Alec walked from the study onto the main floor of the Institute, feeling his bones ready to jump out of his skin. This is what people were supposed to feel like, right? After proposing, they were supposed to be full of energy, right? If Alec could ignore the lurching and mashing of his stomach, he could pretend he was normal for a moment.
Barely close to the monitors and Alec felt his arm squeezed tight and pulled forward, the rest of his body tripping to catch up. On his left, he saw Magnus – blank face, eyes set straight ahead – dragging him to a secluded corner of the Institute.
"Tell me it's not true." Was the first thing Magnus said, turning Alec around face-to-face.
"What?"
"Tell me you aren't engaged to Lydia Branwell." Every piece of Magnus's face – every bit of glittering make-up and smooth skin – screamed he wanted Alec to deny it, but knew he wouldn't. So Alec didn't. Magnus closed his eyes, turning away to try and breathe through the frustration. Alec bit his lip, trying to find something to say to lesson the other's anger. "When I said 'follow you heart,' I certainly didn't expect this."
"Magnus…" Alec tried, but Magnus held up his hand. Rather than before, when Magnus shushed him and Alec felt 'coy', Alec felt a wall coming crashing down between them. He saw Magnus, in one pivot, close himself off and Alec actually felt hurt. He sighed in his own turn. "It'll all work out. Clave will believe in my family again and we can work together to fight against Valentine and—"
"And me?" Magnus turned around and Alec bit back his tongue. Magnus had had years to school himself to never show emotions, but Alec liked to think that he knew the warlock better than that. He saw hurt, anger, and rejection written in those glamour eyes.
Alec breathed in, looking straight in those eyes. "I'm giving you an out."
Magnus's eyebrows knotted together before rising high. "What?"
Alec looked around. Nobody paid attention to Downworlders in the Institute and that helped for privacy. He stepped closer, lowering his voice. "I'm giving you an out." He repeated. "Lydia's cleared a mission. We have the Mortal Cup – we can start the search for Valentine now. And I don't expect to come back from that mission."
Like the drop of a pin, Magnus's expression dropped. His angry eyes turned wide and his breath hitched for a moment. "Alexander…"
Alec sighed. He hadn't meant to tell anyone this – let it come as an unpleasant surprise – but Magnus needed to know.
Magnus's eyes pandered from side to side, trying to find words again. "…How can you see this as a good idea?"
"Because it's what needs to happen." Magnus didn't believe him and Alec stepped even closer. He could feel Magnus's chest against his, could see a bit of lip-gloss that smeared. "Look, I'll die in battle and get full honors. The Clave'll lose all doubt for my family name. Lydia will get her dream of running an Institute and we'll stop Valentine. I'll just be another cog in the machine."
Magnus felt an urge to scream bubbling in his chest. He bit his cheek, swallowing till he could speak again. "And your siblings? I doubt they'll take this plan lying down."
"It's fine." Alec said, his gaze shifting down to his feet. "Izzy gets to be with Meliorn again and as much as she denies it, I know how much that'll mean to her. Jace…" Magnus caught his eye and saw the pain inside them. "Clary will be safe and he'll be happy about it. Max is young – he'll grow up." Alec was rambling and Magnus let him. They were both tiptoeing around the final subject.
Magnus looked at him. Alec slowly raised his head and they just stared at each other for the longest moment. "And you get to forget all about the stupid Shadowhunter who wasn't that good and was too quiet and too stupid to live his own life. I marry Lydia and you never have to see me again."
Magnus didn't say anything. Alec felt the warlock's body tense and almost wished he hadn't. The tension in the air turned thin and Alec suddenly wondered why it felt like he was.
Magnus scoffed and Alec felt a chill down his spine. There was derision and…and actual hate in those eyes. "Nephilims…this is just what you do, don't you? Tell the Downworlders what's going to happen and just expecting them to accept it."
"Magnus…" Magnus raised his hand and that wall grew even thicker. Alec bit his lip, nervous and anxious.
"Go ahead," Magnus's voice was full of anger and spite, "marry. I wish happiness for you bother. But if you die, I will find a way to resurrect you and kick your ass myself." He lowered his hand and stepped back from the teenager, leaving Alec feeling cold. "To use your turn of phrase, I swear by the angel." And Magnus stalked off on tall black heels.
Alec forced himself to breathe out, force himself to relieve the tension wound in himself. When he dropped to his knee and proposed, he had no doubt in his mind that this was a good idea for a bad situation. He still believed it, but one selfish notion pointed out a con.
He had just hurt someone who loved him. And that maybe, he could love, too.