I've recently started watching Star Wars: The Clone Wars and not too long ago (like a week ago? A few days? Idk) I got to the episode where they introduce Satine and now I ship Obitine so hard and absolutely had to write a canon divergent story! Because I'm currently working on other things, I'm keeping this a oneshot (for now) but have plans to maybe expand this? I'm not too sure yet. All I know is a really enjoyed writing this, and ended up accidently writing vague smut.
Obi-Wan... it looks like I may never see you again. I don't know quite how to say this, but I've loved you from the moment you came to my aid, all those years ago.
The words kept echoing in his brain ever since Obi-Wan had heard them. They were words he'd longed to hear for many years, and -though he didn't want to admit it- he'd never been happier than when he'd heard them. However, the words that had brought him so much joy also had brought him so much turmoil. He knew what he needed to do: just forget about those words, and return to his normal life as a Jedi and a General. This was far more easily said than done.
At one point it had crossed his mind to go ask advice, but it all seemed pointless. Any of the other Master's would just rattle off their spiel about attachments being forbidden. He considered even talking to Anakin about the matter, but felt that would be a bad idea. Though he couldn't prove it, he sensed a relationship between the boy and Senator Amidala. He'd known of Anakin's fondness the Senator before he was sent to guard her on Naboo several years ago, and had ample reason to believe things has progressed beyond an infatuation during those times.
He chuckled to himself. That was exactly why he didn't want Anakin going on that mission in the first place, though he could have never admitted that to the Council. So sure of that decision, they were. His judgement was one that they should have trusted. Anakin and Padmé's relationship could have been easily avoided, but no. They seemed to have a gift for sending Padawan's on missions to fall in love.
Oh kriff! Did he really just think love? It couldn't have been love, not that he even really knew what that kind of love was. He'd spent the greater part of his life denying he felt love, or hate, or… anything really. It was the life of a Jedi; the life he'd invested so much of himself to. Really, he must have been jumping to conclusions, thinking of this "love" business.
Yet, deep down he knew that was what it was. If it weren't, he wouldn't have been willing to leave the Order for her. He wouldn't have spent so much time wishing she had asked him to. He wouldn't have felt his heart pound every time he was near her, even after all those years has passed. Even so, how was he supposed to get over this… "love"? Was such a thing even possible? If it were, wouldn't he have been over her by now?
He sighed, running his hands through his hair. He flopped on his uncomfortable bed. Not forming attachments was an impossible feat. Letting go was something he thought he'd done well, but that obviously wasn't true. He had never managed to let go of Satine, even though he thought he had long ago. If he was being honest with himself, there were others he couldn't let go… Qui-Gon, Anakin… even Padmé, Ahsoka, Cody, and Rex. Though he scolded Anakin for his easily observable attachment to Ahsoka, in reality he was no better.
Maybe it would have been simpler had he not given into any of his temptations as a Padawan. He smiled, touching his lips as he remembered their first kiss. He carried her to safety from the swarm of venom-mites… he dropped her, and then panicked about doing so until she sassed him. As he picked her back up, his face got so close to hers and he just couldn't help himself; he had to kiss her.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately depending on how you looked at it, that was the catalyst that began their physical relationship. A blush crept up the Jedi Master's cheeks as he remembered their first time in a cave, where they knew they'd be alone for hours. It began innocently enough, with Satine insisting she was cold as an excuse for the pair to cuddle, which led to a few chaste kisses, which somehow spiraled to them fumbling to get each other's clothes off, followed by Satine's back pressed up against a cave wall as he made love to her. He'd sworn to himself that would never happen again, that he'd never lose himself like that, yet it happened again… and again… and again… and again, more times than he could even count. The time that they knew would be their last time was the most memorable yet. It was the only time they'd had access to a bed and little potential of getting caught or attacked. They had all night to express themselves to each other, and all night they took, making love time after time until the wee hours of the morning.
Okay, he really needed to stop thinking about that. He couldn't afford to allow his blood supply to rush anywhere other than his head; he needed it so he could use his best judgement, and his blood rushing to that particular region would definitely cloud his thoughts. He got off of his bed, trying to think of anything else. It was yet another thing that was easier said than done. He wracked his brain, trying to remember what he did when he had this problem as a teenager, and then headed to his small, personal 'fresher for a cold shower.
Satine wants to meet you for dinner.
Not long after his shower, Anakin came to deliver that message for him. Apparently, Satine had intended to ask Obi-Wan to join her herself, but she attempted to communicate with him sometime during his attempt to expel the blood from his nether regions. So instead, she asked his former Padawan to relay the message. As if his confusion weren't bad enough, the last thing he needed was to be quizzed by the curious Knight.
Though he expertly avoided directly answering any of the questions Anakin asked him in regards to his and Satine's past, he knew that same vagueness gave away so much. Anakin was very perceptive, at least when it came to his old Master. Anakin's probing was forcing Obi-Wan to really contemplate his relationship with the Duchess, and regrettably making him realize what he really wanted. He would still leave the Order in a heartbeat if she asked.
He didn't know if he did or didn't want her to ask…
"You still love her, don't you?"
Obi-Wan was taken aback by this question. No one had ever even entertained the notion that he was capable of feeling that complex emotion, and yet there was Anakin seeing right through him. He knew, yet again, that his silence was giving more away than if he'd actually spoken. Force, why did his feelings for that woman make him to unbearably awkward? How did she manage to turn a full-grown man would could handle the rage of war to a twitterpated mess?
"You don't have to answer me, Obi-Wan." Of course he didn't. Anakin was no fool. He knew full well how Obi-Wan felt about Satine. He made his way to the door, wanting to leave Obi-Wan to think, but not before leaving some parting words: "It's what we don't do that we regret in life."
Was… was Anakin giving him his blessing to have a relationship with Satine? Before Anakin hit the button to open the door and leave Obi-Wan's living space, he had to ask. He had to know. The words left his mouth before he could even think about them: "How do you handle it?"
Anakin visibly tensed, his Force shields coming up in full capacity. He wasn't completely certain, but he had an inkling of what the Jedi Master was referring to. He wasn't willing to admit such a thing, though. "I have no idea what you're talking about. How do I handle what?"
Obi-Wan didn't want to press the issue. There was already do much confusion flowing through him. He didn't need to open up this discussion that would inevitably further complicate his life. "Nothing. Just forget I said anything."
Anakin quickly exited Obi-Wan's quarters, not wanting to give the man the opportunity to change his mind and decide to discuss his relationship with a Senator.
Obi-Wan didn't know that Satine had a little apartment in Coruscant. Obi-Wan also didn't count on that being the place that they were going to eat dinner. Obi-Wan especially wasn't prepared for the fact that they were going to be eating dinner alone. Completely alone. Not even any sort of guard was in her apartment. She'd sent them away, saying Obi-Wan was the only protection she needed.
So there they were, sitting at a small circular table. Satine was actually in casual attire, while Obi-Wan was in his usual Jedi clothes (as if he had other clothes). They were both sipping on some wine and talking about anything and everything, except what they really wanted to talk about. Were the words spoken between then on the ship just out of fear that at least one of them were going to die, or were those words they'd always longed to speak? The romantic tension in the air that was so thick you could cut it with a lightsaber.
After the dinner, Satine excused herself to clear the table and go get the desserts she'd had prepared earlier. Obi-Wan, being the gentlemen that he was, offered to help. She graciously declined, insisting that he was her guest and was to be treated as such. Unfortunately, that left Kenobi in her dining room. Alone. With nothing but his thoughts.
He knew she was leaving in the morning for Mandalore. He knew he might not be able to see her for a while, if he ever saw her again. What was there really to say, though? He knew she once loved him, and he hinted to her that he felt the same. That was years ago and there was no chance she still felt the same way.
But if she didn't, why did she bring it up? What would he even do with the information if it was confirmed that she still loved him? He was a Jedi, for Force's sake! He was taught to not give into these feelings. He was taught to never have these feelings in the first place! If she still loved him, so what? What would come from that?
Thankfully, Satine returned with two small plates in tow, announcing that white-chocolate cupcakes were to be had. As she set a plate down in front of the Jedi, she noticed that he was a bit… off, even more than he'd been before. She frowned.
"Obi? Is everything alright?"
"I'm fine." His answer came a little too quickly, further raising the Duchess's suspicions that something was the matter.
She sat down, this time next to him instead of across from him. She was determined to find out what was going on. "We've been friends far too long for us to be lying to each other."
Obi-Wan's throat felt dry, his body visibly tense. He couldn't believe this. He'd slain thousands, if not billions, of droids without so much as breaking a sweat. He'd engaged Sith Lords, fought zombies, prevented a plague from destroying a planet, and almost died on numerous occasions. He could handle almost anything, but the thing that got to him, the thing that made even the Great Negotiator nervous, was a small, pacifist woman that he could probably carry with one arm.
He didn't know much about this "love" business, but he knew he didn't like how it made him feel.
"Obi…" Satine grabbed his hand that was lying on the table, a friendly gesture to try to calm his nerves. Or, was it meant to mean more?
Obi-Wan, having been avoiding fully looking at her this whole time, finally met her eyes with his. She was so beautiful. She had the kind of beauty and grace people wrote songs about. It wasn't only that. She was so incredibly strong, maybe not physically but in every other way. He admired how she stood by her convictions, even though it went against the history of her people, and even though it caused them to butt heads at times. He wouldn't have been so drawn to her had she been the type to stand down.
Which, in this case, was unfortunate, because the look in her eyes told him that she wasn't going to drop the issue.
"I've just been thinking…" he trailed off, not having the courage to finish the sentence. He couldn't tell her that the love confession had been practically the only thing on his mind since it'd happened. He couldn't tell her how delighted he was when he'd been assigned to check on a rumor in Mandalore. He certainly couldn't tell her that he missed her attempt to contact him earlier because memories had left him in need of a cold shower! Yet, he couldn't think of what to say to get out of this. He supposed should he just run out the door or jump out the window, she couldn't stop him.
But she knew how to contact Anakin… And Anakin would certainly find way to get them in the same room, and then he'd just be back here, only even more embarrassed at his rash escape attempts.
Satine spoke, making Obi-Wan realized how long he'd been silent. "You've been thinking… What, Obi?"
"I've been thinking about what you said on the ship." Oh Force, was that a blush he felt creeping on his cheeks? The Great Negotiator, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was blushing like a little school girl!
He didn't need to further explain for Satine to understand exactly what he meant. "I've been thinking about what we both said a lot, too."
A hopeful glint shone in Obi-Wan's grey eyes. "What have you been thinking?"
"I didn't want to die without you knowing how I felt all those years ago." A small smile crossed her lips, but Obi-Wans heart sank when she specified that's how she felt years ago. As if she were trying to make sure he understood these feelings didn't continue. "I always regretted not ever expressing how much you meant to me."
"In a way, you did." In a lush forest against a tree, with her kneeling in front of him… He had to push those thoughts away, is he certainly couldn't excuse himself to take a cold shower at her place.
"I hoped you understood that's why I did those things with you." A blush was now also creeping over Satine's cheeks. There was no way for it to not be awkward talking with Obi-Wan Kenobi about sex, even if you were a person who'd once did that with them. "I didn't do those with you just because you were there, and it was convenient, and you were incredibly handsome and adorable with your Padawan braid." She chuckled. "You're still handsome, but not so much adorable anymore." She placed a hand on his cheek, his beard tickling her fingertips. "We're not young anymore. We're not supposed to be adorable." She absentmindedly rubbed his face with her thumb, tracing his cheek bone until her thumb trailed off to his lips.
Their eyes met once again, Obi-Wan's practically pleading her to say what he wanted to hear. Conversely, Satine was afraid she'd already said too much. She knew that most likely they would never be together. He was a Jedi Master, and she was a pacifist leader. She felt neither of them would be willing to abandon their posts and their people. There was no point in her voicing another love confession.
"You're correct, Duchess. You're not adorable anymore either," Obi-Wan spoke, her thumb still touching his lips. "You're beautiful."
A blush crept up her cheeks, her eyes fluttering. "Oh, Obi…"
He had to. The moment was just set up too perfectly for him not to do it. Seconds felt like minutes as he closed the distance between their lips, finally allowing himself to do what he'd been denying himself since they reunited. He finally kissed her. It felt comfortable, familiar, but also exhilarating and was even more intoxicating than the three glasses of wine he'd had.
Like all good things, the kiss had to come to an end, far too soon for Obi-Wan's tastes. He knew the sooner they stopped, the sooner they'd have to discuss things. What that kiss meant. What they said on the ship. He wasn't ready for that. He didn't want to be responsible, for once. He didn't want to have to worry about the repercussions, so he cupped her face and kissed her again. This time, he kissed her with more desperation, making sure she knew he didn't want her to pull away this time. She happily obliged, allowing his tongue access to her mouth.
Everything was overwhelming. The sensation of kissing a person in general after years of not doing so, the slightly sweet natural smell of Satine, her hand still cupping his face. He knew he needed to pull away. He was first and foremost a Jedi, and though they were allowed physical intimacy, they certainly weren't supposed to be doing such things with someone that could be described as an attachment!
That didn't stop him from pulling Satine onto his lap. Her arms wrapped around his neck, pulling the pair even closer together while his hands roamed her back. His heart was racing, his thoughts going a million kilos a minute. His depravation was causing him to become excited far too easily, but he didn't care, and he hoped she wouldn't hold it against him. He reckoned she wouldn't. If she were going to, she would have mentioned if when she was first placed on his lap; there was no way she couldn't feel his arousal through his pants.
Again, Satine pulled away. Before Obi-Wan could groan at the loss, she nibbled on his earlobe. He could feel her hot breath in his ear, furthering the loss of his rationality. When a moment later she murmured into his ear if he'd like to move things to her bedroom, he couldn't say no. She got off of his lap, tentatively grabbed his hand, and lead him to her room.
Even though they were alone, Satine closed the door behind them. The sound of the door clicking into place broke Obi-Wan from his trance. What was he thinking? Accepting her invitation into her bedroom?! He knew full well what the implications of that invitation were! But… well, he'd already broken the Code with her… It was years ago, but he'd still done it. Several times.
If he'd already broken the code, would one more time really change anything?
That justification was enough for him to convince himself to pick up Satine and lay her down on the bed. He ignored the logical part of him screaming that yes, this would change a lot of things! This would complicate everything! You're a Jedi Master and a General for Force's sake! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OBI-WAN!
He continued to ignore that part of his brain, climbing beside her and kissing her once again. The thoughts began to fade as eventually articles of clothing were removed, being flung to who knows where. His reservations completely abated as her hands headed south. She remembered precisely how he liked to be touched, which caused him to be lost to a sea of desire.
At that moment, he no longer cared how this was going to play out in the morning. He no longer cared about the Code, the War. Nothing else mattered except the two of them. He made sure she knew that, ravishing her body as lovingly as he could. He caressed every inch of her body tenderly, making sure to relish in the moment as he caressed her head down to her toes. He laid a trail of kisses up the inside of her leg as he moved back up, stopping mere centimeters below her wetness.
Obi-Wan didn't tease her, though he did mull the idea around in his head as he'd plotted his course. If it hadn't been over a decade since they'd done this or if it were guaranteed that he'd be in a similar position a week from now, then perhaps he would have. He didn't have enough time to draw out this process too terribly long, and things had begun so terribly slowly (even though that was mostly his fault).
Though he had refused to take his time to tease her, he made sure he spent an extensive portion of time exploring the intimate folds of Satine with his mouth and tongue. He knew he wasn't very good with affection, so he couldn't think of a better way to show her how much she meant to him. He only hoped that this form of sentiment was satisfactory to her, and it appeared as if it was; her gasps and moans of his name were more than enough encouragement for him to keep going. The slow build up had a great payoff; the pair were grateful that the apartment was otherwise unoccupied as Satine screamed his name during her powerful release.
It seemed as if the orgasm had an adverse effect in her, as instead of it satisfying her for the night it seemed to have whet her appetite. She kissed him, more hungrily than she had previously in the night, her hands running through his hair. She wanted him, needed him even, and she wasn't going to wait for him to make that move. She pulled away, grabbing a condom from her bedside table (because she wasn't risking bringing a baby into that intergalactic chaos), and carefully slid it onto his erection. She then laid back down, her legs slightly apart, and she looked up at him expectantly.
Who was he to deny her this? He complied, cautiously inching his way inside her as stars danced before his eyes. Force, this felt good! The last time he'd done this was with her so long ago and he'd forgotten how it felt. A moist warmth completely surrounding his dick, her face inches from him, the smell of their sweat filling the air, her breath loud and laced with her want for him… and the feeling of adoration and bliss radiating from his Force signature so potently that Satine, who wasn't Force sensitive in the least bit, could sense it.
He kept his face near her, his chest pressed against hers, the whole time he was inside of her. He knew there were other positions that would feel better to him, increase the friction on his member, but he didn't want that. He wanted to be as close to her, as intimate with her, as possible. He kissed her as much as he could as he slid in and out of her. One of his hands was used to push himself up lightly, not wanting to put all his weight on the petite woman beneath him. His other hand cupped her cheek as he looked deeply into her eyes.
"I love you, Satine…"
A sheen of tears filled her eyes. She'd always longed to hear him say that. "I love you too…" A hand cupped his face, the other affectionately rubbing his back. She really meant it, she loved him. He drove her crazy, and she loved him more than she'd ever loved anyone before, even after all that time apart.
Minutes after his confession, he finished, groaning her name before collapsing onto her. A second later, he seemed to remember how much more he had to of weighed than her, for he pulled out of her before flopping beside her. After disposing of the condom, he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. Her head rested on his chest as he stroked her back. She fell asleep like that, listening to the sounds of her lover's heartbeat.
"Are we going to recreate our last night together from all those years ago?"
Obi-Wan knew Satine was teasing when she said it, but for a moment he seriously contemplated it. They'd woken up a few hours later and decided to go a second round. He doubted they could ever recapture that night, as it was unrealistic. He could never complete with his Padawan's self's stamina. Instead, he laid a chaste kiss upon her forehead, lingering a moment to smell her hair.
"I love you, Satine." It was the first time he'd said it not mid-coitus.
Satine gasped, having assumed the words were earlier spoken purely from the throws of passion. "I love you too, Obi."
The couple laid in silence, content to be in each other's company. They knew they needed to talk about a lot of things: what that confession really met, what their future was, if they even had a future together… They wanted to put it off as long as possible, but knew they couldn't wait forever. She left in the morning and wouldn't be able to have a heart-to-heart while she prepared to return to Mandalore. That really only left the time they had right then to discuss these issues.
Satine fully understood this, so was the one to finally ask what this all meant. Obi-Wan laid in quiet contemplation, not fully knowing himself what was to come of their relationship. He wished for a way he'd be able to have it all, a life at the Order and a life with his beloved, but he knew such a thing couldn't be so.
"I love you…" he said again, sitting up in the bed. "I can't fathom a way we could do our duties and be together at the same time."
She sighed, her eyes averting his. "Neither can I." She also sat up at the headboard, now shoulder-to-shoulder with her lover. "I can't imagine my life without you in it, but I can't abandon my people, and you can't abandon the Republic."
Desperation filled Obi-Wan's soul. Though his outward demeanor was calm, his mind was frantic. There just had to make their relationship work! He momentarily regretted not asking Anakin how he and Padmé made their relationship work, though he felt his former Padawan would deny their relationship unless they were caught red-handed. They could keep it a secret! From her people, from the Republic! From the Order! No one else had to know!
Yet he knew, it wouldn't work. They'd never be able to see each other. She couldn't frequent Coruscant to visit him; she'd be needed far too frequently on Mandalore for that to work. Likewise, he'd have a difficult time visiting her home planet as often as he'd like to. Logically, they needed to end it right then and right there, but when was love ever logical?
"Obi…" Satine said barely above a whisper, breaking the long period of silence. "You said at one point you'd have left the Order had I asked." He almost stopped breathing, anticipating her next question: "Does that offer still stand?" She knew it was selfish. She knew she shouldn't request such a thing of him, but she also knew it's what he ultimately wanted.
"Yes." There was no wavering in Obi-Wan's voice as he said this, not even a hint of uncertainty in his reply. It was the most difficult decision of his life, but he'd never wanted anything more. He recognized how hard it would be to resign in the morning and he was going to miss his family in the Jedi Order, but he sensed it would all be worth it.
Satine didn't ask if he was sure. She knew he wouldn't have answered if there was any doubt. She kissed his cheek, told him once again that she loved him, and wished him a goodnight as she burrowed into the blankets. Obi-Wan curled himself around her, quickly falling asleep, secure in the knowledge that he was making the right decision.
I hope you enjoyed reading this! I really enjoyed writing this! Please review!