I am so fed up of living like this. Of hiding, of acting like something I am not. Having to choose between the familiar pain of the façade, a constant dull throbbing that is always with me, or the unfamiliar yet inevitable pain of being myself, sharp and stabbing, but perhaps with moments of relief. The ultimate question: the pain you know or the pain you don't know? Either way, I cannot win.
I live life bound by so many rules. Rules on how to act, where I can go, what I can do. Who I can love. Having borne these rules for so long, I have finally reached my level of tolerance. I feel constantly stifled by my memories, by the people around me. I love them, but I cannot grow as a person with them. I don't know how long I can last. Everybody else gets to lead a normal life; their past doesn't haunt them, their present drown them and their future terrify them. What I would give to be normal. Would I be willing to give up everything? Maybe. In exchange for a life where I step out with chaps and actually enjoy celebrating my birthday with my family. Heaven knows that hasn't happened in a while.
What I would give to make the pain go away...