Content Warning!
Do not read if you are triggered by mentions of mental illness (such as depression and anxiety), self harm, eating disorders, substance abuse, character death, suicide/suicidal thoughts. This will mention all of the above mentioned. It will also mention memory suppression and discuss other themes that are considered mature due to the nature of the story (being heavily about mental illness).
Percy woke up in his own bed, the sunlight filtering through the blue stained glass of the windows of Cabin #3. It takes a few minutes for the reality to truly sink in, like every morning since then. He's not in Tartarus anymore. He turns onto his side, almost expecting to see Annabeth's face, only to find emptiness. The weight of reality crashes into his head, and he slumps back into bed. Annabeth is gone. Dead. She died for him, so he could complete the quest. Bob died too, for that same reason. To make sure Percy could fulfill the quest. It was his fault, he failed them. His worst fears brought to life, to forever haunt him.
He remembered it all, every minute of the torture of having to leave Annabeth. He had known she was going to be killed and he did nothing. He was powerless, weak, a failure. Those thoughts keep him in bed until there's a loud commotion. Percy drags himself out of bed and looks out of the window to see a group of panicked healers from the Apollo cabin surrounding a familiar body and shape, just a little outside Cabin #13. Hades' Cabin. His heart drops when he watches them pick up Nico's seemingly lifeless body and carry him off to the infirmary.
There he goes again, losing everyone who once stood beside him. He drops his head into his hands, tears falling from his eyes. He was so selfish that he had to hurt everyone around him. Even Nico, who did nothing to deserve his broken wrath. Gods, he was so selfish. He just didn't deserve the happiness. Nico who had always lent him a patient ear had become the latest subject to Percy's bridge burning.
Percy was isolating himself, and Nico had been his only bridge out, his safe space. And yet, he wrecked that safe space too. The feelings he had been trying to deny, the ones that slipped in without him knowing it. He buries his face in his hands, all alone, surrounded by his ghosts. The people he had let down, their words muffled but tormenting him.
Nico had gone out on a limb to take care of Percy despite his own poor mental state. And what had Percy done? In one of his worst moments, he lashed out at Nico and said he'd never love him right after Nico had confessed to him. It was the most blatant of lies, designed to cruelly force Nico to leave his side. The only person who stuck with Percy as he entered this downward spiral. Now where was Nico, the only person who could make Percy's frozen heart feel? In the infirmary due to the harshness of Percy's words.
He got up, off his bed where he was sitting with his head in his hands. Percy took a pair of earbuds and an iPod off the nightstand, both of them blue like water. He slipped the earbuds in and began to blast Mike Shinoda's Post Traumatic album. Nico had gotten him into rock, and now he was addicted. Nico. The thought generated more tears from his green-blue eyes, turning them glassy. Percy walks towards the indoor pool in his cabin, hoping that some laps in the pool might clear his mind. They don't.
Percy sighs, and he uses the water to open a oyster shaped container. Within there, he hid his poison, a small knife. It was a gift from Annabeth, for self defense, she had said. Now he turned it onto his skin to draw and to release his pain.
They said pick your poison, some turned to drugs or alcohol. Percy started with just exercising extensively, but soon he realized when he accidentally nicked himself with Riptide while practicing alone, that there was a satisfaction in watching himself bleed. And it left no trace, he merely had to dunk his cut arm into water and it would heal. That was the beginning of his downward spiral to where he was now.
He began his usual ritual, cut deep and watch it bleed. Then he dunked his arms into the water, and like magic, the cuts disappeared. He did it, again and again, as the tears dripped down from his broken sea green eyes. He kept cutting, he just couldn't stop it, and Nico wouldn't be dropping by to take the knife from his hands and just hold him. No, Percy was truly and completely alone.
A thought came to Percy, maybe this was the last straw for Nico, that he would give up on Percy. He had heard that Will Solace had a massive crush on Nico, it would be good for Nico to hang out with a happy go lucky guy. Much better than him for sure. Percy cut a little deeper and winced, maybe too deep, he thought to himself. He quickly dunked his arm under water and sighed in relief as it healed up.
If only they knew, Percy Jackson, said to be one of the strongest demigods, was actually this broken inside. He tried to suppress the memories this room had, the ones with Annabeth and the ones with Nico. The safety they gave him, he never felt he deserved it. People might have seen him as self centered, but here was Percy, being torn apart by his own failures.
He blamed himself, for losing Annabeth and Bob, and then Nico. He lost everyone that mattered to him. Jason, he shoved him far away. Told him to just leave him alone. Grover, he was happier with his nymph girlfriend. Never felt that it was right to approach him about these feelings. Nico, he hurt him so bad. Nico was in the Infirmary for attempted suicide now. Piper, told her he was a-okay. She accepted it and just went back to spending time with Jason. Hazel, laughed it off saying he'd be okay. Tried to help, Percy shoved her away. Frank, smiled and patted him on the back and changed the subject. Thought Percy was dealing fine with the weight of losing his girlfriend. Leo, he was much happier with Callisto. Percy had let Callisto down and didn't want to ruin Leo's newfound happiness.
Percy felt like he was drowning, except he couldn't drown, he was a son of Poseidon after all. There was a heavy weight upon his chest, and it felt like it was pressing the oxygen out of his lungs. The weight of his failures, his incompetence. His selfishness. His inadequacy. The little things he failed to do, the things he couldn't do. They all weighed on him. The same way it felt to carry the sky for Atlas.
He hadn't flinched because he already carried a similar weight in his heart. It had been brought to life as he held up the sky. That weight just felt normal to him, and he figured that might have been something most people didn't know. It was okay with him, some battles were just meant to be fought alone.
He was so scared of losing Nico, he wasn't even near getting over having lost Annabeth. Wow Percy, so selfish, his mind whispered. He dropped his head into his hands. He had failed so many people. For instance, Charles Beckendorf, he had been instrumental in Charles' death. It was his fault he couldn't save him. These thoughts were just drowning Percy out, and he was feeling horrible. Like there was no escape from the memories.
With his smallest shred of self control, he did the ritual one last time and put the small knife away. He checked the time on his iPod, it was past dinner time, he had wasted another day away. What a waste, Annabeth could have done more with this time. He doesn't dare remove the earbuds, if he does, everything will fall apart again. He can't take the silence anymore. With shaking hands, Percy takes out a prescription bottle for sleeping pills. He takes three to sleep, one or two pills no longer works. And with that, he passes out on the poolside, legs in the water. Going into a blank escape where he is for once, free of his mind. It's the rare moment when nothing is on his mind, when it's just purely blank.
All the dark things he's suppressing will catch up when the pills wear off, but until then, he's at peace. Drifting in blank sleep, nightmares at bay.
One question I got from the original version of the oneshot was, why did I let Annabeth and Bob die? The reason why I had them both die was because it would make an emotionally raw Percy, which is rare in fanfiction. He's often portrayed as the protagonist with lots of plot armor, and I wanted to have him shed his armor. To be vulnerable and human, broken. No, it wasn't because I didn't like Annabeth or Bob, it was because him losing them would show a vulnerability that isn't commonly seen. It was important for me to let Percy grapple with his inner feelings, his inner demons. To come face to face with his insecurities, mainly because you only really see it with Nico. Percy's struggle is an internal one where he has to pretend he's okay, when in fact, he's only isolating himself. Percy's struggle isn't unique, and that's what I wanted to show. That the people you see as strong and happy may have demons that they don't show or feel they can't show.