Your hand is on my shoulder. How do you do that? How is it that you've made me so deeply in love with you, that I can't open up to you the way that you never did? But I guess that's it. The reason you lie to me is because you love me. And the reason I can't tell you what's wrong is because I love you too much for you to just hate me altogether.
"You don't look fine," you insist. I have to swallow back moans and blink away my tears. I guess now I know how it feels to be nagged at constantly. I wish I could say sorry now. I really do.
"Do you ever wish that you could go back in time and everything would be different?" I ask you. Somehow I know that your answer will be a yes. I may have gotten pregnant, but I'm not stupid altogether. I know you still love me. You say you don't, but you do. You just can't hide it.
"All the time," you reply. I want to ask if I was one of the things he would want to change. Probably not. You told me you loved me, and I believe you. I mean, not all of you is filled with lies. I know that when you tell someone you love them, you mean it.
"What happened? What did …what did Lex do?" you ask. I always thought is was weird how you always knew what things were about. Do you really want to know what Lex did? He made me turn into some bitter person that gets knocked up.
But that's not what I say. "He didn't do anything"
"If you're in trouble, Lana, I can help," you offer. I want to burst out and tell you the truth. I want to say I'm pregnant, I want to say that I made a mistake, I want to say that I don't love Lex, I want to say that I wish it was you that would've been the father, I want to say that I love you and need you right now.
But I can't say that. I just can't. It would make me seem weak. I always wanted to be seen to you as this, brave and strong person.
"Clark, this has nothing to do with you. Could you please go?" I request. I need to be alone right now. But I also need you here with me. I guess what I want is to be alone with you. Without any worries, just some peace.
Unwillingly, you leave, walking away. Once again, either one of us pushes the other away when we need them the most.
I sigh. This time, I let the tears roll down my cheek. I'm a fool. I know I am. Right now, I'm sobbing hard, and can't control my self.
"Clark," I moan out. "I need you".
But I can't say that. Not to you, at least. I need to let you know that nothing's wrong. I'm fine.