Author's Note: I know I should really be updating 'My Name Is Max' but instead, the plot bunnies got me hooked on some screw ball comedy instead. Based on the following prompt from the meme "Can I get a modern-day AU with Logan and Erik both smitten with and pursuing Charles, using whatever sneaky, underhand and devious, ruthless tactics they deem necessary to get one over on the other? I'm thinking something lightweight, funny and screwball-comedy, not angsty."
Saturday nights are usually busy enough to require two bartenders, the 'Two Kings' a popular hangout for the perpetually drunk and over-sexed university students that make up the bulk of their business.
Which means Erik has to spend every single Saturday night working side by side with that jackass Logan, never mind that they spend way too much time together already with the day to day tasks of running the pub they co-own.
His cell phone buzzes in his pocket and he checks the text with one hand as he finishes pouring the pitcher of Stella with the other.
Be there in 5. Be nice or I'll gut u with a dull spoon.
Erik grimaces and then stuffs the phone back in his pocket, sliding the pitcher and four glasses onto a tray for Alex. He looks over at Logan who's busy with a small crowd of what looks like a bachelorette party, shit eating grin on his face as he pours a line of shots along the bar and then gives the bride-to-be a wink.
"It's not that busy Erik," Alex grabs the tray and loads up a couple of bowls of pretzels and beer nuts from behind the bar. "You don't usually make your 'get the fuck away from me I'm a homicidal maniac' face until we hit 11:30."
"Raven's on her way," he half grunts and then turns his back on Alex to tally the bill for table nine. "And she's bringing her Oxford educated, PhD in Genetics, English accented nerd of a brother to meet me because she's positive we're going to 'hit it off.'"
"Oh love," says the sexiest voice he's ever heard, honey smooth and perfect from behind him with a soft chuckle. "You were supposed to tell him interesting things about me."
An undignified snort follows. "And what was I supposed to tell him Charles? That you're a slutty drunk that's slept with half the population of Oxford? That you finished first place in the beer drinking contest three years in a row?"
Years later, Azazel and Alex still love to tell the story of how Erik Lensherr shoved both his feet down his own throat, the day he met the man of his dreams.
Or at the very least, the man of every dirty fantasy he's apparently ever had and will ever have again for as long as he lives.
He takes a moment to plaster his most charming smile on his face, the one that doesn't make him look like he's going to bite somebody's head off before turning around. Raven is glaring at him of course, looking ready to throw herself across the bar and tearing him a new hole for a head. Azazel the traitor, is there with his arm around Raven, not even bothering to look anything but amused as he waits for World War III to erupt between his girlfriend and his best friend.
And then there is Charles Xavier.
The next few minutes are a bit hazy for Erik, as the most beautiful creature that's ever graced this earth introduces himself and shakes his hand. The man is dressed in a light blue button up that makes his eyes glow such an ethereal blue that Erik would swear they'd been digitally enhanced if he wasn't currently drowning in them.
"Hello Erik," Charles smiles at him, his lips quirked in a way that Erik does not find insanely adorable. "It's nice to meet you. Raven talks so much about you that I feel like I know you already."
That's his cue to answer, to say something witty and suave and flirty that's going to guarantee him some one-on-one time with Charles. Instead, he finds himself staring at Charles' mouth as the man looks up at Erik from beneath his long, long lashes and then slowly licks his very red, very plump lips.
"Oh my god! At least get us a table and something to drink before you two eye fuck each other across the bar!" Raven whirls around with an indignant huff and drags Azazel by the arm to the corner booth that Erik has reserved for his friends.
"Sorry," he grips Charles' elbow gently to guide him after the others, "I'm afraid you've caught me on a bad night. I usually make a much better first impression."
The other man gives him a coy smile. "Oh don't worry. You've made quite a good impression already."
Erik absolutely does not smile with all his teeth, the one that makes Sean turn around and run in the opposite direction as he guides Charles into the booth. "What can I get you from the bar?"
"Don't worry I've got it," Alex pops up out of thin air and places the tray of drinks on the table, handing Azazel a beer and Raven a glass of white wine before sliding a shot and a cocktail in front of Charles. "Here you go. This one's a 'Blow Job' and this one's a 'Screaming Orgasm'."
The others start to laugh, a mix of surprise and confusion as Erik glares at his useless minion. "I didn't order these, you idiot! Why would you bring these over?"
Alex shrugs and jabs a thumb in the direction of the bar. "They're from Logan. Says they're for the hot brunette with the cute ass." He rolls his eyes before addressing Charles directly, "Oh and Logan says you drink for free tonight. He's going to cover your tab."
Erik sees Logan showing off at the bar, tossing a bottle in the air and catching it behind his back before winking at Charles who is watching with a little too much appreciation for his partner's admittedly well muscled physique. He glares at Raven and Azazel who are both chuckling at Logan's antics and then takes a step in front of Charles to block his view of the bar.
"I'm sorry; I'll be right back Charles. Would you like me to bring you a different drink?"
"Oh no it's fine Erik. Don't worry about me," he tilts his head up and gives Erik a sly grin. "I'll just get started with the 'Blow Job' and see how the rest of the evening goes."
Charles watches as Erik stalks off to the bar, eyes drinking in the way the man's black polo clings to his biceps, his tapered waist and tight black pants accentuating the most gorgeous ass he's ever seen. The burly bartender, Logan, is just as delicious in his own way with rippling arm and thigh muscles under a white t-shirt and jeans. He'd be drooling in his drink right now if it weren't for his mother's insistence on an upbringing of impeccable manners and social etiquette befitting the Xavier name.
Then again the night's still young.
Raven nudges him with her elbow and laughs. "Hello? Earth to Charles? Are you still with us? You look like your eyes are going to pop right out of your head."
"Indeed," Azazel chuckles, taking a sip of his beer. "I have a feeling we are in for an interesting night."
He downs the shot in one go, then leans forward and gives them both his most charming grin. "How so?"
"You see over there," Charles follows the direction of Azazel's hand as he points to the bar, where Erik and Logan are in the middle of a heated argument. "Those two, they will be at each others' throats all night. That is their way; they've been competing over everything since they were roommates in first year university. Erik gets a bike, Logan gets a bigger bike. Logan sleeps with a sorority girl, Erik sleeps with sorority twins. And now they will spend the entire night fighting over you, my almost brother-in-law."
Charles frowns. As nice as it is to be the center of attention he doesn't want to cause any real problems for Raven's friends, especially two men who are old friends and own a business together. "Perhaps I should go before..."
He doesn't get to finish the thought spoken out loud, a beautiful brunette with long dark hair and skin like creamy caramel interrupting him with a smile and two plates of nachos and wings. "Don't even think about leaving. We've already set up the pool and Sean's collecting the bets. Last time I won enough money to buy a pair of Ferragamos because of those two idiots."
Raven pulls the girl ('woman'? 'sexy Latina'? 'competent waitstaff?' 'friend' is probably the safest) into a hug and introduces her to Charles with a warning look. "Charles, this is Angel. We had the same Art History classes together last semester. Angel, this is my brother Charles. He's going to start teaching Genetics at Columbia in September."
She gives him a smile and a wink, looking mischievous and a little wicked. "Wait and see - you'll set off the biggest blow up yet. You're gorgeous and exactly Erik's type which makes you Logan's type too." Angel leans down and mock whispers to Raven and Azazel, "Bet you it'll be better than the time they set that guy's pants on fire."
"What?"
"That was nothing! How about the time they both dressed up in drag to see who could get the most phone numbers!"
"That actually sounds kind of hot..."
"Well I hope we don't end up having to call the police tonight, I want to go home before 3am."
"Oh! Remember that time with the firefighters when Logan set the kitchen on fire? Actually that wasn't so bad I did get a couple of phone numbers..."
The girls are too caught up in their conversation to see the look on Charles' face as he listens, half amused and half horrified by their stories. Azazel just nods sagely and nudges the fancy brown concoction from Logan closer, gesturing for him to drink.
"Drink up Charles. Trust me, you'll need a lot more alcohol before the night is over."
An angry shout grabs the attention of everyone in the pub, and Charles turns to find himself staring at a very drenched Logan, standing beside a fuming Erik with an empty pitcher in hand. Logan surprisingly, doesn't look upset at all and turns to catch Charles' eye before he slowly, slowly, pulls the wet t-shirt over his head and off his very manly, very hairy chest.
Charles drains his glass and winks at Azazel as he heads towards the bar. "Quite right. I think I need another drink already."
Erik is livid.
Most days, he's more than game for anything Logan wants to throw his way, their competitive streaks amusing them more than they let on to the others. But this is about Charles and Erik has never been more serious about anything in his life.
Except apparently, Logan feels the same way.
"Look Lensherr," the man is mixing a martini and hands Erik a pitcher to fill for table four's order. "Raven told me she was bringing her hot brother to the pub to meet both of us. So I don't see the problem."
Erik frowns and looks over to the corner booth where Raven and Angel are talking very excitedly about something that warrants a lot of arm flailing. Charles looks a little perplexed and a bit scared...which is the normal reaction to most conversations between Raven and Angel. "She told me that Charles and I would hit it off. Obviously she was trying to set us up."
"She told me I was just his type. Apparently he likes to pick up bad boys for the rough and tumble." Logan is practically leering at Charles, who now appears to be deep in conversation with Azazel. "I tell ya I'd sure like to give him what he wants."
He shoves a stack of napkins at Sean who is waiting at the end of the bar for his drink order before turning towards the beer fonts. "See this is what I'm talking about! This isn't a game Logan...this is...I could..."
There's no way he's going to finish the sentence and admit to Logan (and Sean) that Erik is completely smitten; that he's certain that Raven's genius, gorgeous, charming, soon to be professor of a brother might be the ONE. He ignores Sean who looks much too interested in their conversation and slaps a tray on the counter as he fills the pitcher.
"It's not a game to me either," Logan says quietly and by god he actually looks sincere. "Listen, if he picks you it's hands off I swear." The man is back to grinning like a loon as he leans closer to Erik and continues, "But until he makes a decision...you'd better watch your back Lensherr."
And then he reaches forward, grabs Erik's hand and yanks, dumping the entire pitcher of beer all over his own chest. Logan's accompanying yell gets the attention of the entire pub and Erik watches with stunned disbelief as his partner zeros in on Charles and then proceeds to perform a strip tease for his soul mate.
"You...," Erik is going to kill him and bury his body in the woods. He shoves Logan and snarls, "What the hell was that?"
"The first move bub," Logan mumbles before straightening up and saying in a too loud voice, "No need to lose your temper Erik. I didn't realize Charles was 'yours'. Want me to apologize to your boyfriend for sending him those drinks?"
"Oh I'm not his boyfriend, not yet anyway." Charles waves the comment off with a wink, sidling up to the bar and looking at them both with a knowing smile. "So feel free to keep sending me free drinks Logan."
His soon to be dead partner – Christ – flexes as he leans halfway across the counter towards the brunette and asks, voice pitched low and intimate, "What's your pleasure hot stuff?"
Charles is eating it up, his eyes sparkling with mirth as he tilts his head slightly and replies with another coy smile, "I'd love another 'Blow Job' please, if you're up for it."
Logan laughs and starts pouring another shot, sliding it slowly across the counter right into Charles' waiting hand. "Baby, for you I can be up all night."
And that is enough to send Erik reeling, turning briskly from the nauseating display and dragging Sean behind him as he stalks around the corner, through the swinging doors and into the kitchen.
"What the hell is your problem?" Sean yells, rubbing his arm where Erik had maybe held on just a little too tightly.
"Listen up," Erik crosses his arms and glares at him to shut him up. "You're all going to run interference for me tonight. Keep Logan occupied; I don't care what you do but I want him far away from Raven's brother do you understand? Do it and you all get a raise. Effective immediately."
Sean's face practically lights up at the news. "Seriously? You'll give everybody a raise if we help you get into the Professor's pants instead of Logan?"
Erik arches an eyebrow and gives the younger man the patented Lensherr stare. "Do I look like I'm joking?"
He doesn't have to say another word, Sean turning to Janos who's standing by the stove and hollers, "Hear that? Time for a kitchen emergency pretty boy."
Their cook sighs dramatically and then walks over to the dishwasher and yanks one of the hoses out of the back of the machine. "That should buy you 15 minutes before he figures it out."
Sean hurries out the door and makes a beeline for the bar while Erik wanders over to the booth and sits down next to Azazel and Raven. The blonde pipes up immediately, "You're not giving up already are you?"
Erik watches with vicious delight as a pissed off Logan stomps off after Sean, leaving a slightly amused Charles chatting with Alex at the bar. He turns to Raven and smiles, voice laced with anticipation and answers, "I'm just getting started."